Is this alcoholism and how do I proceed?

[Tennisnonpro1123]

People were very helpful on my thread. Basically I think my BF is an alcoholic. He routinely has 4-5 drinks (but they’re mixed, so maybe even more alcohol) before driving the car; it usually doesn’t swerve but sometimes (or his turns/reaction time just seems off). Eye drops and breath minds kept on hand in the car. And the 4-5 drinks while out, are just the beginning: when I first come over to go out to dinner, his breath already smells like alcohol, and when we come home he drinks more alone in kitchen before we go to bed. Starts at about 1pm any day off. In morning, before his first drink, he’ll be shaking his leg & says he has hand tremors & doesn’t know why. But he doesn’t usually seem “drunk,” just spacey.

At least one a week he disappears totally, till like noon the next day. I’ve asked him to text me when he’s home safely after going out. Usually doesn’t. If I ask him to start (or point out he never mentions where he’s going), he blows up at me, saying “aren’t you just the f*cking victim.” I thought he was cheating but maybe he’s just drinking more heavily than on the days I’m with him. Thought about saying that we only seem to fight after “we’ve” been drinking & asking if we can hang out without alcohol. But I don’t know what to expect with an alcoholic

Omg what am I reading! My grandmother was knocked down by a drunken driver and her leg was partially amputated in the collision. She nearly died!
Report him to the police and get out.
In Scotland the legal limit is so low now it's not worth having one drink. You say he seems "only slightly impaired not drunk"...well I hate to tell you but he is drunk.

I am struggling to understand how anyone’s self esteem could possibly be this low to find this behaviour acceptable in a relationship.

THIS, and I’m mortified that a guy like this would drop me- how can I be that “bad”? It’s like he’ll find a reason to drop any woman once it’s beyond surface level as he says

I think because none of it's true.

He's an alcoholic. His overriding priority is to maintain his ability to drink whenever, and how much, as he wants. Anything and anyone who threatens that will be discarded.

You asked him to let you know when he got home. That would require him to be compos mentis enough to a) remember that obligation, and b) be capable of sending a coherent message to you. He knows he can't be relied upon to do either of those things because, duh, he's an alcoholic.

So he's left with a choice. On the one hand he can admit to you that he'd likely be too drunk to be capable of fulfilling this basic request and so inevitably leave himself open to questions along the lines of "if you're regularly getting that drunk, don't you think it's time you did something about it?" and so threaten his ability to continue drinking. That is anathema to him. Or, he can make out that you're being unreasonable and so give himself a justification for pushing you away and so ensure he can get blasted as much as he likes.

The important thing to remember here isn't that he's choosing alcohol over you. Frankly, you don't even really figure in this as it's all about him and drinking. No, he's choosing alcohol over himself. He carries on like this and he'll die a drunk's death. Hopefully he won't take anyone else with him when he does.

I seriously hope that the many posts on here reminding her that it is her responsibility to report him make an impact.

My SIL was injured by a drunk driver. His wife knew he was driving after drinking. No excuses.

Ok, he agreed to seeing each other this past weekend “in order for our relationship to be able to continue” & it was fine, but the next day he is reminding me of what he said about needing “space/time.” Even though from the beginning of this he said we were NOT breaking up or seeing other people, don’t you think I’m within my rights to go out w other men this week?

For fucks sake.

Report to the Police about when you know he'll be drunk driving and ask them to pull him over. DP needs a reality check.
He is dangerous. Alcoholism is a desease that needs treatment.
Never get into any car with a driver who has had more than ONE drink. We insist NO alcohol and one of us will drive and not drink at all at functions.
Alcohol always impairs judgement.
How would you feel if DP had an accident and killed a young child?

OP,
Please try to break it off if you can. And seek support.
addiction usually ends in prison or death and this is going to traumatise you.
Alanon run some lovely support for t
Friends and family members of alcoholics.

It's your choice if you want to see other men. But, you should break up with him first. Tell him you're not happy with space, it's over and you want to see other people.

This!!

If that's the message you're getting from all this, you're really missing the points we've all made, repeatedly to you, aren't you.

I think there are a lot of women like you, but dating dysfunctional men will only make you feel worse. You can't fix them and they can't or won't give you what you want from a relationship. It's much better to be single. In the meantime, please get some therapy. You are attaching far too much importance to what these drunken, messed-up men think of you, whereas a person with healthy self-esteem wouldn't care at all. In fact, they'd run a mile.

You're not getting your needs met in this relationship are you?
Tell him that yes you are breaking up with him and then just block him and keep him blocked.

Move on to get some therapy for yourself and don’t see other men until you can sort out your own messed up mind. I say this with kindness.

Youre right, I’m not getting my needs Met. But I may be asking for too much in thinking I’m going to get a text at night (even a simple “home safe”) when he’s out, instead of him disappearing till next day. But I do think it’s a suspiciously high frequency that he either disappears at night or disappears after saying I’m not invited bc it’s just coworkers or the guys. But maybe it’s just bc he’s an alcoholic and wants to drink in peace and maybe I should just chill

He doesn’t have the capacity to have a relationship with you or anyone else. How he treats you is not personal to you.
It’s like you have attached yourself to him for a while. He can tolerate it possibly if he might get sex but really it’s interfering with his primary relationship which is alcohol.
It is nothing to do with your worth, the bottle will always come first because he is an alcoholic. He will hardly notice when you detach yourself.
You seriously need to work on your self esteem.

I'm sorry OP but you sound about 17. Come on.

Fucks sake. What are you doing?! The man is an alcoholic. He was giving you the silent treatment because he's an alcoholic. He drink.drives (and yes, 3 or 4 drinks.IS too much), because he's an alcoholic. You cannot help him. I also think you'd benefit massively from therapy for yourself.

He routinely has 4, 5 "hard liquor" drinks before he gets behind the wheel of a car. And you get in with him. Then he has more drinks. And then you get back in the car with him, and he drives you home, usually managing not to swerve. And then he has more to drink...And you think this is acceptable? Why?

This charmer isn't "emotionally unavailable". He's drunk. Permanently drunk. There hasn't been a moment in your time together when he's been completely sober. Five pages of replies telling you there's nowhere to go with this non-relationship. What else do you need to hear in order to develop enough self-respect to give it up?

He doesn’t usually seem intoxicated though- like, sometimes slurs,‘or passes out (and then snores where he normally doesn’t), and sometimes seems “off” but usually not. Unless that’s bc he’s so baseline drunk all the time that I don’t know him differently?

Actually At this point I’m getting annoyed. So he announced to me he needed some space & time but we weren’t seeing others, spends time with me over the weekend, but then the next day whooooa can’t hang out again bc “remember I told you I need time & space.” I actually ghosted that text, didn’t even reply w ok. Who is he to decide how much interaction we have since I’m being “punished” for doing nothing more than ask for a home safe text given that he drives after heavy drinking?

So then dump him before he dumps you?

OP my 2nd boyfriend was a junkie. The first is now a professor of cardiology. The irony. I keep in touch with the first, the second is dead. I was a pretty, young looking, 17 year old who had smoked a bit of weed, taken acid, speed and E's a couple of times then I met him. Both very much from the right side of the tracks as they say in Australia.

He was charming, so polite, well mannered, he was also a full blown heroin addict. I knew he had a reputation for drugs, but nothing that serious. We fell in love, never lived together, I was at a girlfriends. He was older than me 7 years. He slowly introduced me into his world, started off with diazepam etc. I'm sure he was shooting up then. I knew he had had a habit in the past. I started to like it, he would do really sweet things cook, clean etc for me during exams well brought up guy. Anyway one day he said I want to try it with you, so we did. I let him inject heroin into me. Several times. He was always very clean, medically trained. I loved it, way too much. My friends realised what was going on as Some of the boys were older than me, and had known him years. He was a pro surfer, really good. We used to get wasted and go to the beach I would swim, he would surf. Then one night some people were at my and my girlfriends flat. Someone spilt beer or a drink on the carpet, an accident. He went mad kicked them out. A few days after that some of the boys went round to see him and told him to keep away from me. He had the sense to listen. A few years later I found out from his younger brother he had ODed. By that time he had a different girl and a 1 year old boy. He left them both. His son was taken into care, I occasionally speak to his younger brother on FB, this was 30 years ago. I am telling you this as I had a lucky escape. I didn't catch diseases, become addicted or reproduce with this man and now have a wonderful DH. I did love him, but it was toxic and I think I would be dead too, had we stayed together. Dont ruin your life. He was truly a lovely person, just loved drugs more than me.

THIS! This is the train of thought you need to cultivate and grow super quick. Be annoyed. Be more than annoyed! Turn this annoyance into the motivation you need to leave. Who knows, leaving him may even be the the trigger he needs to look at himself. But that's by the by right now. He has a massive mountain to climb to deal with his alcoholism. He CANNOT give you what you need until he is at the summit. You cannot be his legs to get him there. You can't pull him up. He has to decide he wants to get there and use his own legs. Right now he is a dead weight, flailing about at the bottom without the gear he needs.

In the kindest possible way, you desperately need to take time to look at yourself too. You absolutely don't deserve this type of relationship.