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Original poster

He wants to speak before we meet

189 replies

loveyoutothemoon · 08/10/2025 16:49

Been chatting to a guy online for about a week and a half and we're meeting on Saturday. The other day he sent a voice note on the app which was nice but I didn't really feel like sending one back, we just carried on chatting.

This morning he wanted to swap numbers, I was very polite. I said that I just wanted to take one step at a time and would feel more comfortable doing that after we'd met, if that was okay. He said it just made it easier to plan stuff but he was happy to do it my way. Now, it's not just the giving out my number, I'd just rather wait to speak to him in person, I just don't feel comfortable chatting to a stranger over the phone.

He then said a few hours later that he doesn't know if I feel up for it but we can call each other through the app, would be nice to hear my voice and get to know me better. (which is what I'd like to do in person on Saturday).

Is that his way of checking me out beforehand to see if I'm worth meeting? I just find it a little persistent and pushy. Or is it a red flag to him if I was to say that I'd rather wait? Would you find it a red flag yourself?

OP posts:
Original poster
loveyoutothemoon · 08/10/2025 22:20

Some interesting comments, both sides. Thank you everyone.

OP posts:
VVM · 08/10/2025 22:21

Just being completely honest here so no offence meant but I’d say you are the red flag in this situation especially when men are constantly coming across fake accounts on dating apps. In my experience I’d be put off instantly if I asked for a guys number and we’d been chatting for a few days and he said he’d rather we just chatted through the dating site and secondly I’d feel he had something to hide/ wasn’t who he said he was if he wouldn’t even have a quick phone call through the site too. Its hard to keep a continuous flow in conversation going on a dating site when you’re getting new messages coming through because you’re online and again in my experience the chats (of those I’m actually trying to chat to) get lost as they end up anywhere from the middle to the bottom of the messages in my inbox each time the other person replies and it gets annoying.

Pumpkindoodles · 08/10/2025 22:25

I would be soooo suss at someone that couldn’t talk to me for 30seconds
id assume it was a catfish

VVM · 08/10/2025 22:26

Sorry I didn’t mean you are a red flag in general, I should have said your preference is the red flag here if there is any. Again just to give my own experience, I absolutely hate chatting through dating sites and am quick to want to move to WhatsApp after a few messages back and forth if I feel there’s some kind of chemistry going on. Just because they have my number doesn’t mean they are guaranteed or entitled to anything and Ive never personally had anyone harass or bombard me with phone calls / messages after giving them my number and I’ve done this a lot

Original poster
loveyoutothemoon · 08/10/2025 22:32

VVM · 08/10/2025 22:26

Sorry I didn’t mean you are a red flag in general, I should have said your preference is the red flag here if there is any. Again just to give my own experience, I absolutely hate chatting through dating sites and am quick to want to move to WhatsApp after a few messages back and forth if I feel there’s some kind of chemistry going on. Just because they have my number doesn’t mean they are guaranteed or entitled to anything and Ive never personally had anyone harass or bombard me with phone calls / messages after giving them my number and I’ve done this a lot

Thank you. This is where I'm different, I love chatting on dating sites, much prefer it to WhatsApp when just starting to talk to someone. The one I'm on feels safe, they don't know you're online and I feel I can reply in my own time. When it progresses to WhatsApp, I feel it's like the next step (which I'm not ready for) and feel more pressure.

OP posts:
VVM · 08/10/2025 22:44

@loveyoutothemoon I do understand that as it is just preference so there’s no right or wrong. Well if he’s happy to wait and meet in person before moving to the next step then I’d say that’s a positive sign for you. Once you’ve both met and get a feel of each other and if there’s any chemistry then none of this will matter and you’ll know whether to proceed with swapping numbers or not.

Purplerain1985 · 08/10/2025 22:44

I always preferred to have a little call or even exchange voice notes prior to a date when single.I tried doing without and each time the date was awkward despite getting on great over texts.Also I’ve heard some funny voices that didn’t seem to match up to the face lol.He’s right to be curious but you’re not wrong to feel differently either I guess.

Lovelamps · 08/10/2025 23:06

TMMC1 · 08/10/2025 17:03

I get both sides of this. What’s the harm in talking through the app and not giving your number.

I think so too. A quick hello and that you're looking forward to chatting more on the day would do. I suppose on OLD there are lots of bots and fake profiles etc and people maybe just want to check in before committing time to the date.

Panpots · 08/10/2025 23:17

AgnesX · 08/10/2025 16:59

Can understand him feeling that way totally. Why waste time going through the effort of meeting up without knowing if the other person sounds like a complete Ned and can't string a sentence together.

Off topic but Are you from Glasgow? Are they still using that word “Ned” up there 😆

Panpots · 08/10/2025 23:25

I understand why he did want to call you. You’re not being weird but neither is he.

Personally I prefer not to share WhatsApp details too early partly because I’m worried a guy will send an (ahem)… unwanted image. But also because I found some men just want to get the number then don’t really message me much OR they message me too much and I can’t be bothered texting too a lot before I meet someone!

Sometimes I’ll have a call first, sometimes I won’t. Not too fussed. I am not keen on video calls though, I immediately dislike the men who insist on that and try to ignore my boundaries about not doing VCs.

I’d agreed a voice call with one man on a Saturday afternoon and he randomly video called me at 10am when I was still in bed. Of course I didn’t answer and I deleted his number as well.

UpDownAllAround1 · 09/10/2025 06:32

You can also not show you are online on Whatsapp. I do that. Not sure what the problem is

AgnesX · 09/10/2025 07:50

Panpots · 08/10/2025 23:17

Off topic but Are you from Glasgow? Are they still using that word “Ned” up there 😆

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👋 I don't think it's as common as it was although when it is people know exactly what's meant.

I'm probably showing my age a bit!

TwistedWonder · 09/10/2025 08:05

Everyone has their own preference OP and I don’t see how you not wanting a call or to move to WhatsApp is a red flag. I prefer to meet first and if the date goes well then swap numbers.

I don’t do OLD anymore but when i did, I can honestly say the one guy I had the best phone call with turned out to be the worst date of my life.

Stick to your boundaries on this one and if it’s a dealbreaker for him then he’s not the right one.

Kulwinder54 · 09/10/2025 08:09

I agree with you OP, wanting to 'vet' over the phone beforehand is not very in the spirit of dating...you see the whole package in person when you meet in person, get their vibe etc. Guys who want to hear your voice or see your photos always get a big fat no from me.

If I had spoken to my current boyfriend on the phone before meeting I would have been complete put off and probably wouldn't have met him! 😂 thank god we just met in the pub only after a few messages

DaisyChain505 · 09/10/2025 08:11

He’s checking you’re not some 80 year old man which is fair enough.

Owly11 · 09/10/2025 08:13

I don’t think this is going to work out. You are both very insistent on doing it the way you want it. However call me old fashioned but I believe that in this issue he should accede to your request not to speak on the phone. It is your safety and comfort that is much more at risk in this kind of situation. I do understand that he risks getting catfished but it’s just not the same as your risk of meeting someone who might sexually assault you. I would find it very off putting for a man to be so persistent in seeking a phone call rather than asking once and accepting your polite no. It would make me wonder in what other situations they weren’t going to accept my no.

Snugglemonkey · 09/10/2025 08:14

I think that you have every right to decide how you would like to do things. I agree with @Arrivederlathough. I would never meet someone without some kind of conversation first. That would be a red flag to me. Neither of you are wrong, people find different things comfortable.

pizzaHeart · 09/10/2025 08:15

BeBluntPinkRobin · 08/10/2025 17:02

Yes, a simple, clear, and polite message like "I'd rather wait to speak until we meet in person" is perfect. You don’t need to over-explain or apologise, just be firm and kind. Something like:
"Thanks for understanding, but I’m much more comfortable chatting in person when we meet on Saturday. Looking forward to it!"
This sets your boundary clearly without leaving room for confusion, and it keeps the tone friendly and positive.

this^ message is perfect

why should you give your number to him or calm him if you never saw him?
it would be nice to see that he is who he claims to be before giving him your number.

and tbh I don’t think you can judge someone’s personality by how they sounds on mobile phone. So I wonder if he wants a face time call. If he wants a safe low maintenance first date you can go for a coffee and walk.

jeaux90 · 09/10/2025 08:17

When I was OLD I would refuse to meet a man I hadn’t spoken to.

Charlenedickens · 09/10/2025 08:26

Owly11 · 09/10/2025 08:13

I don’t think this is going to work out. You are both very insistent on doing it the way you want it. However call me old fashioned but I believe that in this issue he should accede to your request not to speak on the phone. It is your safety and comfort that is much more at risk in this kind of situation. I do understand that he risks getting catfished but it’s just not the same as your risk of meeting someone who might sexually assault you. I would find it very off putting for a man to be so persistent in seeking a phone call rather than asking once and accepting your polite no. It would make me wonder in what other situations they weren’t going to accept my no.

How on earth is he insistent. He asked to swap numbers to plan stuff. She said no, fair and good response. Later he says how about a voice chat, we can do it through the app. I cannot for the life of me see how this is him being very insistent, both are different requests, one for numbers to plan stuff, and one for a chat on the app. If anything the op is insistent, she wants to meet him for a date, but doesn’t want to speak to him first off.

for me if I was arranging a date and texting and the man said no you can’t speak to me and you can’t have my number I’d run.

NorthernLass2025 · 09/10/2025 08:36

Find it odd you wouldn't want to talk to someone even briefly to check its who you think tbh. I always have and always will

Owly11 · 09/10/2025 08:51

Charlenedickens · 09/10/2025 08:26

How on earth is he insistent. He asked to swap numbers to plan stuff. She said no, fair and good response. Later he says how about a voice chat, we can do it through the app. I cannot for the life of me see how this is him being very insistent, both are different requests, one for numbers to plan stuff, and one for a chat on the app. If anything the op is insistent, she wants to meet him for a date, but doesn’t want to speak to him first off.

for me if I was arranging a date and texting and the man said no you can’t speak to me and you can’t have my number I’d run.

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I guess we see it differently. I see his behaviour indicating that he is focused on getting what he wants rather than tuning in to what op wants. And I personally wouldn’t proceed with a man that was more highly focused on his own needs than mine, particularly in a situation where I was more at risk and so my needs should be the priority. Of course I could be wrong but my hunch is that he turns out to be pushy. The main point is for op to trust her gut. She is the one concerned about his behaviour and so if she does go ahead and meet him she should pay attention to this aspect and not just write it off. We have gut feelings for a reason and it’s best not to ignore them.

Charlenedickens · 09/10/2025 08:52

Owly11 · 09/10/2025 08:51

I guess we see it differently. I see his behaviour indicating that he is focused on getting what he wants rather than tuning in to what op wants. And I personally wouldn’t proceed with a man that was more highly focused on his own needs than mine, particularly in a situation where I was more at risk and so my needs should be the priority. Of course I could be wrong but my hunch is that he turns out to be pushy. The main point is for op to trust her gut. She is the one concerned about his behaviour and so if she does go ahead and meet him she should pay attention to this aspect and not just write it off. We have gut feelings for a reason and it’s best not to ignore them.

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I guess that’s fair, I just don’t see how though, how he’s focused on what he wants, he asked for the number, she said no. He accepted it and didn’t ask again. He separately asked for a chat on the app, so no numbers swapped.

unless you are thinking asking for anything is focused on what he wants?

Owly11 · 09/10/2025 08:57

Charlenedickens · 09/10/2025 08:52

I guess that’s fair, I just don’t see how though, how he’s focused on what he wants, he asked for the number, she said no. He accepted it and didn’t ask again. He separately asked for a chat on the app, so no numbers swapped.

unless you are thinking asking for anything is focused on what he wants?

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It’s because if I asked for someone’s number and they said no I would assume that they didn’t want to speak and I would accept that. By asking to speak through the app it feels a bit like a child whose mum has said no to sweets so asks for chocolate instead. 🤣

OldBeyondMyYears · 09/10/2025 08:59

Personally, I’d never agree to meet someone that I hadn’t actually spoken to at least once. Anyone can craft a great message in an app (especially now with AI!!) but a few well chosen questions on a phone call can (stress ‘can’, not ‘will’) weed out anyone who just has no conversation.

Also, voices can be off putting. We all have preferences and ‘Icks’ (anyone who says otherwise is not being honest!) and voices can be one. Eg I really couldn’t be with someone who uses ‘like’ or ‘innit’ in their speech pattern, and I am put off by anyone who uses a ‘question mark’ type speech pattern for every sentence (the ‘up inflection’).

OP, you are of course entitled to your own boundaries, but don’t be surprised when potential dates are asking this…or when they cancel because you won’t even have an ‘in app’ conversation with them.