Choosing DH or teenage nearly adult children

[789vghu8]

Been married 20 years with 2 teenage kids. When I met DH he was a breath of fresh air he had his own house, a really good job , was quite intelligent and most important of all and why I fell for him was how good he was at conversation and he was interested in me as a person (and not just a snog or an easy shag) We met in a nightclub!!!

He has been a fantastic husband in the early days but not a great father unfortunately, and because of this I started to resent him many years ago. As time has gone on and the children got older he got better but still couldn't and can't understand why I do so much for them and why now they are still living with us.

It all come to a head today as we went to a uni open day with my DD. He doesn't do family stuff so we have done all other visits on our own but this one was bit further away and I wasn't comfortable driving that far so I asked him for help - (I rarely ask him for any type of help as it just causes stress so I do everything to do with the children on my own) He reluctantly agreed but his answer was if DD wants to go to uni open day she is 17 she goes on her own at 17 why the hell would she want her parents tagging along and he got really angry with me last night as he said that there would be no other parents at the open day even though I assured him there would be as I have done several open days these last few weeks.

So apparently we have all sucked the life out of him since my eldest was born by putting so many demands on him -first it was parents evening , then swimming lessons, then football games, birthday parties all things i expected him to attend but actually after 2 years of asking I didn't expect any type of involvement from him. He says now the children are older I am still running round after them and I need to decide who is the priority - them or him.

He will never collect or pick children up from anywhere, never been to watch my sons football games or ever looked after the children for more than 3 hours.

I have sucked the life out of him with all my expectations.

However he will take my auntie to all her hospital appointments and is very helpful to our neighbours. This is because they are old and infirm and unable to look after themselves. If myself or one of the kids asks for a favour he won't help us out.

He wants me to choose. Kids are 19 and 17 and almost adults but I still want to do stuff with them and I am really close to both of them which he can't understand but as he was very distant when they were little it has always fallen on me to do everything and as a result neither child really has a relationship with him which is what he wants but I can't choose between him and them so I really feel stuck in the middle. Kids will not need me soon but if I don't stop doing things with them I will lose him and I don't know why I am so scared as he has never really been 'there'

I could have written this exact same thing. Probably worse. The kids will always need you - how they need you will change. The happiest years for me have been since my h left because of this. Such a weight has been lifted. I love my children unconditionally- I am still devastated he doesn’t.

Sounds like the kind of man who needed standing up to several years ago.

Any husband telling a mother to ditch her children shouldn’t be seen for dust.

I only say he was a great husband as he is great at everything else - he does all the domestic and house keeping tasks, and all the cooking. He has absolutely no problem cooking a meal for 4 every night often from scratch- although he then eats his outside or in the living room so he doesn't have to talk to us- but if it is just me and him he is so different much less grumpy and relaxed - his words "just the kids being in the house stress him out because they are always talking or wanting something" . He also does all the laundry and puts it all away and loves and is good (far better than me at all at all the domestic household stuff) - but if a child wants to be picked up from a party it is an instant no. If they've decided to go out they need to make their own way home!!

I could never go out when kids were little as he wouldn't look after them and kids wouldn't stay with him anyway but he has no issue with me going out with friends etc now.

We did used to get out a bit without the kids and literally as soon as we were out the front door he would be back to his happy go lucky former self and we would have a great time but the second we walked back in the house and I needed to do something for one of them he would sink back into his grumpy mood. The last time we went out my son phoned as he couldn't find the wifi card code for his mate as he was visiting and DH was so angry at ruining our night and phoning for such a pathetic reason he wanted me to turn my phone off when out together in future and I have refused to go out together since then really.

He sounds a massive entitled fuckwit.
Bet your kids can't wait to leave home.
He won't welcome them back.

See a solicitor, start moving out by stealth. Do you work?

Kids. Everytime. He doesn't like his kids. Get away from him. Before he destroys your relationship with them. The fact you even have to ask shows how you think he is normal behaving like this.

Tell him to listen to the song Cats in the Cradle then throw him the fk out u and ur kids lives. What an absolute dick. Ur kids deserve more. Please don’t stop caring for them they will already know he doesn’t give a fk about them. They are young adults, they need your support and your partner needs a boot up the arse to get his to fk off as far as possible. What an absolute asshole.

I would've noped out long ago. It was a mistake to have children with him but what's done is done and if anything now you have to play the part of two loving parents to make up for it.
It might be pessimistic of me to say but it seems he wants you to rub in your children's faces that he is number one and they are nothing. To feed his ego by ripping theirs apart. Beyond cruel.

What did he mean by choose? Put them in care? Provide food & shelter but that's it? Just pay him more attention and them less. Sorry I just can't quite fathom what the choice would have entailed.

I feel incredibly sad for your children.

He doesn’t deserve to be a father. He sounds like an arrogant, entitled selfish prick.

Why are you even asking who to “choose”?

You put your children and their needs first. Every time.

It is odd that he has never realised how toxic his parents' relationship is. There is something very wrong about a couple being so 'in love' that they neglect their children's needs.

I'm autistic too, but that that kind of relationship sounds utterly childish and dysfunctional to me. There is so much fun and reward in family life as the children get older. He is seriously missing out.

100% the children over the husband.

This is so sad to read on behalf of your kids.
im a single parent , I have adult children and a 13 year old. No man would ever come before my children , I don’t care if his penis is made of gold , he’s rich whatever , your children don’t ask to be born, we must provide them with love and safety and self confidence , imagine having a man who has never made them feel seen / heard / liked enough to even watch them play sports etc.
i do not get why women bring these men into their children’s lives I really don’t.
choose your children and get rid of this useless man

@789vghu8my dh isn’t the father of my first two children (we have one together) and he drops them off at school every day and does half of the club runs. We’re a family and he does things for them every day despite not being biologically related to them and has never once resented anything or moaned or thrown it in my face. Your DH is a terrible father and even at their ages, your Dc will be better off/happier if you leave him. How can you be happy with him if he treats your children like that?

Sorry but you can’t be an excellent husband and a crappy father, the two don’t match up at all…..
An excellent husband does not put everything to do with family life into his wife when I assume he was on board with having children in the first place.
I feel sorry for your children for having such a disinterested parent in their lives, that will have left long lasting effects on them.
He’s asking you to choose, easy decision in my mind, you pick your children always unless being in their lives is detrimental to them/you.
In the future if your children have their own families, your husband will resent every second you spend with them. I don’t know how you’ve stuck it for so long…

He won't eat a meal with his own children, yet he's a great husband because he cooks and cleans up?
Is this for real?
So your children are aware that Dad will cook, but can't even sit with them to eat, he won't help them, won't support them and resents their existence?
Is this for real?

Nothing good you say about this man will make a difference to how hideous he is op.

You are not doing anything unusual. You are being a good parent. There is a point to encourage them to move towards independence but it comes in small steps from a secure base. I think that when people grow up in an extreme way (whatever way that is) they either strive to be completely different or they repeat the experience. He has neglected his children emotionally as much as he was neglected which is sad but his choice. Now you get to choose.

I think if you choose him then all that resentment you mentioned will resurface and there will be huge additional resentment at no longer being able to spend time with your children so you may well end up completely isolated with someone you hate. I think I would rather be alone day to day and still get to spend time with my DC when their busy young lives allowed than hang on to a DH who could give such a cruel ultimatum.

This would be a simple choice for me. I'd choose my children every time.

It must have been hurtful for your kids growing up with a father who seemed indifferent to them. One who never attended their events or did much with them. Even if they don't show it, it must have affected their self esteem. If their mother was to now say she will no longer do stuff with them as she wants to prioritise their father, this man who seemingly didn't care for them, it will likely cause so much damage. If you reject them they may well reject you in return. He's had a very dysfunctional childhood. Don't create the same for your children.

Jesus fucking Christ on a bike

i I mean obviously you choose your children. Every time

Didn’t he want to have children? If that’s the case, why on earth did he choose to have them? Before anyone says societal expectations, I have children of a similar age and plenty of couples were choosing to be childfree 20 years ago.

As @parietal says: What did he expect from parenthood? How does he think children grow up to be sensible adults if they don’t get time and energy from the adults around them?

His behavior is ridiculous, like a spoilt toddler. You deserve much better, OP. 💐

@Buscake I hope you and your children are living happy safe lives and I hope also you’re very proud of the strength you used to get away 🤗

Choose them. If you are looking for a life partner - he’s never been it, but you may meet someone else who could be if you free yourself from him. I have a busy DH. Travels, works long hours, sick from work stress these days but he has always been there for the kids and even coached cricket for a few years. He split the uni days with me and does weekly checks on our eldest (Autism/ADHD and in her first term at uni in London). Your DH is, well, a despicably selfish man. You deserve better. And so do your kids.

ETA just going to add, all 4 of us are on the spectrum and DH does need his space - he has a man cave where he retreats when he needs alone time… but he would never cook us a meal and shun us. Whether your DH is on the spectrum or not is irrelevant. He socialises at work, functions day to day… he should be able to do so at home.

Your husband is jealous of his own children. He clearly didn't understand that you being a Mum, would mean your priorities would change from him being first to the children being first. He's refused to integrate himself into family life, and have any kind of relationship with his children, because he resents them. He dislikes the time you spend with them, he dislikes your relationship with them, he dislikes you doing anything for them. He doesn't want a relationship with his own children, but in turn he doesn't want you to either. The fact he's wanting you to choose between him and your children is bloody awful and he should be ashamed of himself for even thinking it, let alone saying it to you. No, your children won't 'need' you as much, because they are older, but you are still their Mum and they're still your children, no matter how old they are. Of course, you'll be there for them, because you're a good Mum! He on the other hand is a shit Dad, and doesn't deserve children. If you go along with this madness, what happens in the future if you are lucky enough to be grandparents???!! Is he going to expect you to not see your grandchildren? Or to treat them the same way as he has his own children? I'm sorry OP, I know it's scary but I couldn't live like this, and I certainly wouldn't pick him over my children. I'd rather be single, than stay with this poor excuse of a man.

He’s asked to choose. So choose. Spoiler: it’s not him.

He's selfish. He hasn't supported you emtionally or phsically in supporting your dcs.Thats not a partnership, it's a one man band. Let him go.