Choosing DH or teenage nearly adult children

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Been married 20 years with 2 teenage kids. When I met DH he was a breath of fresh air he had his own house, a really good job , was quite intelligent and most important of all and why I fell for him was how good he was at conversation and he was interested in me as a person (and not just a snog or an easy shag) We met in a nightclub!!!

He has been a fantastic husband in the early days but not a great father unfortunately, and because of this I started to resent him many years ago. As time has gone on and the children got older he got better but still couldn't and can't understand why I do so much for them and why now they are still living with us.

It all come to a head today as we went to a uni open day with my DD. He doesn't do family stuff so we have done all other visits on our own but this one was bit further away and I wasn't comfortable driving that far so I asked him for help - (I rarely ask him for any type of help as it just causes stress so I do everything to do with the children on my own) He reluctantly agreed but his answer was if DD wants to go to uni open day she is 17 she goes on her own at 17 why the hell would she want her parents tagging along and he got really angry with me last night as he said that there would be no other parents at the open day even though I assured him there would be as I have done several open days these last few weeks.

So apparently we have all sucked the life out of him since my eldest was born by putting so many demands on him -first it was parents evening , then swimming lessons, then football games, birthday parties all things i expected him to attend but actually after 2 years of asking I didn't expect any type of involvement from him. He says now the children are older I am still running round after them and I need to decide who is the priority - them or him.

He will never collect or pick children up from anywhere, never been to watch my sons football games or ever looked after the children for more than 3 hours.

I have sucked the life out of him with all my expectations.

However he will take my auntie to all her hospital appointments and is very helpful to our neighbours. This is because they are old and infirm and unable to look after themselves. If myself or one of the kids asks for a favour he won't help us out.

He wants me to choose. Kids are 19 and 17 and almost adults but I still want to do stuff with them and I am really close to both of them which he can't understand but as he was very distant when they were little it has always fallen on me to do everything and as a result neither child really has a relationship with him which is what he wants but I can't choose between him and them so I really feel stuck in the middle. Kids will not need me soon but if I don't stop doing things with them I will lose him and I don't know why I am so scared as he has never really been 'there'

It’s very telling that he says either him or the kids is the priority. There is no option for you to prioritise yourself.

Is there a reason you haven’t left him?

but I can't choose between him and them so I really feel stuck in the middle

Do you still love him and want to be with him after how you have described he has treated you and your children for all these years?

Well, he had a dysfunctional childhood, so everything he learned about being a parent came from his own parents. From that perspective, his views are understandable. Of course, your children are nearly adults, and they will move away and need you less over the next few years. Are you prepared to stick it out with your husband for as long as it takes? Only you can decide.

I'm amazed you have lasted this long op

He 'doesn't do family time' so he doesn't deserve a family.
He is inflicting his childhood trauma onto your children. Don't let him do this any longer.

Why is this a question it is your children 100%

Absolutely no idea what part of this is a hard decision for you and I think that’s worrying for dc. Unless it’s not really a hard decision, you’re just scared which would be understandable. Im assuming / hoping you also didn’t mean it this way but you’ve only mentioned how it will effect you to choose just dh. Perhaps you should be thinking about how dc would feel if you chose this man.

as they were so in love and still are so there was no time for him.
no. That’s not why.

his parents didn’t parent him, it’s damaged him so much that he won’t talk about his childhood and dislikes his own children and is risking ending his marriage because of the damage. But also he wants to copy them. Great, sounds healthy for everyone.

You should have left him years ago. He seems to have no capacity for self reflection. That's not simply autism. The damage caused by his parents lack of interest is either extreme or he has a severe personality disorder (or both, most likely). No parents should be more concerned with each other than with their child.

Choose your children (how could you not?), ditch him and maybe one day find happiness with a decent man.

He's replaying the pattern of his own childhood; you didn't play along as you actually were involved in your children's upbringing.

It's very sad for his cold teenage years but you knew, and know, this isn't good parenting. He hasn't been able to open his eyes. Yours were never shut.

Don't dump your children now.

One other question for you: could you bear to live joined at the hip, together every single moment? With this father, this man, that you resent? Would you be allowed your own friends, time apart, evenings out with friends without him?

You're not a doll for him to drag around like a 4 year old with his toy bunny, clutching it to his side. Especially not given that he's asking you to effectively abandon your own adult children.

And what happens when your children have their own children and you’re not allowed to see them because he doesn’t think you should? Fuck that. I would choose my children over and over again. You don’t need him. I’d rather be alone forever than be with such a vile excuse of a man

You should have chosen years ago and prevented such a damaging 'normal' for your children.
Now he's asking you to choose, expecting that you'll choose him as you've always done, so fuck that. Leaving is well overdue

Why did he agree to 1 child, nevermind 2?
If he "relished" peace and quiet and hates the demands of children, it should have been simple, he should have stayed single and just pleased himself. No-one forced him.
What a nasty piece of work. Just when you think the bar can't be lower for men, along comes another example.

Kids are nearly grown up. Soon off to Uni, then he will have you to himself.

Should've had a vasectomy. Only takes 15 mins and costs £500. Usually the NHS will pay so it's free at access.

This is exactly what my other half is like. Always reminds them if he has to spend 10 minutes collecting them for a hobby, all that he sacrifices for them!

He has barely lifted a finger for me or them since our second child was born. He can't understand why I do so much for them either.

IMO, they didn't ask to be born. They are a joy to me. It's not always been easy raising them almost alone but the relationship that I have with my kids is fantastic. Whereas, they mostly eye roll when he opens his mouth.

Neither child is bothered about being around him as they're so used to it being me always there for them. They don't miss him when he goes away.

I warned him years ago that if he didn't buck up his ideas, he wouldn't have a relationship with them as adults. Sadly, I think that prediction will come true.

You get out what you put in. Our kids don't recall many memories of being with their Dad apart from the odd holiday or day out.

They remember doing so many things with me though. Farms, theme parks, toddler classes, being driven to their clubs, being there at parents evenings, school plays, sports day.

They'll remember the home made food I made and will also recall that their Dad hasn't cooked from scratch for them in years. If they're lucky, they'll get tinned soup when he cooks for them which would be about once every 3 months or so.

More importantly, they know that we have a relationship of trust and mutual respect and that I was ready to listen to them and support them every single day.

Obviously you pick your kids.
Shame on him for being such an awful dad. Does he expect them to look after him when he is old and needs help? I hope they dont !
Also they will always need you. Maybe not for the stuff you do now . But in other ways.
I have a brilliant relationship with my parents and see them alot . But now its more of a friendship. We do nice things together. Share interests and activities.
But you can guarantee you both won't have a good relationship with your children if you give up on them now.

There is only one correct answer here op and you’ve always known it. Any man who is not a good father is not a good person. Tell him to fuck off. Your kids are your blood, he’s nobody.

This isn't a problem that is ever going to disappear.
The op will presumably still want to see her kids when they are adults and her awful husband will presumably make it an issue every time.
Do you think they'll want to come home and visit with a father who doesn't give a shit about them and will probably strop about them daring to visit the family home?
The op is going to end up lonely and miserable married to this selfish prick if she chooses him.

This scenario has nothing but misery ahead. Your children do still need you and always will, in one way or another. For advice, support and love. Its what families do. Your husband has been badly damaged by his upbringing and is intent on paying it forward. You don't really have a choice.

Quite. He acts like a martyr when he made the choice.

Very telling he thinks you have to choose between him and the kids. Like an employer telling you to ditch your other job. Except he isn’t your employer and he isn’t the boss of you.

Choose yourself. And your kids. They are what makes you happy. He isn’t. He’s a selfish twunt.

I divorced my exDH because he wasn't a good enough father. I did everything for my DC, right from the beginning. I blame it on his upbringing but it's not enough of an excuse is it. We got on great, fantastic, couldn't fault it, before we had DC. Then he became distant and uninterested. Goodbye and good riddance.

Shag dud he say when he surely saw loads of parents at the open day?!!! Did he tho k they are all pathetic, running around after their DC?

OP, he is a deeply damaged person, but I would expect a mature person to acknowledge the shortcomings of his own childhood and try to do much better for his own DC - not be unpleasant and deliberately distant. There is no way I would have put up with a man like this. My DF was way more engaged with DB and me in the 80s. Same for FIL with DH and BIL.

How is this even a choice? You choose your children over this disgusting excuse of a man every single time.

The kids will probably always need you. What happens when they marry, have kids of their own? Your DH will presumably not be happy with you wanting to be in your grandkids lives.
Are you going to spend the rest of your life pandering to him?