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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Fighting starting an affair

196 replies

wsido · 19/10/2025 17:10

I know this is a stupid route to even consider but it is what it is and I’d rather take counsel, than ponder over it in my own mind.

I’m in my early 30s, female and married, and I’m being propositioned by a man in his 40s and also married. I’m his subordinate at work and we really are opposites on paper (including faith, ethnicity and social class). He’s never directly vocalised that he wants to start an affair but there have definitely been signs that he would be down for a sexual affair if I was down. Sadly, and I really do say this with extreme disappointment as I’d rather it not be this way, I’m very attracted to this man and it’s almost like if we were in a room together for long enough, something would happen as I don’t think our emotions are logical when we’re together.

I’ve been married for a few years now and of course my husband and I get into arguments, but they’re never deep enough to consider divorce or to involve anyone else. It’s just that when we do argue, my immediate thought goes back to the man at work and that I should just go through with the affair. Because of my strong attraction to him as well, I always think of him when I come across anything romantic or sexual. My own marriage didn’t start smoothly but I love my husband and wish to respect him, but it’s so fxing hard when this other man has qualities that my husband doesn’t have. I feel I can’t fully concentrate on my husband and on fixing any issues that we have (which I think are fixable), as my attention is elsewhere. Even when my husband and I have sex, I imagine the other man.

Has anyone has ever been in a similar position, and either fought off the affair successfully or not? I don’t have anyone to talk to about this (as you can imagine), so any advice would be appreciated.

OP posts:
Furrylittlesweetpotatoes · 19/10/2025 20:26

BruFord · 19/10/2025 20:25

@PeonyPatch I wonder whether it’s a windup to get us all annoyed?!

I’m beginning to think this. No one is this thick surely?

hopelesslove1 · 19/10/2025 20:26

Even if you don’t have an affair, if I was your DH then I would leave simply based on your infatuation and the fact you’re considering it. Your poor husband.

Elektra1 · 19/10/2025 20:27

Go ahead if you’re happy for your marriage to end, your time with kids (if you have any) to halve, probably to lose your job, definitely your reputation, and the respect of your family and friends.

If not content with that outcome, do something else.

Happyjoe · 19/10/2025 20:27

This is awful. I understand attraction, but if you don't care about your own life and husband, think of the colleagues poor wife. Sisterhood and all that. Poor lady, poor your husband. 😢

Gruffporcupine · 19/10/2025 20:28

HashtagSadTimes · 19/10/2025 17:28

Well I was the cheated on spouse in one of these triangles.

My spouse did not like it one bit, when they got an email to them at work telling where their possessions had been put and that the they should not return home. They never slept in our house again. I cc:ed the affair partner and also demonstrated I had the contact details for the other cheated on spouse.

Do not start an affair unless you are prepared (properly prepared) for it to blow up massively in your face. Especially if you have children. Do not expect Him to stand by you in any way either.
Getting divorced is very very expensive and painful, and even though a few years down the line the dust settles, everyone always remembers. (And your chemistry /star crossed lovers narrative will be retold as “skank”/“zip up your Mickey”)

This is so badass

PeonyPatch · 19/10/2025 20:29

BruFord · 19/10/2025 20:25

@PeonyPatch I wonder whether it’s a windup to get us all annoyed?!

Do you reckon?

I don’t know… I do think this is quite common. And I think that marital strife is a highly likely motivator for fuelling an affair…

AngelinaFibres · 19/10/2025 20:29

My mum worked in an office many year ago. The boss and one of the younger women were having an affair. Everyone knew about it. His wife found out and came in to the office with a bag of his dirty underpants which she tipped out on the young woman's desk . Her comment was that the young woman was having the nice bits of him so she could have his dirty washing too. Your boss is old enough and senior enough to have heard the phrase ' Never shag the payroll'

Whatwouldnanado · 19/10/2025 20:31

Give your head a wobble!
Look for another job.
Find another common interest with your husband, remember why you chose him in the first place.
Be glad you’re not the other guy’s wife!

Original poster
wsido · 19/10/2025 20:31

BruFord · 19/10/2025 20:15

@wsido You're not being a piece of shit, you haven’t done anything yet, you’re tempted, that’s all.

Many (most?) long term couples are tempted at some point, I said upthread that I’ve been and so has my DH. You just decide that it’s not worth risking your marriage and move on.

Respectfully, I do think I’m being a piece of shit because I’m rationalising it and I could have nipped it in the bud much sooner.

OP posts:
PeonyPatch · 19/10/2025 20:32

wsido · 19/10/2025 20:16

I do understand the damage this would cause to everyone (including myself and the other man). In my head however, what spurring on my attraction and yearning for him is the prospect of not being found out.

Show quote history

You’re very aware that:
“the prospect of not being found out.”

makes you a terrible partner?

BruFord · 19/10/2025 20:32

PeonyPatch · 19/10/2025 20:29

Do you reckon?

I don’t know… I do think this is quite common. And I think that marital strife is a highly likely motivator for fuelling an affair…

Show quote history

@PeonyPatch I dunno. She seems so determined not to listen to advice.

This is so common, people in relationships are attracted to other people and the way to deal with it is to tell yourself not to do anything about it.

AngelinaFibres · 19/10/2025 20:32

PeonyPatch · 19/10/2025 20:29

Do you reckon?

I don’t know… I do think this is quite common. And I think that marital strife is a highly likely motivator for fuelling an affair…

Show quote history

My exhusband had an affair with a 17 year old from the cash office whilst I was heavily pregnant with our second son and onwards post birth. He left when our children were 3 and 2. He was an absolute shit.

GelatoForMe · 19/10/2025 20:33

We are advised that this is immoral. Up to you really...you mention him and you having faiths....well, do you really have

PeonyPatch · 19/10/2025 20:33

AngelinaFibres · 19/10/2025 20:32

My exhusband had an affair with a 17 year old from the cash office whilst I was heavily pregnant with our second son and onwards post birth. He left when our children were 3 and 2. He was an absolute shit.

Show quote history

That’s terrible. I am so sorry to hear that happened to you. That shouldn’t have happened, especially while you were pregnant. Men who do that to their pregnant partners deserve a special place in hell.

PeonyPatch · 19/10/2025 20:35

BruFord · 19/10/2025 20:32

@PeonyPatch I dunno. She seems so determined not to listen to advice.

This is so common, people in relationships are attracted to other people and the way to deal with it is to tell yourself not to do anything about it.

Show quote history

That’s because they’re rationalising it… I think many people come on to forums like this for reassurance seeking to be perfectly honest. I hope for your marriage’s sake @wsido that you’re able to gather a more balanced perspective from this thread and make a better decision.

The problem is you working together, and closely together as well, in a bit of a power dynamic as well, that’s really not healthy given how you’re feeling and I’d highly suggest moving teams if you can or leaving (asap) when you can….

sharkstale · 19/10/2025 20:36

wsido · 19/10/2025 18:11

I’m so sorry and his wife and children are very much in mind when I try and fight my feelings. It would change the trajectory of my life if my husband cheated on me, because I know I would never be able to trust anyone ever again. So I always do think about why I would ever consider doing that to another woman and her children.

The nature of my work means I can’t actually avoid the other man so it’s a battle of me trying to be professional whilst also trying to deal with my attraction to him. I think it’s easier said than done to tell myself to stop feeling some type of way towards him or to focus on my marriage.

Strangely enough the only thing that completely turns me off the other man is the thought of him propositioning other younger females in the past/in the future. He’s been in the profession a lot longer than me and the way he hinted at being down for an affair was almost seamless, so I wouldn’t be surprised if this isn’t his first rodeo. I do keep on telling myself I’m nothing special, that him letting me know of his attraction was at a point where he only saw my appearance and not my personality (so it’s purely lust and to stick his friend into anything that he’s mildly interested in) and if it wasn’t me working with him and being DTF, he’d seek out another willing subordinate. I just wish that was the situation and perhaps if I just hold out a bit longer, he’ll move onto someone new and I’ll be old news for him. But at this point in time, it’s been over a year and my feelings aren’t letting up (and neither are his).

Show quote history

I very much doubt he's giving you as much thought as you're giving him.

And yes, you're probably right in saying if it wasn't you, it would be someone else. He's just looking for a cheap fuck, and thinks you're it. Have some self respect, and respect for your husband.

MID50s · 19/10/2025 20:36

wsido · 19/10/2025 20:01

Yes, I’d be fine with just the sex. That is what makes it harder as we’re both on the same page. I wouldn’t mind if he goes back to his family home and I go back to mine and we don’t invest our feelings into the fling. I do appreciate that it’s not that straightforward in reality however.

Spending my sexual energy would not add anything to my own marriage. If anything, it’d probably ruin my sex life with my husband.

Show quote history

You say that you won’t mind all of this now but if it starts you will start wanting more out of the relationship and feel more/differently as time goes on, just don’t do it! your husband sounds lovely

AngelinaFibres · 19/10/2025 20:38

PeonyPatch · 19/10/2025 20:33

That’s terrible. I am so sorry to hear that happened to you. That shouldn’t have happened, especially while you were pregnant. Men who do that to their pregnant partners deserve a special place in hell.

Show quote history

He is now dead. Committed suicide after shafting his second wife ( the former 17 year old) and their teenage daughter, embezzling a million pounds, going on the run and setting up home with a third woman who had no idea about anything he'd done in his previous lives . If there is a hell I think he ticked a few boxes for entry.

PeonyPatch · 19/10/2025 20:40

AngelinaFibres · 19/10/2025 20:38

He is now dead. Committed suicide after shafting his second wife ( the former 17 year old) and their teenage daughter, embezzling a million pounds, going on the run and setting up home with a third woman who had no idea about anything he'd done in his previous lives . If there is a hell I think he ticked a few boxes for entry.

Show quote history

Blimey!!!!

labamba18 · 19/10/2025 20:41

You honestly don’t sound like you love your husband. It’s sounds like your marriage is more of an obligation than anything else and you’re still very young. An affair is a terrible idea but I would look first at your marriage and whether you’re truly happy within it

NNforthispost · 19/10/2025 20:42

BruFord · 19/10/2025 19:59

@AngelinaFibres If he’s been there a while, the colleagues may even have seen it all before. He has a fling, the woman then leaves because the situation’s unbearable, he moves onto the next one. Quite possible.

Show quote history

I’ve seen this happen. OP - don’t do it. Just find another job. And have a serious talk with your husband as he may decide he wants someone who really loves him and is committed to the relationship.

PixieandMe · 19/10/2025 20:43

Think about your husband finding out and it potentially ending your marriage. Only proceed if that’s what you want to happen because there’s a good chance that he'd eventually find out.

Think about your loved one’s finding out that your affair ended your marriage.

It’s very risky and these are the risks you’re considering taking. Take a good long look in the mirror and ask yourself if this is really who you are.

Try to put your ego, the flattery and excitement of the flame this man has lit within you to one side. Read up on affairs and the brain chemistry changes that happen. You’re at the top of a slippery slope and were right to seek counsel.

I truly hope this helps.

Luckyingame · 19/10/2025 20:44

Oh dear. (Don't).
As honestly as possible, even if your husband (kids) don't notice and everything is fine, you'll find out it wasn't worth while. Not even one minute of your time or energy.
Wait for it.

Original poster
wsido · 19/10/2025 20:45

PeonyPatch · 19/10/2025 20:35

That’s because they’re rationalising it… I think many people come on to forums like this for reassurance seeking to be perfectly honest. I hope for your marriage’s sake @wsido that you’re able to gather a more balanced perspective from this thread and make a better decision.

The problem is you working together, and closely together as well, in a bit of a power dynamic as well, that’s really not healthy given how you’re feeling and I’d highly suggest moving teams if you can or leaving (asap) when you can….

Show quote history

I understand why this sounds like a wind up but I’ll leave it to you to decide whether it is or it isn’t (it’s not, but wish it was).

I definitely do feel better about the situation from reading all of the responses. I think I am romanticising it all and for some reason I think I’d come out of the affair unscathed with a loving husband to go back home to, blissfully unaware of my dishonesty. Thank you for all of the responses.

I will strongly consider moving teams. I do enjoy my work and I worked hard to get where I am, but I feel annoyed that because of my stupid feelings it means having to move elsewhere to be honest to my husband and the other man’s family.

OP posts:
Original poster
wsido · 19/10/2025 20:50

labamba18 · 19/10/2025 20:41

You honestly don’t sound like you love your husband. It’s sounds like your marriage is more of an obligation than anything else and you’re still very young. An affair is a terrible idea but I would look first at your marriage and whether you’re truly happy within it

I feel like I am happy and pre- the other man, I was fully invested into my husband. Now this other man is highlighting the qualities I wish my husband had. But I’m not going to throw in the towel in my marriage because of that, because even if I was back on the market, the next man wouldn’t have all of the qualities I want. I think there is something wrong with me and I wish I knew what it was.

Perhaps I have some deep rooted issues that I need to resolve through therapy.

OP posts: