Is this alcoholism and how do I proceed?

[Tennisnonpro1123]

People were very helpful on my thread. Basically I think my BF is an alcoholic. He routinely has 4-5 drinks (but they’re mixed, so maybe even more alcohol) before driving the car; it usually doesn’t swerve but sometimes (or his turns/reaction time just seems off). Eye drops and breath minds kept on hand in the car. And the 4-5 drinks while out, are just the beginning: when I first come over to go out to dinner, his breath already smells like alcohol, and when we come home he drinks more alone in kitchen before we go to bed. Starts at about 1pm any day off. In morning, before his first drink, he’ll be shaking his leg & says he has hand tremors & doesn’t know why. But he doesn’t usually seem “drunk,” just spacey.

At least one a week he disappears totally, till like noon the next day. I’ve asked him to text me when he’s home safely after going out. Usually doesn’t. If I ask him to start (or point out he never mentions where he’s going), he blows up at me, saying “aren’t you just the f*cking victim.” I thought he was cheating but maybe he’s just drinking more heavily than on the days I’m with him. Thought about saying that we only seem to fight after “we’ve” been drinking & asking if we can hang out without alcohol. But I don’t know what to expect with an alcoholic

I think a lot of guys can or do have 3-4 liquor drinks and still drive though … it’s not that many?

If you've got the self-awareness and strength to know this and admit it, you've got the power to fight that tendency/habit.

He’s undoubtedly over the drinkndrive limit.

you can’t save him.

you are worth more than this.

please dump him. He won’t change. And even if he promises you he will, it’s highly likely he will relapse.

Starting another thread won’t magically get you the answers you want OP.
At best he’s a waste of space. At worst, his drinking could result in a death.
And you’re trying to justify why you’re enabling him,

Wake up and get away from this. No other option. If you don’t, you need to accept that this will at best end badly, at worst, tragically. So you either decide to be part of either outcome, or you walk away, right now.

The thing is, I'd bet money that every time you've ever been in his presence he's always been at least a bit drunk. The first time you met him, he was at least a bit drunk. The next time you met him, he was a bit drunk and likely got drunker. When you meet him now he's probably pretty drunk before he even says "Hello" and just gets drunker.

What you think is his "sober" is actually "a bit drunk". So when you watch him having a few drinks and think he's going from sober to a bit drunk, in reality he's going from a bit drunk to quite drunk. But as he's an alcoholic his capacity for getting drunk is so much greater than you can possibly imagine, it's really easy to mistake his "a bit drunk" as "sober".

This means that you've very likely never seen him properly sober. I'm not saying this to make you feel bad. I'm saying this because that was exactly the situation I realised I was in with my alcoholic ex. I, as a normal drinker, spent most of my time sober with the occasional time when I had been drinking and was a bit drunk. My ex, at best, veered from a bit drunk to very drunk. It literally took me years to realise this. Occasionally that went to far drunker than I was capable of being. But because I didn't recognise that my ex was ALWAYS at least a bit drunk I couldn't judge when that tipped over into more than just a bit.

The other thing to realise is that he knows he's got an alcohol problem. There are no magic words you can say to him to make him realise he needs to stop drinking. He already knows he should probably stop. But he's decided that despite knowing that, despite knowing that he treats you like crap because of his drinking and despite him knowing that he's risking his health he's going to continue drinking.

The three C's of Al-Anon (the friends and family offshoot of Alcoholics Anonymous):

You didn't Cause his drinking problem.
You cannot Cure his drinking problem.
You cannot Control his drinking problem.

It is not within your power to make him stop drinking. What is within your power is to decide whether you want to have a relationship with an actively-drinking alcoholic, or to walk away.

Bit he's not just having that, is he? He's drinking before you even meet him for a night out. He could have put away half a bottle of cheap vodka before he even starts on the 3-4 drinks that he allows you to watch him have.

OP put your big girl pants on and get rid of him. Even a 17 year old knows how much you are legally allowed to drink and drive, IMO nothing. He will eventually get caught 100% pathetic to risk other ppl lives and you are going along with it.
You are annoyed that he doesn't take you out with him? Do you have so little in your life you want to tag along everywhere with someone whose only aim is to drink heavily. He has an illness that no one but him can do anything about, but you can have a good life just without him.

3 or 4 drinks before driving is not that many? God help us all on the roads if you have this attitude. I hope he only kills himself in the accident he is bound to cause at some point, not innocent people.

You're missing the point. He could kill someone drink driving. You need to stop standing by and phone the police. Every single time.

Just stop.

It's not ok. It is a lot
Look at the health guidelines for drinking
Look at the alcohol limit

Stop shoving your head in the sand

I reported a family member for drink driving. Told the police when he was doing it. The day and time he was most likely to be driving drunk and where from and to.

They stopped him at the end of his road. And he blew 3x over.

And I have zero guilt. I did the right thing and I can sleep at night.

if he had killed someone id have had that on my conscience.

It really is. They might be able to physically drive as in know what does what but they won't be focused, reacting we'll etc.
You keep saying liquor - what do you mean? 4 whiskeys? I wouldn't be able to- for example- trust myself to go shopping (not driving just making rational decisions). That's absolutely not sober levels of drinking. You know this though.

Op two shots, singles, is the max, after that you’re over the limit. Time frame obvs dependent, so no, lots of blokes don’t drink and drive, please don’t pretend you think it’s normal. This guy isn’t just even doing 3-4, he’s drinking before you get there and struggling to control thr car. It swerves and his reaction time is poor. One day he will either kill both of you or someone else. Good luck in jail

a person has to want the help for them getting sober for a partner or other family member or friends is not going to work and the more you shout and scream and nag the more he will drink in order for someone to want help they usually have to reach rock bottom and take a slow climb up the hill this climb is tough with many stumbles and falls along the way but also victories and wins I would either walk away now or stay and wait for the day to come he asks for help that it afraid

Are you American o.p? Guys, liquor and i know in some states drink driving is more of an -'oops I shouldn't have done that ' moment.
Apologies if you have already answered and I've missed it.

I apologize, yes, American

Ok. Thanks for answering. That does make a difference about some of your answers. It shouldn't but it does- cultural for want of a better term. That's just lots of people have said phone the police etc- UK is an absolute no drink and drive - America in some parts is probably about 30years behind the UK view - as in thats how it used to be viewed - not behind as in 'stupid ' just how it is. Countries are different. HOWEVER, he still has an issue and you know that i think.

That's what my alcoholic friend used to do. He's no longer alive, sadly.

In any case, the US is getting increasingly drink-drive aware/. I know several people who were caught over the limit and it's had a horrendous impact on their lives, mostly financially.

So I said we should make a little time for each other this past weekend IF our relationship was going to continue. He agreed and we spent half a day together and it was pretty normal. But he didn’t want to also hang out the next day, saying he just needs space/time as he’s already said. I’m getting annoyed. How emotionally immature can one be that weeks of space (but specifying we aren’t breaking up or seeing others) are required just bc I say something about him continually going out where I’m “not invited” and disappearing till the next day, not even letting me know he made it home safely despite all his drink driving?

Just walk away. You’re wasting your life chasing him.

Because she’s co dependent and anxiously attached and can’t stomach the thought of him leaving her, much less ignoring her, she’ll do anything to try and make it work.

Why have you still not reported him?

Who has got time for this bollocks op.

No offence but you you need to wake up and smell the coffee here. You’re coming across as rather dim tbh