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Original poster

Am I wrong to be bothered by DH going to cinema with female colleague

237 replies

Anon1234567891 · 16/10/2025 20:19

Just that really. DH has been to the cinema a few times with a female colleague as she doesn’t have anyone else to go with that likes this type of film, including her own DH. I don’t believe they are having an affair, physically anyway, as this is the only time they go out alone and it’s only a few times a year. So am I wrong to be jealous / annoyed? It’s complicated because things haven’t been great the last few years and because of various things I have probably been quite withdrawn from him so probably couldn’t blame him and he doesn’t have much of a social life so not surprised he wants to go out. Just feels like he is more happy to go out with her than he is to make the effort to go out with me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anon1234567891 · 19/10/2025 21:24

CrazyGoatLady · 19/10/2025 16:18

Well yes...this is true. But in your OP you say they go to the cinema a few times a year, so you must be going out together even less. Do you go out as a couple ever? Have shared interests? Go out with mutual friends?

Show quote history

We go out as a family and occasionally as a group but rarely just the two of us together. We don’t even watch TV together much. I think because when the DC were little we didn’t have much help with child care so got into a rut of not going out but now they’re older so don’t need childcare.

We have had a conversation about doing more together but we have had those conversations in the past so we shall see.

OP posts:
APTPT · 19/10/2025 21:25

Hahaha not a fucking chance

Original poster
Anon1234567891 · 19/10/2025 21:33

APTPT · 19/10/2025 21:25

Hahaha not a fucking chance

Not a chance of what?

OP posts:
Original poster
Anon1234567891 · 19/10/2025 21:37

We did actually go out together in September but prior to that I can only think of one or two occasions we went out just the two of us the rest of the year.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anon1234567891 · 21/10/2025 01:56

I don’t know why I am struggling with this so much. In my logical head I know there is nothing going on in terms of an affair but I still feel like there’s more going on in terms of chat and banter than most of the people I know have with work colleagues of the opposite sex. I guess it’s just bringing out all my insecurities, and triggering all the times where I have felt he prioritises other people over me. Like he is quick enough to help her out and others but when I want help with something he will sometimes moan about it. I suppose I feel like he will prioritise her, like with the going out, but I don’t feel like he prioritises or supports me when I have stuff going on, which I suppose is the problem.

I also remembered that he met her years ago at a different company, then when he moved jobs he got her a job at his new place because she was a good worker.

Also spoke to a friend about it and they thought it was inappropriate. And when me and DH had a chat about it, he said he asked her what her husband thought about it and she said he made a sarcastic comment.

OP posts:
Glitchymn1 · 21/10/2025 02:46

I’ve done it, DH hates the cinema and I didn’t want to on my own. Had a few male friends over the years.
Why don’t you go with him? It’s only two hours?

middleagebumpyroad · 21/10/2025 06:10

@Anon1234567891 your post is about so much more that your husband going to the cinema with a female colleague. What is upsetting you is the emotional intimacy they share, they seem to have a strong bond already so do not be surprised if an emotional affair is not already underway: His closeness with her should be how he is with you. I would be besides myself if this was my partner. My partner does everything around us. Also I have the experience of my husband having a work colleague being a friend. Turns out she was his ap for the whole of my marriage. That was 10 years of marriage and at least 3 years out of the 5 before marriage. They are still together now in a weird form. I left him as he loved the look of being a family man. That woman even babysat my youngest when my ExH took me out for my 30th. Looking back I was such a fool. Young and really niaeve and penning finally dropped when I had my second baby, felt like shit and they were sitting closely next to each other on the sofa, so close, sharing inside jokes while I, the wife, was on the outside.

AutumnCosy2025 · 21/10/2025 06:25

Wherethewildthings · 16/10/2025 20:20

Yes, yabu. This is the height of controlling.

No it's not.

to want your DH to spend time & effort on. You/your marriage is perfectly normal.

@Anon1234567891 if things were good with you & DH but ttey liked alien movies & You & her DH don't then it.probably wouldn't bother you. But when things aren't giid it's totally understandable that it does.

i wouldn't say anything at the moment. But I'd plan some fun things for the two of you & see his enthusiastic he is about that.

APTPT · 21/10/2025 06:44

Not a chance is it innocent to go on dates wjth another woman when you are married
Not a chance would this not break my heart.
Not a chance would I stand by while he did this.

I'm sorry. I think you have been somewhat gaslight by some posters on here as well as by your husband.

It's OK to feel unhappy about this- understatement

middleagebumpyroad · 21/10/2025 07:16

APTPT · 21/10/2025 06:44

Not a chance is it innocent to go on dates wjth another woman when you are married
Not a chance would this not break my heart.
Not a chance would I stand by while he did this.

I'm sorry. I think you have been somewhat gaslight by some posters on here as well as by your husband.

It's OK to feel unhappy about this- understatement

I agree with this. Some of the posters have been complicit in the gaslighting of the op. The husband is def gaslighting her too. @Anon1234567891 you feel so confused as you see something in front of you that you know in your gut isn’t right but your husband is minimising it and making out your feelings are the problem. He needs to be accountable, you feel like this as a consequence of his actions and not the other way around. You feel neglected and marginalised because that’s exactly how he’s treating you.

ozarina · 21/10/2025 16:01

You are entitled to have your own feelings about this. There are many women who would feel the same.

Original poster
Anon1234567891 · 21/10/2025 16:26

Also when we did talk about it as he could see I wasn’t happy about it I did ask him if I could read his messages if I wanted to. I don’t know if I should have put it like that of asking if I could or if I shouldn’t have asked at all. He said something along the lines of he didn’t think there was anything inappropriate but didn’t like the fact I had asked. He didn’t offer to show me his phone and I didn’t actually ask to see it. Later he said he had been through his messages to check and there wasn’t anything inappropriate but still didn’t show me. And of course if I did ask to see it he would have deleted anything he didn’t want me to see by now.

What would you make of that?

OP posts:
DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 21/10/2025 18:50

If it was all straightforward and above board and he was treating you well and spending time with you, then you wouldn't be feeling the way you do now.

The whole secrecy about his phone? I can't help feeling if he sees that you are upset he would be putting more work into reassuring you, instead of making you feel like you are prying.

This really reminds me of a recent thread where the DH had a female hobby friend and wanted to continue the hobby, and the friend, even though it became apparent that it was at best, an emotional affair.

He's married to you. Not her. He should be taking you out to the cinema, texting you and wanting to spend time with you...

And he knows that. Whether he claims there's nothing in appropriate on his phone or not.

middleagebumpyroad · 21/10/2025 21:33

@Anon1234567891 he’s done nothing to reassure you. He’s done the complete opposite by going to “review” his messages. And he’s gaslighting you by making you feel you are prying. You’ve come away feeling even more confused.
He’s not showing you kindness and respect and if I was you I wouldn’t ask him again but I would be looking for other signs.

middleagebumpyroad · 21/10/2025 21:36

Also when you went out a few months, did you enjoy yourself, were you both relaxed …, did you say or think you must do it again soon? Was it fun or did it feel like a struggle? Did he compliment you at all? Sorry for all the questions, you don’t have to answer but you can ask answer to yourself.

MsSmartShoes · 21/10/2025 21:38

YANBU - I wouldn’t tolerate this.

Calliopespa · 21/10/2025 21:39

Fargo79 · 16/10/2025 20:29

Such a silly comment. She hasn't "controlled" anything. She is describing her feelings to strangers on an anonymous forum.

Show quote history

You will always get the "cool wives" coming out on these threads who say it's ridiculous not to treat friendships as genderless.

I'd feel it possibly does border on controlling to say no you can't go, but if it's becoming a routine for them, I see nothing wrong at all with asking to join in. You will have to sit through some boring movies (😶) but will soon flush out if they seem less keen about going with a chaperone.

HRchatter · 21/10/2025 21:44

My ex-husband used to do this. I didn’t know about it because obviously I would’ve gone fucking mental how I found out.
He wasn’t shagging that one, but that was only because she wasn’t willing to let him shag her. He would’ve if he could’ve.
Men do not do nice things for women unless they will think that there’s a chance of getting their leg over

Calliopespa · 21/10/2025 21:44

Anon1234567891 · 21/10/2025 16:26

Also when we did talk about it as he could see I wasn’t happy about it I did ask him if I could read his messages if I wanted to. I don’t know if I should have put it like that of asking if I could or if I shouldn’t have asked at all. He said something along the lines of he didn’t think there was anything inappropriate but didn’t like the fact I had asked. He didn’t offer to show me his phone and I didn’t actually ask to see it. Later he said he had been through his messages to check and there wasn’t anything inappropriate but still didn’t show me. And of course if I did ask to see it he would have deleted anything he didn’t want me to see by now.

What would you make of that?

I'd think it was odd he actually felt the need to look through them to check there was nothing inappropriate. Would you feel the need to do that double-checking with a thread with messages from your mum for instance?

Just ask to go along.

Quitelikeit · 21/10/2025 21:50

I find some of these responses ridiculous

I am not possessive but there’s no way this would be acceptable in my relationship?!

My husband is simply not interested in women for friendship- he likes hanging around with other males!

He would only ever go out with a women if he had a special interest in her 😆

indoorplantqueen · 21/10/2025 22:32

I wouldn’t mind if my dh wanted to go to the cinema with a female who loved marvel/ Star Wars films. I trust my Dh completely though.

Original poster
Anon1234567891 · 21/10/2025 22:34

Calliopespa · 21/10/2025 21:44

I'd think it was odd he actually felt the need to look through them to check there was nothing inappropriate. Would you feel the need to do that double-checking with a thread with messages from your mum for instance?

Just ask to go along.

Edited
Show quote history

Well yes this is what I thought, especially the more I thought about it. Why didn’t he just say have a look then and need to check them if nothing to worry about.

He has said I can come if I want to but he knows I don’t like scary films but maybe I will have to next time.

OP posts:
NormasArse · 21/10/2025 22:37

AgentPidge · 16/10/2025 20:39

I wouldn't like it. There's something intimate about watching a film in the darkness of a cinema.

Edited

Absolute bollocks.

I go to the cinema about once a month with an ex colleague, and my husband is mature enough to know that it’s because we enjoy a catch up, and like the same films.

There’s nothing ‘intimate’ about it in the slightest- we’re watching a film in a cinema full of people!

We even go for something to eat and a drink beforehand - the horror! 🙄

abracadabra1980 · 21/10/2025 22:41

I only read your heading OP and I want to scream. Of COURSE it’s not OK. Red, red, flags abound …

middleagebumpyroad · 21/10/2025 22:51

NormasArse · 21/10/2025 22:37

Absolute bollocks.

I go to the cinema about once a month with an ex colleague, and my husband is mature enough to know that it’s because we enjoy a catch up, and like the same films.

There’s nothing ‘intimate’ about it in the slightest- we’re watching a film in a cinema full of people!

We even go for something to eat and a drink beforehand - the horror! 🙄

Show quote history

I hate these kinds of smug and patronising posts from members of the cool wives club.

You are refusing to acknowledge what the op is saying in that their marriage isn’t in a good place and he makes more effort with the work colleague? Would you be happy with that too? What next? Sleepovers?