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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I wrong to be bothered by DH going to cinema with female colleague

237 replies

Anon1234567891 · 16/10/2025 20:19

Just that really. DH has been to the cinema a few times with a female colleague as she doesn’t have anyone else to go with that likes this type of film, including her own DH. I don’t believe they are having an affair, physically anyway, as this is the only time they go out alone and it’s only a few times a year. So am I wrong to be jealous / annoyed? It’s complicated because things haven’t been great the last few years and because of various things I have probably been quite withdrawn from him so probably couldn’t blame him and he doesn’t have much of a social life so not surprised he wants to go out. Just feels like he is more happy to go out with her than he is to make the effort to go out with me.

OP posts:
NormasArse · 29/10/2025 05:16

middleagebumpyroad · 21/10/2025 22:51

I hate these kinds of smug and patronising posts from members of the cool wives club.

You are refusing to acknowledge what the op is saying in that their marriage isn’t in a good place and he makes more effort with the work colleague? Would you be happy with that too? What next? Sleepovers?

Show quote history

I was actually replying to the poster who said there was something intimate about being in the dark with someone of the opposite sex (at the cinema). I was pointing out that it is possible for some members of the opposite sex to be together in a public place without shagging. It is unhelpful to get hysterical on the OP’s behalf.

The ‘cool wives club’ is an immature trope.

ChersHandbag · 29/10/2025 06:39

Don’t you think the difference between the two types of commenter is just probably age? When I was in my 20s I thought it was cool to have lots of male friends and that my boyfriend would be outrageous and controlling to object. Now I’m in my 40s and know a bit more about things/the stakes are different I’m not at all into it.

SomeConstellation · 29/10/2025 07:00

ChersHandbag · 29/10/2025 06:39

Don’t you think the difference between the two types of commenter is just probably age? When I was in my 20s I thought it was cool to have lots of male friends and that my boyfriend would be outrageous and controlling to object. Now I’m in my 40s and know a bit more about things/the stakes are different I’m not at all into it.

I’m 53, and am one of the commenters saying I’ve been going to see films with male friends for decades without sitting in the dark inflaming anyone’s passions.

ChersHandbag · 29/10/2025 07:08

Oh 🤣

ok, fair play

APTPT · 29/10/2025 07:41

ChersHandbag · 29/10/2025 06:39

Don’t you think the difference between the two types of commenter is just probably age? When I was in my 20s I thought it was cool to have lots of male friends and that my boyfriend would be outrageous and controlling to object. Now I’m in my 40s and know a bit more about things/the stakes are different I’m not at all into it.

I think there is a kind of naivety that is nothing to do with age.Then there is the sheer malicious delight of kicking a fellow woman which is for all ages.

But yes, when I was in my late teens and 20s, I valued my male friends from university and enjoyed all sorts of trips and nights out with them, and was mystified and horrified as every single one of them to a man tried it on with me at some point.

secretrocker · 29/10/2025 08:41

ChersHandbag · 29/10/2025 06:39

Don’t you think the difference between the two types of commenter is just probably age? When I was in my 20s I thought it was cool to have lots of male friends and that my boyfriend would be outrageous and controlling to object. Now I’m in my 40s and know a bit more about things/the stakes are different I’m not at all into it.

I'm kind of the opposite.
When I was in my 20s I was insanely jealous if boyfriends had female friends. I didn't trust them at all.
Now I'm in my 50s I am more relaxed. DH has plenty of female friends, and I don't think he's shagging them all.

ChersHandbag · 29/10/2025 09:17

APTPT · 29/10/2025 07:41

I think there is a kind of naivety that is nothing to do with age.Then there is the sheer malicious delight of kicking a fellow woman which is for all ages.

But yes, when I was in my late teens and 20s, I valued my male friends from university and enjoyed all sorts of trips and nights out with them, and was mystified and horrified as every single one of them to a man tried it on with me at some point.

Edited
Show quote history

Same, APTPT. I just didn’t realise they fancied me at all. I was very naive/divergent. Perhaps there are just some of us who need to keep things more clearly defined than others, and there is no right or wrong. Perhaps those with a more confident social sense find it easier to maintain and make others maintain boundaries.

And that is why maybe it’s so hard for OP to work this one out and to get advice from us. Maybe it wholly depends on how her husband and this woman work these aspects of life and friendship

BarbarasRhabarberba · 29/10/2025 09:19

ChersHandbag · 29/10/2025 09:17

Same, APTPT. I just didn’t realise they fancied me at all. I was very naive/divergent. Perhaps there are just some of us who need to keep things more clearly defined than others, and there is no right or wrong. Perhaps those with a more confident social sense find it easier to maintain and make others maintain boundaries.

And that is why maybe it’s so hard for OP to work this one out and to get advice from us. Maybe it wholly depends on how her husband and this woman work these aspects of life and friendship

Edited
Show quote history

I’ve had male friends all my life and TO A MAN, not a single one has ever tried it on with me because we’re friends. This includes ones I’ve been on holiday with. I’m close to my 40s and my stance has not changed at all.

thepariscrimefiles · 29/10/2025 09:31

Anon1234567891 · 28/10/2025 00:25

@Milosc it was viagra he bought. He only told me when I pointed out the online pharmacy purchase on the credit card. Even when I asked to see the statements he didn’t admit it, it was only when I pointed it out. But he said he was embarrassed so I guess that is understandable, but I don’t know why he couldn’t tell me, I would understand. Although I don’t think it was a problem in that area as such, I think it was to last longer. He said I had taken the piss out of him when he had taken it before, which I think is totally untrue, I am not that sort of person and especially not about that. So that annoyed me as I felt he was trying to deflect it onto me being the problem.

He is lying. He bought viagra for sex with other women, probably this colleague, and not you.

He lied about you taking the piss out of him when he took it before. He got a new credit card and concealed it from you and bought viagra using this new card. There is nothing trustworthy about him. You are thinking the worst of him and you are probably right.

LucyLoo1972 · 03/01/2026 23:52

jjeoreo · 17/10/2025 13:35

Interesting. I think the newness of it is maybe what I would be uncomfortable with. Like - tonight my husband is going for dinner, a sauna and some live music with a mutual female friend of ours. We've known her since we were 18! I have no concerns at all with that, wouldn't even cross my mind to be suspicious. However. If he had met someone at work and they were going to do something cultural together I think I'd be a bit put out, although would trust him and be happy for him to go anyway.

Yikes - that feels a lot!

Redruby2020 · 04/01/2026 00:49

CarlaLemarchant · 16/10/2025 20:26

Look, you know what’s comfortable for you and in many cases I wouldn’t be ok with a Mumsnet DH going out with another woman but they appear to share a niche interest that they indulge in a few times a year. I’d worry if he mentions her excessively or messages a lot or is secretive but otherwise I’d probably be ok with it.
My DH likes some of the same bands as one of my friends. I’ve been happy for them to go to the occasional gig together as it’s not music I like.

Yes but then OP can not get her DH to go out and do stuff with her.

Alwaysalert · 22/01/2026 20:19

middleagebumpyroad · 21/10/2025 22:51

I hate these kinds of smug and patronising posts from members of the cool wives club.

You are refusing to acknowledge what the op is saying in that their marriage isn’t in a good place and he makes more effort with the work colleague? Would you be happy with that too? What next? Sleepovers?

Show quote history

Exactly this and poster forgot to mention when she is in a cinema full of people with her male friend - it is in the dark so if any friends of opposite sex did end up as more than friends well they have the perfect place to meet. If OP is not happy and may have a feeling in her gut that something is not ok then she should trust that gut

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