Is this alcoholism and how do I proceed?

[Tennisnonpro1123]

People were very helpful on my thread. Basically I think my BF is an alcoholic. He routinely has 4-5 drinks (but they’re mixed, so maybe even more alcohol) before driving the car; it usually doesn’t swerve but sometimes (or his turns/reaction time just seems off). Eye drops and breath minds kept on hand in the car. And the 4-5 drinks while out, are just the beginning: when I first come over to go out to dinner, his breath already smells like alcohol, and when we come home he drinks more alone in kitchen before we go to bed. Starts at about 1pm any day off. In morning, before his first drink, he’ll be shaking his leg & says he has hand tremors & doesn’t know why. But he doesn’t usually seem “drunk,” just spacey.

At least one a week he disappears totally, till like noon the next day. I’ve asked him to text me when he’s home safely after going out. Usually doesn’t. If I ask him to start (or point out he never mentions where he’s going), he blows up at me, saying “aren’t you just the f*cking victim.” I thought he was cheating but maybe he’s just drinking more heavily than on the days I’m with him. Thought about saying that we only seem to fight after “we’ve” been drinking & asking if we can hang out without alcohol. But I don’t know what to expect with an alcoholic

Report him to the police.

Op this relationship won’t give you what you need. He hasn’t given any indication that he wants to stop drinking . He will never prioritise you above the alcohol. Leave while you can . You can’t change him .

OP, you have 6 full pages of people telling you the same thing over and over again.
How many more replies do you need? You keep asking the same questions, but this has been asked and answered. You've been validated, everyone has agreed with you that you're not asking too much and that you're right to be unsatisfied with this relationship.
But we can't keep saying the same things if you're not going to absorb it.

So let's do this once and for all

He's an alcoholic. Alcoholics make bad partners. Alcoholics who are in denial make absolutely shit partners.
You are downplaying how much of an alcoholic he is. But people who drink al day, every day, are addicts. And the fact that he doesn't appear 'drunk' actually makes it worse. It means his tolerance for alcohol is so high that he needs loads of drinks to even feel a buzz. You only build up this tolerance from years and years of excessive drinking.

When you have a shit partner, like you do, the answer is not

• To lower your expectations
• To convince him that your expectations aren't that unreasonable
• To beg him to please be a better partner

The answer to having a shit partner, is leaving that partner, find out why you've ever considered lowering your bar this much, and be pickier next time around.

Now we've all agreed he's a shit partner.
It's up to you to now act on that information and leave

Not just six pages, this isn't even the first thread

Thinking of saying this: I’ve been respectful of you needing space. But it’s been a month. You got angry when I said I’d like to hear from you in one text at the end of the night, to know you got home safely after drinking & then driving, calling me “fcking insecure.” No relationship is going to be perfect and all require difficult conversations sometimes. Instead it’s just silence from you, making me feel you do not care about me at all and don’t want to bother if things are less than super easy.*

I have to hope that this is a made up story … please OP, get some self respect.

Don't bother with the explanation. Just say it's not working out and you won't be calling or seeing him again. He doesn't deserve more. Then FFS call the police re his driving

I thought maybe that message will show self respect?

No, he won't bother reading it and it sounds needy. Just do the minimum and move on

got it, maybe shorten to: “I’ve been respectful of you needing space. But it’s been a month. You have not reached out to me whatsoever because I said we have different communication styles & I’d like to hear from you in one text at the end of the night, to know you got home safely after drinking & then driving.
In a relationship of over a year, I ask for some bare-minimum communication. Shutting me out completely because things aren’t always superficial and effortless?

What is your goal in sending this?
Are you sending this to fix the relationship? Do you expect him to magically become someone else, become reasonable?

Or are you going to take every reply you've had here seriously, and end this relationship?

If you're trying to fix things, then why even bother posting here. You don't listen to any of the advice we've given.
If you're trying to end things, for goodness sake, just do it already.

I’m trying to send a text to make him realize what an unreasonable, immature twat he’s being, letting a quality woman get away bc he couldn’t even do the bare minimum

I wouldn’t bother. He won’t see what he’s doing as wrong. Nothing you’ve tried before has helped. Just block and delete. Move on with your life.

This is not self respect. Self respect is realising he doesn't care, won't change, may not even really notice and getting on with your own life

It's obviously alcoholism, OP, and I wouldn't touch anyone who'd get behind the wheel of a car with 4-5 drinks in them with a bargepole.

Oh my goodness, have some self-respect! His ignoring you shows he doesn’t care. He doesn’t think you’re a quality woman; he thinks you’re a mug, useful only in certain situations. That’s because he’s an awful man surrounding himself with awful stuff. Take your quality woman away from him.

I’ll never understand women trying to argue their way into being appreciated by crap men instead of getting far, far away!

This actually might be true. Once, when we were at a bar (where else) and he was talking to a group of guys & didn’t think I was listening, they were talking about what they look for in women & he said something about “you just need one who will leave you alone & not bother you & let you do your own thing.” Like that’s all you look for? Is that why he says all his relationships have been only surface level?

Yes, of course that’s what he’s looking for. What’s surprising about that? He’s a self-destructive man who pours poisonous alcohol into his body at insane frequencies and then gets behind the wheel. He doesn’t want a good thing. shoving yourself before him just makes you look pathetic. You’re addicted to him and wasting a lot of your life that you should be spending healing yourself.

What do you need to understand about him beyond that he has no respect for you and is a massive alcoholic who might end his life, your life and any number of others' lives by driving drunk?

The worst thing about this - and it is all really bad - is that he is drink driving. He is putting lives at risk, not just his own & yours but other innocent people. He might kill someone one day perhaps a child.

And you just mention this in passing and go on to focus on all the ways he is not meeting your emotional needs. Of course he isn't - he is a drunk loser who has no respect for you let alone himself or anyone else.

My advice? Dump him and report the drink driving to the police to protect others.

He is an addict, and addicts will always, always prioritise their drug of choice over everything and everyone else.

A couple of Marian Keyes books discuss this- Rachel’s Holiday and the character arc of Marnie in This Charming Man. Worth a read.

But more importantly, the single biggest thing I did to change from someone who was exactly like you are right now into someone with a healthy, loving relationship- was to spend five years single. It made me understand that I didn’t need a man, and even now it keeps my relationship where it needs to be because I can speak up about things I feel are pushing at my boundaries (and he can, too). I would really, really give up trying to find a man. For at least a year, minimum, but probably for much longer. As you are (as I was), you’ll only get to be with men who don’t like you, don’t respect you, and don’t love you- because you don’t like, respect, or love yourself. But you can choose to change things. Takes work, but it can be done.

He. Doesn't. Care.

You don't have a "relationship". You've spent time together occasionally over the past year, because he thinks he'll get sex (can he even get it up?). And if you stop turning up one day, he won't do or feel anything about it. He'll just carry on drinking, hanging out with the boys and achieving the sum total of feck all with his life.

This isn’t true at all. He’s introduced me to all his family and once in a great while I am invited out w coworkers. And most of his circles of friends. He’s just always needed so much time to go out without me, and also when we are together it’s predominantly out around others. Rare that he’d sit in the house with me spending quality time, and if he ever did there’s zero romance or affection or “deep” conversation and always him drinking

Exactly.

If someone is an alcoholic there will be 3 in the relationship.

Him, you and alcohol.

And the alcohol will take preference over you every time.

Just walk away.

So how is it not true? Sounds true. He doesn’t care to spend time with you. Honestly nobody here is going to tell you that a carefully crafted text message is going to affect this man so that he suddenly sees the light. It’s not going to happen.

my neighbour is letting a man stay at her house to finish some building work there while she works abroad, and he’s clearly an alcoholic. Sometimes a very pretty woman (my neighbour’s friend, which is how the arrangement came about) and two adorable small children are there too and it’s all happy families; but for months at a time he only comes out to buy booze, go to parties and festivals; and the only visitors are other alcoholics and drug dealers. His family will never get a consistent father, because he prefers to priorities drinking and taking drugs. My neighbour’s friend won’t get her work done either, because he spends about an hour once a month pushing bricks and tools around, and then obviously feels he deserves a break which lasts another month or so. This is fairly typical for alcoholics. Your bloke will be exactly the same.