Confused about money AIBU

[Lyra74]

I've been seeing partner nearly 2 years. Nearly all that time I've known I earn almost double on paper compared to him. Although after tax pension etc it isn't anywhere near double. I have 2 kids at uni and they live with me when home for the holidays. So quite large outgoings at the moment. I have around 11k in savings so doing ok but not rich by any means since my divorce.
My partner is careful with money and worries about it. So as time has gone on I've found myself paying much more than half of things which I didn't mind. And more recently I helped him out with some small renovations to his house, as I'm planning on moving in with him in the spring.
This week I found out he has £225k in savings and investments. Money he inherited when his dad died that he makes around 9% on each year.
I am honestly blown away. I thought he was broke apart from his property. His house is in a nice part of Cheshire but the kitchen is falling to pieces. Feeling a bit silly and not sure if I've been taken for a ride.

OPs so desperate to be in a relationship, any relationship that they dish out money / sex / time to the detriment of themselves and their children?

About two dozen threads in this vein started daily on mumsnet

depressinf

He goes through your post?! Wtf.

Do not move in with him. Do not spend another £ on him or in his presence that he benefits from.

Do you really want to stay with someone even who is happy to leave you and your kids short changed like this? He knew all about your finances. He KNEW what he was doing. It's really cold and mean of him.

He sounds selfish Op. I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all, if it were me I’d feel I’d been had. Sorry.

Never lose any assets just for some man. Safeguard your property and independence as your number one priority.

Why would you want to get entangled in drudgery and finances with the man? Just enjoy dating, no need to get involved in housework or money chats.

After being taken for a ride by my previous partner, I'd say there's no getting over this. He's taking you for a mug. You've also paid for work to a house which you have no financial interest in. Run.

stocks - my stocks and shares isa has returned 10% on average

Un muddle his head?? He’s just pissed he’s been found out and trying to place the blame back at you, by painting himself as the victim around you looking at his things. Don’t fall for it op, keep discussing the actual problems and don’t get dragged into the ‘you looked at my stuff’ etc

Self invested?

He knows he’s in the wrong as he’s refused to tell you how much he has. He’s been manipulating the situation to his advantage. What a horrid situation

Women should not be bailing men out financially. Men are supposed to be providers so if he cannot contribute at least equally to this relationship then he is simply taking advantage of you.
The fact he has been sneaky around divulging his savings/investments is a huge red flag, please do not move in with him & I’d even ask for the money back that you’ve given him for renovations.
He has shown you who he really is now, ignore it and it will only bite you again later on,

I want to know where he's getting 9% on his savings! Please tell.

Me too!

How much did you pay for the renovation.

That makes me think it's financial abuse. I'd bin him off tbh. If he can't be truthful about finances he's not going to be truthful about anything of any import.

I think I'd be feeling the same as you OP. It might be worth working on your confidence in talking about money as part of a couple, for this relationship or in the future. There are plenty of free resources like the Ramit Sethi talking with couples on YouTube (I love how he goes through the CSPs woth coiples) or the free Rebel Finance School course offered by The Donegans (also on YouTube), one week they do is about conversations. Communication around money is so important.

I don’t think it’s totally wrong to not confess to you his investments as apparently he’s not hiding it (he showed you his portfolio when you asked his advise). But it’s not right for him to let you pay proportionally for bills and mortgages and renovations for his house. You’ve only been together for 2 years you said so it’s not surprising to have separate financial accounts and a fair share of costs

Can’t believe some people here are still writing as if there’s any hope for this relationship. It’s not a matter of not moving in, it’s a matter of getting far away from that evil man who played the poor little boy to OP’s sympathies while sitting on huge stashes of cash. What an unattractive, mean, gaslighting miser. Not a second more with him!

This is horrible isn't it. I mean I get if the relationship was new, he might not want to share how fucking minted he is, but he's willfully let you pay for stuff. And he's now straight up lying/refusing to tell you things.

The only way is to walk away with dignity. Else you'd just be trying to get him to pay you back when he clearly is too selfish and greedy.

No one more than the OP is hoping that this farce of a relationship limps on

Index funds - weighted more towards us markets than uk/eu/row. Average return of S&P500 is 11% over past 20 years.

Not quite

The average annual return of the S&P 500 over the last 20 years (from 2004 to 2024) is approximately 8.4%, which adjusts to about 5.7% when accounting for inflation

This will never ever be an equal relationship. How can you ever trust him when he's been sitting on wads of cash, letting you bankroll the stuff he doesn't want to pay for in his own home?

I never cease to be amazed at the willingness of people male and female to move in together. Often at the expense of their children and their relationship with and funding of them.

Why is this?

What sort of man allows someone he loves to put herself at a financial disadvantage for his benefit while he’s sitting on a pile of money and could easily afford it? What a shit.

I know there are posts in a similar vein to this but I remember reading one almost identical. Down to the OP seeing the investments/money on a laptop and the blokes mother due to leave yet more money.

The Op in that post was buying food for the man and even accepting charity shop gifts as she thought he was very poor. Turned out he wasn’t. He was working part time in IT so he could do his house out.

Maybe it’s the same man 😳.