Confused about money AIBU

[Lyra74]

I've been seeing partner nearly 2 years. Nearly all that time I've known I earn almost double on paper compared to him. Although after tax pension etc it isn't anywhere near double. I have 2 kids at uni and they live with me when home for the holidays. So quite large outgoings at the moment. I have around 11k in savings so doing ok but not rich by any means since my divorce.
My partner is careful with money and worries about it. So as time has gone on I've found myself paying much more than half of things which I didn't mind. And more recently I helped him out with some small renovations to his house, as I'm planning on moving in with him in the spring.
This week I found out he has £225k in savings and investments. Money he inherited when his dad died that he makes around 9% on each year.
I am honestly blown away. I thought he was broke apart from his property. His house is in a nice part of Cheshire but the kitchen is falling to pieces. Feeling a bit silly and not sure if I've been taken for a ride.

Indeed. There was a thread recently where the OP moved her bf into her home and his financial advisor told them best way to get a new mortgage was to put him on deeds as joint tenants - turns out this FA was the partners mate

You are not over reacting..
You say over time you've been paying much more than half of things...

Also how did you get the impression that you have double his income on paper... He did? Is that the excused used to get you to keep coughing up extra on a regular basis..... those costs mount up as he well knows.

Then he decided he wanted improvement to his home... so YOU have to pay for it, but that is over six months or more before you move in?

So he's claiming your income is double his (on paper, whatever that means!) and he knows

• you had £11k savings
• and are now expecting an inheritance...

but he's suggesting that you contribute proportionately to the bills etc via joint account when you move into his establishment (and your uni kids?)

When I first read that I assumed he was going to pay more than you, but now I think he's actually got the cheek to ask you for more instead of 50/50 / What would your legal status be? Lodger? Lodgers don't normally have to pay landlord to renovate facilities that add value to the property?

I think you really need to clarify the terms of this moving in arrangement...
are you just there to pay a large portion of his bills?

Will you still be expected to pay a greater share of outings/meals out / etc.
Presumably this means you'll be either renting or selling your current home if you own it... so add that to the inheritance pot he knows about?

I'd be thinking VERY seriously about getting my money back. And very very seriously about NOT moving in with him. You can't do proportional income contributions with people when you don't know what their real incomes are.

I don’t see a link?

let me guess. He said going through your mail is different?

Oh apologies here

No you're not in the wrong. You've only been seeing him for 6 months. Keep your personal private business to yourself. BUT why are you buying him clothes, food and toiletries? You're not his mum. How can he still be attractive in your eyes

The OP’s desperation to stay with him drips off every post.

No apology but I got my money back off him.

He has no respect for you, cross that you looked at the document when he goes through your post!

Well done. Any discussion about things, or are you just done?

Have you posted about his investments before? It sounds familiar.
Really if you are going to carry on seeing him, you need to protect yourself financially. Don’t sell your home. You also need to know all about his finances. If he can go through your mail, then you can go through his.

Good job getting your money back.

I hope you don't plan on still moving in with him, he's already controlling and has taken financial advantage of you.

You are not at all like OPs partner. While you have assets that you have kept private you are the one being fleeced.

It would have been fine if OPs partner had kept his savings private (in my opinion) if he wasn't trying to take advantage of OP - get her to pay more than 50:50 and accept her generosity paying towards his house renovations.

I think OP would be mad to give up her home and security to move her (adult) children in with a miser. I can already imagine the conversations they will need to have about OPs children using groceries that he has paid for or how OP will have to pay more for the heating bill because they have visited.

As the partner ramps up the meaness OP will be stuck like the boiling frog as she has rented out her house or even worse sold it.

I can't believe OP was ever in a position to pay more than her half of expenses even without the savings issue. Despite earning more OP has 2 children as uni and is helping with their rent as well as paying a 200k mortgage while the partner's mortgage is 70k.

OP if you still find this man remotely attractive then just date paying 50:50 and never give an inch on that. Never let your housing security or your kids inheritance be in his power.

Because women get caught out on this every year…move in with a BF, and all of a sudden their kids get less because partners’ income counts. Don’t ever move in with a partner if you have uni-aged kids or soon-to-be uni kids (unless they already get the minimum loan anyway).

It's true. Just happened to me. Then we broke up and they reassessed.

No matter that he contributed nothing to my kids (not his kids).

The system is insane. As if a BF would contribute to the uni costs of a GF’s 18yo+ kids’ uni costs!!!

Absolutely.

He is actually a scammer isn't he?

Same here. DP moved in with me and dc now gets minimum loan.

DP pays nothing towards dc either (not their dad) but he now makes up the difference to what the loan would have been if he wasn’t here, I contribute the rest. He’s not happy but if he wants to live here … 🤷🏼‍♀️

Op it’s definitely something to consider if you haven’t already decided to change your plans to move in or remain in the relationship. Which I sincerely hope you have. This man doesn’t have your back.

I think I also remember an almost identical thread, possibly about a year ago.

He comes to your house and goes through your post? Why would you put up with that?
Please tell a relative that you trust and also your children about this.

Does he do this in front of you?
or did you see him doing it?
or Did he ask your permission?

That is such a huge financial risk. A person who has access to your post could mine it for all your account details for all sorts of things and take out credit in your name.

Stop asking him for financial advice and see an independent financial advisor instead. NEVER use his "financial advisor" that would be crazy.

He could be completely genuine.. or he could have showed you his "portfolio" and deliberately left you alone with it so that you would peek and think his "investments" were doing really well.

He already knows you have 1) an income, 2) 11k savings, 3) an inheritance on the way and also 4) possibly a lot of equity in your house - if he had seen your mortgage statement he'd know exactly how much cash you are likely to have if you sell.

Put your post away and have a lock for your filing cabinet. Change your passwords and run a credit check above all tell your family.

If you have two DC at uni... they will be there for 3 to 4 years. They will still need a home between terms. When they graduate they may want to do further training or it may take a long time to find permanent jobs on starter salaries with student debt. There's a housing crisis. They may need to stay with you for a while, whilst they get on their feet and save up to pay for their own place. up to two years is not unrealistic in this day and age.

Why would you give up your home, which will appreciate in value, to start subsidising someone else's home "proportionate to income" when you could use that money to start paying down your own mortgage instead and keep some security for yourself and your DC? If you have to move, don't sell your house - rent it out.

Run away and change all your passwords.

he has money coz your paying the lions share of meals out and investing in renovations in his house.

cut ties or keep finances separate. Don’t get joint account and if you decide to move in then either you are on the mortgage and deeds for the amount you contribute or you don’t pay mortgage and pay 50% of bills

I would ask him for the money that you invested into his house, otherwise you will make a claim for the house 😂 honestly. This man is financially abusing you.
You could go to court to claim back the money you invested since you only did so because he misled you into believing he had no money.

Ask him for your money back. Unless your name is on those deeds, you shouldn’t be covering extensions or renovations. He has the funds to do it. You haven’t even moved in yet. He is absolutely taking you for a ride.
You can’t live with a man who has lied about money and misled you to a point of manipulating you into paying for his home renovations.
His kitchen is falling apart.. are you expected to cover that also? No man.
He owes you the funds you put into his house, and you owe him nothing moving forward. Keep your finances separate and stop paying more for things. Guaranteed there’s more money he’s not telling you about, ie income, and he will continue to leech off you.
My ex pleaded poverty for years. He bankrupted me. We split and he bought a Lamborghini urus and then spent over £20k on holidays in 4 months. These men aren’t skint. They’re abusers.
We have a child btw. Now we live 200 miles away from and he’s paying his way finally.
I took him to court for what he owed me in debts and maintenance payments. We’re doing well now he’s not draining my bank account

I’ve read through some comments and I have to say, this man is 100% abusing you. There’s so much gaslighting going on it’s unreal. Demand he repays you the money or you’ll apply it as a debt to his name and go to court. Tell him that what he’s done is financial abuse and you could have him prosecuted. Remind him that he’s frequently gone through your post and your private financial documents, with intentions to abuse you and control you. He has lied about his financial situation and has manipulated you into paying for renovations for his home when you aren’t even living there. Tell him he needs to send you the money immediately to prevent further prosecution. If he doesn’t, you may file a report for coercive control and financial abuse with the police.
if he comes and says you are blackmailing him, tell him that asking someone to be honest and repay money they took from you dishonestly or face the legal consequences is not blackmail. But he’s welcome to contact the police for the support in the matter to save you making that first call. (My ex said that, I recorded all these calls. He paid the money when he received the court filing. The interest amount alone was nearly double what the money he owed me was as it went back 5 years 😂)
the law is on your side here. You easily have a strong civil claim and you sue him for coercive control and financial abuse, you can claim more back than just the renovation amount.
time to show him you mean business. Then cut him the fk off and keep him out your life.
if anyone says anything to you about it, tell them that he lied and manipulated you to no end, scamming you out of your hard earned money while lying about his own. He broke the law, you just asked him for your money back.

@Lyra74 he is a lier a user and a small time con man .
He hated you to move in for financial means.
Joint bank accounts seriously ?

Op you are better of without him . He has shown you who he really is.
End it .
Ptotect yourself and your kids. .