Bf ex going to sisters wedding and staying weekend

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Going to keep this as quick as possible and try not to be too outing.

bf has an ex broke up 18 months ago was together 5 years. No kids and was not married We have been together around 6 months recently met his family but still early days. We get on really well.

his ex has been invited to his sisters wedding at the end of year. I haven’t which is fine as new relationship and the wedding is small and they are having 30 people. She will be staying at bf for weekend as she lives accross the country and says she cannot afford a hotel. She has asked me not to be round that weekend as that would make her uncomfortable (can’t anyway as it’s my weekend with kids) but I still feel very uncomfortable. I have said it is slightly strange how she has specifically asked for to not be there and also wants to go to a very intimate close family wedding but he has said that it isn’t really on him in regards to the wedding list and he doesn’t want to be rude saying she can’t stay. I am thinking this may be a deal breaker for me as it feels like crossing a boundary or am I overthinking.

This is ridiculous op. You need to advocate for yourself here. Tell him you’re not happy about this ex inserting herself into his life to this level. He should be shutting it down immediately when she’s being rude about you and your relationship. Him and his family are enabling this and it’s batshit. They should just revoke the wedding invite and cut contact, sounds brutal but it’s best for everyone.

At the moment it seems you are expected to go along with this. Who is thinking about your feelings?

Since you do like him abd there are no other red flags - I also think he has behaved innocently in this and you can't wrong someone for trying to spare someone's feelings, I would just be transparent with him and tell him this drama is too much. Lay your cards on the table and say "I appreciate how honest and up front you've been about this, and how much you've respected my discomfort. However, this is a bit too much drama for such a new relationship. I know it's not your fault and you can't control her reactions but I do hope you can recognise that she obviously has not moved on from you and our relationship can not continue to grow as long as your last relationship casts a shadow over us. Sorry for the stress this must be causing you, let me know what you think"

By offering to send screenshots is he trying to be transparent or trying to triangulate? I don't know if I would want to hang about to find out. Luckily you have been smart and not introduced him to your DC yet, you have good boundaries there OP, this guy and his family seem to have none.

More likely he asked her to stay and he doesn't want you around. His next strategy will be saying you don't trust him, we can't move forward without trust and he'll either convince you he can be trusted (he can't) or he'll end it.

He might be being open, but it was on him to shut this ridiculous situation down rather than acting all faux innocent and helpless. This would be a deal breaker for me. Even if his weird ex fucks off, I can imagine you living through the same triangulation with work colleagues he’s become overly friendly with etc and you would never be able trust his boundaries with others.

My daughters ex had an ex who hung around. They're back together. Sounds like the ops bf is keeping all options open.

I think you need to read the OPs updates. That very much not the situation here.

His spinelessness would give me the ick

Sorry read all your responses, ignore my previous response. If it was me and he backs down and let's her stay at his then he is definitely for the chop. Actually the idea that they would share the same bed (that is what would have originally happened) means you should get rid anyway. You'd never know whether or not they had sex and the fact he ever entertained her staying at his is so weird . If you are willing to have an open relationship of sorts then stick with him.

I'd give him a chance OP, he's being really honest with you. In fairness his sister really shouldn't have invited her to a small, intimate wedding especially when she hasn't invited you. That's a total messing of boundaries that your boyfriend had nothing to do with. I do think he's trying and would just tell him to please shut it down so it doesn't come between ye any further

I think I wouldn't want to see her message because you just don't need to be dragged into this drama. Your bf and his family have offered her somewhere else to stay and said it is up to her if she still wants to go to the wedding. They are not going to feel awkward because they know she is there as a friend of the bride. They are not going to be offended if she would rather not go. I think if you stay calm and make it obvious that she is unimportant to your relationship, bf will do similarly. I don't think he has really done anything wrong, been a bit naive maybe, but if it's too much hassle for you walk away.

He has to cut her loose. No other way here, she isn't over him. Tbh it's best if she doesn't go to the wedding. If I was his sister I wouldn't want the possibility of drama. I don't think he has done anything wrong so far, he seems open and transparent with you. For the relationship to last though, he has to draw that line. I have a friend who was broken up with and spent more than 5 years pining after he ex. If she had been asked back at any point, they would have been back on. It wasn't healthy. The ex sounds massively like she is just sitting waiting which would make me incredibly uncomfortable.

I think so too and as such I think your BF is trying to navigate a tricky situation as are you. He’s not taking the easier option, he’s keen to make it work with you. As we get older it’s more common to encounter ‘baggage’ in our new relationships. If you like him it’s worth navigating through psycho ex. I think he’s offering to show you the messages because he wants to do right by you and also that he needs guidance through this too. You are using mumsnet, maybe he is using you to help navigate. Lastly, it took my DH a while to navigate a
his way through a situation whereby some nasty things were said about me and he had to reach the decision himself with my opinion voiced before he went no contact with a certain individual.
for what it’s worth I would see the messages and based on what was said would ask him how he thinks he should proceed with someone who has said x y z about you.

I don't think the ex is an issue unless he let's it be an issue going forwards. He needs to decide to cut back on contact and he needs to be very direct with her that things are naturally going to be different because he's moved on so either she accepts that or they leave it at that. I think you need to be clear with him in terms of what you need from him in this. I'd be saying to him that it's clear their relationship is more complicated for her than it is for him and he needs to decide what happens next because you have no interest in getting caught up in any drama with her. Then see what he decides.

Tbh the fact he didn't immediately think about the fact she was going to stay over in a 1 bed flat is a red flag given he's in a new relationship. Where did she sleep the previous times she stayed and where did he assume she was going to sleep? Her dictating you weren't to visit and him not immediately calling that out is another red flag.

It sounds like you're quite keen to be chill about all this, but if you like him then I think you have the right to express your needs from this as well. I'm not suggesting he's been anything more than obtuse, but you need better than obtuse.

In his bed, and in his bed again.

According to him he has always slept on the sofa bar one time they were away they shared a bed (insists nothing happened and we were not together at the time). That was the plan this time, her stay in the bed and he stays on sofa.

I don't think he is doing anything wrong, and it would not be fair if you dumped him because of this. Unless, of course, it makes you feel crap. It appears he is being kind to someone who once meant something to him, and does not really know how to handle it. He has done everything you have asked of him, has been totally transparent with all communications and appears to be dealing with it the best that he can.

I think he's trying to get you to solve his ex problem.

He has no boundaries and he's led his ex to think she's got enough influence in his life that she can tell him he can't have his gf over when she stays with him. She's invited to and going to intimate family stuff. He's either playing games or he's stupid. Do you really think he's stupid? After her calling his sister and getting a rambling message trash talking you?

If he had stood up for you the minute she tried to dictate when he could see you, that would be one thing. But he hasn't shut her down or she wouldn't be trash talking you to his sister and him. He hasn't definitively shut her down despite that and that says he's not really in it. He's trying to have it both ways.

I'd back out of this one. But I dislike spineless men who don't stand up for their gfs when someone with such an obvious agenda trash talks them. For most of the men I know, that would be an instant stop now and block situation.

You've done well throughout. You brought up an issue you had with ex sleeping over. You've been slow to introduce him to your kids and I bet you're glad of that now that you see he comes with drama that he won't shut down.

Good luck.

This.
He's a spineless man child who is clearly showing you that while he might like you, he isn't going to behave like an adult.

I wouldn't dream of being annoyed, nor would I tell him what to do.
I would simply say that I have zero interest in teenage drama so will leave you to it.

We teach people how to treat us.
I would get the ick from such ineptitude.
He is showing you who he is.

Drop the rope. Do you really want to be the only adult in the room?

Seen screenshot. It is very nasty but also have made it very clear she is not over him.

sent him a message. I have told him I honestly feel that he had to sort it out himself and neither of them are gonna be able to move on if she continues to be so intertwined in his and his families life. I have said I will not participate in drama as I am too busy to deal with bullshit like this.

That's such a shiny spine I'm blinded.

Nicely done. You've handled this whole situation so well, you saw a potential issue and then have nicely put the responsibility for handling the drama his ex is bringing where it belongs, on him.

Is he very young?

No we are all in our 30s which is why this has all surprised me if im honest.

Perfect, mature response, OP. Well said.

Only thing to add here is that if my brother had a girlfriend of 6 months and I was getting married, I'd happily have included her. Even if the ex was going to be there too. Even if it was a small wedding. I'd honour his current relationship and choice. Other people may feel differently.

Another note, and I'm reading into all this now - he was with his ex for 5 years. I suspect a discussion around marriage would have happened? This wedding might be quite loaded for exes who were together for 5 years and didn't marry? Loads of supposition here.

The sister can do what she wants for her wedding. But why the ex needs to stay with your BF I don’t know. Why doesn’t he come and stay with you?

His sister has uninvited her to the wedding. Not sure the ins and outs but did know he had messaged her sent screenshots to her at the same time as me. he literally just sent a message saying “Mia has let Julie know that it is best if she doesn’t come to the wedding. I have not replied to her since earlier and don’t plan to. Hope we are ok and I am really sorry that this has got out of hand.”