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Original poster

Choosing DH or teenage nearly adult children

767 replies

789vghu8 · 11/10/2025 21:58

Been married 20 years with 2 teenage kids. When I met DH he was a breath of fresh air he had his own house, a really good job , was quite intelligent and most important of all and why I fell for him was how good he was at conversation and he was interested in me as a person (and not just a snog or an easy shag) We met in a nightclub!!!

He has been a fantastic husband in the early days but not a great father unfortunately, and because of this I started to resent him many years ago. As time has gone on and the children got older he got better but still couldn't and can't understand why I do so much for them and why now they are still living with us.

It all come to a head today as we went to a uni open day with my DD. He doesn't do family stuff so we have done all other visits on our own but this one was bit further away and I wasn't comfortable driving that far so I asked him for help - (I rarely ask him for any type of help as it just causes stress so I do everything to do with the children on my own) He reluctantly agreed but his answer was if DD wants to go to uni open day she is 17 she goes on her own at 17 why the hell would she want her parents tagging along and he got really angry with me last night as he said that there would be no other parents at the open day even though I assured him there would be as I have done several open days these last few weeks.

So apparently we have all sucked the life out of him since my eldest was born by putting so many demands on him -first it was parents evening , then swimming lessons, then football games, birthday parties all things i expected him to attend but actually after 2 years of asking I didn't expect any type of involvement from him. He says now the children are older I am still running round after them and I need to decide who is the priority - them or him.

He will never collect or pick children up from anywhere, never been to watch my sons football games or ever looked after the children for more than 3 hours.

I have sucked the life out of him with all my expectations.

However he will take my auntie to all her hospital appointments and is very helpful to our neighbours. This is because they are old and infirm and unable to look after themselves. If myself or one of the kids asks for a favour he won't help us out.

He wants me to choose. Kids are 19 and 17 and almost adults but I still want to do stuff with them and I am really close to both of them which he can't understand but as he was very distant when they were little it has always fallen on me to do everything and as a result neither child really has a relationship with him which is what he wants but I can't choose between him and them so I really feel stuck in the middle. Kids will not need me soon but if I don't stop doing things with them I will lose him and I don't know why I am so scared as he has never really been 'there'

OP posts:
OctopusFriend · 11/10/2025 23:10

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

I know. The bit about cooking a meal and refusing to sit and eat with his own children made me want to cry.
What an absolutely crap father they've had.

Snippit · 11/10/2025 23:11

Our daughter is nearly 30 and we still do loads for her. I have done more of the running around but her dad has never been resentful. He comes from a large family and they literally brought themselves up and it was all alien to him, plus our child hoods didn’t require all of this, life was much simpler and closer to home 🤷‍♀️

Homegrownberries · 11/10/2025 23:11

Choose the kids. It's a no brainer.
When they move out choose yourself. He is truly awful.

ttcat37 · 11/10/2025 23:12

I can't choose between him and them so I really feel stuck in the middle

Why can’t you choose? Your innocent children have experienced a horrible parent their whole lives. Your husband is a complete cunt. Put your kids first. I don’t know how you could even consider staying with a man that treated your children that way.

WhoamItoday11 · 11/10/2025 23:12

789vghu8 · 11/10/2025 22:24

I think he is possibly autistic and he relishes peace and quiet and he says he never gets this because of the demands that are put on him. His parents stopped parenting him at around 14 as they were so in love and still are so there was no time for him. He never had swimming lessons, holidays etc as he was just sort of shoved in a corner.

We almost had marriage counselling about 10 yrs ago but he refused to do it as he will not talk about his childhood.

Looking back he had absolutely no idea what parenting entailed.

I should have left years ago but I thought as kids would get older it would get easier but actually as kids have got older the parenting challenges are sometimes even harder than when they were little - dealing with teenage mental health issues, teenage dating and break ups, helping them learn to drive, uni applications, looking for jobs. He says all of the above should be dealt with by them and I should not be involved any longer and he then makes me feel guilty and I think maybe I have done and do too much and they do rely on me too much.

His parents have been married 60 years and spend every single moment together and he wants what they have although 49 of this years that he has been alive he hasn't been their priority - my parents have had a long marriage too but are constantly bickering my mum moans about my dad, dad moans about mum also, she has friends she does things with he used to go on weekends away with his friends and me and my siblings have always even as adults done stuff with my parents - and H struggles with this. We are adults so why are we still wanting to do stuff with our parents. He moved out at 16 and sees his parents once a year if that.

In summary, he had a shit childhood. He knows he had a shit childhood and does not want to talk about it. But he is also wanting to repeat this shit childhood on his children. He suffered, so why shouldn't they? Charming!

Choose your children. Funny how he's left this ultimatum until the point where he will no longer have to pay child support.

PeachySmile2 · 11/10/2025 23:12

He sounds like a piece of shit

Crudd99 · 11/10/2025 23:13

Imbusytodaysorry · 11/10/2025 22:06

”I am a jealous twat and I resent my children and want my wife to myself , and all her attention on me “

Show quote history

Exactly this, he sounds vile.

OctopusFriend · 11/10/2025 23:14

He cannot bear to be with his own children because they're always talking or wanting something?
Yet he's a good husband because he puts the laundry away?
Can you hear yourself? Please get out of this.

3within3 · 11/10/2025 23:15

He does not get to make you choose. HE is making a choice here, which is the three of you or none of you. HIS CHOICE. Do not let him put this on you, turn it back on him because that is exactly what’s happening.

Mmc123 · 11/10/2025 23:15

Aww feel for you ..obvs "good enough" husband but terrible father ..how sad. I find it very attractive to see great dad's. I always thought I could replace a partner but never a child. I would expect my children's father to put them before him and me & I am the same. But that is me ...I could live happily with that but you need to do you as you will be the one living with your decision...

Heylittlesongbird · 11/10/2025 23:16

What you are doing for your children is perfectly normal and expected parenting. You need to keep showing up for them because it seems like they only have one functioning parent.

My father was not this extreme but there were similarities. Mum acted as a buffer between us and his lack of interest in us.

After we moved out he made it hard for mum to catch up with us on the phone. If I visited he’d monopolise her. He struggled with his grandchildren. I love my mum, but I know we’d be closer if he hadn’t put his obstacles in the way. I think my sibling feels it more acutely than me and their relationship with mum is more distant.

Yes, your children will grow and move out but you’ll want to be a part of their lives forever. I think that you’ll get far more happiness from focusing on them than your husband.

My father felt unloved, sent to boarding school etc. He was clearly a damaged man because of his childhood. But, like your husband, he didn’t seem able to break that cycle moving forward. You can’t fix him, but you can ensure your children have a decent chance.

Imisscoffee2021 · 11/10/2025 23:16

He isn't a priority, he's a grown man. By the same logic he applies then he doesn't need help he's neither a child nor infirm.

I can't believe he feels that way about his own children, it suggests either a very anxious or very narcissistic person who thinks of themselves alot above all others. There's no ticking clock that runs down being there for your kids.

outerspacepotato · 11/10/2025 23:16

Do you not see he's trying to recreate his parents' toxic bubble and exclude and damage your kids? He has zero empathy or concerns for them or for you.

He has no feeling for his kids. He can fake a sociable persona for others, like you said he'll drive his aunt but he can't be bothered for those who should be closest to him. That's frightening.

Your kids might need some serious therapy considering what's been modeled for them

Beesandhoney123 · 11/10/2025 23:17

To add, I'm amazed he hasn't fucked off years ago, to be with someone without kids.

He would have done you all a favour. But oh no, he has stuck around, hating every second of being a dad.

Or what? If you choose to continue to ' put your kids first' is he going to push off? Make very sure you know what's what with finances. This bloke is not your friend.

CherrieTomaties · 11/10/2025 23:17

If you end up “choosing” this selfish loser over your children then you’re a shit mother.

Umy15r03lcha1 · 11/10/2025 23:18

Don't use his possible autism as an excuse for his weird selfish behaviour.

He chooses to do things to help neighbours and other people .

He chooses -not- to do things for you or his children.

Now he's making you choose .... Well..... bye bye selfish husband, this was your stupid idea.

Homegrownberries · 11/10/2025 23:19

In a way, I feel sorry for him. No one has ever prioritised him. You can't. Your children are your top priority, as they should be. His parents didn't, so he missed his window. His behaviour really isn't in the realm of what's normal. He needs professional help of some description.

TomatoSandwiches · 11/10/2025 23:19

I bet he's been waiting to declare this ultimatum, likely salivating at the thought of it and he has only been bolstered by you staying with him for so long, you've stayed and accepted his behaviour to the point he feels comfortable demanding this of you.

janehopper · 11/10/2025 23:19

Are you genuinely considering choosing this pathetic specimen over your children? I've read some things on here...

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 11/10/2025 23:19

You have to tell him that he’s the one who is out of line. You could try explain it rationally to him- there are two of them and they may give you grandchildren, there’s only one of him… they aren’t stopping you having a relationship with him, but he’s stopping you having a relationship with them.

Tell Him his choice is being alone or sharing with his dc.

He needs to be told. You are doing him a disservice by letting him think this is ok.

thewalrus3 · 11/10/2025 23:20

How sad for your kids to grow up with a father who clearly resents them so much. Do you not think it’s damaged them at all?

In this situation I couldn’t respect or love this man anymore. Your kids are unconditional love and his distaste and resentment for them would be the ultimate dealbreaker for me, no matter how much cooking or laundry he does.

76evie · 11/10/2025 23:21

I think you should have left him a long time ago.

They may be young adults starting out in life but they still need help and love and guidance and well their Mum & Dad. Not that it sounds like they’ve ever had a Dad.

Please don’t let him alienate you from your children, what happens in the future when they have children, is he going to “let you” love, look after and nurture your grandchildren or want you to have nothing to do with them.

It sounds like his parents have damaged him and he in turn has done the same to his children.

Choose correctly, choose your children, whom I feel so sorry for.

YouMightLikeCats · 11/10/2025 23:22

TheBlueHotel · 11/10/2025 22:31

He wants you to have a codependent in each other's pockets relationship for the rest of your lives whilst excluding your kids? Do you see how fucked up this is??

This. I can't really see why he would even think this is an attractive option for the OP?

Yabayabadoo · 11/10/2025 23:23

This is even a question?

Pallisers · 11/10/2025 23:24

I know what I'd choose and it isn't him.

There is something wrong with him that he doesn't want to nurture/enjoy/spend time with his own children. He had a shit childhood and it has damaged him and now he is trying to recreate the toxic relationship his parents have.

When his parents need his help what will happen?

Honestly OP just get out of this awful relationship. You can't fix him and his presence/non presence in his children's life is going to damage them.