Am I wrong to be bothered by DH going to cinema with female colleague

[Anon1234567891]

Just that really. DH has been to the cinema a few times with a female colleague as she doesn’t have anyone else to go with that likes this type of film, including her own DH. I don’t believe they are having an affair, physically anyway, as this is the only time they go out alone and it’s only a few times a year. So am I wrong to be jealous / annoyed? It’s complicated because things haven’t been great the last few years and because of various things I have probably been quite withdrawn from him so probably couldn’t blame him and he doesn’t have much of a social life so not surprised he wants to go out. Just feels like he is more happy to go out with her than he is to make the effort to go out with me.

OP, why are you still married? It doesn't sound like you even like each other let alone love each other. He sounds rather controlling and you seem afraid of him. That is no way to live. Couples who care about each other communicate. They listen to each other and come to a compromise. They don't shut each other down and expect things to be brushed under the rug.

Your DH's behavior is just not acceptable. You can have loads of women preaching how they trust their husbands and that you are wrong. Well good for them, they aren't you. Only you know your DH and your gut feeling is telling you something is wrong. I would trust that feeling and tell him you need to see the credit card statements. If he is using joint money you have the right to know. I do my family finances and if either my DH or I got a secret credit card it would cause a massive falling out. The secrecy is very worrying as is the shutting it down without a conversation.

In that case he’s going to put up massive resistance of scare tactics don’t work, stay calm but insist that financial transparency in marriage is absolutely normal and you should be a team working together.
Just don’t rise to it, or apologise or, or let him guilt you (how could you think that I’d ever..?? Etc) or let him off the hook. Ask him, if it’s all ok and above board, why he can’t or won’t show you. You have a right to that information and it’s not controlling, you’re asking to see it, not dictate how he spends it.

Just a little update if anyone is interested.

I found the card hidden in his wallet away from his usual cards behind his driving license and I found a voucher for an online pharmacy. I haven’t posted as we had family stuff going on and in case he saw this.

I asked him about the card today and to see his statements, he was angry about me asking but showed me anyway. There was something medical on there but he had still lied about it until I pointed it out. He said he was embarrassed that’s why he didn’t tell me. I still don’t feel that’s an excuse for getting angry and hiding it if it’s innocent. There wasn’t anything else suspicious. I explained that if he’s hiding something innocent it’s just going to make me think it’s something worse and I think he got that.

I said I felt jealous about the cinema as I was feeling neglected and understood he probably feels the same. We both agreed that we both need to make an effort and bring things up at the time rather than let them stew, which I am guilty of. We shall see what happens as I feel we have had similar conversations before.

I still feel some of his reactions, getting angry and shutting me down when trying to talk aren’t great. I guess you never truly know if someone is telling the truth especially with all the online stuff.

so I guess I was right that he wasn’t being completely honest but wrong about what it was. But it has proved he has lied to my face, so he is capable of it.

We shall try and move on now it’s all out and see what happens from here. Thanks for all the advice.

I’m guessing Viagra. Very plausible that he was embarrassed, but my husband used an online pharmacy to buy viagra and was secretive with finances in his affair.
Depends on your sex life to be honest. If it improved after the online pharmacy order then maybe it’s ok.
I thought he’d topped it up a few times though? Is the order regular? There would be emails confirming orders and delivery dates. He might have an email address you know nothing about. It’s horrible, but plausible deniability gets worn out by people cheating and you swing from relieved to suspicious all the time.

The other stuff on the card was regular shopping. He said he uses it for “staying power” as when we do it it can take a while to get me in the mood and age issues. He has used it before. His email goes to his phone so I don’t see it.

Perfectly ok within the context of your relationship. It’s just extremely difficult when he’s being secretive about other stuff and taking an interest in somebody else instead of you.

Seems harmless enough, chill out

I guess I am most upset that when there’s something he doesn’t want to talk about he gets angry and shuts me down and also turns things around onto me. Is this normal, I assume not. That’s why I don’t like bringing things up.

No it's not normal. Your whole relationship is not normal, he's trained you to not question him, and to prioritise his wants over your needs. Outside of the house he's free to live his life as a single man, and it feels like it's pretty much the same inside the house. Except when it suits him.
He will never admit it to you, the talks and discussions are a waste of time because he will fob you off or shut you down. Unless you do something to change your life, it will never change.

You deserve better, OP.

What would happen if you invited yourself along OP?

This would not be acceptable in my marriage

@APTPT I do wonder why I stay, I think it’s fear of going through the breakup process, particularly with what he’s like just discussing something. And money too as I’m on a low wage and would have to go through the whole process before I could afford to move out. He just doesn’t seem to see what he is like or doesn’t care.

He is abusive and controlling Also he is having an affair (or more than one). Could be emotional heading towards physical or has progressed to physical. He went to a pharmacy so get yourself tested for STI plus Herpes (blood test).

OP ALWAYS go with him to the cinema. Accompany him on every social occasion, even if he says it is his men friends only.

Maybe she should jist handcuff herself to him, @Wrenjay? And every time he sits down, she could climb into his lap in case someone else tries to.

Did he tell you what the medical issue was? If not than he still isn't being honest. The fact you can't talk to each other about things like this is not good. He sounds controlling and abusive shutting you down all the time. You deserve better.

@Milosc it was viagra he bought. He only told me when I pointed out the online pharmacy purchase on the credit card. Even when I asked to see the statements he didn’t admit it, it was only when I pointed it out. But he said he was embarrassed so I guess that is understandable, but I don’t know why he couldn’t tell me, I would understand. Although I don’t think it was a problem in that area as such, I think it was to last longer. He said I had taken the piss out of him when he had taken it before, which I think is totally untrue, I am not that sort of person and especially not about that. So that annoyed me as I felt he was trying to deflect it onto me being the problem.

I don't know OP, it seems quite suspect. He is getting Viagra and blaming you for not telling you. Who was he going to use it with? It is just hostile all around. This is not a healthy dynamic at all. I think you should really take some time and think if this is really who you want to spend the rest of your life with. It seems pretty miserable.

For what it's worth I don't think it is normal to become housemates and have this type of relationship. I have been with my DH 27 years, married for 25. I absolutely adore him and he is my best friend and life partner. This is what you deserve OP, not some gaslighting sulky man baby who doesn't care about your feelings. Every relationship has problems but the testament of a good relationship is your ability to work through those problems together.

It my be time to do what is best for you in the long run. Your DC will appreciate having a happy mother.

I know how throat-closingly oppressive and terrifying such a step as leaving is when you are feeling trapped like this, but you only get one life, OP.

You no doubt would be horrified if you saw your own child in a marriage where their husband had left them so tongue-tied and reluctant to confront him about truly aberrant behaviour like going out openly with another woman, opening a secret credit card, secretly buying Viagra (how damning that sounds taken together. And usually, 2 + 2 will in fact equal 4)-- and then he reacts offensively when you do dare raise your head above the parapet.

It's not normal, OP. You sound like a very good, decent, understanding, tolerant person who does indeed deserve a lot better.

That would be abuse on her part.
He's her husband not her possession.

I think the variety of views on this issue highlights that the woman he’s going to the cinema wifh will take it in one of two very different ways: either she’ll just think it’s unquestionably normal and platonic, or she’ll read it as a romantic move towards her.

He doesn't have to tell you anything to do with his body or anything else unless it affects you - being married doesn't mean you have to share everything.
Why does he have to shut you down - do you discuss or do you tell him how it is.
There's always 2 sides to a story and we only have yours.
Considering you're telling everyone on this site that your husband needs viagra I can understand him not telling you. Who else would you tell - mum? Best mate?
Mumsnet is always the same ' woman = victim - man = abuser so I'd take the more radical ltb comments with a pinch of salt.

This is an anonymous forum where hopefully people feel safe enough to share things that they absolutely can’t or wouldn’t dream of sharing with their mum or even their best mate. Getting a wide range of anonymous opinions and hopefully getting support with difficult issues you’d rather keep private amongst family, colleagues and peers is kind of the point of Mumsnet. OP can hardly be judged as untrustworthy because she’s told us, a bunch of anonymous randoms, he’s bought Viagra.
Anything to do with your body as regards your sexual health and activity is an issue that actually does impact your partner. If you’re a man spending time with another woman, you’re hardly going to look innocent if you get yourself a secret credit card, load it with cash and spend it on a medication to improve your sexual performance. Even if it’s all above board, and it might well be, you’d have to be pretty stupid not to realise that secrets like this aren’t going to be well received when you get found out. OP’s reaction should be met with reassurance from him, not defensiveness, anger and stonewalling.
I agree that Mumsnet can have a blinkered approach to accountability between men and women, but the forums and membership are largely women, so it’s bound to happen. It can make it hard to have balance and objectivity in discussions, but as long as you realise the nature of your audience when you post, and allow for bias, (that’s the pinch of salt you need to take when you’re on here) there’s still a ton of good stuff on Mumsnet.

I wouldn't like it but I am in a similar situation.
DH has a female friend he does things like this with.
Our marriage isn't fantastic either.
To be fair, he does ask me out, and I do go sometimes, but if I don't he often goes with her, which I don't like.