I don’t like feeling like my actions effect her?

[Monzo235]

Hi. So this might sound a bit strange. But I’m late 20s and I had been single for almost 4 years until about 2 and a half months ago.

we became exclusive officially around 3 weeks ago. And at the time that felt right. Just felt like the natural progression and I wasn’t seeing anyone else anyway.

what I did not expect was this big of a leap. People are now asking when they’re gonna meet her. Asking what our future plans are. Asking if she wants kids and if it’s gonna stop me going ahead with my travel abroad plans etc.

I also don’t like feeling like I have to tell someone when I’m not wanting to message much right now. Or feeling like I have to explain myself. Or meet their parents etc.

I don’t want to feel like I owe anyone anything. Or that I am losing a chance at kids with someone. Or losing their chance. I feel that’s on them to tell me right now as I tried really hard with the last one on that to get her to tell me how she feels. I’m tired of it.

I know this sounds bizarre. But it’s stressing me out a lot. I don’t really know what to do. Even the feeling of ‘I have to break up with her because if I’m feeling this way I owe her x or y’ feels quite frustrating. I feel like I’m having to consider her before everything else.

No. I’m not saying that.
i just want the anxiety around the age difference to go away

Well, the only way it will go away is if you stop worrying about it, which you seem incapable of doing, so why prolong your agony (and her apparently blissful ignorance of your mental commotion!)?

I speak as someone who has had relationships with age gaps of 10, 15, 20 years. When you're with someone, the relationship either works or it doesn't. There are no guaranteed outcomes.

Her response to your questions about having babies are perfectly reasonable considering you barely know each other!

Well it works in the present (if I can get rid of the worry). I don’t know if it will in a year. Or when her biological clock stops.

But that's not enough for you, is it?

Why put yourself through all this suffering?

Because I don’t trust myself.

no. It doesn’t feel like enough. I want someone who I can grow old with, make a family. But as everyone’s said it takes time to get to that point.

I just don’t know if I have the time with her to do that.

and I don’t want to hurt her. I really do Genuienly care about her.

OK, so maybe say to her "I can't cope with the unknown, and because I want kids one day and you're not sure, this is killing me so I'm going to let this go. I know this sounds crazy but it's for the best."

Two things, OP.

Bluntly, first, you aren’t in a mental state to conduct any kind of lasting relationship.

And secondly, I think you’re crediting her with far too much investment in you. I have fruit in my fruit bowl that is older than your relationship, and you have only been exclusive for part of that. She may like you, but she’s not going to be heartbroken if you end things now.

It feels stupid to end it in the present. But also, it doesn’t. I just don’t know

But you don’t even know if you want kids!

See you on your next thread, then 😂

Okay you clearly haven’t read anything I’ve said at all

Yes, I have.

And every single time I’ve said I want kids. I just don’t know when

I filtered to read your posts and a few stood out.

im stating to wonder if this is why she’s single at 36. Because men just take advantage of her being so chill about the future and then she’s shocked when they leave suddenly
This isn’t how you talk about someone you care about. You don’t seem to have any respect for her. It sounds like you don’t even like her.

I didn’t think I was gonna get so many questions about if she wants kids, if I want kids, family asking to meet her, friends wanting to intertwine with her
You want kids. That’s why you’re so anxious, and why the relationship will no longer work for you when, as you so charmingly put it, “her biological clock stops”. You’re not going to get to a point where you’re planning to have a child without meeting her friends and family.

She’s not worried about whether she has kids or not - you said on another thread that she’s happy to go with the flow about this. You’ve been together for no more than ten weeks; it’s normal that she doesn’t want to plan a family with you yet, and she’s not going to be heartbroken if you end the relationship now.

She’s the one walking right into the frying pan when I’ve repeatedly held up warning signs
You’re the one posting obsessively about everything you predict will definitely go wrong in the future - “seeing warning signs” - and doing nothing. If you don’t see a way for this to work, instead of blaming her, you need to end it.

The answer to "when?" is: When you've got your anxiety under control.

It is currently so clearly NOT under any kind of control that you should not even be considering having children.

In fact, you should consider the whole question as just another manifestation of your anxiety, i.e. one more pointless thing to worry about, that you have no control over.

Your only priority at the moment should be to seek help for this.

So there’s just no way this will work if I want kids?

There’s no way this will work unless you get a handle on your anxiety, and inability to tolerate the uncertainty that is a part of all relationships.

No one can guarantee you children. Some people change their mind about wanting children, or wanting them with you, or they can’t conceive, or you can’t conceive, or any number of other things. There are no guarantees. As with life in general. And that’s something that you need to accept. Or accept that you’re better off remaining single and childfree.

So you’re saying this situation is the same as any other relationship?

Research fearful avoidant

Chat gpt is good for processing feelings etc

There’s no way anything can work with anybody if you don’t get your anxiety under control.

Nothing to do with you wanting kids at some point in the future - but you won’t ever be in a position to have kids unless you sort your anxiety out either; you wouldn’t be able to handle being a parent in this state.

Your relationship problems are caused by you, not her, and you need to man up and deal with this. End this relationship. Go get some more therapy, ask to try a different approach if CBT hasn’t worked for you, and find out if there’s any medication you could be on that might help while you’re doing that.

There's no point commenting, he's got multiple threads running, isn't listening to any advice and will just post again later.

Got to be a wind up now