Fighting starting an affair

[wsido]

I know this is a stupid route to even consider but it is what it is and I’d rather take counsel, than ponder over it in my own mind.

I’m in my early 30s, female and married, and I’m being propositioned by a man in his 40s and also married. I’m his subordinate at work and we really are opposites on paper (including faith, ethnicity and social class). He’s never directly vocalised that he wants to start an affair but there have definitely been signs that he would be down for a sexual affair if I was down. Sadly, and I really do say this with extreme disappointment as I’d rather it not be this way, I’m very attracted to this man and it’s almost like if we were in a room together for long enough, something would happen as I don’t think our emotions are logical when we’re together.

I’ve been married for a few years now and of course my husband and I get into arguments, but they’re never deep enough to consider divorce or to involve anyone else. It’s just that when we do argue, my immediate thought goes back to the man at work and that I should just go through with the affair. Because of my strong attraction to him as well, I always think of him when I come across anything romantic or sexual. My own marriage didn’t start smoothly but I love my husband and wish to respect him, but it’s so fxing hard when this other man has qualities that my husband doesn’t have. I feel I can’t fully concentrate on my husband and on fixing any issues that we have (which I think are fixable), as my attention is elsewhere. Even when my husband and I have sex, I imagine the other man.

Has anyone has ever been in a similar position, and either fought off the affair successfully or not? I don’t have anyone to talk to about this (as you can imagine), so any advice would be appreciated.

Why did you get married if you don’t think the vows need to be taken seriously? Regardless of your husband, your arguments or your crush, do you want to be a person who has affairs or do you want to be a person who is doesn’t. That is what you should base your decision on.

Honestly I think it’s what my husband is lacking. My husband is a kind man but not very bright. He earns enough to keep us going but the earning potential isn’t great. I love him for everything else though. When I cuddle with him I feel so warm and safe and I don’t think there are many other men who could offer me that.

The other man, however, holds a very respectable position in an industry that is competitive and only the best get to his role. He studied at a university in the top 5 worldwide and from working with him, it’s clear why he got to where he is. He’s also respectful and I see elements of him being a good person deep down, which makes me more attracted to him because he (ironically) is a rather principled man when you take away his desire to cheat on his wife.

It’s not like I can turn my husband into the other man, in terms of changing his profession or academic intelligence or social standing.

Not respectable or principled to be considering cheating. Come on. That's like saying that Peter Sutcliffe was nice to his wife...

@wsido "Honestly I think it’s what my husband is lacking. My husband is a kind man but not very bright. He earns enough to keep us going but the earning potential isn’t great."

It sounds as if you don't respect your husband. That's very worrying.

Well end your marriage then and tell this unbelievable catch that you'll spread your legs for him when he's ended his. Then you can both live happily ever after. But be prepared for the same old boring shit once you're scrubbing the skid marks off his pants. Oh and with the added excitement (and expense) of having his kids 50% of the time.

Can you get a different job? You're playing with fire op.

Do the right thing. Don’t destroy lives/ turn families upside down. I’ve had this done to me and I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone.

‘He’s also respectful and I see elements of him being a good person deep down, which makes me more attracted to him because he (ironically) is a rather principled man when you take away his desire to cheat on his wife.’

You understand cheating is abusive right? He cannot be ‘principled’ and planning to betray his wife and family. You sound bloody ridiculous.

And quite frankly reading what you’re writing about your husband makes my heart break for him. You just sound nasty. ‘Not very bright’

Please leave him, he deserves better than you.

This is a little baffling @wsido
You have problems communicating safely and respectfully within your marriage and your go to is, have an affair?
Have you thought of marriage councelling? Talking one to one in a neutral place? Suggesting a safe word to de-escalate a heated moment?
If you want your freedom and the end of your marriage, then start a divorce fund. Look at your options.
If your husband gets wind of your fantasy he may well throw you and a suitcase out of the house, change the locks and pursue an aggressive divorce designed to punish you for humiliating him.
When I started divorce proceedings against my now exh, he got nasty really quick. No affair involved. He lied and lied. Stole from me. Allsorts. I never saw it coming. Never knew someone could be so devious.
You want your cake and eat it too.

Never crap in your work space. You will be named the office bike before the end of the day.
Best of luck.

I do think that is the root of the issue. I feel like I do respect my husband in the sense I don’t want to hurt him (nor the other man’s wife and children), but tbh I do think there is a disparity between us in respect of intelligence, our respective professions, his qualifications, etc. He is a better person than me however in other ways; he’s more thoughtful, more ambitious, more patient and understanding of others and so on. I’ve worked with enough men to know those qualities are what matter in a husband, much more than if he’s bringing in lots of money.

It sounds silly but what my husband lacks, the other man has those qualities. If the other man was not around, I would be satisfied with my husband but the possibility of being with the other man (even if purely sleeping around with him, but still being associated with him) keeps me attracted to him.

Reading back my responses is making me cringe but I am appreciating the replies.

what makes you think the other man would want to seriously have a relationship with you?

you sound shallow af, so what if he’s billy big bollocks? He clearly doesn’t respect women very much.

@wsido

It's far better that you make this post before having an affair, rather than during or after.

Is there someone you could confide in in real life? Would you consider therapy - but bear in mind you might reach the conclusion that you need to leave your husband?

To reiterate: the aftermath of an affair can last for decades, literally. But well done for being honest.

Your writing style is interesting. 🤔

Yes it does sound ridiculous and I’m being naïve.

When I say my husband is “not very bright” I do so relative to the other man; my husband of course exceeds the other man in other ways. But when I spend my work day with this other man, seeing him exercise his power and status in a way my husband would not be able to in his own line of work or at home, that adds to the attraction to this other man. I probably do need to find another job.

I know you say its easier said than done but I don't think you have a choice. Think of the devastation this would cause.

For a man you think has qualities that your dh doesn't possess?! Your dh is kind, warm, gentle and loyal. This guy is letting it be known that he'd 'be down for an affair'. He's not admirable. He's a sleaze! Your dh is a prince in comparison.

Op you said the marriage had a rocky start, was it a lovely marriage or arranged? I only ask because it's really unclear why you married him given you don't seem to have much respect for him. Yes he's a safe bet, but you clearly don't think he's clever or ambitious enough for you.

I think at this point your only hope of keeping the marriage is to find a new job

I’m very much aware the other man doesn’t want a serious relationship. Also very much aware that I’m just a pretty little thing to sleep with (if he hasn’t sacked me off before we’ve got to that stage) and he’ll carry on propositioning other women long after that. I do sound shallow when I talk about his status, wealth, etc but unfortunately these things matter in the context of attraction.

Jesus wept.

This man does not have 'feelings' for you. He enjoys stringing you along, would be happy to fuck you whenever you agree to it, and then he would immediately ditch you. Okay, maybe he'd string you along a bit longer. But you would lose everyone's respect in your industry, destroy your marriage, and feel like a fool.

I would stop thinking about this man and start wondering about yourself. What is lacking in you (not your husband, you) that you would want to get involved with someone who is so obviously not a good man and with whom you would destroy your marriage and your career in one fell swoop? That's what I'd be asking myself.

You don't want an affair because there's something wrong with your husband. You want an affair because there's something wrong with you.

How so?

”He’s also respectful and I see elements of him being a good person deep down, which makes me more attracted to him because he (ironically) is a rather principled man when you take away his desire to cheat on his wife.”

An individual who lacks integrity in one part of his life doesn’t actually have principles in any part of his life; he’s just pretending until he has a reason to act otherwise. Sociopaths and narcissists are very good at acting principled and kind, but only actions will tell you what someone will do when the stakes are high enough. If you’re interpreting his signals correctly (if this post is even real, but even it’s not, it can be an example for others), then he has no integrity.

It was love but I married him because he was (and is) a good man and a good husband. We aren’t quite the match in some ways but I/ our loved ones think we are compatible where it truly matters.

If he's a good man and husband, why are you even remotely considering treating him with such disrespect and hurting him beyond measure?

If he's not enough for you then you need to separate. But don't put him through adultery. I have been there and it's soul-destroying.

A principled man but you suspect he’s cheated many times before with other willing stupid women. That’s a contradiction in terms.

@wsido Remember that you’re only seeing this man in a work context, in a profession that he’s presumably well-suited to and performs well in.

That’s only one side of his personality though. He could be a lazy slob at home for all you know; he could even have a bad temper that he conceals at work.

One of my friends married her boss (he was divorced, his first wife left him) and she was attracted to him because he was such a Superman at work. Once they got serious, however, she started realizing why his first wife ended it - he’s nice enough but a complete workaholic. Work comes before everything, their children, their relationship, etc. She’s accepted this but she isn’t having the life she thought she would.

The more you say about this man, the more. I think he’ll have a quick shag and move onto the next woman. Whereas you’ll lose your DH and be full of regrets.

I think you are attracted to this other man’s power. He’s powerful and successful in his job. What are you actually wanting? Just the sex with this man? Would you feel any guilt for your husband, his wife and family? When you go home to your husband would having had sex with this colleague make your home life and marriage any happier? I think having a husband who makes you feel safe and loved should be your priority and not do something which runs the risk of loosing that.