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Original poster

Confused about money AIBU

281 replies

Lyra74 · 10/10/2025 07:58

I've been seeing partner nearly 2 years. Nearly all that time I've known I earn almost double on paper compared to him. Although after tax pension etc it isn't anywhere near double. I have 2 kids at uni and they live with me when home for the holidays. So quite large outgoings at the moment. I have around 11k in savings so doing ok but not rich by any means since my divorce.
My partner is careful with money and worries about it. So as time has gone on I've found myself paying much more than half of things which I didn't mind. And more recently I helped him out with some small renovations to his house, as I'm planning on moving in with him in the spring.
This week I found out he has £225k in savings and investments. Money he inherited when his dad died that he makes around 9% on each year.
I am honestly blown away. I thought he was broke apart from his property. His house is in a nice part of Cheshire but the kitchen is falling to pieces. Feeling a bit silly and not sure if I've been taken for a ride.

OP posts:
NoMonNoFunx · 10/10/2025 14:57

Lyra74 · 10/10/2025 08:35

Feeling sick to my stomach right now. Not sure if I'm over reacting but doesn't feel good.

I’d be totally gutted tbh.

Icanttakethisanymore · 10/10/2025 15:09

Lyra74 · 10/10/2025 14:09

Maybe the £223k was a projection for the future retirement??

If it's just a portfolio of investments then it would be unusual for a statement to be quoting projected values unless it's part of a broader financial planning report which would require caveats and assumptions etc.

Some people always moan about how expensive stuff is. My mum has money (not much but money saved that she doesn't 'need' and doesn't dip into for her spending) and she is terrible at spending it. The difference is, she wouldn't take money from me in a million years. I'd be upset that he has taken my money and allowed me to pay extra for stuff without being open and honest about the situation. I'd also be upset now that he is being secretive but wants a 'proportional' split on finances. Either go 50/50 or you need transparency. I'd feel pretty upset that he basically seems to be looking out for himself rather than thinking about what is fair for you too.

justhomeshortly · 10/10/2025 15:25

The issue isn’t the money but his attitude around it.

  1. Has allowed you to contribute to an improvement of his home (despite knowing you don’t have much disposable income).
  2. Has quite happily allowed you to pay more than 50% on shared expenses as it suited him for you to believe he was broke
  3. Is quite likely minimising his actual savings now, presumably because he’s worried you’ll start to want something from him.

I think that if you’re partners (preparing to live with each other), you have to be transparent about finances and then work out a fair way of splitting expenses that both sides are happy with. He’s coming across as really tight-fisted and secretive and both of those things are red flags for me.

Nearly50omg · 10/10/2025 15:39

I’d send him a message telling him he needs to send the £ you have paid out for HIS house to this bank account number. It’s for work on HIS house and unless he’s putting you on the deeds of his house then he pays for all renovation work and maintain his house NOT you!!!

he most likely also has savings accounts and other stocks and shares stashed somewhere. The financial adviser will have advised this and it’s another place to hide money and also make more ££ on the money that’s in there

Don’t trust this leech anymore and whatever you do don’t move in with him!! The only time you would pay a % of income instead of 50/50 is when you are married and share everything else including the house!!!

user1471538283 · 10/10/2025 15:45

I'd want my money back and I'd knock this on the head. He's been lying by omission. How dare he play you like this!

Bananalanacake · 10/10/2025 17:14

Well don't move in with him then.

Lifeislove · 10/10/2025 20:04

Lyra74 · 10/10/2025 13:20

He's replied says he has about 100k. The report value was £223k?? Says he needs a new roof and a car so has to be careful as can't replace it. His roof is fine.

He's lying to you. I assume he doesn't know you flipped the page and saw the total sum,
He's a man that's chosen to lie.

This is where you're bad gut feeling and a coming from.

Subwaystop · 10/10/2025 20:26

So sorry op! That would be it for me, with the whole relationship. You showed you cared about him while he showed he was willing to use you to his selfish ends. You seem good hearted and solid and deserve someone who is invested in growing old happily with you - to raise each other up. This is hard, but better to know now than later. Wishing you the best 💐

whimsicallyprickly · 10/10/2025 20:30

You can't trust him

Do not spend any more money on him, do not move in with him, do not buy a house with him, do not rent a house with him. Keep finances separate

Mewling · 10/10/2025 21:09

He’s probably hoping you’ll move in and look after his elderly mum, too.

outerspacepotato · 10/10/2025 21:29

Didn't you say the kitchen is a disaster? There's more renovation expense.

You need to sit down with a professional financial advisor and set up some goals for yourself and a plan to achieve those.

AC246 · 11/10/2025 10:46

Before you finish with him, get the money back.
You can bet he will be planning on using you to care for his mother.

Original poster
Lyra74 · 11/10/2025 10:49

So the truth is, as far as I know, he does have £223k in savings and investments and he also has a private pension with around 100k in it, the latter he had told me about. He's now taking time out to un muddle his head and is ignoring my messages. As he's shocked that I went through his private things. The guy goes through my post every time he visits and knows everything about my finances.

OP posts:
Zempy · 11/10/2025 10:51

Bin him. Seriously.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/10/2025 10:55

Maybe if he can ignore your messages you can do the same in kind by ignoring him and no longer giving him headspace . He’s lied and played you throughout all this and likely targeted you because you’re a single parent. These type of miserly men think that such women are so desperate for make company that they would put up with any old shit.

rainbowstardrops · 11/10/2025 10:55

Lyra74 · 11/10/2025 10:49

So the truth is, as far as I know, he does have £223k in savings and investments and he also has a private pension with around 100k in it, the latter he had told me about. He's now taking time out to un muddle his head and is ignoring my messages. As he's shocked that I went through his private things. The guy goes through my post every time he visits and knows everything about my finances.

He goes through your post??? He’s sounding worse with every update!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/10/2025 10:55

Yep one rule for him, quite another one for you.

Mum2twoandacockapoo · 11/10/2025 11:06

The red flags are literally glistening in the wind blowing about . Avoid this like the plague. I can’t stand tight people personally . Yeah it’s nice to have money but to lie about it to your partner … no way . Run …. You can’t trust him .

Thundertoast · 11/10/2025 11:11

Lyra74 · 11/10/2025 10:49

So the truth is, as far as I know, he does have £223k in savings and investments and he also has a private pension with around 100k in it, the latter he had told me about. He's now taking time out to un muddle his head and is ignoring my messages. As he's shocked that I went through his private things. The guy goes through my post every time he visits and knows everything about my finances.

How did you react to that, the first time he did that? What did you say, what did he say?

DorothyStorm · 11/10/2025 11:13

Lyra74 · 11/10/2025 10:49

So the truth is, as far as I know, he does have £223k in savings and investments and he also has a private pension with around 100k in it, the latter he had told me about. He's now taking time out to un muddle his head and is ignoring my messages. As he's shocked that I went through his private things. The guy goes through my post every time he visits and knows everything about my finances.

youve given a man you are not married to and nit living with access to all your private affairs? Stop that immediately. He has lied to you and is taking advantage of you financially. You do nit trust him and rightly so. He feels betrayed that you did to him what he regularly does to you.

this is going nowhere. Do not sell your home. Stop giving him money. Do not invest any more in his house. You are not married, you are not living together, you have no children together why would you contribute more to things?

ForTipsyFinch · 11/10/2025 11:19

Lyra74 · 11/10/2025 10:49

So the truth is, as far as I know, he does have £223k in savings and investments and he also has a private pension with around 100k in it, the latter he had told me about. He's now taking time out to un muddle his head and is ignoring my messages. As he's shocked that I went through his private things. The guy goes through my post every time he visits and knows everything about my finances.

He goes through your post? What a weirdo.

BuckChuckets · 11/10/2025 11:29

Lyra74 · 10/10/2025 14:09

Maybe the £223k was a projection for the future retirement??

You need to tell him you saw the figure and find out for definite. If you don't, you won't be able to carry on in the relationship anyway, because you'd be distrustful (understandably!).

Edit - sorry, it seems you've already done this!

Frankenpug23 · 11/10/2025 11:32

This would be a deal breaker for me - I would be really upset and pissed off, and would feel that he has definitely taken advantage.

I would be asking for the renovation money back and if you stay with him you need to be clear this is not ok - there are no joint accounts, you pay equal for the bills (I am assuming he is not putting your name on the mortgage so I would be saying no to 50% of that). Please delay moving in and go back to 50:50 split on outings.

I have just read that he goes through your post wtf - how dare he. You deserve better than this controlling, arrogant man.

TwistedWonder · 11/10/2025 11:37

Lyra74 · 11/10/2025 10:49

So the truth is, as far as I know, he does have £223k in savings and investments and he also has a private pension with around 100k in it, the latter he had told me about. He's now taking time out to un muddle his head and is ignoring my messages. As he's shocked that I went through his private things. The guy goes through my post every time he visits and knows everything about my finances.

In other words, you caught him out and he needs time to come up with another lie so that he can keep freeloading off of you.

Take away his power to call the shots and dump his cocklodging arse.

As for him reading your post - wtaf??

Nosdacariad · 11/10/2025 11:39

Lyra74 · 11/10/2025 10:49

So the truth is, as far as I know, he does have £223k in savings and investments and he also has a private pension with around 100k in it, the latter he had told me about. He's now taking time out to un muddle his head and is ignoring my messages. As he's shocked that I went through his private things. The guy goes through my post every time he visits and knows everything about my finances.

So he is disappointingly not being present for you and the going through his things comment is a redherring. He got the doc out to show you.