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Original poster

How do I enjoy being home now MIL lives here?

376 replies

Howdoyousolveaproblemlikemil · 05/10/2025 16:15

TLDR - MIL has moved in with us and I feel like I can never relax and just have a normal family life with DH and DC. Any tips?

MIL split up with her ex and was left with no choice but to sell her home. The equity left meant she could only afford a flat here or a small house in a neighbouring but less desirable town. MIL wasn't prepared to do that.
We were moving at the time and DH suggested if we pooled resources we could get somewhere bigger with space for her. I didn't love the idea but didn't have much choice.
We found a nice house but it doesn't have a separate granny annex. It has a second lounge and a downstairs ensuite but we have to share the kitchen.
MIL put in 10% of the purchase price, we put in 25% and took a 65% mortgage. MIL doesn't contribute to mortgage or bills as she can't afford to. Her spousal maintenance goes on running her car.
DH took redundancy 5 years ago and is the primary carer for our 2 school age DC. He does some part time work but earns about 10% of what I do.
Therefore I feel the financial responsibility for the mortgage, bills and general keeping a roof over everyone's head.
However, my bigger problem is I don't feel like I can ever relax downstairs in my house. I don't enjoy her company. She's racist and opinionated. She talks at me when I just want to relax or cook dinner in peace after a long day at work. She makes tit for tat judgemental comments about things like the dog's food being left out all day because I'd asked her to get rid of some rotting fruit. She disciplines my kids when it's none of her business and they are just being a bit loud when playing.
There's not really any chance of things changing so I'm looking for ways to feel like it's my home and to relax in it without constantly feeling irritated by her. Any advice?

OP posts:
ButSheSaid · 05/10/2025 17:33

Your husband and his mother are freeloading off you and your kids, if you divorce you'd only have one adult to support, and increased happiness.

Dannydevitoiloveyourart · 05/10/2025 17:33

Your MIL should do childcare and your DH get a job so that you’re all contributing financially.

But beyond that, this won’t work long term- not sure why you didn't trial her living with you in your previous home before you went as far as to buy a house together? You wouldn’t have bought a house with your husband without renting with him first- why would you make a decision with less due diligence when it comes to your MIL.

Regardless, you only have one option which is to split and sell. But I would insist your husband gets a job first so that you don’t have to pay spousal/ don’t lose your share of the equity in the house.

thepariscrimefiles · 05/10/2025 17:35

You say that she gets spousal maintenance that just pays for her car. As you haven't mentioned a pension, I assume that she is below State Pension age? If so, she need to get a job and contribute to your household expenses.

I think that your DH needs to get a part time job as well now that your children are at school. It isn't fair for you to carry the full financial burden of the mortgage and all living expenses on your own.

Itssomethingelse · 05/10/2025 17:35

CherryBlossom321 · 05/10/2025 16:24

What do you mean you didn’t have much choice? How has this happened if you didn’t like the idea?

This.

why on earth is your dh barely working?

MO0N · 05/10/2025 17:35

So, you OP are the breadwinner, the one with all the power and yet you have subordinated yourself to your husband and his freeloading mother.
WHY??

milveycrohn · 05/10/2025 17:36

Put a separate kitchenette (small cooking facilities) in the 2nd lounge.
This should be her room (meaning she has her own things, TV, etc, and just joins you for a meal once a week). This also means that you and DC should respect her lounge as well

Mondayblues2 · 05/10/2025 17:37

What does your DH think to the situation?

ginasevern · 05/10/2025 17:38

Of course you had a choice OP, especially as the main earner. You've definitely sleepwalked into this nightmare and your DH and MIL have done a proper number on you. I agree with other posters, you should get legal advice. What happens if/when she needs care? How will the finances work out with her share of the house? And if she doesn't go into care, who will look after her? What happens if you and DH split? And loads of other horrible complications! You should've let her buy her own flat and, if necessary, help out financially. She isn't going to improve with age that's for sure. Oh dear.

Blushingm · 05/10/2025 17:41

So she’s living rent free? She needs to contribute for a start?

the longer you leave it the harder it’s going to be to address

Santasbigredbobblehat · 05/10/2025 17:41

Leave and take yo ur children with you.

Sunshineismyfavourite · 05/10/2025 17:42

MIL put in 10% of the purchase price, we put in 25% and took a 65% mortgage. MIL doesn't contribute to mortgage or bills as she can't afford to. Her spousal maintenance goes on running her car.
DH took redundancy 5 years ago and is the primary carer for our 2 school age DC. He does some part time work but earns about 10% of what I do.
Therefore I feel the financial responsibility for the mortgage, bills and general keeping a roof over everyone's head.

Your DH taking care of the DCs and not working is obviously not a problem in itself but when this means that you are the one housing, feeding and keeping his mother warm then it becomes a massive problem. This would be a massive issue for me that would niggle away on a daily basis. She is freeloading on you. She is taking the piss.

Solutions are not obvious really other than selling up and undoing the deal so to speak. You could put a pod in the garden if you have the space but I daresay that MIL wouldn't use it. This seems like it was a very unwise decision.

Prinysoup · 05/10/2025 17:46

I didn't love the idea but didn't have much choice.
im very confused by this bit

I don’t really know how this is going to work if she’s racist and rude to you and overstepping boundaries with your children and you and dh are resigned to that never changing and so just let her. All you can do is go sit in your room?

Onmytod24 · 05/10/2025 17:47

There is no solution while your MIL is living there. You have to sell the house - look up where is possibilities before you tell them and it’s you that tells them not ask them

Prinysoup · 05/10/2025 17:48

I don’t think it’s fair to say dh is freeloading though
if a woman came on here and said she looks after dc and works part time but only makes a tenth of what her dh does, no one would call her a freeloader
so assuming he does actually care for dc and do a larger share of housework those comments seem ridiculous to me

MO0N · 05/10/2025 17:48

Q-why is MIL ruling the roost?
A-because you have promoted her to the position of 'Top Dog'.

Wackadaywideawake · 05/10/2025 17:51

I’d start looking for a new house with an annexe or room to build one! Preferably one with a very long garden…

AbstractReflections · 05/10/2025 17:53

inamo · 05/10/2025 16:24

I'd sell the house, give her back her contribution and move somewhere there's no room for her. You will eventually either have breakdown/mental health crisis or divorce anyway if she stays.

You say you didn't have much choice in this arrangement, can I ask why? If as I suspect you were outnumbered then I would definitely consider leaving or as I said selling and leaving her to do her own thing.

Sounds drastic, but something will happen eventually and you may as well plan now.

Yes, bloody hell, sell up! Please!

Tiswa · 05/10/2025 17:55

The problem is the OP isn’t the primary carer and we have no idea what the tenancy split is

reversingdumptruckwithnotyreson · 05/10/2025 17:55

Why didn’t she want to buy a flat? Was this a case of “I’m too good to live in a measly flat” or are there any additional considerations?

Regardless, as the breadwinner you are the one with the most power. Try to remind yourself of that.

Lindy2 · 05/10/2025 17:56

Gosh - why on earth didn't you speak out before you got this far in.

So your MIL could only have afforded a flat. That's perfectly OK. A flat it should have been.

Now that you're all in 1 house though you need to make it work better. I take it she has a lounge and bathroom downstairs and a bedroom upstairs. Can you reconfigure her lounge to include a kitchenette? I've seen plenty of apartments that have a kitchenette along 1 wall and the lounge/diner as the rest of the room.

Perhaps if you showed a floor plan we can look at workable ways to effectively create more of a self contained granny annex within the house.

DoodleLug · 05/10/2025 17:57

I feel you won't leave dh or sell the house and make her get her own so the only other option is remodelling.

You need to be living metaphorically next door to her not sharing any facilities. I'd have insisted on only buying a house with an annex or garden space to build one.

It sounds like she just needs her own kitchen and stronger boundaries.

Is she lonely? Are the DC with her much? She needs something to do, DH needs to be helping her find a community.

Spookyspaghetti · 05/10/2025 17:57

Have a little kettle/coffee machine in the second lounge?

marshmallowmix · 05/10/2025 17:57

Wow ! You shouldn’t have agreed to this moreso as you are the main earner in all this.

I’d take legal advice on selling up.

Vaxtable · 05/10/2025 17:57

I would do the following

  1. a talk with your dh and he has a chat with his mother to stop doing what she is and accept you and he are responsible for discipline, that she uses the kitchen at set times, (kettle etc in her lounge for her to use for drinks) and an agreement she doesn’t interfere
  2. i would add a small kitchenette to her lounge so she doesn’t need to use the kitchen so in effect it’s becomes a studio flat for her, and I would make sure it has separate access so no need to come through the house.
  3. if neither of those are acceptable I would either buy her out if you can afford and she moves to her own place or you sell and give her her money back and she buys somewhere herself

but life is to short to continue to live as you are now

Timeforanewgame · 05/10/2025 17:58

Yikes OP. I think it was a massive mistake buying a house together. If possible I think you need to sell up and go your separate ways or buy out MIL

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