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Original poster

Confused about money AIBU

281 replies

Lyra74 · 10/10/2025 07:58

I've been seeing partner nearly 2 years. Nearly all that time I've known I earn almost double on paper compared to him. Although after tax pension etc it isn't anywhere near double. I have 2 kids at uni and they live with me when home for the holidays. So quite large outgoings at the moment. I have around 11k in savings so doing ok but not rich by any means since my divorce.
My partner is careful with money and worries about it. So as time has gone on I've found myself paying much more than half of things which I didn't mind. And more recently I helped him out with some small renovations to his house, as I'm planning on moving in with him in the spring.
This week I found out he has £225k in savings and investments. Money he inherited when his dad died that he makes around 9% on each year.
I am honestly blown away. I thought he was broke apart from his property. His house is in a nice part of Cheshire but the kitchen is falling to pieces. Feeling a bit silly and not sure if I've been taken for a ride.

OP posts:
Lifeislove · 11/10/2025 11:45

Lyra74 · 11/10/2025 10:49

So the truth is, as far as I know, he does have £223k in savings and investments and he also has a private pension with around 100k in it, the latter he had told me about. He's now taking time out to un muddle his head and is ignoring my messages. As he's shocked that I went through his private things. The guy goes through my post every time he visits and knows everything about my finances.

Bit of a DARVO attitude going on here. He's now acting all upset/ victim for you clicking to the next page on an open document?

Reminds me of my XH when I finally got definitive proof of his 18 mth affair by going into his 'phone (in the middle of the night ) after denying, lying etc and saying that there was nothing going on. So upset I 'invaded his privacy'?!

He wanted to take 'legal action' against me for doing an 'illegal thing' 🙄.

Honestly, if a man is behaving like this over finances that are soon to be blended in some way just step back a bit.
It'd be slightly different if you were also secretive about your own but he checks your post? Not good OP.

Homegrownberries · 11/10/2025 11:51

Don't move in. This isn't headed anywhere good. He's been letting you pay for things for him while knowing that he has a large nest egg and fewer outgoings than you. It probably doesn't matter whether he has deliberately taken you for a ride. Deliberate or not, he's not a very nice person.

zaxxon · 11/10/2025 11:53

What an arse.

But before you dump him, would you mind getting all the details of his 9% portfolio, and posting them here? ta!

AC246 · 11/10/2025 11:54

He's lying mean scum that has taken advantage of you financially, a single mother.

If you have an ounce of self respect you will ask him to reimburse you.

No way would I let the money go.

thebear1 · 11/10/2025 12:04

If you still want to live with him I'd say you will contribute the same amount until you have built the same savings pot. No way would I pay more because income is higher when partner has huge savings.

SandStormNorm · 11/10/2025 12:17

I am in the high income bracket and have a lot of capital/ assets. It isn't a subject for a first date, but soon enough suitors have come to understand that I have a fortunate financial position. I am single now because I don't want a relationship. It causes so many problems when you have money. They all wanted to drag me down the aisle at break neck speed or buy houses together etc. Is this because I am a ravishing goddess who they cannot imagine being without...or because I am being lined up as a nurse with a purse who pays for more than their fair share? Over to you, be grateful he showed you who he really is before you lived with him. He is mugging you and your kids off in a shameless way. If he lies about money, he will lie about other stuff too. You shouldn't be spending money on houses you have no legal interest in. That money is for yourself and your children, and you have low savings. Once he has you in his house, it will easier for him to exploit you thinking you won't want the hassle of moving out. All those bills and renovations you will pay for, yet have no legal claim on the house if it all goes pear shaped or he dies. Put a padlock around your purse and your heart strings, and run now as there is nothing worse than a tight man who is looking for a sponsor.

AC246 · 11/10/2025 12:29

I would be telling him he repays the money he fraudulently got from you or you will see a solicitor to put a lean on his house.

I presume you have paper proof of the money you gave him?
Bank transfer?

You should be furious that he has ripped you and your children off.

maxybrown · 11/10/2025 12:29

I would say block him and thank your lucky stars you found out now! What a total narcissistic arsehole. Please do not move yourself and kids in. Remove this stress from your life. He does not care about you one jot. I hope you're ok

Thatmoves · 11/10/2025 12:35

Lyra74 · 11/10/2025 10:49

So the truth is, as far as I know, he does have £223k in savings and investments and he also has a private pension with around 100k in it, the latter he had told me about. He's now taking time out to un muddle his head and is ignoring my messages. As he's shocked that I went through his private things. The guy goes through my post every time he visits and knows everything about my finances.

Why on earth are you messaging him op?

This is silly. You seem to still want to be with him!

LifeInAHamsterWheel · 11/10/2025 12:36

Lyra74 · 10/10/2025 08:35

Feeling sick to my stomach right now. Not sure if I'm over reacting but doesn't feel good.

Trust your gut OP. And be glad that you've had this feeling now and not after you've uprooted yourself and your children's lives for this man.

Thatmoves · 11/10/2025 12:37

The guy goes through my post every time he visits and knows everything about my finances.

OP what kind of a benchmark do you have for a man? It would seem it is in the gutter.

You have children FGS!! They could have done with the money more than your new boyfriend for his renovations.

Seriously OP

Sandy483 · 11/10/2025 12:42

You need to unmuddle your head OP and dump this liar!

TwistedWonder · 11/10/2025 12:43

Thatmoves · 11/10/2025 12:37

The guy goes through my post every time he visits and knows everything about my finances.

OP what kind of a benchmark do you have for a man? It would seem it is in the gutter.

You have children FGS!! They could have done with the money more than your new boyfriend for his renovations.

Seriously OP

Agree either way this. Invariably these threads where the OP claims her partner is great other than this one tiny thing the drip feed starts and it turns out that one thing ages started thread about is tip of the iceberg.

Please don’t try and contact him - he wants you to chase him. If you continue with him after this you’re showing him there’s no consequences to his lies.

Unfortunately unless he willingly pays you back for the renovations, you don’t have a legal leg to stand on as you handed it over

BaileyHorse · 11/10/2025 13:04

Have you spoken to him about it? What has he said?

if you’ve not spoken to him that needs to be your first step…but personally I would feel like been taken do a ride also and don’t think there is any coming back from that tbh.

Shatteredallthetimelately · 11/10/2025 13:08

I will just say that his mums money may not come his way if she needs care in anyway.

Knowing what you now do I'd use these months leading up to spring deciding if moving in is the right decision not only for you but your DC.

If you do go ahead after having all this information of what he's asking of you you've shown you're in agreement with the situation.

If you go ahead and ask to be put on the deeds and rent your property out you'll then become a two home owner, with the change in rules would that wipe out any profit?

Personally I'd stay put with the knowledge that the roof over my head is mine and that's the only property I'd be putting my money into infuture.

Franpie · 11/10/2025 13:12

Did you offer to help pay for the renovations and other stuff? Or did he ask?

If you offered then I think this is all on you. If he asked then I would be demanding reimbursement.

If you offered then he hasn’t actually done anything wrong. He is looking after his own financial future which, to be honest, you should be doing too, not spending money on an independent adult.

You are not married and you have very little in savings. You cannot afford to be so generous.

unsync · 11/10/2025 13:12

At least you found out before moving in with him.

BuildbyNumbere · 11/10/2025 13:13

I would seriously reconsider moving in with him!!

ThisZanyPinkSquid · 11/10/2025 13:13

Sorry he needs time to unmuddle his head? The fact he knew he had that in savings/investments and STILL let you pay for renovations to his home is absolutely dishonest.

When was he planning on telling you? Or was he just hoping to gloss over that once you moved in together?

ConstitutionHill · 11/10/2025 13:15

Where is he making 9% on his savings/investment? That's what I want to know. Also, he's a tightarse if he's letting you pay for more, I'd be stopping that.

Bluenan · 11/10/2025 13:18

Hes got the best part of quarter of a million stashed away and he’s letting you pay for renovations. He’d be getting his marching orders from me

VeronicaRaven · 11/10/2025 13:18

Thatmoves · 10/10/2025 08:00

And I need to know where he makes 9% a year!!!

Stocks and shares ISA probably. That's what I do and make about 14% a year tax free. But it takes years to build it up and it's much riskier than saving account. But if you have time and you don't need the money you put away even if the market crashes it always go back up so you will always be much better off.

TwinklySquid · 11/10/2025 13:19

This sounds super familiar. I’m sure there was a similar post to this a while back.

Seelybee · 11/10/2025 13:19

@Lyra74 please read back all of your comments on this post. Under no circumstances should you move in with this person. He's a tight fisted liar. Keep your independence and kick him to kerb, he will suck your finances dry without a second thought. Major major ick!

MILLYmo0se · 11/10/2025 13:21

He goes through your post?! OP......... stop and think..... He is careful with his money and that is absolutely fine but somehow whether it's him purposefully manipulating you or stemming from issues you have in relationships you are spending your money to his advantage. And that's fine kinda in itself if that's what you choose but who needs/should benefit from your money more, him or your kids?