Confused about money AIBU

[Lyra74]

I've been seeing partner nearly 2 years. Nearly all that time I've known I earn almost double on paper compared to him. Although after tax pension etc it isn't anywhere near double. I have 2 kids at uni and they live with me when home for the holidays. So quite large outgoings at the moment. I have around 11k in savings so doing ok but not rich by any means since my divorce.
My partner is careful with money and worries about it. So as time has gone on I've found myself paying much more than half of things which I didn't mind. And more recently I helped him out with some small renovations to his house, as I'm planning on moving in with him in the spring.
This week I found out he has £225k in savings and investments. Money he inherited when his dad died that he makes around 9% on each year.
I am honestly blown away. I thought he was broke apart from his property. His house is in a nice part of Cheshire but the kitchen is falling to pieces. Feeling a bit silly and not sure if I've been taken for a ride.

Assuming dividends reinvested, it is 11%, and that is pretty consistent over time
https://tradethatswing.com/average-historical-stock-market-returns-for-sp-500-5-year-up-to-150-year-averages/?srsltid=AfmBOopEgQLq4sCtycFHw53RWVSC1eGlx1Gug5QGE0pQwEll5F8WSlCr

How much you have given him and what the terms of repayment?

This should be an eye opener to his attitudes to money and to you. Do not move in with him, or let him move in with you. Your (almost) adult children will thank you in the long run.

Well the good news is you found out who he is before you sold up and moved in. Honestly cut your losses and move on.

This.

@Lyra74 I know you said DP didn’t directly ask for the money but imho he was highly manipulative in suggesting he needed the money and quite happily took your money. He was misleading about his financial position which is the only reason you gave him that money.

The disparity in your savings and size of your respective mortgages is massive and on top of that he hasn’t even got any dependants unlike you! Honestly this would put me off him. I’d ask for my money back and see how he responds. Maybe he’ll do the decent thing but if he doesn’t then sounds you’ll be better off without him.

He's basically using you no wonder he has money in the bank I wouldn't want to be with him after this

Unless you're looking to finance all these renovations and whatever else he comes up with, just dump the liar.

A lot of people see long term investment / inheritance money, and day to day running costs as different things entirely.

He talks about things being expensive. They are. Cost of living has sky rocketed. You’ve said he’s never asked for money. You’ve interpreted his comments as meaning he’s short. That’s partly on you.

Does he know what your total net worth situation is? Or have you both been making assumptions about the other.

Im kind of in the opposite position. I have large savings that i haven't disclosed to anyone because im worried people will freeload off me. My new partner (6 months) is not financially secure at all and lets me pay for things saying he'll pay me back (his food shopping, clothes, toiletries) then doesnt pay me even when asked instead saying I can afford it. I dont like this so I can't/don't share what I actually have. He knows my salary and thats it. Am I in the wrong here? Ive never lied, just not disclosed?

This!!!

He is a piss-taker and I don't believe that you should move in with any man until your kids have finished education and settled in their future careers.

So you’re bankrolling him on the fake premise he’ll pay you back and he doesn’t?

Your wealth is not the issue, the fact he’s a freeloader taking advantage even without knowing about your savings is a massive red flag.

Why on earth are you tolerating this from a man you’ve know a few months?

Has he offered to put you on the deed of the house if you are paying more than him towards the mortgage....

This one wants throwing back- after you have got your renovation money back from him.

You're in the wrong - you need to leave him, or if you really really love him and are happy to be the breadwinner just go on supporting him until you have nothing left and he can move on.

From bitter experience, this is a huge red flag. Do not move in, do not create co-dependent finances and have a serious think about the relationship. I’d bin him sadly.

He’s taking loans and then calling them gifts. Nothing to do with your savings. He’s a cheeky fucker and that’s a giant red flag.

You're not overreacting, OP, it's your body telling you something is really off. He's financially taking advantage of you. Do you want to keep financing his lifestyle while you get yourself cheap stuff, or do you want to keep your hard earned money for your wellbeing and your children's?
It's gonna get worse once you move in with him, when he'll ask you to pay double what he puts in, plus without a doubt you'll end up doing most of the house chores and cooking etc.

Be glad you found this out before you moved in. Sounds like he wanted you to contribute more towards his mortgage than he would have been paying himself. There would no doubt be renovations he would suggest along the way.
Such grabby behaviour taking as much as he could get off you to increase his investments and minimise his spends so he can save up more and more and still get to live the good life.

Maybe protect yourself by being less generous and empathetic when it comes to finances in future relationships. If they can't afford 50/50 then not your issue. You need someone who can afford to match what you can.

Ditch this 1, he has let the self pitying mask slip now, he's a user who took you for all he could get and was setting himself up nicely to do that further by the move

Not sure where you got that figure from and when you take into account inflation.., will be considerably lower

He knows everything about your finances while being shady about his?! Massive red flag! Just wondering, is he also much older than you and maybe was hoping for you to become his long term lodger+carer?

I'm having serious misgivings about this man. You need a completely open an honest conversation about both your financial positions. Why did he lie about his investments, why does he still have a mortgage (paying interest) if he has significant investments.

I think you know what you’ve discovered, who this man really is. I expect the further into it you get the more the financial abuse will ramp up. He’s busy taking time out now to figure out how to DARVO you over this. The conversation will focus on you daring to find out about his lies and sneakiness, not his actual behaviour. It will somehow be all your fault.

I’d be cutting this one loose fast, he’ll bring nothing but misery to you life on the long term - leeching you dry while feathering his own nest.

I wouldn’t dream of telling such a new partner all my financial affairs so don’t worry about that. Do worry about the fact he’s a freeloader.

why does he still have a mortgage (paying interest) if he has significant investments

This is a completely normal thing to do.

MASSIVE red flags and he is already abusing you and it will only get worse!!! Him going through your post when he’s at your houses?!?! WTF???🤬 That is none of his business!!!