How do I enjoy being home now MIL lives here?

[Howdoyousolveaproblemlikemil]

TLDR - MIL has moved in with us and I feel like I can never relax and just have a normal family life with DH and DC. Any tips?

MIL split up with her ex and was left with no choice but to sell her home. The equity left meant she could only afford a flat here or a small house in a neighbouring but less desirable town. MIL wasn't prepared to do that.
We were moving at the time and DH suggested if we pooled resources we could get somewhere bigger with space for her. I didn't love the idea but didn't have much choice.
We found a nice house but it doesn't have a separate granny annex. It has a second lounge and a downstairs ensuite but we have to share the kitchen.
MIL put in 10% of the purchase price, we put in 25% and took a 65% mortgage. MIL doesn't contribute to mortgage or bills as she can't afford to. Her spousal maintenance goes on running her car.
DH took redundancy 5 years ago and is the primary carer for our 2 school age DC. He does some part time work but earns about 10% of what I do.
Therefore I feel the financial responsibility for the mortgage, bills and general keeping a roof over everyone's head.
However, my bigger problem is I don't feel like I can ever relax downstairs in my house. I don't enjoy her company. She's racist and opinionated. She talks at me when I just want to relax or cook dinner in peace after a long day at work. She makes tit for tat judgemental comments about things like the dog's food being left out all day because I'd asked her to get rid of some rotting fruit. She disciplines my kids when it's none of her business and they are just being a bit loud when playing.
There's not really any chance of things changing so I'm looking for ways to feel like it's my home and to relax in it without constantly feeling irritated by her. Any advice?

She needs to spend more time in her separate lounge while spend time in yours. Yes of course spend some time together in one, but not all the time. Your marriage probably won’t survive it otherwise

Agree. How on god’s earth did you have no say in the matter?

This will very rapidly wreck your MH and your marriage. Is the marriage even worth salvaging though?

Talking at you? Tit for tatting? Grumbling, sponging and not helping? No!

I also would recommend @Howdoyousolveaproblemlikemil speaks to a lawyer.

If her husband has stopped working and is is the primary child carer, the OP could be royally screwed in a divorce. She may be better off playing the long game and trying to get her husband back into full time work with both of them doing equal childcare before thinking about divorce.

The worst outcome for her would be that they divorce and her husband and MIL get to keep the house and children and she just gets to keep paying towards it.

Oh god OP, I would have never agreed to this in the first place. I hope you can find a resolution 🤞🏼

Well OP you've definitely earned your place in heaven. This would literally happen over my dead body. Someone not wanting to do something (live in a flat or less desirable area) doesn't mean everyone else has to accommodate them. How on earth have you allowed this to happen? Unless you have an unusually close relationship this situation will always end badly. Please talk to your husband and make it VERY clear this cannot go on...it will end in tears and most probably divorce when everyone will be in undesirable living situations 💐

Another who suggests you see a lawyer asap. Is she on the deeds? If so does her share reflect the % she contributed?

I would be asking her to contribute to the ongoing bills in the meantime . Either based on 1/5 or square footage that she occupies ( whichever works in your favour)
She has a car - does she work?

I would also be sitting my DH down and telling him that I would not be financially supporting his mother, now or in the future. So he had better think about earning some more himself.

May I ask, is there a cultural expectation that made your DH suggest this? As while it works well for him and his mummy, it’s a shit deal for you.

Put the house on the market, return her share of the money and move.

And what happens if she needs additional care?. Will she expect her son, not just to say you, to do that for her?.

I agree about the long game. Start moaning about how the financial stress is hitting hard and he needs to go back to full time work because his mom has become a dependent drain on your finances.

I really feel for you, Op. There is no way I could have my in-laws or even my parents living with us.
Hope you can find a solution,

So I think what you could do is emotionally detach from MIL and disengage from any chat.
Saying 'Hmmm' or 'mmmm‘ is a way to do this.
It seems like you are listening but you are not. But it also doesn’t indicate agreement just a sort of vague acknowledgement.
You could also wear headphones maybe when cooking? My DF is here at the moment. Talks constantly. I put my headphones on and listen to a podcast or music. Distracts me and cheers me up.
Could you talk to DH and agree times when you have the kitchen to yourself? I guess she may not stick to this though.
It could be time to get some marriage therapy for you and DH to make some boundaries and guidelines for you and him so everyone can relax in this new arrangement.
It does sound very challenging

MissScarlett is right.
If your children are at school, then DH can work.
I think you need to be lot blunter about your own feeling and needs.
Tell DH you are not prepared to carry the financial burden alone. Tell him and MiL that they need to start contributing, that they can both get jobs, and meanwhile MiL neeeds to be paying at least 1/5 of all bills, and DH 2/5.
Tell them both you will not tolerate racism of any description and they can expect you to be calling them out every time it happens. Tell them you need time alone when you get in from work, and your sitting room is not for MiL unless you specifically invite her.
Tell them they need to be doing a fair share of the housework cooking and childcare.
It might even be worth you dropping a day at work so that DH can’t claim to be primary carer.
No one is worrying about hurting your feelings or stressing you out, you can afford to be blunt with them.
Mainly insist on DH getting a job so he can’t continue shafting you.

Break up with them both.

Why on earth did you agree to that in the first place?

DH suggested if we pooled resources we could get somewhere bigger with space for her. I didn't love the idea but didn't have much choice

If this is true, you don't have much of a marriage.

Wrap her up in a giant union jack, and dump her outside the local british legion.

Absolutely stick the house back on the market and give her the money back as a pp said. Not wanting to live in a flat or the less nice town are very much 'her' problems - I have no idea how your partner convinced you to make them your problem. She doesn't even sound like a nice person!

Urgh! I feel so sorry for you as your MIL sounds utterly dreaful. You've been sold down the river by your DH although I'm not sure why you agreed to this arrangement. Tell her that it isn't her place to discipline your kids and make sure your DH backs you up. Does she sit in the second sitting room or does she sit with you and your DH every evening?

If she starts spouting racist nonsense, tell her that she cannot say those things in your house and in front of your children. What does your DH think about her behaviour?

If things don't improve, you probably need to separate.

Why does she get spousal support - that’s usually only if one partner is hugely rich. If that’s the case then why did she not get more cash in equity.

Either way, you’ve made a massive mistake. You’ll probably have to divorce to get out of it now.

Take heed of what others have said about DH being the main carer if you divorce/separate and DH is not working. I'm not sure how it works but someone will explain.

This. You should never agreed to this OP, it’s unlikely to end well

I didn't love the idea but didn't have much choice

Why not?

You do it step by step.
First how is your dh feeling about it all? If he is a SAHP, I’m assuming he is with her all day long. Which might or might not go down well,

Then boundaries.
She makes a comment about the dog food? Ignore. Or grey rock her and answer very calmly Somethimg ‘oh, ok’. That’s it. Dint give her any ammunition.
See if you can get your dh support and let him deal with her most of the time.
Agree on times when MIL isn’t welcome. Eg some evenings are just for the two of you in the living room. Put it as ‘having undisturbed couple time’.
Basically, you need to organise your life do that you have much more Lara.lel lives than you have atm. A granny flat would have made it easier. You need to find away to do it within your home.

At some point, if things don’t improve, it will have to be a make or break situation. And by that I mean break the arrangement with MIL (there was, is and always was other solutions than her living with you.) or your marriage.
Because very did o,y Thetes no way you’re going to live with someone who thinks she can act like the matriarch and boss you around/make your life a misery

Exactly.

OP has been very foolish agree to this - as the main earner on the mortgage you had multiple reasons to put your foot down.

Now you are really in a bind.

Will your DH at least get a job and share the load and have a word with MIL ?

And btw, I agree your dh can work.
Your MIL could do some before or after school chikdcare in return for been given free accomodation. Etc….

YOU need to take charge and start putting demands on people, the way both your MIL and your dh have done on you.
It’s not good enough for them to think they can call the shots and for you to just accept it. You have agency. You have choices.

You can’t frankly. Even if there were ground rules eg separate kitchen times it sounds like she wouldn’t pay attention.

It’s drastic but your only option is to either extend the mortgage for a proper granny annex or move. Or for her to move out but it sounds like she can’t afford to run a house / flat.