Is this alcoholism and how do I proceed?

[Tennisnonpro1123]

People were very helpful on my thread. Basically I think my BF is an alcoholic. He routinely has 4-5 drinks (but they’re mixed, so maybe even more alcohol) before driving the car; it usually doesn’t swerve but sometimes (or his turns/reaction time just seems off). Eye drops and breath minds kept on hand in the car. And the 4-5 drinks while out, are just the beginning: when I first come over to go out to dinner, his breath already smells like alcohol, and when we come home he drinks more alone in kitchen before we go to bed. Starts at about 1pm any day off. In morning, before his first drink, he’ll be shaking his leg & says he has hand tremors & doesn’t know why. But he doesn’t usually seem “drunk,” just spacey.

At least one a week he disappears totally, till like noon the next day. I’ve asked him to text me when he’s home safely after going out. Usually doesn’t. If I ask him to start (or point out he never mentions where he’s going), he blows up at me, saying “aren’t you just the f*cking victim.” I thought he was cheating but maybe he’s just drinking more heavily than on the days I’m with him. Thought about saying that we only seem to fight after “we’ve” been drinking & asking if we can hang out without alcohol. But I don’t know what to expect with an alcoholic

Agreed.
To put it in a nutshell, the only tool in the house will be him.

You really deserve so much better than this

Well, what if I don’t. i just got tired of so many nights disappearing till noon the next day, both weekends and weekdays, maybe it really was just alcoholism, bc one night right after we got in bed I told him I loved him & no response, then he started snoring which he doesn’t usually, and later he had no recollection meaning he passed out drunk

i just can’t say anything about the alcoholism bc look how he already started yelling and calling me f*** insecure just bc I told him “I think we have diff communication styles, I just thought it was reasonable to text me once a night that you got home safely instead of disappearing”

Here’s the biggest fight we had. He told me he was swamped w work but could meet me for an hour at the bar. I arrived first & this random girl who just started dating his new bar friend, told me “I met your bf today, he was in my house.” (She lives nearby) When he arrived I was taken aback & said, “I thought you were super busy all day but I guess you were hanging out in this girl’s house?” He immediately gets super angry. “You’ve been talking like a b . I was out on a walk & met her outside, then she invited me in to see renovations. I was only alone w her in the house because I didn’t know her man had stepped out.” I didn’t question him at all about that, but it was just how MEAN he got immediately instead of caring that I might’ve misunderstood & felt upset that he did all that & didn’t tell me while meanwhile he was “too busy” almost to see me at all. He screamed at me outside calling me a f** psycho

It sounds like if you saw him murder someone all you'd care about is if he texted you afterwards that he got home safely

@Tennisnonpro1123 gently, what do you want us to say? We have all told you our experiences and best advice for the situation. Nothing you have said about this man makes any of us think that he has an iota of care or concern for you, let alone that he loves you; and everything you say suggests he is deep into alcoholic behaviour and possibly other things too (coke can make people show a very mean side, for example). Continuing to do the same thing and expecting a different result is the definition of insanity, as they say.

He doesn’t care about you. Alcohol or not, it’s that simple.

Would you rather be single and have the potential to meet someone you can be in a healthy relationship with or remain in a relationship with this guy?

Those are your two options.

Currently you’re choosing a mean spirited, selfish alcoholic who doesn’t care about you over the potential of a happy life.

Isnt that such a waste of your one, precious life on this earth?

You are a glutton for punishment op! This is not healthy for a peaceful life. Block & move on for goodness sake!

This thread is pointless. OP is not ready to walk away. Maybe some day she will be. Hopefully before she ends up dead

This ^

He's fairly far down the road into alcoholism I'm afraid.

It's very sad for him : it's a terrible affliction.

But.... Jump ship and save yourself. He's too unwell with alcoholism to be able to form any kind of meaningful and equal relationship. Because he's unwell, unfortunately you'll be dragged to hell and back in the process and denial will mean he'll become angry and defensive and you'll beat the brunt of that.

I have every sympathy for alcoholism. I wish there was a way to cure them all of it. They don't mean to be manipulative, liars and deceitful. They need the next drink like we need oxygen and unfortunately have to resort to fair means or foul in order to obtain it to keep them from going into withdrawal (which is hell on earth to experience) .

But you need to extricate yourself and protect yourself. Have no hate for him. He can't help it deep down, he's deep in addiction. But you don't need to be taken down too. Especially in early stages of a relationship. Now is the time to save yourself I'm afraid.

My ex husband was an alcoholic. Sorry, but your so-called partner sounds WAY worse. He doesn't respect you, he doesn't even like you. Get rid of him or he'll drain you dry.

How can you be in any doubt. The family and friends I have who drive never drink alcohol at all when they are driving. This guy is drink-driving all the time.

End it.

He will NEVER realise this. NEVER. He is an addict.

I have spent 6 years in this situation with my ex. Drinking and gambling. In the end we have split, I’ve spent thousands trying to hold things together for us and my daughter and he has walked away without a backward glance, back to drinking and gambling again. We hardly hear from him. I knew this would happen, which is why I tried for so long because I didn’t want her not to have a dad. But actually, we are both so much happier and better off without him.

It isn’t because you aren’t good enough. It’s because he is INCAPABLE of loving anyone or putting anyone else’s needs above his own wants, needs and alcohol. It won’t get better. Hold your head high and walk away.

OP... you're sounding quite pathetic now.

Leave. Move on.

You guys I’m just worried I’m judging too harshly in calling him an alcoholic. But I told you how much he drinks before driving & that the car has swerved multiple times. That I’ve never spent a day with him that he hasn’t had at least several drinks. We’ve gone to church in morning and his leg will shake restlessly shaking the whole bench, and he has a hand tremor for no reason. So I guess mornings are withdrawal. Starts drinking by lunch (goes out to lunch weekdays and has drinks, or at home weekends- liquor in a tumbler). End of night always unsatisfying bc he can’t have sex, just complains he’s “so tired” and seems disconnected then falls asleep.

Stop trying to justify it to yourself, You're convincing nobody else. What would you say to a friend in this situation?

Reread your own posts. Think about what you've said.

You are definitely not judging him too harshly. He prioritises alcohol. Not a good choice as a partner for anyone - and especially you. No question at all. What else can any of us say to make you realise this?

I’m genuinely curious … how badly does he have to be for you to consider him an alcoholic… I have to assume you are a very low self esteem person to still be questioning it. Maybe standards of good decent behaviour are lower in the US, who knows. He’s clearly an alcoholic and you are ridiculously dependant on him.

He's an alcoholic - how many times do you need to be told?

He's an alcoholic and his liver may already be damaged.

He's an alcoholic and he will steal if he needs to fund his drinking.

He's an alcoholic and any illness he gets will be worse because his body is damaged.

You can walk away - you should run.

You're nearly there OP. You can see it alright and sre not mis-judging. You just have to have the courage of your convictions not to be pursuaded by his downplaying it. He's put doubt in your mind that he's an alcoholic, because that's what alcoholics do! Deny, deny, deny.

You need to be strong. You KNOW deep down he's an alcoholic. He will always deny this to your face until he's recognised it himself. You just have to convince yourself you're not going to believe it, until he is at least a year sober and BEGGING on his kness for you to give him a chance because he knows that's what the issue always has been. Then and only then would i even consider it. Tbh, I'd just focus on your own life, get in therapy yourself to look at co-dependancy and then start looking for someone else without the fuckups.

Ok thanks all, I think I did it. Reconnected with a long term guy friend (who’s always honestly been more). I’d blocked him during my relationship out of respect. He promptly planned an amazing weekend for us. I put an old pic of us back on my social media, & posted a story from our weekend- cool scenery photo but with him in it.
meanwhile, texted my BF one last time. Said I’d respected him needing space, and I try to stand by those I love, but basically ghosting me for a month isn’t up to my standards for a relationship . He responded like a jerk as always (more of the “aren’t you always the victim?!”), and when I suggested he get help for alcoholism just responded “haha.” At that point I ghosted. He then saw my social media and was probably surprised/angry I already wasn’t pining for him and out having fun, so he blocked me. I feel free. He didn’t really love me- I don’t think he’s capable of that, only loving alcohol.

Bizarre. You honestly need to grow up and stop playing these highschool games. Jumping into another relationship and splashing it all over your social media is not the right move.

Good luck!

Agreed.