How do I enjoy being home now MIL lives here?

[Howdoyousolveaproblemlikemil]

TLDR - MIL has moved in with us and I feel like I can never relax and just have a normal family life with DH and DC. Any tips?

MIL split up with her ex and was left with no choice but to sell her home. The equity left meant she could only afford a flat here or a small house in a neighbouring but less desirable town. MIL wasn't prepared to do that.
We were moving at the time and DH suggested if we pooled resources we could get somewhere bigger with space for her. I didn't love the idea but didn't have much choice.
We found a nice house but it doesn't have a separate granny annex. It has a second lounge and a downstairs ensuite but we have to share the kitchen.
MIL put in 10% of the purchase price, we put in 25% and took a 65% mortgage. MIL doesn't contribute to mortgage or bills as she can't afford to. Her spousal maintenance goes on running her car.
DH took redundancy 5 years ago and is the primary carer for our 2 school age DC. He does some part time work but earns about 10% of what I do.
Therefore I feel the financial responsibility for the mortgage, bills and general keeping a roof over everyone's head.
However, my bigger problem is I don't feel like I can ever relax downstairs in my house. I don't enjoy her company. She's racist and opinionated. She talks at me when I just want to relax or cook dinner in peace after a long day at work. She makes tit for tat judgemental comments about things like the dog's food being left out all day because I'd asked her to get rid of some rotting fruit. She disciplines my kids when it's none of her business and they are just being a bit loud when playing.
There's not really any chance of things changing so I'm looking for ways to feel like it's my home and to relax in it without constantly feeling irritated by her. Any advice?

It reads as though mil and dh are really taking the piss out of you op. You have a voice too.

You're a high warner so I'm assuming you're not vulnerable...

So I'm confident to say you're not just a mug but a fool.

Agreeing with all the pp, but if you feel hemmed into a corner where you HAVE to stay with her, I would look into extending slightly or creating a self contained separate space for her in some way, so that you don’t have to share the kitchen. It might need to be bluntly stated, but I agree completely that your H and his siblings have done a number on you. You say you do love him but that f you’re honest, have there been other times when he has forced you into something you didn’t want to do, by emotional manipulation? Is this a pattern or a one-off (albeit a horrific and major one)?

Astonished you went into this knowing she was a snob, it was never going to work out all cosy around the TV of an evening so what on earth were you thinking?

I'd have to raise her 10% and get shot ASAP. Did your dh also receive 20K from her largesse?

Yet you sound like a very clever woman op ,your obviously earning well ,so your not stupid ..yet your in a dreadful situation
How on earth did you get bullied in to this .
Your supporting financially the pair of them
10% of the purchase price is all she contributed...why didn't you demand more ,why did you agree to her gifting the other siblings 20 grand each ..that should of been used to pay for her keep ..now your subsidising her ,so the siblings can have cash gift ...your husband has not got your back ..he is quite happy using you ,and allowing his mother to use you to ..
As soon as he gets a job ,I'd be going for a divorce..the pair of them are leaches on you ..

Why hasn't DH got a job ..
Is he angling to be a full time stay at home dad / cock lodger

You'll have to start pushing back, HARD, she wont be used to people standing up to her. C'mon OP, let us help you to regenerate your backbone!

You did have a choice, you just didn’t make it. You now have another choice. You deal with the mess you allowed or you move on.

The easiest least drastic route is to reconfigure the space so she has a separate kitchen (likely to be cheaper than moving) and if at all possible linked to her other rooms so she has a separate flat.
Get an architect round for ideas. Maybe in her living room perhaps by extending it if. needed.

And make it clear that you have evenings and weekends separate unless you invite her, eg for Sunday roast. It might be good to agree to share one or two meals a week so she knows there will be some contact so she knows not to come at other times. Also I think this might make you one household for council tax, so worth checking.

I’d also make sure the siblings know that she’s not contributing to anything so she doesn’t moan about all the free childcare she does. Separate living spaces in the evening is very common in this kind of situation. Maybe the siblings can help her pay for it if they have any of their 20k left over!

You don't like her views, or her behaviour towards you and your children. Don't worry about how she reacts but a judicious 'Fuck off Rosemary' every now & then might help you feel better.

Hi OP,

I thought I'd comment as a couple of years my DM and I bought a house together. I live with DP and my DC and she lives with my stepdad.

Before we bought the house we had to have some very honest conversations about what would work and what we all wanted. There have been rows along the way but it's settled down into a workable solution.

We created an annexe that is entirely self-contained for my DM and stepdad. We are lucky as we're on a corner plot so they have the side garden and we have the back garden.

For us, there HAD to be a degree of separation - we had to share a kitchen for a while when we were doing the building work and honestly it was hell.

As many PP have said, you need to sit down together and just say this isn't working in the current format. No one is happy - she's annoyed at you mentioning manky rotten fruit and she's niggling at you about leaving the dog food out, let alone the issues with not being able to switch off and relax in peace without the need for conversation.

I think you need to say that changes need to be made and that you can decide on the right options together. Tell her the options are that either you sell up and go your separate ways - and she gets her 10% back minus her share of any fees - or you find a way to create independent areas within the house without the need to share facilities.

I would say that even if you have to borrow more to do some building work, it would be worth it for the peace of mind you'll get (assuming that you can afford it). I've got a thread up somewhere about the building work we did.

Even if she was the loveliest soul in the world - and it doesn't sound as if she is - then sharing spaces is pretty difficult. We have an internal connecting door between us and DM - we've had to train her to knock which she wasn't best pleased about. The other thing we do sometimes is prop our washing airer up behind it so that she can't come bursting in, even if she wanted to.

I would really urge you to try and make some changes - this isn't something you can just live with.

I'm happy to answer any questions about our set-up if it helps.

Man, she saw you coming.

You say your husband's siblings got 20k and you got her. Bad deal.

Did your husband get 20k? If not, you've been played.

Get your husband back to full time work. Tell him you're stressing out being the only financial provider, whatever. He goes back to work full time. The free ride is over. He's been playing for 5 years and that ride just shut down.

You really do need legal advice. Your husband lets his mom run your lives and you need information as to your house split as to whether you are partially fucked or completely fucked when you lose it over supporting this pair. You need info as how to get out with the most financial security for you. Your husband is not your ally. He's his Mama's boy first. That's why you have her living in your home and telling you what for . You're not going to be able to live this way forever and it seems to fall out that the meaner they are, the longer they live.

I don't think she'll survive that long living with OP and behaving as she is :)

So basically his siblings got £20k and you got to pay for her living expenses for the rest of her life?
Sounds like a bit of coercive control and manipulation to me.
Hard to believe anyone would volunteer to live with a racist demanding woman without some pressure.
His siblings must be thrilled with themselves, what a stroke they pulled off.

And he doesn't work much?
Unbelievable OP.

What a mess.
You have to get her out of your house. She could live 40 more years.

So her other children, do they have spare bedrooms?!
So she gave £20k to how many of your DHs siblings? And how many £k has she put in your house? Aren't her other children beholden to taking her in for a month or two in each year, can't she spare room surf around her kids? Or is it just your DH that she's able to manipulate?

She needs to get a job delivering pizzas in that car to pay you rent

How long would it take you to buy her out? Or alternatively how long would it take you to raise a deposit on an investment property to stick her in.

Or get her a camping stove for her living room and put a lock on your living room and kitchen doors 🤣

I could not live like this. I would have to sell the house. Never mind the upheaval. Your marriage won't survive her living with you and your kids, how is she going to impact their childhoods?

Sounds like she has almost no income and possibly too young for her state pension -so what will she live on in her annexe?
if she had a flat in a block of small flats she might make friends, get a life, hobbies, which she probably doesn’t bother with with you all around her.
so would prob be happier. And other family can give support, visit her,have her to stay.

Get your husband to go back to work so you can save enough to buy her out. What possessed you to agree to this in the first place? No way would I agree to live like this for the rest of my life.

MIL split up with her ex and was left with no choice but to sell her home. The equity left meant she could only afford a flat here or a small house in a neighbouring but less desirable town. MIL wasn't prepared to do that.

What was her plan then if she didn't have you to walk all over?
She and her son, your DH, are walking all over you.

I'd make it clear your marriage is in jeopardy and this can't continue.
Insist the house be sold. Either with a divorce or without; either way, she's out of your home.

What an awful situation. I’d tell her this situation isn’t working and you think she should all move and go back to the orginal plan or find somewhere with a proper granny annexe.
And call her out every time she’s racist and rude. Why should you put up with that in your own home?

How old are we all? MIL 60s, DH & me late 30s, DC 7 (year 3) & 5 (year 1)

Unless you want to spend the next 20, 30, 40 years of your life with her, you need to accept the blazing row that's coming and tell your DH she has to go. End of.

Depriving herself of assets by giving money to the other children in her family wasn't reasonable under the circumstances either ... so they get her money and she gets yours? Fuck that!

I can’t imagine why you agreed to this in the first place, sounds like a nightmare. Not helpful I know, but why didn’t you “have much choice”? Considering you’re the main earner that seems odd.

I would avoid making alterations to confine her territory. For one thing, she won't stick to it. For another, the cost will reduce your options. Not to mention giving the clear message that this is permanent. Get her out and into her own place.

This was only ever going to work for your mil, how could you not see this! you had a say. You now say its not working ang give her money back and boot her out.

I know you've said you've been rowing with your husband over this and he doesn't want a confrontation with her, but does he see at least see and admit to the problems you've pointed out? It sounds like he spends more time with her than you do if they're both home during the day; if he genuinely doesn't see the issues you point out then either he has completely different standards than you or she's treating you a lot worse and maybe only doing it when he's not around? But he should be supporting you and taking your word for what has happened anyway, and he must see the effect on the children.

If he does see and acknowledge most of the problems, he has to either talk with her firmly either on his own or with you and set out firm rules for everyone in the household, starting with parents discipline their own children only and no racism, no exceptions. I don't know why everyone's so afraid of upsetting her - well, I do but it sound like everyone else is directly or indirectly upset, so why not her? And if you're not all eating together, try setting up times for each person to use the kitchen or other common areas - it's not ideal, but you need to relieve some of the pressure while you figure out a long-erm solution.

This sounds horrendous.and completely unsustainable and needs a major rethink if you want your marriage to survive.
can you add a small kitchen area and a lockable door between the two parts so she can only visit by arrangement? She can be there when you’re at work and then give you space in the evenings and weekends. Time to get tough with your DH. You need to be able to be just the four of you and you need to be able to relax. MIL needs to find her own interests and friends outside the house.