Fighting starting an affair

[wsido]

I know this is a stupid route to even consider but it is what it is and I’d rather take counsel, than ponder over it in my own mind.

I’m in my early 30s, female and married, and I’m being propositioned by a man in his 40s and also married. I’m his subordinate at work and we really are opposites on paper (including faith, ethnicity and social class). He’s never directly vocalised that he wants to start an affair but there have definitely been signs that he would be down for a sexual affair if I was down. Sadly, and I really do say this with extreme disappointment as I’d rather it not be this way, I’m very attracted to this man and it’s almost like if we were in a room together for long enough, something would happen as I don’t think our emotions are logical when we’re together.

I’ve been married for a few years now and of course my husband and I get into arguments, but they’re never deep enough to consider divorce or to involve anyone else. It’s just that when we do argue, my immediate thought goes back to the man at work and that I should just go through with the affair. Because of my strong attraction to him as well, I always think of him when I come across anything romantic or sexual. My own marriage didn’t start smoothly but I love my husband and wish to respect him, but it’s so fxing hard when this other man has qualities that my husband doesn’t have. I feel I can’t fully concentrate on my husband and on fixing any issues that we have (which I think are fixable), as my attention is elsewhere. Even when my husband and I have sex, I imagine the other man.

Has anyone has ever been in a similar position, and either fought off the affair successfully or not? I don’t have anyone to talk to about this (as you can imagine), so any advice would be appreciated.

Difficult for you that you cannot avoid this man. It sounds like the only option that is going to work is finding another job, and once the temptation has been removed you can figure out how to work on your relationship.

Your poor husband….

It sounds as though you're fixated on this other man. The attraction is superficial. You mention that this other man has qualities that your husband doesn't possess - does that include infidelity?
How would it lake you feel about f you found your husband listing after a woman he worked closely with?
I think you should work on the reasons you are not content with your marriage. If they make you realise that your marriage wasn't all it's cracked up to be then so be it. But you can't continue to remain in a marriage, not fixing the reason you're staying and then make such a big mistake to cross that line. If you had tried everything to fix your marriage and nothing worked, and it was dead, then maybe you could be forgiven for staying but as it is, it just looks like this is what you do, no matter how you dress it up. There is no reason for you to be straying, but you continue to have that wandering eye. If this was a man posting, you'd have such nasty comments. You shouldn't be pussy footed around just because you're a woman.

As you and pp have said it is totally superficial so why would you consider throwing a bomb into your life for superficial? Its madness. Tbh you and this colleague don't sound very bright right now. Your dh deserves better. You aren't powerless. You can choose to not fuck him over.

Your work colleagues will think very poorly of you. We all know the terms they'll use for you.
If it turns into something then you'll have his children 50% of the time or every weekend. Read a few posts on the step parent forum. That should put you off for life.

Agree. @wsido tell your husband that he's not good enough for pretty little thing you...🤢🤮.
That he's not educated or wealthy enough for you, and that you're planning on doing so much better with your boss.. 🙄🙄

@AngelinaFibres If he’s been there a while, the colleagues may even have seen it all before. He has a fling, the woman then leaves because the situation’s unbearable, he moves onto the next one. Quite possible.

Yes, I’d be fine with just the sex. That is what makes it harder as we’re both on the same page. I wouldn’t mind if he goes back to his family home and I go back to mine and we don’t invest our feelings into the fling. I do appreciate that it’s not that straightforward in reality however.

Spending my sexual energy would not add anything to my own marriage. If anything, it’d probably ruin my sex life with my husband.

@wsido So you’d be fine with your DH doing the same with a work colleague?
If so, it sounds as if you’re prepared to have an open marriage.

As I haven’t brought it up with my other colleagues I haven’t had the opportunity to suss out his past. I would be elated if a colleague that has worked with him long enough tells me he has a history of this sort of thing, but there hasn’t been an indication of it for the last four and a bit years we’ve worked together. I only assume I’m not his first because of the industry we work in and my situation is a cliché, and like I said, he was too slick with his proposition.

You’d be ok with removing your husbands right to informed sexual consent? And his wife’s? And you’d feel ok about it because ‘you’d be happy with him going back to her’

Do you understand the deep psychological damage this causes?

Impossible to have an open marriage for various reasons.

It’s just not worth it OP, you probably do find his authority etc attractive, same as women who fancy the gardener vs their pot bellied rich husband. It’s just different. You could totally fuck up your life for a shag basically.

I was just speculating @wsido.

It’s also possible that this man has an open marriage and you might be fine having the same with your DH?

Sorry, just saw your update. If it’s not possible for you to have an open marriage, there’s your answer. Shag this man and you’ll lose your marriage.

I think the consensus is that I’m being a piece of shit in this scenario so I don’t know where this is going…

My SiL revealed last year that she'd been having an affair with her boss for the last year..his wife and my BiL had no idea. Both have two kids within their marriages.

It has irrevocably changed how all of us view her. Her own parents are feeling angry and ashamed of her choices. She's desperate for us to all accept her lover (and his children) as new members of the family, but all I see when I'm around him is the man who was happy to screw his colleague behind his wife's back for a year. When they kiss in front of us it actually makes me feel ill.

If you choose to end your relationship and he chooses to end his first then that's a world of difference. But honestly don't do something you'll later regret. Also (as we've all pointed out to SiL), how on earth would you ever be able to trust eachother if you knew that each was capable of lying and infidelity? You say he would literally just want you for sex, that's both degrading to you as well as being in some ways even more of an insult that you'd contemplate hurting your DH and.his wife so badly for a cheap thrill.

@wsido You're not being a piece of shit, you haven’t done anything yet, you’re tempted, that’s all.

Many (most?) long term couples are tempted at some point, I said upthread that I’ve been and so has my DH. You just decide that it’s not worth risking your marriage and move on.

I do understand the damage this would cause to everyone (including myself and the other man). In my head however, what spurring on my attraction and yearning for him is the prospect of not being found out.

I don’t get this business of being completely overwhelmed with obsessive lust, as an adult. This last happened to me when I was about 14.

Stop thinking of it in terms of a constant struggle against irresistible temptation and powerful passion and illogical magnetic emotions, and start thinking in terms of being at work to do a job and avoid the gross overtures of your sleazy boss.

You’re making this into a teenage romance fantasy. He’s just some grim middle aged chancer with grandiose fantasies of self importance.

You and he would deserve it, your dh and his dw and kids wouldn't

Very true.

Ah, so a money grabber then.

Your H would be well rid of you.

When I was the victim of two people, like you and this man, I dreamt about it, I’d wake up crying, I smelt her on him once, I knew. I was devalued and treated like dirt in my home.

I knew and it broke me. I then went and found the proof! You don’t need to be found out for a betrayed partner to just ‘know’ something is wrong.

It then broke him, completely but that’s another story.

You're reading posts on here from women telling you the damage and it’s clear you’re more bothered about whether or not he’s done this before. You’re more bothered about finding out whether you’re ‘special’.

It’s a shocking lack of empathy and just shows the selfishness and entitlement inherent in cheats.

I mean… I totally rate the honesty of the OP.

However, you’re really doing such a disservice to your husband. You remember him? The guy who made vows to be with you? You’re willing to throw that away for an older man at work who by the way is in a position of authority. It’s a textbook tale isn’t it?

The thing is, relationships and marriages are hard work. However, the fantasy and the illusion and excitement, escapism, thrill etc of an affair isn’t. It’s not worth it whatsoever. I’d be looking for a new job. It’s completely inappropriate.

@PeonyPatch I wonder whether it’s a windup to get us all annoyed?!