Page 5 | How do I enjoy being home now MIL lives here?

Howdoyousolveaproblemlikemil · 2025-10-05T15:15:27+00:00

TLDR - MIL has moved in with us and I feel like I can never relax and just have a normal family life with DH and DC. Any tips? MIL split up with her ex and was left with no choice but to sell her home. The equity left meant she could only afford a flat here or a small house in a neighbouring but less desirable town. MIL wasn't prepared to do that. We were moving at the time and DH suggested if we pooled resources we could get somewhere bigger with space for her. I didn't love the idea but didn't have much choice. We found a nice house but it doesn't have a separate granny annex. It has a second lounge and a downstairs ensuite but we have to share the kitchen. MIL put in 10% of the purchase price, we put in 25% and took a 65% mortgage. MIL doesn't contribute to mortgage or bills as she can't afford to. Her spousal maintenance goes on running her car. DH took redundancy 5 years ago and is the primary carer for our 2 school age DC. He does some part time work but earns about 10% of what I do. Therefore I feel the financial responsibility for the mortgage, bills and general keeping a roof over everyone's head. However, my bigger problem is I don't feel like I can ever relax downstairs in my house. I don't enjoy her company. She's racist and opinionated. She talks at me when I just want to relax or cook dinner in peace after a long day at work. She makes tit for tat judgemental comments about things like the dog's food being left out all day because I'd asked her to get rid of some rotting fruit. She disciplines my kids when it's none of her business and they are just being a bit loud when playing. There's not really any chance of things changing so I'm looking for ways to feel like it's my home and to relax in it without constantly feeling irritated by her. Any advice?

FluffMagnet · 05/10/2025 18:34

Kitchenette for MIL, and a clear demarcation of your living space and her living space. Also a frank chat that it is your children's home, they are allowed to laugh and play on your areas, and unless she is actively looking after them, she leaves discipline to the parents. In these set ups, I think you need to be ultra clear about expectations on each party to avoid upset. It is her home too, so it would be so much easier if she has her own flat and you have your own area, and in those areas you do as you please.

The racism though ... There is no fix for that and I wouldn't want my children hearing those views.

SapphOhNo · 05/10/2025 18:35

Unless you're oversimplifying, you absolutely had a choice in this. She should have bought a small flat.

AC246 · 05/10/2025 18:40

Are you out of your mind being used like this?
Divorce him, sell the house and get away from them both.
Are you vulnerable that you allowed yourself to be talked into suchba shit show?

Fingeronthebutton · 05/10/2025 18:41

I’m feeling your pain 😱 Two days are enough for me and that includes friends and family.
I just couldn’t bear it.

Evergreen21 · 05/10/2025 18:42

You did have a choice, unfortunately you've made the wrong one. There are several things you need to address but first is your dh on board or isn't he? If he doesn't agree then I'd ditch them both. If he is on the same page as you then call a family meeting and establish boundaries. Have a think as to what those boundaries should be.

Inter generational living can and does work if all parties are on the same page and communicate effectively as well as all having a separate space within the home that they can retreat to. Respect and communication are key though.

PrettyPretenderNegligentVendor · 05/10/2025 18:42

Kitchenette for her and a bolt on the connecting door that only opens when you want it to. Like the curfew on a cat flap.

CoralOP · 05/10/2025 18:44

This honestly sounds horrendous to me. I love my MIL but a weekend is enough of someone in my space.
I think you need to take drastic action, if it was me I would announce its not working for me and she needs to find somewhere else or some serious remodelling done.
I feel for you, I would find this very difficult.

DisforDarkChocolate · 05/10/2025 18:45

You had choices but you all prioritised what she wanted.

It's going to be bloody awful to untangle but you need to be very honest with your husband that it's not working for you.

Original poster

Howdoyousolveaproblemlikemil · 05/10/2025 18:46

Wow I wasn't expecting this many replies!
It actually helps to hear I am not unkind but I am a mug.
To answer some of the questions that came up most frequently:

Why did I agree to it in the first place? I actually don't have a good answer for that. As I am a high earner I was even made to feel

guilty by the family for not buying her old home so she could keep
living there. At the time we could have got a
mortgage to do so but I didn't want to tie up our
cash resources in it when we wanted to move.
The bigger house solution was the next option. She was desperate and I thought if we had separate spaces it would be ok. However she has encroached more and more into our space to the point I hugely resent it.

Why didn't she want to live in a flat? Because she's a snob. No other reason.
How come she gets spousal maintenance? She didn't work for a long time before the divorce but her ex-H only earned about £50k per year. However she was awarded a few hundred pounds per month for life in their divorce. I don't have any expertise to know if this is normal.
How old are we all? MIL 60s, DH & me late 30s, DC 7 (year 3) & 5 (year 1)
Why don't I get a divorce? I love my husband (most of the time) and kids (all of the time). I just wish it were just the 4 of us.
Could we sell and downsize? Yes, we could although there's a big early redemption fee on the mortgage for the next 3 years. The house itself it great for the kids schools, lovely garden and space. I'd rather borrow more on the mortgage and give her her money back + 10% of however much it's gone up in value. However, she will struggle to buy anywhere round here. She gave her other kids about £20k each from the sale of her old house so doesn't have cash resources left. She's not on the deeds but there's a letter from when we purchased confirming her 10% deposit will be returned when it sells.
Is it cultural? Nope, I'm just a sucker.

DH and I have had some absolute blazing rows about it too but I think he hopes it will improve as there's no easy solution. He's very mild mannered. She's incredibly entitled. Complains about everything but doesn't see how much I have had to give up so she didn't end up homeless. It's eating away at me.

She does help with some childcare and will do more when DH gets a full time job but obviously at the moment she doesn't need to. He does all the washing, cooking, ironing, school runs so is pulling his weight. I do a lot of the mental load stuff but that's partly because I am better at managing finances and keeping across school/medical correspondence etc. When he did do more of it balls got dropped which I found more stressful.

I can't see a route to getting her to leave that doesn't involve a massive argument. Oh and I do call out her racism especially when it's in front of my DC but she just argues back with me and storms off in a sulk.

OP posts:

Ophy83 · 05/10/2025 18:46

Can you buy her out?

JLou08 · 05/10/2025 18:47

This is bonkers. Who owns the house? I'd be looking to sell up and get out of there or buy out MIL but she sounds like she probably wouldn't leave. I like my family and ILs, I'd have them stay with me if times were difficult. I'd never purchase a house with them though because it is difficult to get out if they turn out like your MIL! What a messy situation to end up in and you're paying for 90% of it too.

Ophy83 · 05/10/2025 18:49

Just saw she's in her 60s - you could have 30+ years of this. Why did she gift the others £20k, essentially at your expense as you are funding all bills?!

Greenwitchart · 05/10/2025 18:49

Tell your husband that this is not working for you and that there are two choices:

you sell the house and your MIL finds her own home
you separate.

There is no way I would live like this long term and I would never have agreed to her moving in in the first place.

Idontknowhatnametochoose · 05/10/2025 18:51

What a nightmare. As she's only in her 60s you’re looking at potentially another 20 years like this.

If things feel unbearable now it just isn't going to be sustainable.

In your situation i would have to say to dh that I made a mistake and his mum needs to have her own place. It will be a costly and massive upheaval once again but surely that's better than 20 years of her living with you or a divorce.

Gloriia · 05/10/2025 18:53

Oh op, what a mess. I can't believe you've both gone along with it and what on earth is she doing giving other dc 20K?? She should've rented if she couldn't afford what she wanted.

Your options are sell and give her back her 10% and buy smaller with dh, or sell give her back 10% and buy smaller for yourself and dc. That seems to be the only 2 options.

Mondayblues2 · 05/10/2025 18:53

In your situation i would have to say to dh that I made a mistake and his mum needs to have her own place. It will be a costly and massive upheaval once again but surely that's better than 20 years of her living with you or a divorce.

This

AC246 · 05/10/2025 18:53

So she gave her money to your husbands siblings?
Oh OP, you are some mug.
They definitely saw you coming.
Get some counselling.
No man nor marriage is worth this IMO.

Mel0626 · 05/10/2025 18:54

Needless to say this was a terrible idea.

I really don’t know how you get out of this tbh. Either be blunt/honest and say this really isn’t working, sell up and your MIL will have to make her own way in life.

or divorce your husband and he can live with her.

what a nightmare situation. You cannot go on like this.

BuckChuckets · 05/10/2025 18:55

Is your DH racist? If not, I don't understand how he can be OK with the fact your kids might end up racist because of being around her and her views all the time.

Venturini · 05/10/2025 18:55

This will absolutely destroy your marriage. It was the worst possible action to take. Unless you sell and downsize and leave her to it I don’t see this marriage surviving. Complete and utter madness.

Thundertoast · 05/10/2025 18:56

She gave her other kids 20k each and then just shrugged her shoulders and said well i've run out of money now so you have to pay her bills and feed her - have i read that right?

What does your DH say about her not even trying to get a job - plenty of people work at her age? Has he said anything about him going to work more to cover her share now both your kids are in school?

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 05/10/2025 18:57

Howdoyousolveaproblemlikemil · 05/10/2025 18:46

Wow I wasn't expecting this many replies!
It actually helps to hear I am not unkind but I am a mug.
To answer some of the questions that came up most frequently:

Why did I agree to it in the first place? I actually don't have a good answer for that. As I am a high earner I was even made to feel

guilty by the family for not buying her old home so she could keep
living there. At the time we could have got a
mortgage to do so but I didn't want to tie up our
cash resources in it when we wanted to move.
The bigger house solution was the next option. She was desperate and I thought if we had separate spaces it would be ok. However she has encroached more and more into our space to the point I hugely resent it.

Why didn't she want to live in a flat? Because she's a snob. No other reason.
How come she gets spousal maintenance? She didn't work for a long time before the divorce but her ex-H only earned about £50k per year. However she was awarded a few hundred pounds per month for life in their divorce. I don't have any expertise to know if this is normal.
How old are we all? MIL 60s, DH & me late 30s, DC 7 (year 3) & 5 (year 1)
Why don't I get a divorce? I love my husband (most of the time) and kids (all of the time). I just wish it were just the 4 of us.
Could we sell and downsize? Yes, we could although there's a big early redemption fee on the mortgage for the next 3 years. The house itself it great for the kids schools, lovely garden and space. I'd rather borrow more on the mortgage and give her her money back + 10% of however much it's gone up in value. However, she will struggle to buy anywhere round here. She gave her other kids about £20k each from the sale of her old house so doesn't have cash resources left. She's not on the deeds but there's a letter from when we purchased confirming her 10% deposit will be returned when it sells.
Is it cultural? Nope, I'm just a sucker.

DH and I have had some absolute blazing rows about it too but I think he hopes it will improve as there's no easy solution. He's very mild mannered. She's incredibly entitled. Complains about everything but doesn't see how much I have had to give up so she didn't end up homeless. It's eating away at me.

She does help with some childcare and will do more when DH gets a full time job but obviously at the moment she doesn't need to. He does all the washing, cooking, ironing, school runs so is pulling his weight. I do a lot of the mental load stuff but that's partly because I am better at managing finances and keeping across school/medical correspondence etc. When he did do more of it balls got dropped which I found more stressful.

I can't see a route to getting her to leave that doesn't involve a massive argument. Oh and I do call out her racism especially when it's in front of my DC but she just argues back with me and storms off in a sulk.

Edited

OK, on that last point, I would say that her storming off in a sulk is a massive win because then she's no longer in your space.

You have to be more firm with your DH.

Sit him down and say this:

"DH, I was emotionally blackmailed into living with your mother and I regret not putting my foot down and just saying no. I cannot live like this in the long term. It will not all settle down in time. The longer I live with her the more I will resent it. I will come to hate her and eventually come to hate you. This is a marriage deal breaker for me. You need to go back to work and help take the financial pressure off me, and we need to sit down with your mother and tell her it's not working and we will find a way of buying her out so she can get herself a flat. I don't care if she doesn't want to live in a flat. I don't want to live with her. And since I'm the one paying for nearly the entire house, what I want trumps what she wants."

thepariscrimefiles · 05/10/2025 18:57

Howdoyousolveaproblemlikemil · 05/10/2025 18:46

Wow I wasn't expecting this many replies!
It actually helps to hear I am not unkind but I am a mug.
To answer some of the questions that came up most frequently:

Why did I agree to it in the first place? I actually don't have a good answer for that. As I am a high earner I was even made to feel

guilty by the family for not buying her old home so she could keep
living there. At the time we could have got a
mortgage to do so but I didn't want to tie up our
cash resources in it when we wanted to move.
The bigger house solution was the next option. She was desperate and I thought if we had separate spaces it would be ok. However she has encroached more and more into our space to the point I hugely resent it.

Why didn't she want to live in a flat? Because she's a snob. No other reason.
How come she gets spousal maintenance? She didn't work for a long time before the divorce but her ex-H only earned about £50k per year. However she was awarded a few hundred pounds per month for life in their divorce. I don't have any expertise to know if this is normal.
How old are we all? MIL 60s, DH & me late 30s, DC 7 (year 3) & 5 (year 1)
Why don't I get a divorce? I love my husband (most of the time) and kids (all of the time). I just wish it were just the 4 of us.
Could we sell and downsize? Yes, we could although there's a big early redemption fee on the mortgage for the next 3 years. The house itself it great for the kids schools, lovely garden and space. I'd rather borrow more on the mortgage and give her her money back + 10% of however much it's gone up in value. However, she will struggle to buy anywhere round here. She gave her other kids about £20k each from the sale of her old house so doesn't have cash resources left. She's not on the deeds but there's a letter from when we purchased confirming her 10% deposit will be returned when it sells.
Is it cultural? Nope, I'm just a sucker.

DH and I have had some absolute blazing rows about it too but I think he hopes it will improve as there's no easy solution. He's very mild mannered. She's incredibly entitled. Complains about everything but doesn't see how much I have had to give up so she didn't end up homeless. It's eating away at me.

She does help with some childcare and will do more when DH gets a full time job but obviously at the moment she doesn't need to. He does all the washing, cooking, ironing, school runs so is pulling his weight. I do a lot of the mental load stuff but that's partly because I am better at managing finances and keeping across school/medical correspondence etc. When he did do more of it balls got dropped which I found more stressful.

I can't see a route to getting her to leave that doesn't involve a massive argument. Oh and I do call out her racism especially when it's in front of my DC but she just argues back with me and storms off in a sulk.

Edited

Why did she give her other kids £20,000 each when she has no money to contribute to your household finances? I would be absolutely livid at that. You are paying for everything while her other adult children are given money from her house sale. That would be the absolute final straw for me.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 05/10/2025 18:58

thepariscrimefiles · 05/10/2025 18:57

Why did she give her other kids £20,000 each when she has no money to contribute to your household finances? I would be absolutely livid at that. You are paying for everything while her other adult children are given money from her house sale. That would be the absolute final straw for me.

Show quote history

Yes, this part is absolutely wild.

Prinysoup · 05/10/2025 19:01

I can’t believe she had enough money to buy her own house / give away 20k to her kids but doesn’t pay rent or bills because she ‘can’t afford it’
it’s honestly insane you’re in this position and you do really need to think about how you got pushed by DHs family so hard