Fighting starting an affair

[wsido]

I know this is a stupid route to even consider but it is what it is and I’d rather take counsel, than ponder over it in my own mind.

I’m in my early 30s, female and married, and I’m being propositioned by a man in his 40s and also married. I’m his subordinate at work and we really are opposites on paper (including faith, ethnicity and social class). He’s never directly vocalised that he wants to start an affair but there have definitely been signs that he would be down for a sexual affair if I was down. Sadly, and I really do say this with extreme disappointment as I’d rather it not be this way, I’m very attracted to this man and it’s almost like if we were in a room together for long enough, something would happen as I don’t think our emotions are logical when we’re together.

I’ve been married for a few years now and of course my husband and I get into arguments, but they’re never deep enough to consider divorce or to involve anyone else. It’s just that when we do argue, my immediate thought goes back to the man at work and that I should just go through with the affair. Because of my strong attraction to him as well, I always think of him when I come across anything romantic or sexual. My own marriage didn’t start smoothly but I love my husband and wish to respect him, but it’s so fxing hard when this other man has qualities that my husband doesn’t have. I feel I can’t fully concentrate on my husband and on fixing any issues that we have (which I think are fixable), as my attention is elsewhere. Even when my husband and I have sex, I imagine the other man.

Has anyone has ever been in a similar position, and either fought off the affair successfully or not? I don’t have anyone to talk to about this (as you can imagine), so any advice would be appreciated.

So that she couldn’t deny it.

If you play with fire, you’re going to burn yourself and everyone around you.

Ok. So you're attracted to him because he's more ambitious and successful than your husband.

I'm not going to berate you for that. Ambition and success are sexy and we can't control that lizard part of our brain that just likes what it likes. Risking your marriage over it, though, would be so, so, so foolish.

You won't enjoy the benefits of this success unless you both actually leave your partners and set up with each other, and he's already the type to play around so you can guess how that'll end up. I can't remember if any children are involved but even if they aren't, that's four lives uprooted and torn up and that's if he actually leaves his wife for you, which is not impossible but very very unlikely.

Maybe you'll get some expensive gifts to keep you happy but I don't see how you can enjoy using them when you can't explain where they came from.

So what's left is the secret that's fine until it's not; until you get caught (not everyone does but hiding it at work is incredibly difficult, especially if he's already got a reputation) and then it's all laid bare before everyone you know including the man you claim to love. Or you don't get caught, but one way or another it ends anyway and you're left in a mess but you can't tell anyone and you're left with that burden your whole life.

Even the best case scenario is pretty shit here. And for what? Because your husband isn't as driven as you'd like.

If you are out of love and want to end the marriage, that's one thing. If you actually aren't and you just want something extra, beware. You could end up losing everything.

I think @HRchatter comment is a valuable lesson in that when you enter into an affair, it really is not just YOU + LOVER... the partners, the children, work, families, friends, acquaintances.. the whole town could know and then what? And women still come worse off, he has his money and proven work track record, he will be relatively fine as a man but it's you who will suffer.

Even if this successful rich man leaves his wife for you, his ex wife and children will have the lion's share of his wealth and he may actually resent you for causing him to separate and lose out financially. You only actually benefit if you were his first wife or this is your own money... so fix your life so that you can earn your own big money.. less day dreaming of him and more harder/smarter work.

You need to get a new job. And try to reframe your thoughts about your husband. If you can’t, then you need to divorce him. It will be better for both of you in the long run. You absolutely need to stay away from this other guy though. He’s probably trying to shag any woman who will have him and he’s on very shaky ground hitting on subordinates. He sounds like a prick tbh. I think you’re building this attraction up to be more than it really is. Are you trying to self- sabotage your marriage because deep down you think you made a mistake?

Please don’t ruin your life over a work shagger. It’s not fair on anyone including yourself. Is getting some therapy an option financially?

Like some people here, I think OP has been in an arranged marriage and probably married when she was very young and never experienced real desire/love. She will never divorce as in those circles marriage is sacred, made before God and both parties have duties not only towards each other but also towards the wider society. Status of a husband (profession/money/power) in those circles is of utmost importance and OP might have not been aware before marriage that this guy would not be 'good enough' for her as in those cases they are not really given much time to really know each other (if the decision is not made quickly, parents swiftly move to a different candidate). Maybe her friends/family members married men with a higher status and she feels envious, as they tend to boast/snigger a lot in those circles.
OP, think of a shame that would occur if you shag this guy and everything blows up - you will never ever be forgiven by anybody and even your own family will want to do nothing with you.

If OP is from a background where marriages are traditionally arranged and materialistic and professional accolades are valued then an affair would be even more disastrous! You and your children would be shunned from the community. I agree with previous posters that there probably is envy at the older man's success and wishing to be him, not even his wife or lover but to be him, powerful, professionally recognised and with options in life.. but OP you too have options to change your life and improve your finances. He has 20 years on you, you can change your life a lot in 20 years!

Sounds like you need to get yourself some counselling immediately. Affairs are about looking for something you have not got and quite often it's something you should have intrinsically like self worth or self confidence.

“It’s not like I can turn my husband into the other man, in terms of changing his profession or academic intelligence or social standing.”

But you’d trade off the man who loves you, makes you feel “safe in his arms” for the office alpha sleaze?
It’s a crush OP, its going on for a year has no significance, it doesn’t mean it must be something real or special, it just means the exciting chase has been going on for a year and will probably continue for as long as you both let it, the fun is in the pursuit and the challenge and the whole thing remains a future fantasy, which won’t live up to its promise.
Watch the viewing figures of any soap opera skyrocket when it looks like two of the main characters are on the verge of an affair. Everybody watches the excitement with bated breath. Once it happens, nobody cares as much, but they’ll tune in at the end once it looks like the affair will get found out to see the cheaters get their come-uppance.
After that, the viewing figures drop like a stone. Excitement over, the cheaters have morphed back into just ordinary people who have made a depressing mess of their lives . Nobody cares any more.
Once the fantasy becomes reality, it will only be exciting just because of the risk and secrecy, nothing more, because the big reveal has finally happened. You’re right about him, you’re nothing special: if not you, then somebody else. He loves the adulation and flirting, the situation, not the person. The play is the important part to him, the characters are inter-changeable.
Affairs can last a long time but even long affairs are no proof of a deep love. They can last a long time because affair partners spend relatively little time together as an unseen couple, no routine day to day life, it’s one long date, thus the ‘honeymoon period’ which happens in any new relationship lasts far longer in affairs and gets mistaken for ‘being in love’. Obstacles to relationships, time apart and risks heighten normal feelings and prolong the initial highs far longer than in a normal relationship. This adds false ‘value’ to the relationship and people think they’ve met their soulmate and never felt this alive before blah blah.. what they’re actually doing is getting off on novelty, flattery and high risk.
You’re flattered that somebody you see as high status fancies you. You fantasise about him falling in love with you and you being his adored wife in a lavish lifestyle future.
He already has an adored wife and children, too. You think his pursuit of you removes all feelings for them. It doesn’t, no matter what rubbish he’s about to tell you about it. He won’t give that up for you unless his wife throws him out. Chances are, she won’t.
Spare her a thought, the pair of you are about to destroy her.
He’ll enjoy fantasising about you, too, but only as his mistress. The only future with you he’s fantasising about is short term and between the sheets.
I wonder if your husband feels as safe as you do when you’re in his arms? He has no idea of the danger he’s in and you have no right to put him there and take away his choices and agency in what to do with his life and future, by keeping him in the dark. Presenting a fake reality to someone is gaslighting and is a recognised form of psychological abuse. Pretending all is well when it obviously isn’t, is gaslighting him. That’s already going on. Lying about what you are doing and where you are going is gaslighting. Don’t get as far with this man as to start that, it’s psychologically extremely damaging.
Nobody deserves abuse like that.

OP I think you’re kidding yourself when you say that you’d be fine with just sex and not investing feelings. I think that your feelings are already invested, and if you sleep with him, it will only make them stronger. I don’t think you can just shag him, get it out of your system, and then go back and be happy with your husband. You will likely be more unhappy than you are now. The problem appears to be that you aren’t happy in your marriage.

My ex had an affair. I found out, confronted him and he went to pieces. It was the end of our marriage, there were other issues but the affair gave me the final push to end things. It was a shit time and being a single mother was not easy. I met my now-husband a year and a bit later and then life got immeasurably better. I found someone with the same values and I’m now living a life that I would not dreamed and would not have had with my ex. I have a wonderful life.

My ex’s life has been a downward spiral. I know he hoped I would take him back but that was never going to happen. He has had broken relationship after broken relationship. Sometimes, the person that cheats ends up in a life they don’t recognise and the person who is cheated on ends up finding a better life.

I’m not saying this to have a go at you. If you are in a marriage where you didn’t actively choose who you wanted, I can see why you are tempted. But you haven’t considered how you might feel if your husband finds out, doesn’t forgive you, moves on and finds another woman who loves him. And they are the ones who live happily ever after.

That’s awful behaviour @HRchatter

This poor man has done nothing wrong and you’ve gone and humiliated him in front of his friends and work colleagues. Not everyone wants their private business broadcast at work.

And rightly or wrongly, it probably made a lot of people think "no wonder he cheated".

Although from OP's perspective, it's worth bearing in mind. It's awful behaviour, yes, but some people will do it. Do you feel lucky?

He cheated because he was a pathetic spineless idiot
You can end relationships any time you like for any reason you don’t need to cheat. That’s a reflection on the cheetah character. Nobody else is.
It’s interesting though, isn’t it that I’m the one that’s humiliated this man not the wife that opened their legs to everybody and anybody 🤣

And I wonder who might be the person that should’ve considered that before dropping their drawers ?

I had an affair.

It remains the biggest mistake of my life. I regret it every day. It haunts me.

Don't do it. It's not worth it.

Well it doesn't sound as if it was everybody and anybody, it was these two particular people. And it's absolutely wrong, for sure, but if I suddenly got messages like that about someone I worked with... yeah, I wouldn’t be impressed, I would feel bad for the poor blameless husband who's now had his work life ruined along with his personal life and I probably would think, "Awful to cheat but who the hell does this?". And I have to assume that on some level you do care what people think because you wanted them all to know.

So yeah, I also think it was really terrible behaviour. And at the same time, people do do this kind of thing, so you're right to warn OP that if this gets out - and in my experience, men get caught more than women, she should remember that 50% of the secret keeping would be beyond her control - this is a possible outcome.

it isnt a choice between two men though. You wouldnt be swapping your husband for this other guy you fancy. He is not offering you anything except maybe he would like to fuck you on the side without any consequences.
That isnt a win for you. Thats just a man being a dog. Men will fuck anything. Corpses, animals, vegetables. Being desired by a man is not a big deal. Its not significant. Grow up tbh.

If you dont think your husband is intelligent enough for you, you should have probably considered that before marrying him,

I wouldn’t do a single thing differently. I could not trash his car. I would not physically hurt them but I did as much damage to both of their lives as I possibly could without ending up in jail.
And to say no regrets

It was an obvious move to hurt the other woman through her husband and make it difficult for them to reconcile. Some betrayed spouses not just send photos and emails to work, there have been murders and assaults. Affair partners don't seem to consider the consequences, just replay the fun parts in their heads.

Affairs are always centred around something. Yours is ego driven your own ego v how you view your husband. How you view success, power and self.

How your feeling about him is your own ego you have him on a pedalstal and that he wants you is feeding your own.

Never in my professional career have I ever seen a woman in a work place affair not be absolutely trashed. Their professional reputation, the talking behind their back. Even years later.

If success matters to you so much worry about your own and your reputation.

As for the wife, your husband and wider families.

I personally see affairs as a form of abuse. And if there is still sex going on in the home relationship sexual abuse.

If he was a publicly acknowledged rapist would you be dying to climb into bed with him?

Would your husband consent to having sex with you, if he knew your office meeting was actually you getting screwed by your senior in a hotel?

Then take into all the life decision that your spouses will be making while living with two liars who are manipulating their actual day to day reality.

Affairs are all very good when its the thrill, the validation.

But you have to face yourself in the mirror every day knowing that you are capable of huge harm, manipulation and that you are willing to do all of that potential damage to yourself, your career and innocent people for your own ego.

Im not naive about how people are attracted to others. I would never have an affair because I value myself and others far to much to do what needs to be done to carry one out.

You are not going to get anyone
On mumsnet telling you it's OK to fuck a married man or betray your husband.

Tbh the older man sounds awful. Sleaze is really unattractive. I'd lean into remembering that if he would cheat with you he'd cheat on you. Just imagine how you'd feel after having an affair when he moves on to his next twinkie.

You have to imagine what people at work would say about you if they found out. You'd lose their respect, he'd still be a hero.

Is what you like in this man what your husband might eventually have when he's older? This older guy has got experience on his side and you are attracted to his power and status. Just think whether you'd still like him if he wasn't the boss.

I think fantasies are all very well but enacting them is invariably an exercise in disappointment and frustration.

If the sex is amazing (unlikely after the first couple of goes) then it makes you feel like you're missing out so your husband seems less attractive. If (as is more likely) once you get over the initial excitement then the sex is a let down then you've compromised your marriage and career for nothing.

Don't do anything to compromise yourself. Raise a concern with HR that someone senior has propositioned you and say you don't want to name names but do they have any advice as you are worried that if it happens again and you turn him down it could put your prospects at work in jeopardy. Protect yourself.

I don't think it matters how you feel about it, it's done now. Poor man, and children if there were any. I guess he/they were collateral damage.

OP, she's right about one thing: if his wife finds out (and you already suspect it isn't his first rodeo so she's likely to become aware too), it may turn out that she's this person. It would be better if you avoided it for more noble reasons but if it prevents it happening then I guess this reason works as well.

So true, the only spouse that matters is the male after all. Poor man 🙄

I have been in your position and I did follow through with it in the end, IMO once the idea is in your head, and cheating on your partner becomes a possibility in your mind - it is definitely going to happen.

There were no children involved though, and my affair 'partner' was single, we also didn't work together.

It ate me up inside and I couldn't keep it from my husband so I told him - It destroyed my marriage and we divorced- there were other problems though and he was very abusive, so I can't say from this side of things that I was upset with the outcome, it was hard but I never looked back

I do regret it though and wish I had ended the marriage via other means, as regardless of what he was like it was a shitty thing of me to do. Also I can tell you that once the damage is done, the allure of the other person completely dissipates - I look back now and cringe because he was an absolute scumbag but you get blinded by limerence.

All I would say is think long and hard and make sure you are comfortable with the absolute worst possible outcome and the feasibility of losing everything.

You've missed the point so phenomenally it's now entering the stratosphere over your head. Never mind.