Is this alcoholism and how do I proceed?

[Tennisnonpro1123]

People were very helpful on my thread. Basically I think my BF is an alcoholic. He routinely has 4-5 drinks (but they’re mixed, so maybe even more alcohol) before driving the car; it usually doesn’t swerve but sometimes (or his turns/reaction time just seems off). Eye drops and breath minds kept on hand in the car. And the 4-5 drinks while out, are just the beginning: when I first come over to go out to dinner, his breath already smells like alcohol, and when we come home he drinks more alone in kitchen before we go to bed. Starts at about 1pm any day off. In morning, before his first drink, he’ll be shaking his leg & says he has hand tremors & doesn’t know why. But he doesn’t usually seem “drunk,” just spacey.

At least one a week he disappears totally, till like noon the next day. I’ve asked him to text me when he’s home safely after going out. Usually doesn’t. If I ask him to start (or point out he never mentions where he’s going), he blows up at me, saying “aren’t you just the f*cking victim.” I thought he was cheating but maybe he’s just drinking more heavily than on the days I’m with him. Thought about saying that we only seem to fight after “we’ve” been drinking & asking if we can hang out without alcohol. But I don’t know what to expect with an alcoholic

Why ere you with him at all?.

What are you getting out of this?

Did you see similar in your parents when you were growing up?.

This is exactly what you can expect with an alcoholic and he is dragging you down with him. And you know he’s driving the car whilst on a comedown from alcohol. Is he ever sober, I doubt it very much.

You proceed by ending it now and getting therapy as to why you’ve stuck with him
for this amount of time. Are you codependent?. Read about this and see how much this relates to your own behaviour .

And now you’ve started another thread re him. Do you think you know better than all
the posters who advised you to leave him?. You are vulnerable anyway due to both your poor judgment and lack of good boundaries and you have indeed gone from one abuser to another.

An alcohol problem is hiding the odd bottle and having an embarrassing episode every couple of months. This is full-on alcoholism , and the driving is not a red flag, its a red beacon visible from space. It is a police matter.

Why have you started another thread about this man? You did not listen to the advice on your previous thread so you are not going to listen now.

How do you proceed? You call the police each and every time he attempts to drive after drinking

He’s going to wrap that car around a tree and you might well be in it. You’d be mad to entertain this relationship a second longer.

Op is this another thread where you’re going to ignore 10 pages of people telling you to dump him and you’re going to ignore them?

You two are not a good fit for each other

He is an alcoholic

I believe you have codependency issues

You need to have a long look at the model of relationships you’ve had in your life to understand why you’re attracted to a man as diabolical this.

I do not doubt he has his own historical issues causing him to drink however that is not your problem to deal with.

Alcoholic will always put the drink before the other person

If you’re in the UK, there’s a fairly old documentary on alcoholism focusing on three or four different alcoholics. The story is very sobering no pun intended. If you want to have an idea of how your life will go, take a look at that.

End it. He will never admit he has a problem. Walk away. Call the police and log his reg and tell them your a concerned neighbour that hes unsafe on roads. He will end up causing a serious accident one of these days

The more I think about this, the more I think you’re right to be so concerned. He may have 3 or 4 hard liquor drinks before driving, but that doesn’t count the fact that even when I go to his flat before dinner, his breath smells like alcohol already (and then I see him drink more). Also, if I didn’t finish my one single drink, he’ll chug it as we walk out- then drive us home.
So when he “disappears” for a day, is he maybe too drunk to even interact, like he’s on his best behavior around me & otherwise it’s worse?! I’m starting to get worried he’s on a bender. Also worried that he gets short & aggressive & irritable w me just bc of the drinking, and I am not even given a “fair shot” at a relationship w him.

Why do you want a relationship with him?

Sorry but no way i’d just sit by whilst he drives when that drunk. You actually allow him
to drive you when drunk? Why do you need a thread to tell you this person is just going to make your life a misery. I’d be ending and tipping off the police.

I just want to understand why he’s giving me the silent treatment and needing space just bc repeatedly nicely asked for him to let me know when he’s home after going out drinking all night & im not invited, instead of disappearing till like noon the next day. I couldn’t be asking for much less w him truly

End it, and report him to the police before he kills someone.

Why on earth have you not reported him before now?

For a normally functioning, non-addicted person you aren't asking for too much.

An alcoholic isn't reasonable. Their number one goal in life is to keep drinking, at the expense of everything else if need be.
You are getting in the way of that goal.

In his mind alcohol isn't the problem. You are. The more you try to move him away from alcohol, the more of his anger you will face.

Surely this is a joke post. You're ok to go in a car with someone after they've had 3 or 4 drinks? He disappears?

How low does the bar need to be?!

I think you need to examine why you have so little self-esteem that you would put up with this behaviour, even for a week

What are the drink driving laws in your country? You’re clearly not in the UK.

Have you reported him yet?

He isn't giving you the silent treatment and ignoring you - he's off his face. I'm sure he's drinking a lot more than you're seeing. He will be drinking in the morning to stop the withdrawals. He needs to get medical detox but that needs to come from him - there's nothing you can do and you can't have a healthy relationship with an alcoholic who is drinking.

Why on earth are you getting in the car with this man! Dump him and report him to the police!

You KNOW why, OP. We all told you on the other thread why he's doing this. He's a drunk and he wants to be allowed to carry on drinking as much as he wants. You calling him on it, or wanting him to be in touch is coming between him and his drinking.

He doesn't love you. He doesn't want you. He wants alcohol.

These would be fair questions to ask someone who wasn't an alcoholic. More importantly, imagine you were in the car with him when he hit someone and killed them. For a start, you'd have to live with the trauma of seeing it happen, and you'd also have to live with the guilt that you just happily (apparently) let him repeatedly drink drive.

I'll tell you what you can expect... someone dead from his constant drink driving! I'd actually report him to the police, it might be the kick up the arse he needs to stop.

I just want to understand why he’s giving me the silent treatment and needing space
Because he is an alcoholic

just bc repeatedly nicely asked
It doesn't matter how nicely you ask. He doesn't want you to ask once, never mind repeatedly.

for him to let me know when he’s home after going out drinking all night & im not invited, instead of disappearing till like noon the next day.
You're not one of his drinking buddies.

I couldn’t be asking for much less w him truly
You could ask for whatever you like. You won't get it from him.

Why are you getting into a car with him FFS, nobody can be this stupid.

You are the OW and the first rule of being the other woman, is don’t ask him to leave his wife.