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Original poster

Confused about money AIBU

281 replies

Lyra74 · 10/10/2025 07:58

I've been seeing partner nearly 2 years. Nearly all that time I've known I earn almost double on paper compared to him. Although after tax pension etc it isn't anywhere near double. I have 2 kids at uni and they live with me when home for the holidays. So quite large outgoings at the moment. I have around 11k in savings so doing ok but not rich by any means since my divorce.
My partner is careful with money and worries about it. So as time has gone on I've found myself paying much more than half of things which I didn't mind. And more recently I helped him out with some small renovations to his house, as I'm planning on moving in with him in the spring.
This week I found out he has £225k in savings and investments. Money he inherited when his dad died that he makes around 9% on each year.
I am honestly blown away. I thought he was broke apart from his property. His house is in a nice part of Cheshire but the kitchen is falling to pieces. Feeling a bit silly and not sure if I've been taken for a ride.

OP posts:
Bernadinetta · 10/10/2025 08:43

So he doesn’t know that you know how much he has? Ask him again outright, say it’s important to you that you’re both open and transparent about money before you commit to moving in together. Say he knows all about your income, savings and inheritance so it’s only right you know about his too. If he refuses to tell you, then that is a bit of a red flag. If he tells you, but gives the incorrect amount then that is a big red flag. If he tells you then that could be a green flag but then obviously opens up the conversation as to why he’s been acting like he’s broke and accepting hand outs from you.

TwistedWonder · 10/10/2025 08:43

So not only is he a freeloader happy to let you bankroll him, he’s a dishonest one. And will you be going on the deeds of his house when you move in to get the benefit of the renovations you’ve paid for?

Honestly it would be an absolute deal breaker for me not only for cohabiting but for the relationship.

What did you plan to do with your home when you’re living in his? Please think carefully - don’t throw away your DC inheritance for a cheapskate man

Doggymummar · 10/10/2025 08:43

I don't see it like most do. I used to be the one with huge savings and investments which have all gone due to family and friends knowing and borrowing, or loaning and not paying back. Given my time over I would not let on my financial position. So long as it's shared when you move in or marry it's fine. Two years isn't a long relationship to trust someone with that information.

PeachBlossom1234 · 10/10/2025 08:46

As a single mum I don’t give any time to men who are trying to take away from my DD. I couldn’t continue this OP, you’re right to protect your assets

Justcallmedaffodil · 10/10/2025 08:48

Thatmoves · 10/10/2025 08:00

And I need to know where he makes 9% a year!!!

A fairly conservative investment portfolio will easily return 8-10% a year Confused

frozendaisy · 10/10/2025 08:50

Stop paying for stuff first

Explain that you going forward will have similar disposable income because you have been inspired to invest - see how he reacts.

The money you have already spent is gone, you need to let that go, future money though, you can think about that more.

You won’t be paying uni forever
You might end up with an adult child or two paying you rent

Time to get back to what’s important, your finances are between you and your kids

As for moving in, I would hold off on that.

Basically take a big step back, 2 years isn’t long enough to pay for storage in a house you aren’t living in yet.

Just halt the payments for now.

Take some time over weekend to think this through.

Zempy · 10/10/2025 08:51

He’s a cheeky bastard!

No way should you move in with him, you will regret it.

LittleOwl153 · 10/10/2025 08:52

Lyra74 · 10/10/2025 08:13

He suggested we have a joint bank account when I move in to cover mortgage and bills etc. He asked me if I'd pay a percentage of income rather than equal amounts. I'm feeling really stupid. I'm buying things second hand off vinted whilst he buys new for himself.
He says he can't spend the money as hasnt a big enough income to replace it.

Has he offered to put you on the deed of the house if you are paying more than him towards the mortgage....

This one wants throwing back- after you have got your renovation money back from him.

TSMWEL · 10/10/2025 08:53

Doggymummar · 10/10/2025 08:43

I don't see it like most do. I used to be the one with huge savings and investments which have all gone due to family and friends knowing and borrowing, or loaning and not paying back. Given my time over I would not let on my financial position. So long as it's shared when you move in or marry it's fine. Two years isn't a long relationship to trust someone with that information.

That would be ok if OPs bf wasn’t getting her to pay for things, including work to his own house that she will see no return on her investment in.

There is a difference between protecting your own assets and draining other people’s.

FinallyHere · 10/10/2025 08:56

He asked me if I would pay a percentage of income instead of equal amounts

ooof. Yes, this is tricky to navigate. There is really nothing wrong with being careful so long as you both agree on your priorities.

id want to know a bit more about the renovations you funded ahead of moving in. Were they things he would benefit from and wanted anyway, but claimed he could not afford or things really just for you ? If he would not have paid for them then I can kind of see his point.

if you want to give the relationship any kind of chance, I’d start saving fiercely and then offer to contribute a percentage of net disposable income. And make sure with the savings that yours is less than his. If he is ok with that, I’d take it to be genuine carefulness rather CFery. I’d still probably think twice before living with someone so careful with their own finance.

ApricotCheesecake · 10/10/2025 08:58

I'd be really upset about this OP. He has hundreds of thousands in savings and was happy to let you pay for things. I don't think it was necessarily wrong for him not to tell you, as it is quite personal information, but he shouldn't be leaching off you.

FinallyHere · 10/10/2025 09:00

Ah, seen your updates where he didn’t disclose his capital and you had to snoop. That makes it a hard no for me.

and I wouldn’t tell him why it was over for me. I’d say it was too early to start blending our families.

and put the money you have already spent on him down to the price of finding out before you did anything irrevocable.

all the best.

cantpullthetrigger · 10/10/2025 09:04

He’s happy to effectively steal money from your children’s futures to protect his own little nest egg.

I would be done. He is not long term partner or husband material.

IsItSummerSoon · 10/10/2025 09:04

I agree with others, don’t think it’s a problem as such that you didn’t know exactly how much money he has saved.

What is a huge issue is that he has let you pay for more than your fair share by implying he doesn’t have enough money to be able to contribute equally.

That to me is so wrong and I wouldn’t trust him again. It’s really low as well given you are financially supporting children too. Gross.

Lurkingandlearning · 10/10/2025 09:12

I wouldn’t be surprised if the woman who decided to lodge elsewhere discovered that he was expecting way too much from a lodger: paying more than 50% toward bills or something like that.

He sees his money that is invested as untouchable as it needs to remain in tact to produce the income that he lives off. If he isn’t going to work to supplement that passive income then he has chosen a lifestyle that is limited to what the passive investment income will provide.

Unless he can find a woman who will pay for him to enjoy things that are beyond his income. A lodger or a girlfriend maybe.

Does he actually have a job?

Kimura · 10/10/2025 09:14

If the renovations were purely to increase storage for you and your child moving in, presumably he wouldn't have had them done otherwise? If that's his reasoning though, he should have been upfront with you.

I expect when he says he's 'broke' he means that he's effectively living paycheck to paycheck and disregarding the inheritance/investments/whatever.

I knew someone in a similar position - they'd inherited £100k having previously had no savings and were terrified of touching it. It wasn't malicious, it was a mental block.

Of course he could just be taking the piss, but if you're serious about the relationship it's probably worth a conversation.

MostlyHappyMummy · 10/10/2025 09:15

Did he ask you to pay more than your share or pay for his renovations? Or just hint heavily?
It might be useful to reflect on why your boundaries around money and protecting yourself and children are so easily trampled to help you avoid this in the future.

rwalker · 10/10/2025 09:18

He’s doesn’t have free accessible cash it’s all invested

Onelifeonly · 10/10/2025 09:26

My view is he is entitled to sit on his savings but you shouldn't be supporting him with home improvements. As you are not yet married or living together, you should both be payng your own way, regardless of who earns more or less. I don't recall knowing the earnings / savings of the men I had relationships with before I got married. When I did get married, we set up a joint account.

LadyDanburysHat · 10/10/2025 09:38

FinallyHere · 10/10/2025 08:56

He asked me if I would pay a percentage of income instead of equal amounts

ooof. Yes, this is tricky to navigate. There is really nothing wrong with being careful so long as you both agree on your priorities.

id want to know a bit more about the renovations you funded ahead of moving in. Were they things he would benefit from and wanted anyway, but claimed he could not afford or things really just for you ? If he would not have paid for them then I can kind of see his point.

if you want to give the relationship any kind of chance, I’d start saving fiercely and then offer to contribute a percentage of net disposable income. And make sure with the savings that yours is less than his. If he is ok with that, I’d take it to be genuine carefulness rather CFery. I’d still probably think twice before living with someone so careful with their own finance.

He is talking percentage of income, and clearly not going to count his interest on his portfolio as income. Which is a rather large amount.

I'm with those who say they wouldn't continue with the relationship. He is tight and he is a user.

rainbowstardrops · 10/10/2025 09:38

I’d feel totally cheated and there’s no way I’d be taking the enormous step of moving my children in with him. He’s effectively lied by omission.

Original poster
Lyra74 · 10/10/2025 09:52

He has a job which earns him enough to live off. He's always had lodgers until recently which supplemented his income by around £750 a month. He has no children or dependents. His house is worth around 600k and he has a mortgage of around 70k. My mortgage since divorce is just less than £200k. He nevers asks for money. He just talks about how expensive everything is and how much he's spent which has made me want to help. He's wanted the storage sorted for ages, well before there was talk of me moving in. It's just become a little more pressing now. I didn't contribute a massive amount but the fact he took it whilst he knows I'm juggling kids rent payments does upset me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lyra74 · 10/10/2025 09:54

He told me he'd spent his inheritance on buying his house. So was dishonest about that. I've just asked him how much he has and he's now ignoring my messages.

OP posts:
shhblackbag · 10/10/2025 09:56

Lyra74 · 10/10/2025 09:54

He told me he'd spent his inheritance on buying his house. So was dishonest about that. I've just asked him how much he has and he's now ignoring my messages.

Surely you don't want to spend your life with a liar? Put your children first.

TwistedWonder · 10/10/2025 09:56

So asking again - are you going on the deeds to his house when you move in?
What are your plans for your home ?

Will any contribution to his home be ring fenced?

How will you ensure your DC inheritance is protected?

Hrs shown himself to be a liar who guilt trips you into bankrolling him - if you continue with the relationship then get watertight legal advice

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