Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How do I enjoy being home now MIL lives here?

376 replies

Howdoyousolveaproblemlikemil · 05/10/2025 16:15

TLDR - MIL has moved in with us and I feel like I can never relax and just have a normal family life with DH and DC. Any tips?

MIL split up with her ex and was left with no choice but to sell her home. The equity left meant she could only afford a flat here or a small house in a neighbouring but less desirable town. MIL wasn't prepared to do that.
We were moving at the time and DH suggested if we pooled resources we could get somewhere bigger with space for her. I didn't love the idea but didn't have much choice.
We found a nice house but it doesn't have a separate granny annex. It has a second lounge and a downstairs ensuite but we have to share the kitchen.
MIL put in 10% of the purchase price, we put in 25% and took a 65% mortgage. MIL doesn't contribute to mortgage or bills as she can't afford to. Her spousal maintenance goes on running her car.
DH took redundancy 5 years ago and is the primary carer for our 2 school age DC. He does some part time work but earns about 10% of what I do.
Therefore I feel the financial responsibility for the mortgage, bills and general keeping a roof over everyone's head.
However, my bigger problem is I don't feel like I can ever relax downstairs in my house. I don't enjoy her company. She's racist and opinionated. She talks at me when I just want to relax or cook dinner in peace after a long day at work. She makes tit for tat judgemental comments about things like the dog's food being left out all day because I'd asked her to get rid of some rotting fruit. She disciplines my kids when it's none of her business and they are just being a bit loud when playing.
There's not really any chance of things changing so I'm looking for ways to feel like it's my home and to relax in it without constantly feeling irritated by her. Any advice?

OP posts:
RedRedCapris · 05/10/2025 17:58

2 adults paying zero into the household is not sustainable

Both need PT jobs

MIL could PT and or volunteer ?

You will burn out & become resentful

Why are you cooking, when 2 adults are not working ?

madaboutpurple · 05/10/2025 17:59

Would you have the space for a caravan that has its own kitchen and bathroom, this could help.

Zempy · 05/10/2025 18:00

I can’t understand how you ended up in this position? Why did you agree to it?

Your options are to slowly go insane living with this dreadful woman, or tell DH he gets to choose which one of you he lives with.

Sugargliderwombat · 05/10/2025 18:00

You say this isn't working and sell.

ApricotCheesecake · 05/10/2025 18:00

You didn't have much choice? You should have put your foot down OP! I would be absolutely miserable in this situation.

MO0N · 05/10/2025 18:02

reversingdumptruckwithnotyreson · 05/10/2025 17:55

Why didn’t she want to buy a flat? Was this a case of “I’m too good to live in a measly flat” or are there any additional considerations?

Regardless, as the breadwinner you are the one with the most power. Try to remind yourself of that.

She didnt want to live in a flat because she knew she could manipulate her son & DIL into keeping her in the manner to which she had become accustomed.
And allowing her to shoot her racist mouth off and dominate her lilly livered DIL.

suburburban · 05/10/2025 18:03

Why are you having to cook anyway when your dh is at home

mil could be doing more as well

sesquipedalian · 05/10/2025 18:04

“The equity left meant she could only afford a flat here or a small house in a neighbouring but less desirable town. MIL wasn't prepared to do that.”

Well, I would have said, tough. If that’s all she can afford, so be it. I know it’s too late now, OP, but what on earth possessed you to live with her? My DPs took in my DGM and her partner - and as all their children had told them it would be before the event, it was a disaster. My DPs paid to build an annexe - it cost them a fortune, but the situation would otherwise have been completely untenable.
OP, you are going to be driven mad by this situation, and you will have to find some way of resolving it - you can’t be the only breadwinner and not even be able to come home to your own kitchen. How is MIL in such a dire financial situation that she can only afford her car? Why in earth did you agree to her coming to live with you when she’s not even contributing to bills? This will grate more and more as the DC get older and need/want more expensive things. You are going to have to get your DH to speak to her, to say that the kitchen is, say, yours before you go to work, and yours between 5 and 7, or whatever works for you. Otherwise, either your marriage will end, or you’ll be putting up a post asking how to dispose of a body…

MrsLizzieDarcy · 05/10/2025 18:05

Try reframing it. You're the main breadwinner and they are both living off you. Therefore you have the biggest say in how the house is run.

Call a family meeting and arrange a time for her to have use of the kitchen that fits around YOUR work schedule, and then make it clear that you need time and peace to unwind so that's when she needs to use her lounge space. And why isn't she offering childcare so your DH can work longer hours?

People can only walk all over you if you let them.

jollygoose · 05/10/2025 18:06

I live with my family DD and her husband and children. I have my own living room bathroom and bedroom. I've turned a corner of living room into small kitchette with tiny freezer. Whilst the family is out at work/school I often use their kitchen to batch cook. I contribute share of expenses and happily tuck myself away in my own space in the evenings. I am often invited to Sunday lunch then sometimes stay and play games but not too long. When the family has visitors I often pretend to be busy so they can enjoy them without me butting in. For the sake of family unity there has to be a degree of separation and never never intefere with child/parent disagreements! Although the boys will often sneak into my domain if they have been told off.

TonTonMacoute · 05/10/2025 18:07

The key to successful inter-generational is separate front doors and your own space. Your family has got this badly wrong I'm afraid

itsgettingweird · 05/10/2025 18:07

If she could afford a flat or house outright (100% of it) then why can she only afford 10% of this property?

It’s either a mansion - so make her have a separate annexe or she was going to work and have a mortgage or she has more money than she’s put in?

And yes, use her for childcare and your DH can work as she’s around every day.

Also why are you cooking of your DH doesn’t work?

AmandaHoldensLips · 05/10/2025 18:10

This is not a good situation.

However, you did your best, went along with it (even though you had deep reservations), gave it your best shot and it's not working out.

You have several options, all of which probably mean that you will have to sell up and reconfigure the living arrangements.

First option - sell up, return her money, and she buys her own home. Tough luck if it's not her idea of what she wants. It's going to be what she can afford.

Second option - sell up, split up, take your share and rebuild your life.

Third option - tell your DH that you're not prepared to live with his mother any more and see what solution he comes up with.

Most importantly. Your MIL is not your responsibility, or your husband's for that matter. She is now a parasite in your house for the snip price of 10% of the purchase price and no further financial responsibilities attached.

Wadadli · 05/10/2025 18:12

inamo · 05/10/2025 16:24

I'd sell the house, give her back her contribution and move somewhere there's no room for her. You will eventually either have breakdown/mental health crisis or divorce anyway if she stays.

You say you didn't have much choice in this arrangement, can I ask why? If as I suspect you were outnumbered then I would definitely consider leaving or as I said selling and leaving her to do her own thing.

Sounds drastic, but something will happen eventually and you may as well plan now.

Agreed!

Hankunamatata · 05/10/2025 18:13

Your going to have to be blunt and speak to mil each time about her behaviour and be clear you wnt to be left alone to cook
Or
You sell the house

MO0N · 05/10/2025 18:13

She is now a parasite in your house for the snip price of 10% of the purchase price and no further financial responsibilities attached
The moral of this tale is 'do not just stand there with your mouth open when you see a tapeworm looking for a new host'
(yes I know I have misrepresented the tapeworm lifecycle)

LBFseBrom · 05/10/2025 18:13

It would have been better for her to buy a small flat.

If she has her own sitting room, make sure you keep to your sitting room. There's not much you can do about the kitchen but don't use it as a social space, just for cooking, maybe eating if you have to but not when she is doing her food. Hopefully she has her own kitchen cupboard; her own little fridge and freezer would be a good idea if you have the room.

I presume she does her laundry separately, that shouldn't interfere with you.

Tell your children their grandmother needs her privacy so they are not in and out of her room all the time. Obviously they'll see her sometimes, so they should, but the point is they don't live with her, they live with you and their dad. There are two separate households under one roof.

Make sure your husband is behind you in this and enforces it firmly but gently.

If none of that works, threaten to leave. I wouldn't put up with it.

There's a lot of racism/xenophobia about at the moment, more so than a few years back and particularly amongst elderly people. It's vicious, horrible. I should know, I am 75 :-). I hear a lot around where I live and, frankly, cannot wait to move, consulting Rightmove is my current hobby. However I wouldn't have thought your mother in law was that old.

You'd be within your rights to say you don't want that sort of talk in front of your children who are impressionable. They will hear it from others as they go about life but they shouldn't hear it in their own home. I used to insist on that years ago.

Good luck.

Unacceptableinthe80s · 05/10/2025 18:14

We were moving at the time and DH suggested if we pooled resources we could get somewhere bigger with space for her. I didn't love the idea but didn't have much choice.

How did you not have a choice? You absolutely did, even more so given you're paying for it all, and you chose to allow her to live with you. Why? Why did you think you're needs/wants weren't important?
So many women on here with similar stories behaving like they don't have a say In their own lives. You have a voice, use it.

Rosscameasdoody · 05/10/2025 18:19

OP have you considered what’s going to happen if she needs full time care at any point in the future ? Her interest in your home may be considered for care fees at some point.

likeacircleinaspirallikeawheelwithinawheel · 05/10/2025 18:19

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

CRCGran · 05/10/2025 18:21

FuzzyWolf · 05/10/2025 16:30

Assuming your plan on staying with your DH and your MIL won’t be moving out then I would turn her space into a separate area and put a kitchette in for her. Let her know that in the evenings your house is off limits to her.

This.....👆
Add a small kitchenette into her living room and she's essentially then got her own apartment. And absolutely do clamp down on her disciplining your kids. A very firm "I'm their mother.. I'll decide if they need told off"!! And also.... get your husband to man up and lay some ground rules... Also, how is that the only income she has? And it takes all if it to maintain her car?? Yeah, right !! Not contributing at all is just taking the p*ss!! She's landed herself a very easy ride, but if she's there to stay permanently you have got to take control of the situation and put her FIRMLY in her place

Venturini · 05/10/2025 18:27

Divorce. Sorry OP.

BluntPlumHam · 05/10/2025 18:27

Your MIL didn’t move in with you, she moved into a property that she invested in too. It was a stupid decision to begin with by pooling in your finances.

BunnyLake · 05/10/2025 18:28

Why on earth didn't she buy a flat (as per your OP?). This arrangement would have been a flat out no if there was no annex.

Is there any way of making her living area more self contained? She should not be allowed free reign in the house all hours, put some limitations in place. Time for a serious talk with your dh. Why were you so passive in this terrible decision?

MO0N · 05/10/2025 18:30

The DH here is surely a mummy's boy who does whatever mummy tells him to.