I don’t like feeling like my actions effect her?

[Monzo235]

Hi. So this might sound a bit strange. But I’m late 20s and I had been single for almost 4 years until about 2 and a half months ago.

we became exclusive officially around 3 weeks ago. And at the time that felt right. Just felt like the natural progression and I wasn’t seeing anyone else anyway.

what I did not expect was this big of a leap. People are now asking when they’re gonna meet her. Asking what our future plans are. Asking if she wants kids and if it’s gonna stop me going ahead with my travel abroad plans etc.

I also don’t like feeling like I have to tell someone when I’m not wanting to message much right now. Or feeling like I have to explain myself. Or meet their parents etc.

I don’t want to feel like I owe anyone anything. Or that I am losing a chance at kids with someone. Or losing their chance. I feel that’s on them to tell me right now as I tried really hard with the last one on that to get her to tell me how she feels. I’m tired of it.

I know this sounds bizarre. But it’s stressing me out a lot. I don’t really know what to do. Even the feeling of ‘I have to break up with her because if I’m feeling this way I owe her x or y’ feels quite frustrating. I feel like I’m having to consider her before everything else.

I can’t fully invest in someone who is so blasé about the future. It’s highly dangerous for me emotionally.

What happens if in a years time I do what I said I wanted to do. Go live abroad. Then I tell her I don’t want her to come with me or stay with her? Does she not worry about falling in love (which she clearly is from what she says), then me just walking? Like I’ve told her, 3 times, that I may do. I’m thinking about her as well as my self, like you should in a relationship. Why isn’t she doing that for me?

These aren’t maybe problems. They are problems that absolutely will come up. Her biological clock isn’t something you can just whimsically ignore. Neither is me not knowing where I’ll live next year.

what if I fully lean into this, fall in love, then in 5 years I’m resentful and angry because I don’t have kids, it’s too late to date someone younger, and I’m trapped

Get help OP. You have posted this thread and rearranged the words over the last week or so on over 5 occassions

End it then. Honestly I don’t know what you want people to say. What advice do you feel would actually help you?

I don’t know anymore. I’m worried I’m somehow thinking completely wrong about relationships and id just be self sabotaging

GET BETTER THERAPY. In in the meantime, don't inflict your issues on poor unsuspecting women. You're not mentally ready for a relationship, do the work you need to do on yourself first and then you can start thinking about meeting someone.

It is not the situation that is making you anxious. You have anxiety. You will find reason to be anxious in any scenario. And the only solution for this is to keep going to therapy and working on it.

You should take fatherhood off of your mind entirely for the time being. You will not be able to handle the level of concern and uncertainty and planning and illness and injury and possible school troubles, friendship issues, possible bullying, future planning etc...all the things that occur when you have children.

Look at how much you’re blaming her for your own emotional immaturity, chronic anxiety and inability to engage.

She is perfectly clear about her priority being living in the now, and the fact that she would consider children in the right relationship, from what you’ve said. The fact that you can’t do that isn’t her issue.

If her ability to live in the present and not pre-empt future issues is ‘emotionally dangerous’ for you, then end the relationship. You seem very angry with her because she thinks differently to you. You seem intent on self-sabotage. Not only do you choose to be a relationship with someone old enough to need to have children in the relatively short term if she wants them, you then blame her for this, and for the fact that, if you stay together, you may miss out on other things you want to do.

Take responsibility for your own MH and life decisions. If you want to live in another country next year, go and do it. Don’t choose not to do it and blame your girlfriend!

I think it’s a bit of both. Yes I have anxiety. But there is also a very solid reason to be anxious here too

I’m frustrated at myself. Not her. I am a little frustrated she’s getting so close and saying such nice things when I’m a bit afraid of a breakup later. But yeah, that’s me too.

she has said things though. Things like ‘you keep threatening to leave me’, when mentioning that I’ve said I may want to move abroad next year. Comments like that make me take strong pause that she may be trying to stop me.

what is the correct way to approach a relationship? Because I want to live in the now. But also tbh think it’s totally stupid. Why aren’t we thinking ahead?

No, there's not. Please start listening to people. Otherwise, what's the point of continuously posting?

Why don’t you think there is? Do you not think the age and kids issue is a legit one?

Have you read any of the replies from all of the people on this thread?

Of course I have. Some say it is and I should leave. Some say I’m insane and it’s too early to worry

Who has said you have a good reason to be anxious? Plenty have told you that leave because of your issues.

Sure. Leave and lose someone I care about too. So easy. Leaving a relationship isn’t something to be anxious about

Are you taking the piss? 😂 OK now I'm calling troll.

No are you taking the piss?! You are making no sense

No, there isn't.

Please explain why

It has already been explained to you in other replies, and in your other threads. If you don't understand by now, I don't think repeating it will help at this point. 🤷‍♀️

You need to continue with therapy.

If you aren’t willing to say then honestly I just have to disregard this. You can’t basically call me mad then not explain why

Go back to your other thread as I posted the reason on there when I answered you before.

I can’t. They deleted it. Unless I just can’t find it.

but in this scenario specifically. What do you mean?

if you don’t want to answer that’s fair enough. I guess it could just help. But no worries if not.

This is one of yours, isn’t it?

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5417870-wondering-if-i-should-end-it?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share

OP, you're not equipped to have a relationship, only a business contract. Even then, you'd worry about it.

Having children is not something you should even be contemplating with your level of anxiety.

I don't know why you keep posting the same threads. As they say, insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.

What do you want? For us to say she is wrong not to promise her entire future to you? That's not how relationships work. If you think they do, you could be dangerous.