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Original poster

How do I enjoy being home now MIL lives here?

376 replies

Howdoyousolveaproblemlikemil · 05/10/2025 16:15

TLDR - MIL has moved in with us and I feel like I can never relax and just have a normal family life with DH and DC. Any tips?

MIL split up with her ex and was left with no choice but to sell her home. The equity left meant she could only afford a flat here or a small house in a neighbouring but less desirable town. MIL wasn't prepared to do that.
We were moving at the time and DH suggested if we pooled resources we could get somewhere bigger with space for her. I didn't love the idea but didn't have much choice.
We found a nice house but it doesn't have a separate granny annex. It has a second lounge and a downstairs ensuite but we have to share the kitchen.
MIL put in 10% of the purchase price, we put in 25% and took a 65% mortgage. MIL doesn't contribute to mortgage or bills as she can't afford to. Her spousal maintenance goes on running her car.
DH took redundancy 5 years ago and is the primary carer for our 2 school age DC. He does some part time work but earns about 10% of what I do.
Therefore I feel the financial responsibility for the mortgage, bills and general keeping a roof over everyone's head.
However, my bigger problem is I don't feel like I can ever relax downstairs in my house. I don't enjoy her company. She's racist and opinionated. She talks at me when I just want to relax or cook dinner in peace after a long day at work. She makes tit for tat judgemental comments about things like the dog's food being left out all day because I'd asked her to get rid of some rotting fruit. She disciplines my kids when it's none of her business and they are just being a bit loud when playing.
There's not really any chance of things changing so I'm looking for ways to feel like it's my home and to relax in it without constantly feeling irritated by her. Any advice?

OP posts:
rose69 · 05/10/2025 16:17

Leave your partner and MiL.

WannabeMathematician · 05/10/2025 16:18

Why isn’t your partner calling out her opinions?

WonderingWanda · 05/10/2025 16:23

Is there anyway to add an extention to make her space more of a separate annexe? This isn't going to work long term. Maybe your dh cam build it seeing as he doesn't work.

CherryBlossom321 · 05/10/2025 16:24

What do you mean you didn’t have much choice? How has this happened if you didn’t like the idea?

whimsicallyprickly · 05/10/2025 16:24

As the MN saying goes.....you have a DP/DH problem NOT a MIL problem

inamo · 05/10/2025 16:24

I'd sell the house, give her back her contribution and move somewhere there's no room for her. You will eventually either have breakdown/mental health crisis or divorce anyway if she stays.

You say you didn't have much choice in this arrangement, can I ask why? If as I suspect you were outnumbered then I would definitely consider leaving or as I said selling and leaving her to do her own thing.

Sounds drastic, but something will happen eventually and you may as well plan now.

PosiePerkinPootleFlump · 05/10/2025 16:27

Put the house on the market, give her money back and move.

This isn’t going to work. If you do nothing you’ll end up divorced and the house will need to be sold anyway…

NellieElephantine · 05/10/2025 16:28

How old are your dc/dh?

Surely his going back to any job and paying for childcare would have you better off?
Am assuming mil doesn't work? Why can't she help out with kids since she pays nothing?
They've really had you over, haven't they!

NellieElephantine · 05/10/2025 16:30

PosiePerkinPootleFlump · 05/10/2025 16:27

Put the house on the market, give her money back and move.

This isn’t going to work. If you do nothing you’ll end up divorced and the house will need to be sold anyway…

And he'll follow in her footsteps by claiming he's main carer and needs spousal..

FuzzyWolf · 05/10/2025 16:30

Assuming your plan on staying with your DH and your MIL won’t be moving out then I would turn her space into a separate area and put a kitchette in for her. Let her know that in the evenings your house is off limits to her.

Bonbon21 · 05/10/2025 16:30

What age is she? Can she not work to get some income and contribute to the bills.. running a car is a luxury she cant afford otherwise!

Isitsticky · 05/10/2025 16:31

Shame you didn't post here before you agreed to that. And she's not contributing proportionally to the mortgage?

PlanningOnRunningAway · 05/10/2025 16:31

This is my worst nightmare. My MIL is pretty nice but having someone else, not a part of the marriage in my space would drive me crazy. Is she named on the house deeds/mortgage? How difficult will it be to separate all the finances? With her there, DH may revert a bit to the child role, and if he's there all day with her chirping in his ear about things - oh man. That's tough. I wish you all the best with it, I know I wouldn't be able to do it long term, especially as you will probably end up being her carers as she gets older.

Icanttakethisanymore · 05/10/2025 16:32

You need to remodel your house or move. I’m sorry OP, I know this isn’t helpful but this was a terrible idea. you need to add a kitchenette to her living room or in some other way give her an entire separate space to live in. I would also want a separate entrance for her.

I wouldn’t do this with my MIL (without a self contained annex) and I love her and enjoy her company.

Ponderingwindow · 05/10/2025 16:38

So for 10% she lives for free for the rest of her life? Do the math and look at the monthly contribution over the next 10, 20, or 30 years. Does it even cover the cost of having her in the house?

there is no way to make peace with this because it is ridiculous.

if you insist

  1. call out every racist comment in front of your children. It must be done
  2. add a sitting space to your bedroom and spend your time there
Skybluepinky · 05/10/2025 16:40

More fool you, you should have let her go to a small flat out of the way.

Ddakji · 05/10/2025 16:42

God, that sounds awful. I would never have one of our olds actually living in the same house as us.

You need to speak to your DH and make it clear it’s not working for you.

NellieElephantine · 05/10/2025 16:42

Ponderingwindow · 05/10/2025 16:38

So for 10% she lives for free for the rest of her life? Do the math and look at the monthly contribution over the next 10, 20, or 30 years. Does it even cover the cost of having her in the house?

there is no way to make peace with this because it is ridiculous.

if you insist

  1. call out every racist comment in front of your children. It must be done
  2. add a sitting space to your bedroom and spend your time there

Agree and what then happens if she needs a care home? You have to sell anyway?

EnjoythemoneyJane · 05/10/2025 16:43

I mean … this whole scenario was completely predictable. You know what she’s like and that her opinions and behaviour grate on you, so why did you agree to it in the first place? And then why on earth did you buy an unsuitable house without properly separate accommodation? If you’re the one doing all the graft to keep the show on the road financially, surely you had a major say in the arrangements?

It’s odd that you seem so surprised about the net result. There’s really no option other than to create a separate kitchen for your MIL. Failing that, sell. But it’s a hell of a waste of time, money and effort just to resolve a situation that could easily have been avoided.

ComfortFoodCafe · 05/10/2025 16:44

Id be getting a divorce & selling the house. Your going to end up flipping out if you do not sort this.

We let mil live with us once when she was saving up too move out, she didnt save up and after 6 momths of her always being on top of us I had to tell her to leave she would of stayed with us forever if I hadnt.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 05/10/2025 16:44

What do you mean you didn't have much choice?

It's not like your husband is the breadwinner and you can't stop him from making the financial decisions without your involvement.

Are there cultural issues at play here?

orangewasp · 05/10/2025 16:47

Sell up, give her portion of the deposit back and buy something else. She's an adult and housing herself, be it in a small flat or less desirable location, is her responsibility. And your DH needs to get back into proper work too and share the burden. They both sound useless.

Longleggy · 05/10/2025 16:49

Exactly how did you not have a choice? Especially seeing as you’re the primary earner? It would have been a hard No from Me. Not much you can do now apart from say it’s not working / sell up / leave them both to it!

Thundertoast · 05/10/2025 16:49

How old is she/how is her health? Im assuming her ex was very wealthy and she has never worked, if she is getting spousal maintenance and isnt bringing in any other money to contribute to the household, but if that was the case then surely she would have had more money to buy a house - bit more info needed here as to why you agreed to this and why she isnt bringing any money in....

outerspacepotato · 05/10/2025 16:50

You're one person supporting 3 adults and ? children.

It will get worse as she ages. Sell the house before she needs care. You could be really fucked here. See a lawyer ASAP about what to expect if you split up.

Personally, I would have left the minute she moved in and filed.