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Original poster

Bf ex going to sisters wedding and staying weekend

265 replies

Newusernameforthis123986 · 05/10/2025 21:59

Going to keep this as quick as possible and try not to be too outing.

bf has an ex broke up 18 months ago was together 5 years. No kids and was not married We have been together around 6 months recently met his family but still early days. We get on really well.

his ex has been invited to his sisters wedding at the end of year. I haven’t which is fine as new relationship and the wedding is small and they are having 30 people. She will be staying at bf for weekend as she lives accross the country and says she cannot afford a hotel. She has asked me not to be round that weekend as that would make her uncomfortable (can’t anyway as it’s my weekend with kids) but I still feel very uncomfortable. I have said it is slightly strange how she has specifically asked for to not be there and also wants to go to a very intimate close family wedding but he has said that it isn’t really on him in regards to the wedding list and he doesn’t want to be rude saying she can’t stay. I am thinking this may be a deal breaker for me as it feels like crossing a boundary or am I overthinking.

OP posts:
PopcornKitten · 08/10/2025 17:41

Newusernameforthis123986 · 08/10/2025 16:55

Without going into to much detail it seems like bf just felt done in the relationship and they were in different places.

in regards to others asking about why she was invited to such a small gathering I think it is a case of the family wanting to be nice as she had been around for a long time and was quite friendly with the sister and felt that leaving her out when bf and ex were in contact and close friends wouldn’t be right.

Show quote history

unfortunately, I think she has taken this nice offer and inclusion to mean something more than it does.
the kindest thing for all involved is to lay it all out straight to her.
shes also in danger of making this wedding all about her.

Original poster
Newusernameforthis123986 · 08/10/2025 18:17

PopcornKitten · 08/10/2025 17:41

unfortunately, I think she has taken this nice offer and inclusion to mean something more than it does.
the kindest thing for all involved is to lay it all out straight to her.
shes also in danger of making this wedding all about her.

Show quote history

I agree with you and by the sounds of what my bf is saying I think the family may be thinking the invite wasn’t the smartest move but I do think it was purely misguided kindness.

OP posts:
SpryUmberZebra · 08/10/2025 18:26

Newusernameforthis123986 · 08/10/2025 18:17

I agree with you and by the sounds of what my bf is saying I think the family may be thinking the invite wasn’t the smartest move but I do think it was purely misguided kindness.

Show quote history

Well at least this may lead to a clean cut from the family after this drama. Well done for advocating for yourself and establishing boundaries. It’s easier to let things slide but it creates a bigger mess later down the line.

JFDIYOLO · 09/10/2025 00:03

Yep, she's after him and the spanner in the works has caused her to throw a performance tantrum to try to manipulate the situation.

What she's doing is called using flying monkeys (his sister).

Stay strong. I'd be holding these boundaries:

"It's none of my business that your family and your ex continue to be friendly - that's fine.

But she does not get to dictate to you how you treat me.

And if you prioritise her feelings over mine, then we have a problem."

tragichero · 09/10/2025 00:30

She's a bit of a full of herself, isn't she?

I totally get that it's heartbreaking when you love someone and have to watch them moving on. Many of us have been there!

But I think she is tormenting herself by trying to pursue the "friendship" with him at this point.

It may be possible in the future.

I see my ex-husband, dd's dad, as one of my top 10 friends now, possibly close to the top 5. We don't socialise as such (he is still with the woman he left me for, so it wouldn't be right on many levels) but I know he has my back and I can turn to him for support in a crisis, advice, share a laugh over text, etc.

But there were many years when we just COULDN'T be like that. Because my heart was breaking.

For her own sake, this woman needs to step away. There may be a time when she can be disinterestedly friendly with him. But that ain't now.

You need to hold the line, OP. You've done brilliantly in making your boundaries compassionate yet clear. No problem with her going to the wedding (why would there be?) but her spending a fun weekend of catch up in your bf's house feels disrespectful to you, and you have made that clear. Rightly so.

See how it plays out. Don't let her drive you away with her wounded lashing out, if he remains respectful and kind and loyal. He's the one you are committing to.

Equally, if he gives any sign that he doesn't wholly favour you over her, I would be gone if I were you.

(Full admission, after my husband and I broke up because he was shagging his current partner, there were certain occasions on which he begged me to come back to him. And on some of those I did entertain it - we even had sex - because I still loved him - despite the fact that I knew he was at that point fully with the woman he had cheated on me with. Not my finest moments, but I do forgive myself. She found out and she stayed with him!

Don't be that woman, OP. If he is genuinely not fully over this ex - if any aspect of his words or behaviour shows you that - don't hang around to be humiliated. )

inigomontoyahwillcox · 09/10/2025 09:33

I think her extreme reaction is proving that at best she is unhealthily attached to her ex and is not able to move on, and at worst that she is aiming for a reunion. Either are not good and he needs to be cards on the table clear with her that it is not just "the best option" but compulsory (that she doesn't stay at his) if she is to come to the wedding, that they are no longer together and if there is any chance of a friendship between them in the future then she needs to back off.

She is clearly faking "concern" about your "controlling behaviour" towards him as an inroad with the sister.

Omgblueskys · 09/10/2025 09:49

Op honestly she's seen her arse, contacted soon to be bride moaning, like the bride hasn't enough to be getting on with,
Oh the drama, she's not getting to play house with you bf, guessing now she'll cry off wedding with some silly excuse,
Glad you bf put his foot down op,

OchreRaven · 09/10/2025 09:59

tragichero · 09/10/2025 00:30

She's a bit of a full of herself, isn't she?

I totally get that it's heartbreaking when you love someone and have to watch them moving on. Many of us have been there!

But I think she is tormenting herself by trying to pursue the "friendship" with him at this point.

It may be possible in the future.

I see my ex-husband, dd's dad, as one of my top 10 friends now, possibly close to the top 5. We don't socialise as such (he is still with the woman he left me for, so it wouldn't be right on many levels) but I know he has my back and I can turn to him for support in a crisis, advice, share a laugh over text, etc.

But there were many years when we just COULDN'T be like that. Because my heart was breaking.

For her own sake, this woman needs to step away. There may be a time when she can be disinterestedly friendly with him. But that ain't now.

You need to hold the line, OP. You've done brilliantly in making your boundaries compassionate yet clear. No problem with her going to the wedding (why would there be?) but her spending a fun weekend of catch up in your bf's house feels disrespectful to you, and you have made that clear. Rightly so.

See how it plays out. Don't let her drive you away with her wounded lashing out, if he remains respectful and kind and loyal. He's the one you are committing to.

Equally, if he gives any sign that he doesn't wholly favour you over her, I would be gone if I were you.

(Full admission, after my husband and I broke up because he was shagging his current partner, there were certain occasions on which he begged me to come back to him. And on some of those I did entertain it - we even had sex - because I still loved him - despite the fact that I knew he was at that point fully with the woman he had cheated on me with. Not my finest moments, but I do forgive myself. She found out and she stayed with him!

Don't be that woman, OP. If he is genuinely not fully over this ex - if any aspect of his words or behaviour shows you that - don't hang around to be humiliated. )

Why on earth would you feel bad? You didn’t owe the OW any loyalty, that was what your ex should have done. He didn’t show loyalty to you or the OW. You were navigating a broken heart and while sleeping with the person who broke it isn’t a good idea because of loyalty to yourself I would have thought it was good karma for her tbh but maybe I’m spiteful!

Im surprised after she found out she’s still ok with you two being so close. She’s probably not ok and he gaslights her but it was her choice to stay 🤷‍♀️

Dozer · 09/10/2025 13:09

Despite that he (and his sister) have sorted it now, I don’t think this episode reflects well on your boyfriend.

Seems like they dated a really long time, she wanted full commitment, he didn’t. If she is in her 30s he might have wasted her time. Since the breakup they’ve been in contact and he was OK with her staying at his - never a great idea when broken up - until you objected and things ‘got more serious’ with you.

Dozer · 09/10/2025 13:11

Boyfriend’s ex’s behaviour has sometimes been bad, particularly speaking to the bride which is poor form to say the least, but that wouldn’t matter had he handled it sensibly in the first place.

outerspacepotato · 09/10/2025 13:36

I have said it is slightly strange how she has specifically asked for to not be there and also wants to go to a very intimate close family wedding but he has said that it isn’t really on him in regards to the wedding list and he doesn’t want to be rude saying she can’t stay.

If you hadn't been proactive in bringing up how you were uncomfortable with her staying there, this would still be happening. Given how ex asked you not be around how she has acted since the invite to stay over at his place was rescinded, it's really obvious that she was going to use that weekend stay in his one bedroom to try to get him back. I think your BF's rationale that it was rude to not let her stay is very off.

She's played the pick me and it turned out poorly for her, but he was fine with her playing that game and I think his invite to stay encouraged her. He gave her hope even though he was involved with you and I think that shows him in a bit of a poor light. He likes validation.

You've been smart to take it slow with him meeting your kids and I would keep it that way.

Original poster
Newusernameforthis123986 · 09/10/2025 14:15

I honestly do think he was just trying to be nice. He said she found the breakup hard and she really wanted to remain friends so he went with it. They also had pre paid and pre planned events booked to decided to do that. I don’t think anything was malice or ego boosting just probably very misguided.

OP posts:
outerspacepotato · 09/10/2025 14:36

If he knew she found the breakup hard, most people would find it unhealthy to keep up connection. He doesn't have healthy boundaries.

Original poster
Newusernameforthis123986 · 09/10/2025 14:47

outerspacepotato · 09/10/2025 14:36

If he knew she found the breakup hard, most people would find it unhealthy to keep up connection. He doesn't have healthy boundaries.

I think he (stupidly I will admit) thought if he was able to be there platonically for her it would help and that then still going to events that was pre planned would mean she wasn’t missing out on things etc. although now it is obvious that she has probably taken it a different way I don’t think he meant to be mean or give false hope.

OP posts:
Roselily123 · 09/10/2025 15:06

@Newusernameforthis123986
i agree.

(men can be a bit dense sometimes - even the smart ones)
I think a lot of people , when breaking up with someone, will say, as a softner - ‘we can still be friends’
Men, if at all possible, like to extract themselves from relationships, in the easiest way possible.
we've all been the heartbroken ex , and it’s horrible. My ex didn’t leave me alone for nearly year. Every time he rang, I thought we’d have a big romantic reunion (not just sex Blush)..
So i think, she probably believes, they’ll get back together- I mean they’re still friends, aren’t they?
It’s warped thinking , but heartbreaks like that’s.
i think after this , it will all settled down.
it had to come to a head a some point- may as well be now/ the wedding.
And ex will start to move on on, for her own good

PopcornKitten · 09/10/2025 15:56

With everything you have said about him this is what I think too. He’s finding it hard to be assertive with her. Sounds like a people pleaser and often that can be to the detriment to loved ones.

Original poster
Newusernameforthis123986 · 09/10/2025 16:02

Just had a message from bf. She has messaged him a very long rambly message and he now says he has no idea how to move forward with the situation as it looks like she still does want to come down whatever but has apperantly said a lot. He has said he is happy for him to send a screenshot of it but she wasnt the nicest about me or the new relationship.

i am honestly feeling like this is all too much drama. We have been getting on great and before now has been very easy and chill. I don’t want to have to deal or worry about a friendship with a ex who is very much still attached.

OP posts:
outerspacepotato · 09/10/2025 16:12

What does he expect you to do about his ex? You can't fix this for him. Ew.

He's the one who either puts up boundaries in an unhealthy relationship that should have ended long ago or he plays people pleaser and she makes her move.

He's a grown adult, handle his drama on his own. I think he's got some red flags flying here, especially with the inability to shut someone behaving badly and with unrealistic expectations down. It's giving the ick that he can't or won't.

Protect your peace.

Skybluepinky · 09/10/2025 16:15

Strange your bf is agreeing to her staying with him.

Omgblueskys · 09/10/2025 16:19

No op as soon as she became not nice about you or your relationship ( none of her business) that's when bf should of stopped her and ended the conversation with, ' have a nice life'

NeedleTale · 09/10/2025 16:24

Omgblueskys · 09/10/2025 16:19

No op as soon as she became not nice about you or your relationship ( none of her business) that's when bf should of stopped her and ended the conversation with, ' have a nice life'

This. And, sure, get the screenshots. I'm sure you're curious about what you're dealing with. If they'd been offered to me, I'd say "hell, yes".

They might tell you more about him than her?

Nothing wrong at all about having a boundary around an ex staying over alone after a wedding.

JustMyView13 · 09/10/2025 16:30

He’s being open with you which I think is because he genuinely likes you & is trying to navigate this. Don’t read the messages. It won’t make you feel good about yourself, and won’t change or improve the situation. Knowing she’s being spiteful is enough.

Ultimately, he needs to tell her straight that it’s over, and her speaking ill of you is unacceptable and won’t change things. And I think it’s best he sends those messages to his DS & suggests she rescinds the invite so the wedding proceeds without drama.

He basically needs to shut this all down completely. And it’s his problem, not yours.

Satisfiedkitty · 09/10/2025 16:31

You can't make your bf put boundaries in place, you can only deal with your own position.

Just call your bf, explain that it's blindingly obvious that the the continuing friendship with his ex is toxic and unhealthy, and that you want no part in it.

It's up to him to resolve it, which is bloody easy for him to do if he chooses. Then step away and let him sort it out.

JustMyView13 · 09/10/2025 16:32

Skybluepinky · 09/10/2025 16:15

Strange your bf is agreeing to her staying with him.

It’s moved on quite a bit since then 🫣

RealEagle · 09/10/2025 16:36

Omgblueskys · 09/10/2025 16:19

No op as soon as she became not nice about you or your relationship ( none of her business) that's when bf should of stopped her and ended the conversation with, ' have a nice life'

Exactly this .