Page 4 | Am I wrong to be bothered by DH going to cinema with female colleague

Anon1234567891 · 2025-10-16T19:19:21+00:00

Just that really. DH has been to the cinema a few times with a female colleague as she doesn’t have anyone else to go with that likes this type of film, including her own DH. I don’t believe they are having an affair, physically anyway, as this is the only time they go out alone and it’s only a few times a year. So am I wrong to be jealous / annoyed? It’s complicated because things haven’t been great the last few years and because of various things I have probably been quite withdrawn from him so probably couldn’t blame him and he doesn’t have much of a social life so not surprised he wants to go out. Just feels like he is more happy to go out with her than he is to make the effort to go out with me.

Littletinytarzanswingingfromanosehair · 18/10/2025 09:46

And to back my response, I have a best mate who is male and I often meet him in the local for a pint but even my DH would twitch at cinema.

wrongthinker · 18/10/2025 09:48

SomeConstellation · 18/10/2025 09:28

Oh bless. If your marriage can’t survive spending a couple of hours watching Agnès Varda films every couple of weeks with someone whose genitals could technically fit into yours, do you really think it’s worth ‘protecting’?

All this ‘protecting’ nonsense is based on the deeply Mn idea that opposite-sex friendships are singular, rare and anomalous, and that all one’s finite mental resources must be dedicated to one’s partner or spouse. Just have friends. Have multiple good, opposite-sex friends. They are just people, too. You’ll soon get the hang of not sleeping with them, or even aching with suppressed erotic attraction in the cinema. And good friendships, regardless of the sex of the friends, feed a marriage.

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Don't patronise me, please. As I said quite clearly, in some contexts, opposite sex friendships are completely fine. But in other contexts (such as in the OP's case) they can potentially be a threat to the marriage. It is very much down to whether the relationship takes something away from the marriage or not. Many friendships are enriching and supporting to a couple's life in general. Some are not. You are supposed to be each other's highest priority in a marriage - if a friend (of either sex) takes higher priority than your spouse, it is a problem.

It doesn't mean you can't have opposite sex friends. Obviously. Not really sure why that is hard to understand.

BarbarasRhabarberba · 18/10/2025 09:54

Ladamesansmerci · 16/10/2025 20:35

I wouldn't care, but I'm a lesbian, so my perspective is skewed 🤷 It would be ridiculous of me to expect my wife to never hang out with other women, and we have a lot of gay friends.

It boils down to how much you trust your partner I guess. If it's a few times a year, then I highly doubt it's anything dodgy. It just sounds like they have a shared interest. I think men and women can just be friends. And the cinema doesn't have to be date life. Friends go together too.

This is the only sensible response so far. Of course it’s fine. I’m bi, but currently dating a man, and honestly I think straight people are absolutely nuts with some of the ideas that come up on here like going for a meal or drinks or the cinema being unequivocally a “date”. No, a date is when both parties actively want it to be a date. Those activities anre absolutely normal, everyday things for friends to do, and men and women can be friends. Yes, they probably have an emotional attachment - which is again completely normal! If you like someone’s company, care about their wellbeing and enjoy sharing an interest, that is an attachment, which I hope most people have with their friends tbh. Incidentally my male partner is also bi. Should we just lock ourselves away and never hang out with anyone except each other?

BarbarasRhabarberba · 18/10/2025 10:00

Fargo79 · 16/10/2025 20:57

I think the fact he knows you're uncomfortable - which is very normal and understandable - and he's still planning to go is hugely problematic. It's adding insult to injury.

It sounds like, cinema aside, this isn't currently a very happy relationship. I think you both need a serious discussion about how to move forward and what your goals are for your marriage.

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It isn’t. If my partner started dictating who I could hang out with and what I was allowed to do with them I’d tell him to fuck off. Even if the friend was someone I met yesterday, it’s the principle. I would break up with someone before I allowed them to impose rules on how I conduct my social (or any other element of my) life

Saladcreamsandwich · 18/10/2025 10:00

OP my husband did exactly this. Woman was old friend and work colleague. Mentioned to me as completely normal - mutual interest, just a cinema trip, no big deal, he married, she married, good friends. I was ok about it despite little tug of doubt.
turns out it was an affair and this was their first date. I found out two years later when she finally dumped him.----

Notmycircusnotmyotter · 18/10/2025 10:04

I was in two minds about this because I don't like the cinema anyway so haven't really thought about it. Ran it past DP and his comment was "that's really weird, I would never do that, I think she needs to open her eyes a little bit"

AbsentosaurusRex · 18/10/2025 10:05

YANBU. It’s inappropriate and he knows it.

middleagebumpyroad · 18/10/2025 10:05

Moresparecashplease · 18/10/2025 08:13

I think the fact when she split up from her H , albeit temporarily, it was your H that helped her move out of her home would very much concern me OP.

If he is the one she automatically expected help from in those circumstances would indicate they are pretty close and emotionally involved.

It certainly makes her much more than just a " work colleague " he goes to the cinema with.

Edited

Yes it’s the helping her move out coupled with the cinema. It’s not good.

BarbarasRhabarberba · 18/10/2025 10:06

ooohreallly · 17/10/2025 07:05

I don’t understand comments like this.
Surely if the husband is ‘straight’ then when doing stuff with another male no feelings or boundaries can be crossed, however, if the husband is heterosexual and is attracted to females then feelings and boundaries can be crossed.
The statement is nonsense.

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I’m assuming you’re a straight woman. Are you attracted to every single man you’ve ever seen or hung out with? Do you avoid spending time with any male person because you wouldn’t be able to stop yourself wanting to shag them? No? So why would someone being the opposite sex automatically mean OP’s husband might “cross a boundary”? People are more than their genitalia and theoretical potential for sex.

DEAROP · 18/10/2025 10:09

ooohreallly · 17/10/2025 07:05

I don’t understand comments like this.
Surely if the husband is ‘straight’ then when doing stuff with another male no feelings or boundaries can be crossed, however, if the husband is heterosexual and is attracted to females then feelings and boundaries can be crossed.
The statement is nonsense.

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So how would this work in same sex relationships?

DEAROP · 18/10/2025 10:10

middleagebumpyroad · 18/10/2025 10:05

Yes it’s the helping her move out coupled with the cinema. It’s not good.

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You know friends help each other move, right?

DEAROP · 18/10/2025 10:12

Littletinytarzanswingingfromanosehair · 18/10/2025 09:46

And to back my response, I have a best mate who is male and I often meet him in the local for a pint but even my DH would twitch at cinema.

So sat over a table one on one, gazing at each other with alcohol in the mix is fine, but watching a film where intimate talk between the two of you would be frowned upon by the crowd would not? That makes no sense.

BarilynBordeaux · 18/10/2025 10:16

I’d be fine with it because I also have friends I do things with. your marriage being in a bad place is a different issue to be resolved.

Tireddadplus · 18/10/2025 10:25

I wouldn’t go to the cinema with a female colleague. No point in kicking off rumours etc. i would just go on my own…or with DW!

NotbloodyGivingupYet · 18/10/2025 10:30

SomeConstellation · 18/10/2025 09:28

Oh bless. If your marriage can’t survive spending a couple of hours watching Agnès Varda films every couple of weeks with someone whose genitals could technically fit into yours, do you really think it’s worth ‘protecting’?

All this ‘protecting’ nonsense is based on the deeply Mn idea that opposite-sex friendships are singular, rare and anomalous, and that all one’s finite mental resources must be dedicated to one’s partner or spouse. Just have friends. Have multiple good, opposite-sex friends. They are just people, too. You’ll soon get the hang of not sleeping with them, or even aching with suppressed erotic attraction in the cinema. And good friendships, regardless of the sex of the friends, feed a marriage.

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Well done, you've managed to find a couple of sentences that you can quote to fit your theory on relationships.
Unfortunately you seem to have missed the nuance in the post you quoted from. So I'll paraphrase it.
Some relationships can become fragile, and then nights out with another "friend" can be problematic, or symptomatic. It can be the thin end of the wedge into the crack in the relationship.
In a good strong happy partnership, that doesn't apply.
Which is what @wrongthinker said, but you seem to have missed.
Bless.

Moresparecashplease · 18/10/2025 11:13

DEAROP · 18/10/2025 10:10

You know friends help each other move, right?

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According to the OP this woman is a work colleague he sometimes goes to the cinema with and discusses films with .

That is a very different dynamic from him being the person she actually involves in her marriage break up. She was leaving her H and she must have been relying on OP's H for emotional support in the marriage breakup otherwise she wouldn't have involved him in leaving her H. If she has no one else to go to the cinema with, no one else to help her in the breakup of her marriage then if nothing else OP's H would appear to be in the KISA role.
It's certainly not the dynamic of people who just go to the cinema together as a casual arrangement.

So OP's H spends time at work with this woman, he spends his leisure time with this woman, he helps her in her split from her H. Coupled with the fact OP says that her relationship with her H is distant and he would rather spend time with other people than her then I think she has every reason to be concerned about his relationship with this OW.

DEAROP · 18/10/2025 13:35

Moresparecashplease · 18/10/2025 11:13

According to the OP this woman is a work colleague he sometimes goes to the cinema with and discusses films with .

That is a very different dynamic from him being the person she actually involves in her marriage break up. She was leaving her H and she must have been relying on OP's H for emotional support in the marriage breakup otherwise she wouldn't have involved him in leaving her H. If she has no one else to go to the cinema with, no one else to help her in the breakup of her marriage then if nothing else OP's H would appear to be in the KISA role.
It's certainly not the dynamic of people who just go to the cinema together as a casual arrangement.

So OP's H spends time at work with this woman, he spends his leisure time with this woman, he helps her in her split from her H. Coupled with the fact OP says that her relationship with her H is distant and he would rather spend time with other people than her then I think she has every reason to be concerned about his relationship with this OW.

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Yes friends do this for each other. Sometimes friends meet at work.

Moresparecashplease · 18/10/2025 13:41

DEAROP · 18/10/2025 13:35

Yes friends do this for each other. Sometimes friends meet at work.

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I think you are being extremely disingenuous.

beAsensible1 · 18/10/2025 13:42

I go to the cinema and theatre with a male colleague fairly often as we have similar interests. It’s nothing more than that.

is it something you used to do that you don’t anymore? Or something you are actually interested in?

its nice going with people who actually care so you can have a debrief after. And get in to all the minutiae

I know people on here don’t like mixed sex friendships but I have lots and they’re all fine.

if you guys are going through a patch make an effort to do things together rather than making a fuss with him having friendships. One has nothing to do with the other.

if you actually think he is cheating with this lady that’s different.

SomeConstellation · 18/10/2025 13:55

beAsensible1 · 18/10/2025 13:42

I go to the cinema and theatre with a male colleague fairly often as we have similar interests. It’s nothing more than that.

is it something you used to do that you don’t anymore? Or something you are actually interested in?

its nice going with people who actually care so you can have a debrief after. And get in to all the minutiae

I know people on here don’t like mixed sex friendships but I have lots and they’re all fine.

if you guys are going through a patch make an effort to do things together rather than making a fuss with him having friendships. One has nothing to do with the other.

if you actually think he is cheating with this lady that’s different.

Well, exactly, all of the ‘it endangers your marriage’ and ‘it’s an emotional affair’ stuff on here presupposes some one-off, intense friendship where the person involved has no other opposite-sex friends, and possibly few friends at all. If you have a lot of friends and several opposite sex friendships, there’s nothing anomalous. Those friendships are just normal.

ooohreallly · 18/10/2025 14:09

BarbarasRhabarberba · 18/10/2025 10:06

I’m assuming you’re a straight woman. Are you attracted to every single man you’ve ever seen or hung out with? Do you avoid spending time with any male person because you wouldn’t be able to stop yourself wanting to shag them? No? So why would someone being the opposite sex automatically mean OP’s husband might “cross a boundary”? People are more than their genitalia and theoretical potential for sex.

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You seem to have mistaken ‘can’ for ‘will’.

ooohreallly · 18/10/2025 14:13

DEAROP · 18/10/2025 10:09

So how would this work in same sex relationships?

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Umm, the same? but ‘insert the appropriate’ sex. Also, as above, I said boundaries and feelings ‘can’ be crossed, not ‘will’ be.

Silverbirchleaf · 18/10/2025 14:15

Date territory. Why don’t you suggest you go along with them…. . They may only go to the cinema a few times a year, but I guess they’re interacting at other times.

Also, mist films are released on oay-to-view platforms fairly quickly now (I believe you can now watch Downton). Could she wait and watch it at home, or go by herself.

ThisPithyJoker · 18/10/2025 14:30

I'm genuinely surprised with some of the comments on this thread. Not in a dramatic, shocked or disappointed way - just one of those times where you're surprised how different people's views are to your own.

I have male friends. My partner has female friends. The sex of people we hang out with doesn't really come into it. If there was any hint of flirting it would be different, of course, but friends are friends. If either of us were uncomfortable with a relationship, we'd discuss it. It hasn't ever been the end of a friendship to date (think it's only happened once from memory). I would be really put out if my partner tried to police who I spent time with (unless it was a valid concern around safety or something rather than jealousy).

Of course, he should be putting the same effort into quality time with you - as others have said, this seems like more of a problem to me

mindutopia · 18/10/2025 14:46

It’s a bit weird and clingy. Why can’t she go to the cinema on her own? I go to the cinema on my own all the time. Unless we bring the whole family, someone has to stay home with the dc. I definitely wouldn’t bring my work colleague along to the cinema just because I couldn’t take Dh. It’s just a little odd.