Confused about money AIBU

[Lyra74]

I've been seeing partner nearly 2 years. Nearly all that time I've known I earn almost double on paper compared to him. Although after tax pension etc it isn't anywhere near double. I have 2 kids at uni and they live with me when home for the holidays. So quite large outgoings at the moment. I have around 11k in savings so doing ok but not rich by any means since my divorce.
My partner is careful with money and worries about it. So as time has gone on I've found myself paying much more than half of things which I didn't mind. And more recently I helped him out with some small renovations to his house, as I'm planning on moving in with him in the spring.
This week I found out he has £225k in savings and investments. Money he inherited when his dad died that he makes around 9% on each year.
I am honestly blown away. I thought he was broke apart from his property. His house is in a nice part of Cheshire but the kitchen is falling to pieces. Feeling a bit silly and not sure if I've been taken for a ride.

He's a mean liar who has bled you increasingly.
Dicky that up as much as you like, but that is the truth.
I call his type scum.
Using a single parent.
Only the lowest of the low does that.
I would want evety penny back.
Do your calculations to find out how much you have spent on this man.
Money that could have been used by you for yourself and your children.
You have been paying for a boyfriend.

SNS ISAs - even low risk ones - are making more than 9% at the moment. He hasn't necessarily been making 9% over a long period. Is he using the growth as income or is it just compounding? Does he see it as his pension and not to be touched?

If his investments are offshore he may well be avoiding/evading tax too.

Has he responded? He is being so shady not telling you when you've asked outright! He should not be accepting a penny from you with that money in the bank. What a dick. I would be having a serious conversation. At least you found out before you made the move.

You should pay equal to the money that you both HAVE not what you both earn. He doesn't NEED to earn more as he has a nice little stash doesn't he.

Well this obviously changes everything...that's a massive and quite sinister lie. You'll need to ask yourself why you think he told it. Then you'll need to ask him.

I do generally understand dividing living expenses as a percentage of salary if a couple's incomes are significantly different. If someone told you that they had to take money out of their savings to make rent/bills each month, you'd tell them to find somewhere more affordable to live.

If his savings/investments/pensions/whatever were working towards your joint future, I'd agree with him that he should pay less. But as you now know, that's not the case.

If you move in together please remember that any student loans your DC receive are based on household income so if they currently get more than the minimum based on your income, they will more than likely qualify for the minimum only moving forwards once the assessment is based on your joint income.

Well that was a bit daft of him if he’d lied to you previously about his inheritance?

I would be annoyed he knows about all your savings and investments but he has lied about his own. I would need to put that to him and want an answer. If he can't or won't answer i would walk away.

Likely he will blame you for being money orientated but in reality it is his behaviour which is the blame.

Don't let him gaslight you.

He's replied says he has about 100k. The report value was £223k?? Says he needs a new roof and a car so has to be careful as can't replace it. His roof is fine.

🙄

Why are you still engaging with him?

have some self respect

and don’t hand out money when you only have a £11k nest egg yourself. Your uni student kids could have done with that money more than a boyfriend of less than 2 years for renovations

Geez, he's angling for you to pay for a roof and a car.

Girl. You are being played big time.

Can you sit down with him and have a proper conversation about income, savings, pensions, long term financial goals and how you’d both see it being fair if you did still want to move on together?

Could the investment be instead of, or to supplement, a pension? It could be showing a projected value if he’s planning to withdraw it in 10 years time. Or he could just be sitting on loads of cash that he wanted to hide from you.

Only way to know for sure is to have a serious and open conversation - and if you can’t do that 2 years into a relationship, I’m not sure it’s going anywhere.

Can you sit down with him and have a proper conversation about income, savings, pensions, long term financial goals and how you’d both see it being fair if you did still want to move on together?

She can't afford this guy. She only has 11k in her savings. She's paid for some reno on his house already in anticipation of moving in. He wants her to pay more than him if she moves in. Now he's crying poor and needs a roof and a car.

She has 2 kids to think about here. She's got a house to maintain herself. He's a money sink.

So he’s still lying and playing the pauper hoping you’ll feel sorry for him and carry on chucking cash his way.

You’ll always be a cashpoint if you continue with this tight arse.

He has an elderly mother also. So is looking at around another £300k inheritance in the future. This is not his only money for the future.

Maybe the £223k was a projection for the future retirement??

@Lyra74 Does he have a pension or is this it?

He has a workplace pension but not worth a great deal. Maybe about the same as state pension..

Or so you think…

My DH had a friend who pleaded poverty and whined on about the fact he couldnt afford golf. My DH is a keen golfer and wanted to help, so paid for his golf for 2 years, at the end of the 2 years, the guy says hes leaving for his luxury round the world year long trip he had been saving for.
Needless to say, my DH is not as generous anymore and the friend is no longer a friend.
I think some people are just made that way. Tight arses that won't spend their money but happy for other people to spend it on them without offering anything back. Absolute cretins.

This would potentially be a dealbreaker for me. I get him wanting to keep his nest egg but it's not fair to pretend to be struggling with all that money (and interest) and very unfair to expect you to pay for more when you have kids at uni and a £200K mortgage to worry about. I imagine if you looked at outgoings and what's leftover, you might be even despite the wage differential?

I'd either break up with him now or shelve the move and start going 50/50 on everything. It's fine if he can't afford a fancy night out - you have a movie night in or a wetherspoons meal or whatever but don't pay for him. See how he responds to that. Ignore but make a mental note of any complaints about the cost of things or new kitchens or other stuff he needs. Or just say "oh I know! With the kids at uni and my mortgage, it's a real struggle!".

I think you need to sit down and have an open and honest conversation about finances, both short and long term. BEFORE you move in. I consider my long term investments to be unavailable. I would absolutely never dip into them to fund day to day expenditure, so would say I’m “broke” if I’ve had an expensive month and spent all my disposable income for that month. I wouldn’t consider that deceitful or lying at all just because I actually have savings. So if you earn more and you want to do things that he can’t afford from current income that’s not necessarily him taking advantage, his perspective is simply that he can’t afford it. Even taking his mother’s money into account (obviously not remotely guaranteed) then £500k total is not much to have saved for retirement given you must both at least be in your 40s.

Letting you pay for Renovations is a bit more ick, unless what was being done was purely to make the house better for you to move in, in which case he may feel that’s entirely justified as well.

I'd definitely re-think moving in with him if I were you. He told you that he was worried about money so you upped your financial contributions to more than half and it turns out he has £225k in savings and investments as well as a paid off £600k house. He's trying to get you to pay more than him when you move in, saying that it should be proportionate to income because he earns less. He sounds mean and deceitful.

He’s looking at you as someone who will take of him in his old age rather than a genuine partner who shares the good and the bad equally.

I have a divorced retired friend who was seeing a man because she hates being on her own but he was so tight fisted. She was expected to pay everything when they go out inc. holidays, because otherwise he wouldn’t go and she desperately wanted some company.

I think the scales finally fell when she realised she was slowly eating through her savings whilst he was accumulating more cash at her expense.

I think you’d be a mug to stay with him after this revelation.