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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Confused about money AIBU

281 replies

Lyra74 · 10/10/2025 07:58

I've been seeing partner nearly 2 years. Nearly all that time I've known I earn almost double on paper compared to him. Although after tax pension etc it isn't anywhere near double. I have 2 kids at uni and they live with me when home for the holidays. So quite large outgoings at the moment. I have around 11k in savings so doing ok but not rich by any means since my divorce.
My partner is careful with money and worries about it. So as time has gone on I've found myself paying much more than half of things which I didn't mind. And more recently I helped him out with some small renovations to his house, as I'm planning on moving in with him in the spring.
This week I found out he has £225k in savings and investments. Money he inherited when his dad died that he makes around 9% on each year.
I am honestly blown away. I thought he was broke apart from his property. His house is in a nice part of Cheshire but the kitchen is falling to pieces. Feeling a bit silly and not sure if I've been taken for a ride.

OP posts:
Moveoverdarlin · 11/10/2025 15:49

Lyra74 · 10/10/2025 08:34

He didn't tell me how much. He just showed me the first couple of pages. I asked him how much and he wouldn't say. I did a bad thing and looked when he popped out. Just needed to know the truth as moving in with him with my kids is a massive thing.

This will be the tip of the iceberg, he’ll have loads of other investments and savings accounts squirrelled away. People like him always do.

diddl · 11/10/2025 15:50

The guy goes through my post every time he visits and knows everything about my finances.

Just get rid!

Starlight7080 · 11/10/2025 15:53

Given the age i suspect you both are around I think you need to be a lot more careful with your private information.
Why does he read your post/private papers . And have the details of your income and so on.
You need to protect yourself for the future and your children.
Is he happy for them to live with you both ?
Can you really live with someone who keeps secrets from you?
Its ok to not offer full disclosure when it comes to savings. But to then get you to pay for things in his house is just cheap and very selfish .

Nanny0gg · 11/10/2025 16:00

Lyra74 · 10/10/2025 08:35

Feeling sick to my stomach right now. Not sure if I'm over reacting but doesn't feel good.

As it shouldn't

He's taken you for a fool

Stop it now (and see if there's any chance you can get any back)

MyDandyUmberDuck · 11/10/2025 16:03

I understand wanting to protect his savings in a relationship. However he has taken it too far. You should not be paying for work to a property you do not own and you shouldn’t be paying towards the mortgage. All other bills I have no problem being split based on %age income but he needs to include interest on his investment account as part of that calculation. Why does he go through your mail? That’s weird and nosey.

AgnesX · 11/10/2025 16:09

Given his behaviour to date, I'll reiterate tightness (aka being "careful") is really unattractive. It has a habit of leaking into other parts of family life as time goes on.

I really wouldn't give up your independence for this man.

Pinkiefive · 11/10/2025 16:11

Lyra74 · 11/10/2025 10:49

So the truth is, as far as I know, he does have £223k in savings and investments and he also has a private pension with around 100k in it, the latter he had told me about. He's now taking time out to un muddle his head and is ignoring my messages. As he's shocked that I went through his private things. The guy goes through my post every time he visits and knows everything about my finances.

Nope! The guy just doesn't like being caught out!

He's tight as a duck's arse and will probably question everything you spend money on in the long run, leading to a miserable existence.

As for repeatedly reading your post, I'm astounded. Who does he think he is?

The fact that he's been deliberately deceiving you and outright lying would mean that he'd be gone if it was me. You won't be able to trust him again.

Good job you found out now before moving in with him.

Also, with the renter's rights bill coming, I would not be renting out my property. I've been a landlord for my own property that I used to live in. It's very hard to make any money out of it or even break even. It cost me more than I was getting in for the last 18 months. And it's very stressful if something goes wrong and you need to get it fixed.

My tenants had the oven go on them two days before Christmas even though it was only a few years old. It was a nightmare trying to get hold of a new one so close to Christmas. I tried but I couldn't do it in the end, even if I'd picked one up, there was no electrician available to install it. The earliest I could get it fitted was a week or so later.

Thankfully it was only one part of the oven so they did have one to use and the hob.

Things always seemed to go wrong around bank holidays. I had two plumbers look at the boiler as that kept seeming to go wrong and neither of them could find anything wrong. I had the gas safety done without fail and a service done every year.

One of the plumbers said to me that the way the tenants were talking was that they seemed to be angling for a new boiler to be fitted. I used that boiler myself for another year with no problems whatsoever!

Owning only one property that you're renting out isn't worth it imo.

ErniesGhostlyGoldTops · 11/10/2025 16:16

Thatmoves · 10/10/2025 08:00

And I need to know where he makes 9% a year!!!

I have two investments. I am making 12.23% on one and 19.01 % on the other but I invested a long time ago.

People I know are making far more than me.

KmcK87 · 11/10/2025 16:20

Oh no OP what an ick. That’s not acceptable behaviour. I think your life would be very miserable if you moved in with this man.

ErniesGhostlyGoldTops · 11/10/2025 16:21

Lyra74 · 10/10/2025 09:52

He has a job which earns him enough to live off. He's always had lodgers until recently which supplemented his income by around £750 a month. He has no children or dependents. His house is worth around 600k and he has a mortgage of around 70k. My mortgage since divorce is just less than £200k. He nevers asks for money. He just talks about how expensive everything is and how much he's spent which has made me want to help. He's wanted the storage sorted for ages, well before there was talk of me moving in. It's just become a little more pressing now. I didn't contribute a massive amount but the fact he took it whilst he knows I'm juggling kids rent payments does upset me.

Upset? I would go nuclear! I had an ex that did this but to a much lower degree in that he saw a briefcase he wanted but didn't have his wallet so I put it on my credit card.

Nutshell - he refused to pay insisting it was a gift when it damn well wasn't. I took some of his precious things from his house and kept them until he paid me and I gave them back and dumped him.

@Lyra74 this is the most basic level of dishonestly.

WildUmberCrow · 11/10/2025 16:31

Lyra74 · 11/10/2025 10:49

So the truth is, as far as I know, he does have £223k in savings and investments and he also has a private pension with around 100k in it, the latter he had told me about. He's now taking time out to un muddle his head and is ignoring my messages. As he's shocked that I went through his private things. The guy goes through my post every time he visits and knows everything about my finances.

If the report you were looking at is from his financial advisers, it's entirely possible they will have included that pension of £100k into the total of £223k. Mine do that. Giving a grand total of investions and pensions - i.e. how much he has available to him in various forms. So if he says he has a £100k approx in investments he could be telling you the truth.

oldmoaner · 11/10/2025 17:10

Could it be that his money is tied up, in investments for a certain number of years? What happens if you move in with him and your money gets tied up in investments, would you then be paying the majority of mortgage, bills etc and be unable to help your children? If he's got money, especially such a large amount why in earth has he got a mortgage? Surely interest rate in mortgage is more than he gets on his investments? I think sine straight talking needs to be done OR don't move in.

Helpmefindmysoul · 11/10/2025 17:11

I don’t think you should move in with him.
Put yourself and your children first. Whatever extra you have monetary wise invest / save it for your children.
You should like you’re independent and capable, moving in with him sounds like it might hold you back in not just financial terms but also part of your personality in order to appease him.

TinyFlamingo · 11/10/2025 17:18

Absolutely not!!!

No wonder you feel sick. Being taken advantage of in this way and taking your generosity while he's being ungenerous is gaulling.

The cheek of him expecting you to pay his mortgage and a % proportion of income.
His savings, income and salary vs your salary what percentage is that, minus the mortgage is your contribution (if you moved in).

You okay a bit more electricity and gas and food when kids are home other than that flat all the way.

This is mute, please don't move in with him, please get your renovation money back and please don't let him deny/minimize your feelings.

A friend had me buy lunch every day as she had no money, we ate it at hers, over 2 years it was probably 500 quid? 1000? Who knows. Years later I found out she had a stipend from her mum and dad which he banked, while I someone really poor, had no help from parents and esrnt my money I spent while she had no job, and it felt vile. I could have used that money at uni fending for myself. I couldn't continue the friendship.

It doesn't feel good, because it isn't good, it doesn't meet your values, it isn't kind and it's not how someone treats a partner. He's a taker and a user, and you deserve so much better x

Phoenixfire1988 · 11/10/2025 17:22

Lyra74 · 10/10/2025 08:35

Feeling sick to my stomach right now. Not sure if I'm over reacting but doesn't feel good.

It would be the end of the relationship for me I'm afraid he's well and truly taken the piss out of you id absolutely not be moving in with this man

IsthataYes · 11/10/2025 17:28

Hi op how tricky !!
On the one hand I completey understand how you feel but also that' for him that's not much of a pension he's looking at .
The general rule is Investments CAN double every seven years and from that pot you can skim about 4% off a year and still retain the capital amount. .
So if that's his pension he would be perhaps looking to draw on it per year ?

This is his chance of some financial stability .
Having said that if you carry on with him you both need to be honest about finances and expectations .

You won't be an unpaid cleaner ,cook ,decorator and mortgage payer and meet his sexual desires to boot

You are not a lodger
Maybe discuses having a cleaner etc.

IsthataYes · 11/10/2025 17:29
  • £8' 800 a year he would be looking at
Salome61 · 11/10/2025 17:34

So very sorry, it would be over for me, what a bastard. There is a horrible saying 'a fool and his money are easily parted' - his parents obviously told him this. The more you spent, the more he saves. Horrible.

I have recently been hoodwinked and it is a horrible feeling, so I do feel for you. I befriended an old lady who constantly said she didn't have much money so I paid for everything, coffees, lunches, you name it I was there paying. She died recently and I was upset at the way her family just ignored me so I downloaded her will. She left £325K. What a mug I was.

PhuckTrump · 11/10/2025 17:38

Lyra74 · 10/10/2025 08:34

He didn't tell me how much. He just showed me the first couple of pages. I asked him how much and he wouldn't say. I did a bad thing and looked when he popped out. Just needed to know the truth as moving in with him with my kids is a massive thing.

I haven’t RTFT…do your kids get the minimum loan? If not, his income will count toward their loan eligibility, and they may end up with less?

ButSheSaid · 11/10/2025 17:40

PhuckTrump · 11/10/2025 17:38

I haven’t RTFT…do your kids get the minimum loan? If not, his income will count toward their loan eligibility, and they may end up with less?

Why do you think a boyfriends income will impact OPs kids uni loan?

StoorieHoose · 11/10/2025 17:47

ButSheSaid · 11/10/2025 17:40

Why do you think a boyfriends income will impact OPs kids uni loan?

Student loan is based on household income. They may just be eligible for the minimum loan if she was to move in with him

YerArseInParsley · 11/10/2025 17:52

Lyra74 · 10/10/2025 08:13

He suggested we have a joint bank account when I move in to cover mortgage and bills etc. He asked me if I'd pay a percentage of income rather than equal amounts. I'm feeling really stupid. I'm buying things second hand off vinted whilst he buys new for himself.
He says he can't spend the money as hasnt a big enough income to replace it.

A percentage of your income, i hope you told him no?

So you will be contributing to the mortgage. Is your name going on it?

AC246 · 11/10/2025 17:54

OneCraftyHedgehog · 11/10/2025 14:06

Im kind of in the opposite position. I have large savings that i haven't disclosed to anyone because im worried people will freeload off me. My new partner (6 months) is not financially secure at all and lets me pay for things saying he'll pay me back (his food shopping, clothes, toiletries) then doesnt pay me even when asked instead saying I can afford it. I dont like this so I can't/don't share what I actually have. He knows my salary and thats it. Am I in the wrong here? Ive never lied, just not disclosed?

Why are you allowing this loser use you?

Do the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk....your boundaries are poor hence why you are with a loser.

The OP has poor boundaries too, she allows him go through her post.

We teach people how to treat us.

littlemisspigg · 11/10/2025 17:56

Lyra74 · 10/10/2025 08:05

My Dad died recently and I'm getting a little bit of inheritance, nothing like what he has. So I was wondering where to put the money. He showed me his portfolio of overseas investments that a financial advisor manages for him 😵‍💫

Careful OP.... I'd do my own research on this 'financial advisor' of his. Don't take your partner's word for it...

YerArseInParsley · 11/10/2025 17:58

@OneCraftyHedgehog

Get rid of that guy now. You know you'll never get the money back so why do you keep doing it.

It's really unattractive of a man that can freeload off a woman especially one that's only been with him 6 months.

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