How do I enjoy being home now MIL lives here?

[Howdoyousolveaproblemlikemil]

TLDR - MIL has moved in with us and I feel like I can never relax and just have a normal family life with DH and DC. Any tips?

MIL split up with her ex and was left with no choice but to sell her home. The equity left meant she could only afford a flat here or a small house in a neighbouring but less desirable town. MIL wasn't prepared to do that.
We were moving at the time and DH suggested if we pooled resources we could get somewhere bigger with space for her. I didn't love the idea but didn't have much choice.
We found a nice house but it doesn't have a separate granny annex. It has a second lounge and a downstairs ensuite but we have to share the kitchen.
MIL put in 10% of the purchase price, we put in 25% and took a 65% mortgage. MIL doesn't contribute to mortgage or bills as she can't afford to. Her spousal maintenance goes on running her car.
DH took redundancy 5 years ago and is the primary carer for our 2 school age DC. He does some part time work but earns about 10% of what I do.
Therefore I feel the financial responsibility for the mortgage, bills and general keeping a roof over everyone's head.
However, my bigger problem is I don't feel like I can ever relax downstairs in my house. I don't enjoy her company. She's racist and opinionated. She talks at me when I just want to relax or cook dinner in peace after a long day at work. She makes tit for tat judgemental comments about things like the dog's food being left out all day because I'd asked her to get rid of some rotting fruit. She disciplines my kids when it's none of her business and they are just being a bit loud when playing.
There's not really any chance of things changing so I'm looking for ways to feel like it's my home and to relax in it without constantly feeling irritated by her. Any advice?

Put a tv in your bedroom and go watch it with Hubbie at 8 pm? Until you decide re Annex or garden apartment/ mobile home.. or selling.. I couldn’t have someone telling me how to rear my kids.. you get one chance to be their parent for that year of childhood..

I don't think building an annex will solve this, she'll still come in and out of the house for the company. I think the retirement flats are your only option right now. Speak with your DH, then once he's on board (might take a while by the sounds of it), then call a meeting with her and break it to her.

No need to say anything unkind, just simply "I'm sorry Maureen, but this living arrangement sadly isn't working for us. So we're reimbursing your £100K, now look at these lovely (retirement) flats...we'll help with getting you all moved, so don't worry about that."

I really hope you can get DH on your side, as you cannot go on like this, and it would be awful if this situation broke your marriage.

Mushroom foraging looks attractive at this point OP.

If she gets state pension why on earth is she not paying for her share of bills etc.
What does she think that money is for if not to live on.
If you do manage to buy her out I would be calculating her share of the living costs while she has lived with you and deducting from any increase in the property value, to make things scrupulously fair between her children I would also be deducting a 20k gift before I paid her any more than her deposit. CF

But MIL has given away a chunk of her deposit for her next house!

When you all moved in together, did she move away from all her previous friends and activities, or did she not have any?

It might help a little if she got involved in something outside the home (apart from looking after her other grandchildren) to fulfill some of her need for company, so that she isn't so dependent on you for social interaction.

Would she consider a part-time job, volunteering, joining a class or gym or social club of some kind, U3A or even internet dating? 60-something is young - she could have 20 or 30 years to fill!

Even if she would expand her circle a bit, I still agree that this arrangement was never going to work for you, and you should get out of it as soon as possible.

If building a whole granny annexe is outside of the budget, what about just adding one room? If MIL had her own living room (with kitchenette), bedroom and the ensuite bathroom, that should be plenty of space for her.

You could then have one lockable door between MIL's area of the house and the rest of it. You could put 2 different locks on the door, one on each side, and only when both locks are open is anyone free to move between the different areas of the house. This would mean that you can have certain times when you can guarantee your part of the home will be MIL free.

I have family who have a similar set up and it seems to work for them. After a while they got into a rhythm of having fairly regular "social" times, but always had the option to have privacy if they needed it.

Bloody hell ... let's lock her out of her own home!!

I think when this kind of set up happens there needs to be clear rules and boundaries. Don’t forget OP boundaries are a statement and not up for debate - that’s what a boundary is. Your MIL seems to think it’s a free for all and whenever she wants to see ya’ll she can. You need to build doors to divide and have ‘times’ or dates everyone ‘gets together’.

If she gets a state pension and spousal maintenance, she can afford to contribute to her own living expenses. You do need to get buy her out and make her move out, but in the meantime, you need to stop supporting her financially. People on state pensions without any other incomes still manage to pay their rent, bills and buy food. She is obviously used to an affluent lifestyle financed by other people and it is just continuing with you paying for her.

You need to find your anger at this ridiculous situation, facilitated by your DH.

OP has said that she would take out an additional £100k on their mortgage to give MIL her deposit back.

Yes, but the MIL has still given away another £40,000 to her other children, which might make the difference between being able to afford to buy and not.

She gave her other kids about £20k each from the sale of her old house so doesn't have cash resources left.

What ghast was flabbered at this.
What a piss take.
So you are subsidising the sibling inlaws too... because she giving away money she needs knowing you will sub her.
AND shes in her 60s ans this nonsense will be going on for decades . you may have 30 years of this! People do less for murder!!!!

Agree You have been taken for a mug...
unfortunately because of that and your DH being on paper the primary parent you are in a vulnerable position
Be VERY discreet about getting legal advice and shut up about divorce for now.... be prepared to play the long game and keep your own counsel.

You need to get that DH of yours back in employment ASAP.
Id also see if DH is open to discussing claw back of gifted money from sibling (pretence would be to fit kitchen for her / home improvements)

She gave £20k to DH’s sibling. £100k won’t go far, particularly if you aren’t working, ie, have the expectation of future earnings coming in.

Agreed. However, getting back the £20k gifts….that sounds impossible. I guess MIL can always ask, but it sounds doubtful. The money is likely already spent, perhaps on something they wouldn’t have necessarily bought had they been spending their own money—they would likely have made different financial choices if it was set out as a loan from the start.

She gave £20k to each of his two siblings.

She put down 10% and doesn’t contribute anything else… she only gets to use 10% of the house.

You need to discount any kind of home modifications etc to accommodate her - you've tried it and it has proven to not be workable. Even if she was a neighbour on your road, you would have a lot of problems with her encroaching on your life, I think. You would still end up with her round all the time, and supporting her more and more as she ages. Whatever financial setup you come to, you need to make sure she or your DH or someone is planning for her old age. And make sure it's not you! Even if your in laws are not high earners, I'm not sure why they can't give some time and company etc to their mother.

Your home is meant to be your sanctuary/somewhere your safe and can regroup. This isn't sustainable and as others have said you've a DH problem. As "nice" as he is, he has been and appears to remain willing to sacrifice you for his mum whilst paying for the privilege. I'd find this deeply unattractive.

It's really not on and I'd honestly on. As his dismissive attitude to your point that the road would lead to divorce is things don't change. He probably thinks that you're mindful of the earlier red redemption clause I won't want to be penalised. Also that things will blow over/you'll suck it up by the time the earlier redemption clause expires. You've been blunt so I don't really have anything useful to add in terms of how to get through to him. Perhaps have a conversation with him and your mother-in-law there to set boundaries, and if she starts shouting then you'll need to stand your ground against both of them. Easier said than done though.

Absolutely. She is insensitive, intrusive and obtuse. Locks, walls and rules will never stop her encroaching on your space. She has both sabotaged her own chances, by giving away her assets, and yours by engineering dependence on you. You can either force her out (maybe gently over time) or put up with her.

Not sure if already pointed out, but if she needs care, there could well be an extra £40k for you to lose. She could be regarded as deliberately depriving herself of the £40k she gave away. This will reduce her entitlement to 'free' care by that amount. Rest assured the recipients will not step up and pay. You and DH will not only not have been left out of the payments, you will end up funding the £40k paid to others.

... not only *have been left out of the payments ... (not 'not left out')

OP won't have to pay for mils care that's just catastrophising. .
The situation in hand is enough to sort out now.

OP: I think you need to bite the bullet here, and take the retirement home option.

The nicely nicely approach is that it has been great to give her a perch while recovering form the shock of divorce but you are all (your DH needs to agree on pain of divorce) finding it harder than you imagined and you want everyone to be happier, not feeling resentful and you would hate it to reach the stage where you ever felt anything negative about her (Down! Pinnochio, Down!)

People living on state pensions do have bills and living expenses to pay! I speak as one, and I only have a tiny bit in addition to state pension so probably the same as your MIL with her spousal money.

I agree .

There is so much hysteria about deprivation of assets on MN.

If there was no indication that she required or would require care (a minority of people actually go into care) when the gifts were given, and if there is no proof that the gifts were given in an attempt to avoid care costs , there is no risk.

And OP was not a recipient.