Choosing DH or teenage nearly adult children

[789vghu8]

Been married 20 years with 2 teenage kids. When I met DH he was a breath of fresh air he had his own house, a really good job , was quite intelligent and most important of all and why I fell for him was how good he was at conversation and he was interested in me as a person (and not just a snog or an easy shag) We met in a nightclub!!!

He has been a fantastic husband in the early days but not a great father unfortunately, and because of this I started to resent him many years ago. As time has gone on and the children got older he got better but still couldn't and can't understand why I do so much for them and why now they are still living with us.

It all come to a head today as we went to a uni open day with my DD. He doesn't do family stuff so we have done all other visits on our own but this one was bit further away and I wasn't comfortable driving that far so I asked him for help - (I rarely ask him for any type of help as it just causes stress so I do everything to do with the children on my own) He reluctantly agreed but his answer was if DD wants to go to uni open day she is 17 she goes on her own at 17 why the hell would she want her parents tagging along and he got really angry with me last night as he said that there would be no other parents at the open day even though I assured him there would be as I have done several open days these last few weeks.

So apparently we have all sucked the life out of him since my eldest was born by putting so many demands on him -first it was parents evening , then swimming lessons, then football games, birthday parties all things i expected him to attend but actually after 2 years of asking I didn't expect any type of involvement from him. He says now the children are older I am still running round after them and I need to decide who is the priority - them or him.

He will never collect or pick children up from anywhere, never been to watch my sons football games or ever looked after the children for more than 3 hours.

I have sucked the life out of him with all my expectations.

However he will take my auntie to all her hospital appointments and is very helpful to our neighbours. This is because they are old and infirm and unable to look after themselves. If myself or one of the kids asks for a favour he won't help us out.

He wants me to choose. Kids are 19 and 17 and almost adults but I still want to do stuff with them and I am really close to both of them which he can't understand but as he was very distant when they were little it has always fallen on me to do everything and as a result neither child really has a relationship with him which is what he wants but I can't choose between him and them so I really feel stuck in the middle. Kids will not need me soon but if I don't stop doing things with them I will lose him and I don't know why I am so scared as he has never really been 'there'

Should have read ‘what did he say ‘…

Yup. Sounds about right. He’s utterly tragic.

He's not a parent, he's a sperm donor.

I would never choose a dude who was so unfeeling about his kids. He is taking selfishness to an extreme. Has he been diagnosed with a personality disorder?

Ditch the selfish shit , you'll get over him in time , but what you'll never get over is your children distancing or even ending their relationships with you because you chose him.

Showing support and helping your kids build towards a future, choose a uni etc is really important. They don't stop needing your input and support as they launch themselves toward independence. Our DS developed a major health issue that meant he had to take a gap year. DH's job means that he can work abroad for months at a time. When the crisis came he juggled working in Japan and family commitments. It's what you do as a parent. It has to be. My worry for you OP is that commitment to you and your future needs would also be subject to some kind of similarly odd judgement call to the one your DH has levelled at the father-child experience.

It really shouldn't even be a question, your children never asked to come into this world, you chose to have them, hence your children no matter how old they are should always come before a partner. I think it's really sad that you've put up with your husbands selfish attitude for so long.

No, his views are not understandable. You can learn and develop, read, take advice, ask for help, go for counselling. You don't have to be a prisoner of your past.
Does he care about his children?
He couldn't even go to his DC football matches, I think there's a strong selfish streak there.

I feel for your DH. He was informed by his parents’ choice and then expected that was true and real and love and marriage would be the place for him to be loved. It is possible this was his only frame of reference. He would have benefited from a therapy as a child or early on in his adult life.

Aside from the kids, what is he like as a husband?

"I'm a selfish twat and a shit dad who resents my kids because I'm no longer the center of attention" would be my guess.

He has emotionally abused and neglected his children apparently all their lives.

It beggars belief that you have to ask. LTB and be there for them in adulthood because they are inevitably going to need therapy to unpack their childhood and abandonment by their father.

My dad was quite similar. I spent my entire teenage years wondering why the hell my mum was with him and wishing she would leave him. I imagine your kids feel the same.

In the end he left for a much younger woman who could give him all the attention he needed. It broke my mum but I just felt like a weight had been lifted from the house.

Choose your kids and leave him. Frankly, you should have done it years ago.

You've damaged your children enough in choosing this male as their father and remaining with him their whole childhoods, the very least you should do is divorce him and support your children, I imagine they will have higher support needs as young adults once they realise how fucked up their lives have been.

No. I’m sorry. I’m very rarely LTB but in this case he can get in the bin.

Just wanted to point out having autism or any other kind of neuro diversity is never an excuse for being a dreadful, unloving parent or partner, that's just down to who he is as a person, which is a waste if oxygen. I'm ND and my kids are my world, they come before everything and everyone, of course sometimes I crave peace and quiet sometimes but that's normal, it's a different matter when you behave the way your husband is.

"I was so self absorbed and thoughtless I couldn't even be arsed to go to a parents' evening"

My 35 year old sister really needs my parents at the moment. She is pregnant and struggling to look after her toddler due to pelvic pain. My parents have been helping several times a week when her DH is at work.

Your children will need you less, but they will still need you. You will want to visit them at uni and may want to help them with things e.g. moving house. Don't 'choose' your DH and feel you can't do the things you want to with your children.

Honestly a disinterested father figure who has no time for you is damaging. It’s fucked up my relations with men for my whole adult life.

Ditch the deadweight and swim away.

You’ve done an amazing job with your children op - it’s easy for us to say you should have left earlier but life isn’t that black and white. I don’t know how you’ve managed. You know the answer here . Best of luck .

How on earth can this even be a question? You choose your children.

Your husband is a twat. Yes, that may be informed by past trauma, but most people with trauma try to move past it and not let it define them. Your husband wants to embody it, do the exact same thing and inflict it on his own kids.

Fuck him. Please leave him @789vghu8

That is horrible. My kids are in their thirties and both settled in jobs and marriage and with kids of their own but they are still very important in my life. At the age of your young adults, they haven't even left the nest yet. He is not a nice dad as they just seem to be an inconvenience to him and they must be aware of this .

Tell him to stop being a dysfunctional twat and take himself to counselling. Tell him you’ve been pandering to his unrealistic expectations for long enough and he needs to step up or end up lonely.

My husband has similar tendencies- different triggers but similarly unreasonable. I had to learn to stop accommodating him.

He’s improved immeasurably.

It’s actually unbelievable that he thinks so highly of himself that he’s asked you to make that choice!
Self-important and unintelligent - really not a good mix.
Bye, bye knobhead.

Your kids will always need you. My three are still here - one a returner. It’s a blessing. Always choose your children.

Wow what a tough choice @789vghu8 🙄. I think I would choose to get rid of that selfish twat of yours.

You should have chosen your children long before this.