Partner does not know I know he didn't stay home last night

[Goldleafsand]

My partner went out with friends for food and drinks last night
He msg me at 11pm saying he would be getting a taxi home soon , just having one last beer which is all fine by me of course.
We both msg goodnight and I love you to each other as I had an early start this morning
All was really good between us
I said I'd hoped he had a lovely evening with friends and he said he was looking forward to seeing me on Wednesday.

This morning my work colleague rang me and said her car wouldn't start and would I mind picking her up on the way to work , I agreed , it's absolutely no problem for me & didnt put me out of my way at all

She lives on the same cul de sac as my partner and you have to drive past his to get to hers.
As I glanced at his house I noticed every curtain was open including the bedroom ones. He also hadn't put his bin out , it's bin day
I know his house if that makes sense and it was clear he had not been home.
This was 7. 30 am , he is on annual leave , he was planning a lay in this morning , he was out with mates drinking I know him well he would no way be up that early
Anyway this surprised me a bit as he hadn't said he was staying out , however i understand things can cahnge on a night out drinking and all that and maybe he stayed at a friend's house ? Stayed for a few more drinks , who knows 🤷‍♀️

He is free to do how he pleases
However I have not heard from his at all today.
No goodmorning txts which is unlike him, even if he had been out drinking the night before he would always msg in the morning.

I am not going to say I know he didn't stay at home , I am going to sit back and watch and see if he is honest about this as there would be no reason to lie to me
I am very laid back and we both have a good group of friends and social lives so I am in no way controlling or jealous type
But there's this awful gut feeling niggling away at me and it's like my instincts are telling me something just isn't right here
I am also worrying that he is actually ok
But I don't want to bombard him with msgs either
So I'm giving it some time to see how this pans out throughout the day.
Why do I have this awful gut feeling? Is it anxiety or intuition?

I also think it's a suspicious convenience that you 'just happened' to have to drive past his house this morning 🤔 if he came home late and drunk, he probably just stumbled upstairs and passed out. Leaving curtains open and not putting bins out is not unusual behaviour after a heavy night's drinking! You don't sound laid back or unbothered about his night out at all, you sound a bit stalkery 😳

I can't think of any good reason to do anything except send an "are you OK, passed yours this morning and it doesn't look like you've been home?" message.

Obviously there are lots of reasons not to, but I can't think of a good one, and if you can't ask, I'd say the relationship is doomed anyway.

Does he have form for cheating? I would assume he crashed at a friends.

I’d just wait and see what he says today when he txts you and go from there , I’d be in the same mindset as you, but could just be that he came home drunk and crashed out, you’ll know today and other way.

You don't know he's not home though OP.

Op this happened to me me many years ago,
Partner of two yrs plus going well, so this week he was on nights 10- 6 but had a memorial to attend 8pm , planned to take works uniform in bag attend memorial and go straight to night shift from there,

So on night he always rang me say 11pm for 5 mins, the normal, good night, love you ,
So this night no call, I didn't think much of it, but when I woke the next day I couldn't help but think ' something not right ' I don't know why but yes something wrong,

I did what you did op I drove to his house like you curtains open, remember he finished at 6 would of been in bed by 10 past, but I had a key so yes went in he's not there, uniform still hanging up ??,

I don't know why but I just had that gut feeling, with i hasn't,

Anyway goes to work, 8.30 we only had a teams meeting in another office at 11am which happened to be by p house, so my heads bouncing at this point , I actually felt bad as he could of been in a accident,

Excuse myself from team meeting due to dr appointment 🫢

Drove back to his house, parked car around corner, txt him to say i was at xx office in meeting and would pop by for coffee before heading back to other office, which was normal thing to do, nothing out the ordinary,

Goes in still not home, but he had read the msg, I stood up stairs to see out the window which looked down the oneway street,

Low and behold a taxi racing up the street he jumped out, ran up the stairs strip off and got into bed, yes stood in the next bedroom watching this unfold,

5 min later I came out , well the colour left his face, the lie, he was in work all night he just fell asleep and no one woke him up ( he works in a factory) wouldn't happen, oh and his fone died, but no he's fone hadn't because he received my msg, he kept to his lie op, even though the clothes he took off were, going out clothes, and his uniform was hanging up,
I walked away and didn't look back op,

I don't know wat it was or why I behaved as I did that day, but I new something was wrong,

I loved him, I did think we had a future but no is wasn't to be,

He continued with the lie for weeks afterwards,

I do hope your story is different to mine, but your gut has a way of telling you op

Best wishes op

I was about to say the same thing. Playing games and trying to catch people out is not a sign of a good relationship.

I have learnt something from this thread. Men cheat when they are out of our sight for even a few moments, and when they don't put their bins out.

I can’t help feeling the same, and work colleagues car had broken down and lives in the same cul de sac….what a coincidence 🤔

He’s probably asleep, in the bin.

Could he have just got in the house a bit drunk/completely pissed and then gone straight to bed, leaving all the curtains still open? And then he’s not been up early enough to put the bins out? So although it looked like no one was home, in fact he was just in bed still?

But he isn't really your partner, is he? He is your boyfriend! You don't live with him etc etc. I would just let it go and see what he comes up with. He was either totally pissed and stayed at someone's or there is another female on the scene. Keep a couple of notes over the next few weeks to see if anything is strange or out of character. You don't want him to think you are spying on him or keeping tabs on him. That is just so uncool and clingy. I would be a bit unavailable and do your own thing just to let him see you are an independent woman and not a nervy 'partner'.

Perhaps you should re read what OP actually said about the type of relationship they have and why she was actually passing by his house.
Rather than just being unnecessarily unpleasant to her.

Yes, that's it. Rather too much game playing here. And I also have my doubts that OP was outside his house by accident.

I may be wrong here but it seems quite a coincidence that your friends car had problems that caused you to pick her up and drive past your bf’s house the morning following his night out?

Did you have an update, op? I also thought he might’ve just fallen asleep on the sofa.

There’s basically no way of knowing for sure. You can do two things - tell him this is not working today (as you are struggling to trust him), or keep at it for a bit longer keeping an eye on how he makes you feel/ any red flags.

I’m not sure I’d be thinking about closing my curtains or putting out the bins if I’d come home a bit worse for wear either. He’s probably just sleeping off a fun night.

I don’t know why you wouldn’t text him to say ‘picked up Sandra this morning, looked like you weren’t in, hope you made it home okay’ or something though.

Who knows until he contacts you unfortunately

But he’s not your partner, he’s a boyfriend. You don’t live together, he is free do stay out if he wants. If you don’t trust him and not drive by his house to check up on him, the relationship is crap.

Work on yourself and choosing men who you trust.

Jesus Christ! You haven’t heard from him this morning like you usually do and he clearly didn’t get home safely last night. Why aren’t you concerned about his wellbeing?

Don't play games, just text him for goodness sake !

Yep, I could do this sober nevermind after a few drinks!

Not the point of the thread, but it’s not compulsory to live with your partner. My partner and I do live together now, but didn’t for almost twenty years. We were as committed then, as now and partners in every way. It may well be the same here.
Either way my point stands.

Yes I don't know why some posters get so hung up on the word "partner", it's like they need to get it some special significance to justify a married in all but name relationship.

I have a "man" I don't live with, who I'm fully committed to, who is the first person I turn to in any crisis or celebration, who supports everything I do and who I wouldn't dream of checking up on like this , but I'm far too old for a boyfriend. What am I supposed to call him?

Partner is a stretch