Page 3 | Am I wrong to be bothered by DH going to cinema with female colleague

Moresparecashplease · 17/10/2025 07:37

FruitMergeAddict · 17/10/2025 07:24

Blows my mind that some people don't do stuff with a whole range of people. Wouldn't ever have occurred to me to be stressed about this. Someone having an affair looks and behaves differently than someone going to the cinema with a friend.

People can cheat anywhere - would you stop your husband going to work or going online or going to a hobby?

Perhaps you missed OP saying that their marriage isn't in a great place and she feels her H would rather go out and do stuff with this woman rather than go out with her.

OP is supposed to be his life partner yet he is preferring to spend his leisure time with another woman who he already spends a large amount of time with when he is at work.

He sharing an interest with this woman and he is sharing an experience with her - going to the cinema - very much associated with one shared by couples.

So I think you are very much minimising the potential for the danger to OP's marriage by labelling this as just " doing stuff with other people"

zaxxon · 17/10/2025 07:49

ooohreallly · 17/10/2025 07:05

I don’t understand comments like this.
Surely if the husband is ‘straight’ then when doing stuff with another male no feelings or boundaries can be crossed, however, if the husband is heterosexual and is attracted to females then feelings and boundaries can be crossed.
The statement is nonsense.

Show quote history

Did you see the thread last month from the woman who was annoyed that her husband was planning to take a day out of their French family holiday to go and see an old (male) friend who was also in France, albeit some distance away?

It went on for many pages, and by the end, some posters had agreed amongst themselves that the whole thing had "Brokeback vibes" and the husband was unquestionably a gay cowboy 🤠

Landlubber2019 · 17/10/2025 07:54

A male colleague invited me to the cinema, despite being sociable and happy to go for drinks and meals with male friends, the cinema felt inappropriate and i chose to end the friendship. My dh never knew, it was entirely my decision and I think he would have been ok had I gone but it just felt too much like a date for my liking

Deeprug · 17/10/2025 08:02

We're a pretty chilled couple but there is no way on earth either of us would be going to the cinema for the evening with the opposite sex. It just would not happen. I would put a stop to this and I don't care what others say, this is my opinion.

gannett · 17/10/2025 08:51

He sharing an interest with this woman and he is sharing an experience with her - going to the cinema - very much associated with one shared by couples.

It isn't associated with couples at all. I have definitely been to the cinema more times in my life with platonic friends (male, female, one-on-one, groups) than romantic partners.

The same goes for dinners in nice restaurants, gigs, theatre, clubs and every single public leisure activity, really. The activity doesn't make it a date - the person you're there with does.

Do you not share interests with people other than your husband? Do you not spend leisure time with friends rather than him, sometimes?

gannett · 17/10/2025 08:52

ForeverHopeful3 · 16/10/2025 23:14

I don't need to read the long description.

I would NEVER be okay with my SO going to the movies even ONCE with another woman that's not a relative. Unless he's taking me as well, he is not going. Period.

If a man dared say anything like this to me he'd be out on his ear and the relationship would be instantly over. Take a look at your controlling self. Talk about a red flag.

QueenClinomania · 17/10/2025 08:56

"Just feels like he is more happy to go out with her than he is to make the effort to go out with me."

Hell yes i'd have a huge fucking problem with that!

Tell him you want to go out together with him and if he can make the effort for her he should want to spend time with you too!

tripleginandtonic · 17/10/2025 08:58

Ladamesansmerci · 16/10/2025 20:35

I wouldn't care, but I'm a lesbian, so my perspective is skewed 🤷 It would be ridiculous of me to expect my wife to never hang out with other women, and we have a lot of gay friends.

It boils down to how much you trust your partner I guess. If it's a few times a year, then I highly doubt it's anything dodgy. It just sounds like they have a shared interest. I think men and women can just be friends. And the cinema doesn't have to be date life. Friends go together too.

This.

Original poster

Anon1234567891 · 17/10/2025 09:31

I think that many of you are right that this is a symptom of our issues rather than the cause and if things were better in our relationship then I wouldn’t be worried. I do know men and women can just be friends, I am more concerned about them having an emotional connection that we probably don’t have at the moment, than a physical one. Over the years we have become more like house mates, which I guess can sometimes happen when you’ve been together a long time.

OP posts:

ooohreallly · 17/10/2025 09:40

@zaxxonwow, I did not see that 😃

luckylavender · 17/10/2025 09:40

I wouldn’t be happy

gannett · 17/10/2025 10:19

Anon1234567891 · 17/10/2025 09:31

I think that many of you are right that this is a symptom of our issues rather than the cause and if things were better in our relationship then I wouldn’t be worried. I do know men and women can just be friends, I am more concerned about them having an emotional connection that we probably don’t have at the moment, than a physical one. Over the years we have become more like house mates, which I guess can sometimes happen when you’ve been together a long time.

This is probably right.

When you have a strong emotional connection with your partner, you're not threatened by the possibility of him having platonic emotional connections with other people and you're not threatened if those people happen to be women.

I suppose when your emotional connection has died, those things can be threatening. But trying to police his friendships and prevent other (normal, platonic) emotional connections isn't going to resurrect it. Whether you can bring it back depends on you and him - not the friends you may or may not have outside the marriage, nor whether those friends are men or women.

middleagebumpyroad · 17/10/2025 13:08

Is it worth sitting your husband down - not to talk about his friendship but your marriage. See if you both want to work on your relationship and how you navigate it.
Marriage counselling may be a good call now before things get worse.

Eviebeans · 17/10/2025 13:11

wrongthinker · 16/10/2025 20:27

Are you unreasonable to not want your husband to go on dates with another woman? Not really. Your husband is putting time and effort into the relationship with his colleague that he's not putting in with his marriage, and that's a red flag.

People can go and watch films by themselves. They don't need a partner for that.

This.

noidea69 · 17/10/2025 13:16

Why is it you have become withdrawn from him? Something he did?

Flipitnreverseit · 17/10/2025 13:17

The fact he doesn’t out as much effort into taking you out, or even being social with you would make it very uncomfortable for me.

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 17/10/2025 13:35

Anon1234567891 · 17/10/2025 09:31

I think that many of you are right that this is a symptom of our issues rather than the cause and if things were better in our relationship then I wouldn’t be worried. I do know men and women can just be friends, I am more concerned about them having an emotional connection that we probably don’t have at the moment, than a physical one. Over the years we have become more like house mates, which I guess can sometimes happen when you’ve been together a long time.

You seem to understand what your issues are so start working on those. Maybe find something you both like doing or find something new, could be anything as long as you do it together and you both enjoy it.
My penny's worth is I would not be happy with my DH going to the cinema with female friend, it's far too intimate.

jjeoreo · 17/10/2025 13:35

Interesting. I think the newness of it is maybe what I would be uncomfortable with. Like - tonight my husband is going for dinner, a sauna and some live music with a mutual female friend of ours. We've known her since we were 18! I have no concerns at all with that, wouldn't even cross my mind to be suspicious. However. If he had met someone at work and they were going to do something cultural together I think I'd be a bit put out, although would trust him and be happy for him to go anyway.

jjeoreo · 17/10/2025 13:36

Anon1234567891 · 17/10/2025 09:31

I think that many of you are right that this is a symptom of our issues rather than the cause and if things were better in our relationship then I wouldn’t be worried. I do know men and women can just be friends, I am more concerned about them having an emotional connection that we probably don’t have at the moment, than a physical one. Over the years we have become more like house mates, which I guess can sometimes happen when you’ve been together a long time.

Ah yea, just read your update. That would be hurtful to me.

Moresparecashplease · 18/10/2025 08:13

I think the fact when she split up from her H , albeit temporarily, it was your H that helped her move out of her home would very much concern me OP.

If he is the one she automatically expected help from in those circumstances would indicate they are pretty close and emotionally involved.

It certainly makes her much more than just a " work colleague " he goes to the cinema with.

SomeConstellation · 18/10/2025 08:36

gannett · 16/10/2025 22:01

It's not a date. It's going to the cinema. I go to the cinema with mates all the time, usually to see bleak subtitled arthouse films that DP has no interest in. Some of those mates are men. We have managed not to start any affairs.

It is batshit to insist that people in relationships have to go to the cinema by themselves even if they have a friend who shares their taste in film.

God I'm so glad I'm not in a controlling relationship where my partner thinks he can ringfence who I socialise with and how.

Show quote history

Exactly. I had a standing cinema date with a male colleague in a former job to watch gloomy French arthouse stuff just after work . I managed not to shag him in the back row of the cinema ever.

Mn has a weird bee in its bonnet about opposite-sex friendships, anyway, and I’ve more than once seen it declared ‘The cinema is date territory’. Which I think is hilarious and also a bit sad. No wonder half of Mn is so lonely.

wrongthinker · 18/10/2025 09:20

I think some people on MN are too concerned with being cool rather than protecting their marriages.

Yes, in some contexts, cinema with an opposite sex friend is no big deal, no one cares, no one is threatened. No problem.

But in other contexts, it can of course be a threat to the marriage. If your husband or wife is putting effort into a relationship outside the marriage when the marriage isn't good, or it is taking away from something within the marriage (such as time with kids, time shared with partner, energy or emotional effort), then it's a problem. People need to be vigilant about their relationships and make sure that they are not bringing in other people who could potentially destabilise things. There needs to be openness and honesty from both sides in order to protect the relationship.

There's no point coming onto these threads and saying someone in the latter situation should think of themselves as in the former situation. It isn't helpful and all it does is make you sound like you're trying a bit too hard to be cool.

SomeConstellation · 18/10/2025 09:28

wrongthinker · 18/10/2025 09:20

I think some people on MN are too concerned with being cool rather than protecting their marriages.

Yes, in some contexts, cinema with an opposite sex friend is no big deal, no one cares, no one is threatened. No problem.

But in other contexts, it can of course be a threat to the marriage. If your husband or wife is putting effort into a relationship outside the marriage when the marriage isn't good, or it is taking away from something within the marriage (such as time with kids, time shared with partner, energy or emotional effort), then it's a problem. People need to be vigilant about their relationships and make sure that they are not bringing in other people who could potentially destabilise things. There needs to be openness and honesty from both sides in order to protect the relationship.

There's no point coming onto these threads and saying someone in the latter situation should think of themselves as in the former situation. It isn't helpful and all it does is make you sound like you're trying a bit too hard to be cool.

Oh bless. If your marriage can’t survive spending a couple of hours watching Agnès Varda films every couple of weeks with someone whose genitals could technically fit into yours, do you really think it’s worth ‘protecting’?

All this ‘protecting’ nonsense is based on the deeply Mn idea that opposite-sex friendships are singular, rare and anomalous, and that all one’s finite mental resources must be dedicated to one’s partner or spouse. Just have friends. Have multiple good, opposite-sex friends. They are just people, too. You’ll soon get the hang of not sleeping with them, or even aching with suppressed erotic attraction in the cinema. And good friendships, regardless of the sex of the friends, feed a marriage.

oviraptor21 · 18/10/2025 09:31

It's fine to go out occasionally with colleague in the circumstances you describe.
It's not OK to not go out with you. What are you both doing about that?

Littletinytarzanswingingfromanosehair · 18/10/2025 09:41

Considering it's not the 1980/90's and there is jack all to watch at the cinema and you can just watch netflix.
Cinemas were often places to go as a date.
Ask for receipts.
OP you are not being unreasonable.
If DH said "oh I'm just going round * to watch TV with her is that ok?" How would you feel.