He wants to speak before we meet

[loveyoutothemoon]

Been chatting to a guy online for about a week and a half and we're meeting on Saturday. The other day he sent a voice note on the app which was nice but I didn't really feel like sending one back, we just carried on chatting.

This morning he wanted to swap numbers, I was very polite. I said that I just wanted to take one step at a time and would feel more comfortable doing that after we'd met, if that was okay. He said it just made it easier to plan stuff but he was happy to do it my way. Now, it's not just the giving out my number, I'd just rather wait to speak to him in person, I just don't feel comfortable chatting to a stranger over the phone.

He then said a few hours later that he doesn't know if I feel up for it but we can call each other through the app, would be nice to hear my voice and get to know me better. (which is what I'd like to do in person on Saturday).

Is that his way of checking me out beforehand to see if I'm worth meeting? I just find it a little persistent and pushy. Or is it a red flag to him if I was to say that I'd rather wait? Would you find it a red flag yourself?

I've been there. I think he's sensible.

I’ve never done online dating but if I did do it, I’d definitely want to face time (not just chat on the phone, that’s worse somehow), before meeting. Why waste time going on a date when almost as soon as you see each other / chat, it might be a definite no thanks?

I have almost always talked to them before the date. If I don't like what I hear, I'm not going simple as that.

You sound a bit too soft for online dating.

I wouldn't want a phone call as it would make me cringe and feels very weird. If the bloke didn't want to meet me without one then I just wouldn't bother with them. You want someone that is considerate of what you want, and you're allowed to say no I'd prefer a quick meet up instead - a coffee perhaps.

I’ve chatted to a couple of men who refuse to meet unless they have a FaceTime call first. I don’t to FaceTime. Never done a video call in my life and do I say no but I’m happy to meet for a coffee. A couple were ok but one got really abusive and told me I’ve obviously got something to hide and I must be catfish - despite me being up for a public meet.

Honestly if that’s how a man reacts to a polite no then the red flags are obvious from the start

That was my first thought - he’s checking he’s not being catfished, sensible really. You could be anyone sending those nice messages.

You can hide your last seen but will always show as online.

So I've just checked and you can actually hide online at the same time as last seen, is this new? I've never hid my last seen ever!

It’s not new I’ve been hidden for years.

What annoys me is men who have organised a coffee date where they are going to spend maybe £4 on you at most - or may even want the woman to pay for it herself and yet they make a big song and dance of wanting to see more photos or video calling the woman before they meet. So they know it’s not “a waste” 🙄

I can understand a woman insisting on a video call before meeting if that’s what she needs to feel safe but I feel it’s different with women.

As a woman I’m the one who is way more at risk going on a date, so if a man’s biggest worry is that I’m going to be fatter or look older or something I have little sympathy for them when they keep asking for FaceTimes or more photos . (Not what the OP’s guy is asking for but I just mean generally speaking)

I don’t really think you’re at risk meeting someone in a coffee shop for a coffee, that’s a bit much but understand you may have a history of trauma that makes you feel that way. But the woman isn’t some gift to be paid for. We are adults who pay our way.

Yes the reality is you are still more at risk from a man. Strictly speaking men are far more likely to behave in a weird/hyper sexually and intimidating or uncomfortable manner when meeting a woman - even in a public place. You just need to read or listen to people’s dating stories to know this. I even watched something recently about a woman being followed aggressively from a meeting place by a man she clearly didn’t want to see again.

I didn’t say the man HAD to pay for the woman, that wasn’t my point. Not sure why you’re taking it there?

My point was that he is at worst looking at being out of pocket by a few quid even IF he does pay. A woman on the other hand doing some various checks for safety reasons rather than worrying he may look a bit fat, makes much more sense.

My rules were: talk for a few days, couple of voice notes, then a call, finally a coffee date for ground zero. Learnt the hard way.

Basically you intimated a man should pay as women were at risk of going to a coffee shop with them. 🙄

I'd wonder what someone was trying to hide if they wouldn't speak on the phone. I'd expect a video call before meeting anyone.

So we met earlier than planned and I've posted some screenshots of our interaction after the date. I'm confused.

I don't know if these photos are in order but I'll see when I post them! I'm green, he's white.

After the last screenshot, I say "if there's no attraction we'll be wasting our time" to which he replies "I didn't say that, I did want to kiss you"

He’s not interested

I've not replied yet after a few hours but he's messaged again saying he's "going for a nap before work, I still hope we can chat."

Time to move on.

What a bizarre set of messages from him! 'I liked you but I'm not sure but I wanted to kiss you but I was trying to be respectful and maybe the distance is an issue but not a dealbreaker and did I mention I'm not sure but I want to keep talking'

SHUT UP.

Can you see why I'm confused. I didn't think I was imagining us getting on like a house on fire either!

He's either trying to put you on the back foot so that you 'earn' his interest, or he's deeply self indulgent and you can look forward to a future of stream of consciousness indecisive texts forevermore. I couldn't be bothered with either tbh.

After a couple of experiences meeting a man who was well into his 70s (claimed to be 50) and someone who had heavily doctored his photographs, I always ask for a video chat before meeting. If they agree, great. If not, I don’t meet them.

As well as checking they are who they say they are, It’s a good way to get a feel for someone before you meet in person and realise after 3 minutes it’s a no-go. They also get a feel for you. I wish I had used it much earlier than I did and saved myself some time wasters.

You can absolutely navigate OLD the way you want it but bear in mind it may take a while to come to a conclusion of what’s best for you.

Girl chuck this one back

A man who has do decipher his feelings like this will be useless in the long run 🙄🙄

If you like a woman, its not that hard xx

This is the thing, I can't figure out if he does or not. As per my first message on here today, I was questioning the attraction and it not being there and he said I didn't say that. WTF.