Fighting starting an affair

[wsido]

I know this is a stupid route to even consider but it is what it is and I’d rather take counsel, than ponder over it in my own mind.

I’m in my early 30s, female and married, and I’m being propositioned by a man in his 40s and also married. I’m his subordinate at work and we really are opposites on paper (including faith, ethnicity and social class). He’s never directly vocalised that he wants to start an affair but there have definitely been signs that he would be down for a sexual affair if I was down. Sadly, and I really do say this with extreme disappointment as I’d rather it not be this way, I’m very attracted to this man and it’s almost like if we were in a room together for long enough, something would happen as I don’t think our emotions are logical when we’re together.

I’ve been married for a few years now and of course my husband and I get into arguments, but they’re never deep enough to consider divorce or to involve anyone else. It’s just that when we do argue, my immediate thought goes back to the man at work and that I should just go through with the affair. Because of my strong attraction to him as well, I always think of him when I come across anything romantic or sexual. My own marriage didn’t start smoothly but I love my husband and wish to respect him, but it’s so fxing hard when this other man has qualities that my husband doesn’t have. I feel I can’t fully concentrate on my husband and on fixing any issues that we have (which I think are fixable), as my attention is elsewhere. Even when my husband and I have sex, I imagine the other man.

Has anyone has ever been in a similar position, and either fought off the affair successfully or not? I don’t have anyone to talk to about this (as you can imagine), so any advice would be appreciated.

Would you ever just grow the fuck up ffs.

This is spot on, affairs are far more about what is missing from inside yourself than what is missing in your spouse or marriage.
Self esteem issues, sometimes buried so deep that you have convinced yourself that you really don’t have any, are usually the major culprit. You’re chasing something missing in yourself, that the AP’s new found adulation and flattery reflects back at you and it appears to fill that void. The truth, hidden under the glitter and excitement, is that the affair is making the void bigger, not smaller, by reducing you to a liar, betrayer and deceiver with no integrity or honour left.
You render yourself foolishly gullible to anything your AP says to you and need to lie to yourself and believe them to justify what you are doing. You will feel way worse about yourself afterwards than you ever did before, reeling from the shock of having been so awful and so foolish.
If you think your problem is that your spouse is not good enough for you, when you cheat you are ironically nowhere near good enough for them.

I swear these people only start these threads because they want to talk about their crush and can't speak to anyone else about it. They enjoy posters engaging with their naval gazing.

Spot on.

I only wish you never have to face a situation like this, where you feel trapped between your emotions and your morality, and on top of it having no one to talk to about it. I haven’t really mentioned the other man, only where I needed to explain his qualities against my husband’s. I could turn to a journal or find another forum to discuss the other man at lengths. I genuinely wanted advice on this situation and I have found some gems and very wise people on Mumsnet in the past, hence my posting here.

Imagine how your husband would feel to read this thread? now imagine that X100 if you actually went through with it! And for what? You can never have a relationship with this man

Thank you, this is probably the case and I do think the other man’s attention is making up for something I perhaps was missing growing up.

As someone who did follow through with it, how would you recommend I don’t? The other man is a colleague and I see him a few times a week in person, so unfortunately out of sight and out of mind doesn’t apply here.

I feel sick at the thought of everything in my, my husband and the other man’s family’s life going wrong because of my selfish actions.

Could you elaborate on how it affected you? I fear that from my current position, everything is looking rosy but I need to hear the absolute shit show that ensues from someone who has gone through with it and come out the other side.

I did marry young but it was a love marriage and I genuinely loved my husband going into it. I still do love my husband and I hope my post seeking guidance reflects that. Yes, both me (and the other man, in fact) do come from cultures that you’ve described except for the arranged marriage bit.

What do you think is missing that you are afraid to say?

Apologies for jumping in to this exchange and I'm sure that poster will reply if she wants to, but my thoughts on that are: what are all the possible outcomes of doing this, how good is each one and how likely is each one?

Because the way I see it, the best possible outcome would be that you two fall madly in love, leave your spouses to be with each other, real life and discovery and double marriage breakup don't dim the rosiness at all and you treat each other with the respect and faith you wouldn't have shown your previous spouses. Who get over their heartbreak and are incredibly happy for you.

How likely is this?

What's more likely to happen and how likely is that?

One way or another this has to reach a conclusion. What's that conclusion likely to be and how will you feel, looking back?

Really?! You feel like this is a difficult situation for you?
You have no idea of the absolute trauma you would inflict on your husband, his wife and any children either of you have.
I have never experienced pain like I felt when my husband cheated on me. It turns your entire world and everything you know upset down. Knowing that someone you loved and trusted created a whole world for themselves and made decisions impacting every aspect of your life not just without you but with someone else.
I assure you your dilemma surrounding your work crush is nothing compared to what you are considering doing to those who love you, and those who love the other man.
If your husband isn't giving what you need - talk to him or leave him. Don't fill the gaps with someone else's husband.
This will not end well for you either. Imagine having to explain to your children, your parents, your in laws, your bosses and your friends why you chose to cheat and lie to your husband? Imagine every one in your life knowing what you did. Because is that the reality of what you'd have to face when you get found out.

As someone who did follow through with it, how would you recommend I don’t?

It's really not that hard to not have sex with someone.

Just leave your husband as you clearly don't like him.

Don’t you think that the infidelity was enough for him to deal with, without you broadcasting it to all his friends and work colleagues? What goes on within a marriage is their business, not anyone else’s, and you took away his right to decide who he wanted to confide in. Clearly you don’t care who you hurt, just so long as you get to spite your ex. You are just as bad as the cheating couple.

Not only have you humiliated him, but you’ve made yourself look like a deranged nutter. Congratulations.

The reality of this fantasy, and thats all it is atm is you losing your job (as I can assure you, he won't risk losing his) and your marriage.
Men generally do affairs for different reasons to woman. They want the excitement of a quick, no strings attached fuck because they're bored and want their ego massaging. Women on the other hand generally have affairs to fill a void in their current relationship. They often fall head over heels in love and think they will start a new life together. Man on the other hand will keep promising you the earth just to keep getting you into bed.... As soon as he catches wind of you becoming serious or potentially ruining his life/marriage/career etc he will drop you like a hot stone.
You will then be writing a post on MN about how foolish you've been, how much you want to save your marriage and whether or not you should come clean and tell your husband to relieve you of the all consuming guilt that is affecting you MH.
Either grow a pair and leave your husband to pursue a man that you truly want (and not the married one at work...) or grow up and work on your relationship whilst completely cutting all ties with this work crush.

This was definitely not how I chose handle my husbands infidelity but an angry hurt spouse behaving this way is a foreseeable consequence of choosing to cheat. The two spouses who engaged in the affair should shoulder a fair bit of the blame in this circumstances.
I don't believe any of us are completely rational when in extreme pain.

And that comment right there is everything that is wrong with society.
They are unable to handle their own literal affairs and keep their Marriage values, but the person that doesn’t accept that is the nutter 🤣🤣🤣
Actually, what happened was that neither of them could show their faces for years
And quite right too

@wsido you really don’t need to hear everyone’s stories about what their own shitshow was like. If you don’t understand somebody who says
NoMoreBrownSofas · Today 11:41
“I had an affair.
It remains the biggest mistake of my life. I regret it every day. It haunts me.
Don't do it. It's not worth it.”

Or you don’t understand:

WallaceinAnderland · Today 16:54

As someone who did follow through with it, how would you recommend I don’t?
It's really not that hard to not have sex with someone.
Just leave your husband as you clearly don't like him.”

Then my guess is that nothing any of us can say is going to stop you if you can’t wrap your head round what these posters said without having to hear the details spelled out.
Everybody thinks it’s a bad idea, even you. It is not difficult to not do this or take it further, you’ve felt like this for a year and managed to do nothing about it. Carry on doing nothing about it. Be professional, refuse anything that isn’t. Problem gone. I don’t think you want this problem gone, you’re enjoying the attention and don’t want it to stop. If you can’t do it for yourself, we’re not going to be able to.
Hey ho. One last try:

Would the potential for the consequences of your actions being to cause somebody to commit suicide stop you?
I know of a case where somebody ‘s child accidentally came across proof that their father was having an affair. The family imploded, the dad desperately regretted it, dumped the affair partner and wanted back in, but neither his wife nor his teenage kids wanted anything further to do with him, so he took his own life. He’s dead, the child has terrible mental health problems due to the confused mess of loving dad, hating dad for what he did and feeling responsible because he was the one who found out. And he can’t ever talk to his father to help resolve it. Imagine how that man’s widow and other child feel. Imagine how it would feel to be the OW in that situation.
I know another family where the father left home due to being discovered in his second affair, his eldest child, now a teenager, still refuses to even be in the same room as him two years on.
Divorces, misery, suicide, people on antidepressants and in therapy, people suffering from PTSD, job losses, financial hardship, kids with ruined education, parents with limited access to their children , parents who now have all the parental responsibilities to deal with alone, because their partner dumped them for a shiny new life, I know of somebody who lost out so much financially that they ended up homeless and living in their car . They had a good job. They tried to keep working. This was obviously unsustainable with nowhere to wash or do laundry or even eat and sleep properly, so they lost their job.
I have come across all these situations in my job and outside of it, caused by marriage breakdowns caused by infidelity and spousal/ parental abandonment.
Enough for you or is the cheap thrill at work still worth it?
Give your head a wobble.

@wsido

"Even when my husband and I have sex, I imagine the other man"

What if you would imagine your children watching you destroy their family, would that help? (if you have children ofc)

Step back from this OM OP.

No good can come of this.

I strongly suspect that they are getting off on the stories and they’re sat there with their cock in their hand reading About the misery inflicted because that’s what they get turned on about we really should stop the thread

@HRchatter I agree, that’s what rang alarm bells with me.
After everything that’s been mentioned so far, to ask posters for their personal stories which hadn’t been offered makes no sense in this context.

I’m sorry this is the impression I’m giving off, I am genuinely not getting any thrill from this and I’m now feeling physical anxiety/sick from reading back on the posts from others (which is exactly what I needed).

I’ll stop responding at this point but I appreciate everyone’s responses and I’m truly sorry that someone like myself/OM have caused hurt and life-long distrust in other people’s lives.

No sorry, I'm not prepared to put details on here so I can be ripped apart, I'm trying to rebuild my life after my terrible decisions.