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Original poster

Am I wrong to be bothered by DH going to cinema with female colleague

237 replies

Anon1234567891 · 16/10/2025 20:19

Just that really. DH has been to the cinema a few times with a female colleague as she doesn’t have anyone else to go with that likes this type of film, including her own DH. I don’t believe they are having an affair, physically anyway, as this is the only time they go out alone and it’s only a few times a year. So am I wrong to be jealous / annoyed? It’s complicated because things haven’t been great the last few years and because of various things I have probably been quite withdrawn from him so probably couldn’t blame him and he doesn’t have much of a social life so not surprised he wants to go out. Just feels like he is more happy to go out with her than he is to make the effort to go out with me.

OP posts:
Wherethewildthings · 16/10/2025 20:20

Yes, yabu. This is the height of controlling.

Catsknowbest · 16/10/2025 20:20

Sorry but I wouldn't be even slightly comfortable with this.

lollypop42 · 16/10/2025 20:24

no way would i be comfy with that

CarlaLemarchant · 16/10/2025 20:26

Look, you know what’s comfortable for you and in many cases I wouldn’t be ok with a Mumsnet DH going out with another woman but they appear to share a niche interest that they indulge in a few times a year. I’d worry if he mentions her excessively or messages a lot or is secretive but otherwise I’d probably be ok with it.
My DH likes some of the same bands as one of my friends. I’ve been happy for them to go to the occasional gig together as it’s not music I like.

wrongthinker · 16/10/2025 20:27

Are you unreasonable to not want your husband to go on dates with another woman? Not really. Your husband is putting time and effort into the relationship with his colleague that he's not putting in with his marriage, and that's a red flag.

People can go and watch films by themselves. They don't need a partner for that.

Moresparecashplease · 16/10/2025 20:29

Well I wouldn't be happy with it OP.
It's too much like a date for my liking. Do they also go for a drink or a meal before or after the cinema?
Do they also spend time discussing their mutual interest?

If it isn't an emotional attachment already then there is a good chance of it becoming one.

Fargo79 · 16/10/2025 20:29

Wherethewildthings · 16/10/2025 20:20

Yes, yabu. This is the height of controlling.

Such a silly comment. She hasn't "controlled" anything. She is describing her feelings to strangers on an anonymous forum.

Wherethewildthings · 16/10/2025 20:30

Fargo79 · 16/10/2025 20:29

Such a silly comment. She hasn't "controlled" anything. She is describing her feelings to strangers on an anonymous forum.

Show quote history

And there hasn't been any cold shouldering, "jokey" comments, actual comments at home? Very naive of you.

Fargo79 · 16/10/2025 20:33

This would be completely unacceptable within my marriage, for either of us. We do both have long-standing close friends of the opposite sex (i.e. old family friends or uni friends) who are well known to both of us and I can definitely see a situation where one of us might catch up with one of these friends one-on-one. But going to the cinema with a colleague or a new friend who isn't known to the other spouse? Absolutely not. Would never happen.

Ladamesansmerci · 16/10/2025 20:35

I wouldn't care, but I'm a lesbian, so my perspective is skewed 🤷 It would be ridiculous of me to expect my wife to never hang out with other women, and we have a lot of gay friends.

It boils down to how much you trust your partner I guess. If it's a few times a year, then I highly doubt it's anything dodgy. It just sounds like they have a shared interest. I think men and women can just be friends. And the cinema doesn't have to be date life. Friends go together too.

Fargo79 · 16/10/2025 20:35

Wherethewildthings · 16/10/2025 20:30

And there hasn't been any cold shouldering, "jokey" comments, actual comments at home? Very naive of you.

Show quote history

Naïve? Give over. I think you're on the wind up.

What you're describing (or actually, inventing) would still not be controlling. People are allowed to have boundaries and express their feelings.

Littlemrsconfetti · 16/10/2025 20:36

She can go by herself to watch the film! I've done it before.

Tricky one everyone has different boundaries but I would not be happy!

Original poster
Anon1234567891 · 16/10/2025 20:38

Wherethewildthings · 16/10/2025 20:30

And there hasn't been any cold shouldering, "jokey" comments, actual comments at home? Very naive of you.

Show quote history

I don’t really understand your comment, as PP said I haven’t stopped him going I am just asking if I am wrong to feel weird about it. He has offered not to go but I thought that would be controlling if I said no but also feel it would be used against me.

OP posts:
AgentPidge · 16/10/2025 20:39

I wouldn't like it. There's something intimate about watching a film in the darkness of a cinema.

Newnamehiwhodis · 16/10/2025 20:41

The shared interest and intimacy of the shared experience wouldn’t work for me, especially if the relationship is going through rough times.
if it were in a group, it would be different. YANBU.

Catsknowbest · 16/10/2025 20:43

Wherethewildthings · 16/10/2025 20:20

Yes, yabu. This is the height of controlling.

Rubbish!! I can tell you out of the dozen or more women I know well, not one of them would be ok with this.

Catsknowbest · 16/10/2025 20:44

Wherethewildthings · 16/10/2025 20:30

And there hasn't been any cold shouldering, "jokey" comments, actual comments at home? Very naive of you.

Show quote history

Oh you live with them then? OK now we understand.

Catsknowbest · 16/10/2025 20:45

Anon1234567891 · 16/10/2025 20:38

I don’t really understand your comment, as PP said I haven’t stopped him going I am just asking if I am wrong to feel weird about it. He has offered not to go but I thought that would be controlling if I said no but also feel it would be used against me.

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Don't worry, none of us understand it either.

Topseyt123 · 16/10/2025 20:46

I wouldn't be at all comfortable with that and wouldn't hold back on letting him know.

It's totally inappropriate.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 16/10/2025 20:48

I think it's different if it were a one off movie that they were all talking about and you had no interest in.

But it seems to be becoming a regular event and I wouldn't like that! . and as you say.. you'd like him to put the same effort into going out with you.

Could you really not have wanted to see any of the films they've been going to?

Or would you have gone to keep him company?

middleagebumpyroad · 16/10/2025 20:52

Your feelings are valid. I wouldn’t like this one bit. And I would be demanding it to stop. That time he’s putting into going to the cinema is taking time away from you and your relationship. Have you heard of an emotional affair @Anon1234567891 ? The only adult I go to the cinema with is my DP, and it is sort of like a mini date for us I suppose. Which is why I find it really inappropriate. Both of them being married isn’t a shield that means an affair won’t eventually happen.

Fargo79 · 16/10/2025 20:57

Anon1234567891 · 16/10/2025 20:38

I don’t really understand your comment, as PP said I haven’t stopped him going I am just asking if I am wrong to feel weird about it. He has offered not to go but I thought that would be controlling if I said no but also feel it would be used against me.

Show quote history

I think the fact he knows you're uncomfortable - which is very normal and understandable - and he's still planning to go is hugely problematic. It's adding insult to injury.

It sounds like, cinema aside, this isn't currently a very happy relationship. I think you both need a serious discussion about how to move forward and what your goals are for your marriage.

OSTMusTisNT · 16/10/2025 20:59

Tag along sometimes if you're that bothered?

SparklyCardigan · 16/10/2025 20:59

Would it bother you if he was going with a male colleague?

Hedgehogbrown · 16/10/2025 21:00

Well you have two issues here. One is that your marriage isn't as good as it could be, and you both need to work on what's wrong. And another issue that he isn't allowed to spend time with a friend without you being annoyed. The two things re separate.

Everyone on here who wouldn't be comfortable with it, you must have one of those shitty Mumsnet husband's who shags anyone around. Most of us wouldn't be an eye. Do you seriously have no male friends? Absolutely crazy behaviour.

As for being upset that he wants to make an effort for his friend but not you.. well it's a different relationship. Friends have less drama. Do you like those films? Do you want to go to the cinema with him? Find other things to do together, it's not either / or.