Fighting starting an affair

[wsido]

I know this is a stupid route to even consider but it is what it is and I’d rather take counsel, than ponder over it in my own mind.

I’m in my early 30s, female and married, and I’m being propositioned by a man in his 40s and also married. I’m his subordinate at work and we really are opposites on paper (including faith, ethnicity and social class). He’s never directly vocalised that he wants to start an affair but there have definitely been signs that he would be down for a sexual affair if I was down. Sadly, and I really do say this with extreme disappointment as I’d rather it not be this way, I’m very attracted to this man and it’s almost like if we were in a room together for long enough, something would happen as I don’t think our emotions are logical when we’re together.

I’ve been married for a few years now and of course my husband and I get into arguments, but they’re never deep enough to consider divorce or to involve anyone else. It’s just that when we do argue, my immediate thought goes back to the man at work and that I should just go through with the affair. Because of my strong attraction to him as well, I always think of him when I come across anything romantic or sexual. My own marriage didn’t start smoothly but I love my husband and wish to respect him, but it’s so fxing hard when this other man has qualities that my husband doesn’t have. I feel I can’t fully concentrate on my husband and on fixing any issues that we have (which I think are fixable), as my attention is elsewhere. Even when my husband and I have sex, I imagine the other man.

Has anyone has ever been in a similar position, and either fought off the affair successfully or not? I don’t have anyone to talk to about this (as you can imagine), so any advice would be appreciated.

Putting to one side the affair/cheating aspect (which personally I don’t think can ever be justified, regardless of the state of the incumbent relationship / circumstances) I would agree with a PP’s advice not to ‘shit where you eat’.

In my early/mid 20s I had a relationship with someone I worked with. Whilst together we had to deal with mutual coworkers feeling entitled to over-involve themselves in our relationship. After we split there was the awkward period of having to tell people who didn’t know that we were no longer together, not to mention not being able to make a clean break to get over the split, as there was still the expectation that you carry on seeing and working with them. For me it led to about 18 months of torment, letting myself be used for convenient sex/company/a bed to sleep in etc in the deluded hope that he’d come around and realise what he wanted. When I eventually woke up and cut contact, he tried to bad mouth me to colleagues and friends, making out I’d essentially stalked him since we’d split. Thankfully I was close friends with enough of our coworkers that they knew the truth of the situation and his lies never stuck or caused me any professional or personal issues. It did however make me convinced that I would never entertain a relationship, however casual, with a coworker again.

My advice - seek some individual and couples counselling and look for a new job.

Look for a new job, if you still want to do it with a new contract in hand, maybe? Up to you really, but it’s for sure the start of a dangerous path. I wish you the best.

Thank you, it does. I’ll definitely read into the psychological effects it has on individuals.

I think you need counseling OP, I don't mean that in a nasty way at all but it sounds to me like you need to tame your kitty and get some help to control your hormones before you cause a shiteshow of epic proportions.

Also, you wrote 'i'm his subordinate' maybe that's the appeal to you, do you feel you take on more responsibility at home and are therefore attracted to a father figure at work?

Also, he sounds like a wang. He's married, you're married but you know he'd be down?

Come on OP, you're smarter than that, do you really wanna be another notch in that dudes bedpost?

I think you need to look at your underlying reasons. You say you love your husband but it sounds like you are not fully invested in your marriage- arguments don’t have to be big enough to divorce over, it can be that this just isn’t for you anymore - you are allowed to change your mind and you are allowed to leave your marriage if you want to.

if the fantasy of your co-worker is giving you the excitement that your marriage lacks, or just a way to sabotage your marriage so you have an excuse to leave then I would just take responsibility and leave the marriage. You might find then this man has no more fantasy quality as you have taken control.

if you do value your marriage then I would get myself out of there and move jobs if you really feel like a time will come when you can’t resist him.

If you act on this then it will pan out like this ....
It'll all be very sexy and exciting. Lots of shags in the office store cupboard, longing glances blah blah.
People will start to pick up on it and gossip by the drinks machine.

Your husband will start to notice a change in your relationship with him ...less sex, working late etc.
He'll confront you and , at some point you'll cave and admit it/ he'll find definitive proof.
Your husband will either be quietly devastated or hugely angry ( possibly angry enough to turn up at your office and make a massive scene that won't be forgotten for years).
Mr sexy boss man will end it with you immediately,blank you and stay with his wife and children.
The humiliation for you will be utterly unbearable and you will have to move/ get a job anywhere just to get away.
Your own marriage may limp on and survive in a lifetime of misery ( my husband's sister and her husband) or he'll leave you.
You'll lose your marriage, your job, colleagues, family, friends and your stable home life.
Is all that worth it for a fling with your boss

Yawn. Just grow up.

What exactly are the qualities you like in this man that your husband seemingly lacks? Also, what is it you really like / love about your husband that the other chap has?

Mire importantly what are your values and long term goals? Is that to have a family?

So when I found out my husband had been cheating I emailed her husband’s dental practice where we worked. I emailed his church. I left voicemails on his Rotary club number. Just basically anything I could get my hands on from social media. Oh and I sent pictures of them together to all of their friends on Facebook.
Some scorned wives are quiet after it blows up. I most definitely wasn’t and I highly highly recommend it to everybody I made it was very therapeutic and it made sure that she did not get away with anything.
So you might be really unlucky and meet one of me

Can’t remember exactly where I read it but the brain chemistry alters (increased dopamine) and the scales begin to tip in favour of the affair. You begin to view your husband more and more negatively. Someone I read said it was comparable to his wife being in black and white and the affair partner in full colour. This also assists you with justifying the affair, it’s called cognitive dissonance. You HAD to do it because your husband was (all these bad things).

Biological tricks of the brain.

Tons of great stuff on YouTube about it.

God, OP is getting lambasted and she hasn't even done anything yet! Most long term marriages will experience somebody being tempted at some point. I have developed really strong feelings for people over the course of 20 years a few times - are the people claiming not to, dead inside?! You're allowed an inner life, your vows mean you shouldn't act on it but attraction can be very strong - you can't always just ignore it and brush it off.

One Q nobody has asked, how do you KNOW he is interested in you? When we really like somebody, we can interpret normal friendliness incorrectly, because it's influenced by our lust. When you look back, after the lust has subsided, you might realise that you interpreted his comments incorrectly and just cringe!

@wsido "Now this other man is highlighting the qualities I wish my husband had."

That's basically why my wife had her affair, the qualities the other man had being that she wanted to fuck him. Wasn't great for my self-esteem.

@Whichhandbag You and I are being honest about the reality of LTR’s. People don’t suddenly become immune to attraction, it happens but we don’t act on it. And sometimes we ward off people who take an interest in our OH’s, I’ve done that a couple of times.

I think the OP is naive thinking that her DH won’t sense trouble, both DH and I have and frightened them away. 😂 Usually work colleagues too, I always know when someone’s sniffing around DH and I make my presence felt.

Lots of good advice on here. Just wanted to say - look for another job quickly. if you start an affair your career will be ruined at this company ( rightly or wrongly). Obviously dont have an affair, it will blow up in your face eventually, it is only a matter of when and how.

My boss is like this, I know of a long line of women he’s slept with from work, most have ended up leaving the company while he goes from strength to strength professionally.
you’re not special to him any way OP, he didn’t wake up last year and decide today was the day he was going to start and affair for the first time, he will be seasoned in it and how to make you feel wanted enough to sleep with him.
you’ll end up feeling cheap and confused, his dirty secret and even in this day and age if anyone finds out or suspects at all (and people will very easily pick up on the change in vibe between you) your colleagues will think you’re stupid and without morals rather than judge him harshly.
find a way OP and probably leave your husband too, you shouldn’t be looking the other way if you love and respect him

You’re getting a hard time of here OP, but the stats show that 40% of people have cheated on their partner with a work college. I expect that a much higher proportion have been tempted to cheat, so your feelings are very normal and common.

I wonder whether the issue here is that you aren’t attracted to your husband. You may well care for him, but that not quite the same as having a spark. You seem to have got married fairly young, and you mention that it didn’t start smoothly, which makes me wonder whether you had some form of arranged marriage. Usually when people marry in their 20s it’s because they are madly in love, and it seems very early for that spark to have gone.

What was this man's exact proposition?

So you'll have to live with it won't you.
If you wanted to have affairs, you shouldn't have got married.

but attraction can be very strong - you can't always just ignore it and brush it off.

Off course you can. Your in control.

If you were alone in a room with this man, the only reason anything would happen would be if you chose to let it. Everything you do from this point is a conscious choice. Illogical emotions are irrelevant unless you act on them, don’t dress it up and romanticise it or excuse it as inevitable, or fated, or out of your control: it is completely under your control and only your deliberate choice to act will be responsible. You have not lost the ability to walk away from somebody or say no. It’s not very romantic to say that, most people who cheat prefer “we couldn’t help ourselves/ we got carried away by our emotions/ it was always going to happen”
Nope . Sorry.
Nothing has to happen or will happen, unless you act on it and choose to do so.
You are already dwelling on your husband’s flaws and magnifying them, and dwelling on the new man’s good points and magnifying them. Very dangerous ground already, it’s the pathway to giving yourself a plausible excuse.
If you manage to totally convince yourself that your husband is making you unhappy, that you’d never argue with the other man, that sex would be better with the other man and that your marriage is definitely to blame, you will absolutely have an affair.
You won’t have an affair because these things are true, but because you are viewing everything through the husband bad/ new man good filter, and stacking yourself up justifications to give yourself permission to do something very wrong indeed. Because heck, you deserve to be happy, right? If your husband paid more attention to you/ was nicer to you/ better in bed, you wouldn’t have to do this….it’s the usual cheater’s bullshit.
Do a bit more of this kind of thinking and it will work a treat for your conscience, before you know it, you won’t be a common or garden self-interested cheat, betraying your husband, you’ll be a victim of a disinterested husband and a dead marriage and then bingo! No guilt, every excuse in the world to shag a married man with children and betray your husband into the bargain. This other man will be doing this, too. Both lying to yourselves to hoover up guilt and ramp up the excitement and romance of the forbidden.
Ask yourself if this is who you are? Affairs involve lying, deceiving, betraying. Is that who you are? Do you want your husband to hate you, the other man’s wife and children to hate you, everybody’s mental heath and welfare in tatters because of what he and you did?
You have absolutely no idea what you and he could be about to unleash. None. I do.
Get the stars out of your eyes about this man, if he goes ahead with the affair you have your proof that he’s a lying cheat. Add that to his list of qualities.
If you could see the future, you would run a mile from this.
Please, please, either sort your marriage out, or leave it honestly. That way you maintain your integrity, basic decency and self esteem. The infatuation you have will feel strong and compelling and lead to fantasies that will ultimately trash many people’s lives and lead you into a pit. Believe me, it is never, ever worth it. However bad you think getting caught out will be, multiply it by a huge number. Don’t kid yourself that you can guess what it would be like, or that it wouldn’t be that bad.
Do not be the willing accomplice of another man who helps him destroy his wife and children, do not help him destroy your life too.
OW often come off worse, way more men go home than stay with the OW. You could end up in love with the OM, dumped and ghosted by him, universally hated by all affected and alone, wondering how the hell somebody who said they loved you could just turn round and go back home like you never existed. They can and they do because you were an escape from the mundane, a fun, risky adventure. Not a real relationship forged together in a stable, known, comfy situation.
Yes, I’ve jumped way ahead here, but this is where affairs start: infatuation plus opportunity plus exaggerating husband’s flaws and glorifying OM’s good points.
Affair territory #101.
Stop this now, you won’t regret stopping it but you’ll very much regret doing it.
How? Stay away and say no. Will feel like hell to stop obsessing for a while, but it really is that simple. Stay professional at work, avoid being alone with him, make it clear you’re working on your marriage and not interested, say no if he ignores the new boundaries you set and threaten to report him
to HR if he won’t respect them.

High intelligence and his charisma sound extremely attractive.

Men like him are rare, but nothing good ever comes from crossing the line.

No matter how careful you are, it always comes out, and apart from throwing a genade on your respective partners, I would also be very concerned about your professional reputation.

You did what?! Not sure whether I’m understanding you correctly, but why on earth would you humiliate her husband like that?

You mentioned different ethnicities. Are you in an arranged marriage? Some of the ways you have phrased your posts make me wonder about that. If so, that would be valuable information. It still wouldn't make cheating on your husband right, but it might inform the sort of couple's therapy someone would recommend for you.

This is like the cocaine thread! This is unbelievably common, how could you think it’s a wind up. It happens every day all around workplaces up and down the country.

Family life is hard, in work people are seeing the best side of each other and there is often a connection there. Then that’s the start of it.

To the OP, if you have an Employee Assistance Program at work, call them it’s free and confidential and you can get some counselling. Don’t do anything with this man.
For the hundreds of reasons on this thread, but also for you.

What does this man bring out in you that is making you like him. Those things are inside you. You don’t need him.

Look into changing jobs this week.

You are holding the reigns x

Hello OP,

I hope you are still reading the replies on here.
I signed up to MumsNet specifically to say a few thoughts to you in no particular order:

You admire his intelligence, status and finances and compare them to your husband. This rich, intelligent man is a flirt and his poor wife has a trade off in him, he is all these things but he is also an unethical sleazy flirt, promiscuous. If you were married to him, you would be married to a cheater so I wouldn't envy his wife. Instead, work on your own finances and career prospects. You be the 'rich husband' for yourself because these rich men often come with a huge trade off (workaholic, serial cheat...) so you become the qualities that you admire in him instead of wanting him do and be those things for yourself. What good is his money and status to you if you are an affair? You get the crumbs at most. In the eye of society you will come off worse than him. His wife is not a winner in marrying him and neither would you be in affairing with him.

You mention jealousy and humiliation at the thought of him flirting with other women at work, potentially even younger than you and a bigger age gap, you even admit he seems so soave with his flirting, this is a well practiced man who is experienced at the affair game, you will come off worse. My bets is that he is flirting with other women at the same time as you not just in the past. This is a sport for him, he has everything so it's nice for a validation for his sexual attractiveness, that he can make women young enough to be his daughter, married mothers sell off their families for him, this is a great ego trip for him. This boosts his ego to go for even a bigger age gap and more beautiful women because you've bolstered his self image even more he will be thinking 'I really am so irresistible!'

If you were truly special to him, he would have gone about this completely differently. He is treating you like a cheap woman you should be angry that he even dares to contemplate you for an affair. What did he see of you to think you're only worth a shag? He must think so little of your morals, career and family life. If you were someone he respected or genuinely loved he would have treated you very differently.

Lastly, on the psychological effects, do you really want it on your conscience that you husband or his wife develop mental illness that makes them contemplate taking their own life, do you want to be answerable for the children who wonder why their parent is unhappy or why their parents split up? Is sex once or twice with this geriatric man who will likely be needing viagra to get it up with you worth doing this to other people and children?

My advice is to move jobs ASAP and focus on building up your own career, give yourself the qualities you look up to instead of stealing crumbs and glances from sleazy old men. Such men won't give you a leg up in life that's the sugar baby myth, you are one of many to him. Work on your self confidence as well... work out, tick off goals, focus on your ambitions and what benefits yourself and family...an affair will not improve your self esteem it will in fact shatter it.