He wants to speak before we meet

[loveyoutothemoon]

Been chatting to a guy online for about a week and a half and we're meeting on Saturday. The other day he sent a voice note on the app which was nice but I didn't really feel like sending one back, we just carried on chatting.

This morning he wanted to swap numbers, I was very polite. I said that I just wanted to take one step at a time and would feel more comfortable doing that after we'd met, if that was okay. He said it just made it easier to plan stuff but he was happy to do it my way. Now, it's not just the giving out my number, I'd just rather wait to speak to him in person, I just don't feel comfortable chatting to a stranger over the phone.

He then said a few hours later that he doesn't know if I feel up for it but we can call each other through the app, would be nice to hear my voice and get to know me better. (which is what I'd like to do in person on Saturday).

Is that his way of checking me out beforehand to see if I'm worth meeting? I just find it a little persistent and pushy. Or is it a red flag to him if I was to say that I'd rather wait? Would you find it a red flag yourself?

I think this is spot on. He's feeling out whether youre open to "checking chemistry" horizontally. As you say, why is distance only being mentioned now? He's already setting up his exit strategy.

He sounds like he wants to keep his options open with you which personally seems like a turn off. If he really liked you he wouldn't be saying all that stuff and 50 miles wouldn't be the end of the world. Dump and move on.

He’s not interested op, unless you want a one night stand, shag and run thing,

Agree that the multiple steering the chat back uk kissing you is highlighting the physical side. Combined with mentioning the distance he’s paving the way for a long distance FWB.

Hes up for an occasional shag when there’s nothing else on offer imo

@loveyoutothemoon I think those texts are pretty clear. Sometimes there’s no lines to read in between and we should just read the words they say. You had a date and he liked you but he’s unsure as he didn’t think the connection was strong enough. Seems like he would be happy to now use you and have sex (if you let him) but he’s not interested in anything serious with you. The distance wouldn’t be an issue if really liked you. I would make the effort if I really liked someone but if I was only half hearted about someone then the distance would also be a negative. I think you are wasting your time now if you carry on talking to him as you will be forever trying to “grow” his attraction to you. Find someone else who is fully interested in you.

He wants no strings sex.

OP he was expecting you to try and convince him to see you again, and was suprised when you didn’t. I would just bin him off, men never message a woman they really like this way.

Thanks everyone, I've blocked him and unmatched. Another one bites the dust....I've had so many unsuccessful dates this year but I think that's mainly because my standards have been higher. I've yet to find someone I like naturally but it's far better to wait than date the wrong person.

@loveyoutothemoon oh he is not Interested op.
He is looking for you to say say oh you should have kissed me then he would get you into bed .
If he was interested he would let you know .
He’s talking in riddles and for you questioning things already.
Block and delete

I mean someone saying upfront they aren’t sure is very telling.

Also, what kind of connection are people expecting after a single date?!

He sounds like hard work. I wouldn’t be interested in seeing him again.

And as for telling you he was thinking about the date on the drive home, and waiting for the next message to give you the “verdict”.

Bin 👎

My thoughts exactly 👏

Exactly, you know if you fancy someone but you can kiss them and there's no connection whatsoever.

He said last week on messaging, when we were talking about past relationships that he can be quite intense. Imagine if I carried on with him!!

Also, the night before the date, he asked me if I was loud or quiet, I said not loud and he replied I prefer loud women!!!!

5 min phone call to make sure he doesn't sound like Joe Pasquale on helium and that you don't sound like Peggy Mount on 40 a day
Be more awkward if his/your voice gives the ick
And you can block numbers if it goes pear shaped
Simples!

Oops just realised I posted after the event

He's now sent me a text message, "why would you block me isn't that a bit much" wasn't expecting that, so more blocking!

You don’t want to talk to a stranger on the phone but you’re okay with meeting a stranger face to face?

Funny, as I was reading your messages I was going to say he sounds a bit Baden-Powell.

Personally when I was OLD I screened everyone by phone call and if someone didn’t want to (and some didn’t), I didn’t bother any further. No way would I make effort to meet someone who won’t have a quick call. It cuts a lot of time wasters. So for me your reluctance would be a red flag.

Lol, why?!!

In my experience some guys, who are most of the time the type who think they are god's gift to women, are dead afraid to spend an hour of their life with a woman they don't feel attracted to. Now the best way to gauge whether there is attraction is meeting someone in real life. There is just no way around it. And yes this might mean that you spend some time with someone you don't feel chemistry with. Maybe focus on what that person has to say and how they behave themselves than on your petty need for instant gratification in the form of feeling the hots for someone after five minutes.

You can either go to a date with an open mind and see it as a pleasant encounter where you get to know someone a bit, even if you will never see them again afterwards. Or you can snub someone just because they are not your type or you don't feel chemistry, and deny yourself and the other an actual conversation.
I personally would refuse a call before a first date. You either want to meet someone or you don't and all these intermediate steps are just hurdles people create. Life is short. 45 minutes over a coffee will give more info than 5 telephone calls. I am a decent and kind person and I won't stop being decent and kind just because my first impression of you is that you are not your type.

I mean, I personally don't want to get chat happy on the phone with someone until I know if they are someone im into or not.

I'd be worried that a quick call would turn into them thinking we can talk every day. I don't even want that with someone I'm dating.

And, he is being pushy. So that's a no from me. Or it probably should be.

The over the top navel gazing and handwringing about the distance. How serious and somber he sounds.

All far, far too intense. Thank your lucky stars you don’t have to sit through him banging on about his feelings and concerns for the rest of your life.

See this was my perspective. I don't think my friend saw it though, plus she didn't see our messages on the app. I think he's a born worrier to be honest and he needs to try and train himself to control it a bit. Chatting before a date isn't going to necessarily show this either. I'm glad I went to rule him out. I'm glad he made it aware before I started dating him! I fall hard too.

Mmm. I think you might be being generous to call him a worrier.

I think he’s a giant red flag. He clearly wanted you to waste your time assuring him that you’re happy to travel to him, happy to be used to ‘kiss’ him to see if there’s a spark etc.

He was testing your boundaries very early on. I wouldn’t be surprised if he tries to get in touch again because he’ll be so shocked you called his bluff.

Lucky escape.