I don’t like feeling like my actions effect her?

[Monzo235]

Hi. So this might sound a bit strange. But I’m late 20s and I had been single for almost 4 years until about 2 and a half months ago.

we became exclusive officially around 3 weeks ago. And at the time that felt right. Just felt like the natural progression and I wasn’t seeing anyone else anyway.

what I did not expect was this big of a leap. People are now asking when they’re gonna meet her. Asking what our future plans are. Asking if she wants kids and if it’s gonna stop me going ahead with my travel abroad plans etc.

I also don’t like feeling like I have to tell someone when I’m not wanting to message much right now. Or feeling like I have to explain myself. Or meet their parents etc.

I don’t want to feel like I owe anyone anything. Or that I am losing a chance at kids with someone. Or losing their chance. I feel that’s on them to tell me right now as I tried really hard with the last one on that to get her to tell me how she feels. I’m tired of it.

I know this sounds bizarre. But it’s stressing me out a lot. I don’t really know what to do. Even the feeling of ‘I have to break up with her because if I’m feeling this way I owe her x or y’ feels quite frustrating. I feel like I’m having to consider her before everything else.

Why are you scared to end things? Are you worried she might be cross with you?

Not sure. I’m afraid of the emotions

Yours or hers?

I think you need to work out what the fear is stemming from, if its the urge to be selfish and just think of yourself (which is actually fine as long as you're honest about that with yourself and others) or if it's fear of losing someone or letting someone else down or losing yourself in the process. If it's really hampering your relationships you could go for counselling to work out how much is actually an issue and how much is just that you don't really want to settle down.

I think if you're going to date a woman in her mid 30s you do need to have a conversation about expectations though. And directly ask what her expectations or goals for her future are and state your own so you can see whether your own align with hers or not and then you decide whether or not to continue. This isn't something I really thought about in my 20s but in my early 30s I wouldn't have entertained dating without a bit of a conversation about that. Now I'm late 30s and I've had ds and single again and I'm in no rush for anything so could date casually but again I'd expect to clarify that with another person so we're working off the same page .

If you are the same poster who posted recently about this (almost exact) scenario you already received some pretty clear feedback so why you're still continuing to tie yourself in knots over this is a choice you are making.

You’re massively overthinking this. You’re at the stage in your life when you should just go with the flow and enjoy it

If you can’t manage that, end it. Set her free so she doesn’t lose her child bearing years to someone who is going to string her along with this nonsense

Both

I’ve had the conversation with her. Sometimes I feel like I’m the 36 year old and she’s 29 in the way she’s approaching it.

But how am I at that stage? I’m 29

Tell everyone else to mind their own sodding business. Just enjoy being with your new gf and have fun. Time will tell whether you are made for one another, but you've only been together a few weeks, so you don't have to 'commit' to anything, and you don't owe her anything, nor she you.

If you really liked her, you'd want her to be part of your life and meeting your friends wouldn't be a massive issue.

As you keep pointing out, you are 29 and have time when it comes to kids. She doesn't have the same luxury.

I suspect your anxiety comes from some form of guilt that she is really just marking time with you. You don't mind her, it's got advantages over being single but that's as far as it goes.

For you that's okay but you are at least considering it from the other side. However having done that you've just taken the easy option and avoided doing anything. And now you seem to feel contempt that you've got the sense to recognise this and she hasn't..

If you just want a fling and to see how it goes then that's fine but not with this particular woman. You already know this and that knowledge has soured your relationship before it's really started.

Your posts have nothing in terms of her good qualities and indicate only that she's pissing you off because you've now got to consider what's best for her.

End it before you both get hurt because it's never going to end well.

Well, that’s part of being a grown up and having grown up relationships. They often come with uncomfortable emotions.

There you go then. What else did you expect them to do? If you don't want to introduce your gf to your friends, maybe don't tell them you're 'exclusive'. Or do you just like drama and attention.

Everyone, this is the same guy as usual — he’s posted about the exact same situation multiple times over the last couple of weeks under different names. He was ‘johnny2024’ at one point. He’s 29, has recently started dating a 36 year old and is having hysterics about her potentially wanting children and commitment even though she’s expressly said she is happy to see how it goes.

I don’t think Mners should be engaging in good faith. Either this poster has significant MH issues, and/ or is using Mn to scratch his particular anxiety itch.

Either way, Mners have given the same advice on his previous threads, to no avail.

ETA And do break up with her, OP. For both your sakes.

I have tried so so hard to explain why I’m worried to her. If I’m totally honest, I don’t have the mental capacity to take on anxiety for her too. So I’m having to sit back and see what she does.

I can’t be responsible for her loss of kids. That’s her fault if I have tried many many times to tell her it could be an issue.

Yeah. And I can’t handle it

Then end it and don’t get into another relationship. It’s the only answer.

JFC how many more threads are you going to start about this woman? This has to be about the 10th this week and you’ll get the same responses every time.

Just end it and set the poor woman free from your constant navel gazing

Are you autistic? You remind me of my DD in that way.

Maybe you’re only just figuring out you can’t take that much on.

Casual relationships are okay these days. Maybe stick to those and keep your dating life more private. My son dates all the time but that’s all I know. I don’t ask for names and details.

I don’t know. What’s a DD?

I’ve always had issues with relationships tbh. All started with my first gf when I was 15. There was something extremely unhealthy about that. Like I felt addicted to her. Then my second gf years later I felt I couldn’t get out of because I was afraid of the emotions. Same feeling here.

im a highly anxious person with GAD. Don’t think I’m autistic

Then you know exactly what to do. End it and have a lot of therapy until you’re in a fit headspace for a relationship. Or it may be that you’re not someone suited to relationships.

What is not doing anyone any favours is getting into a relationship and complaining endlessly on here about how anxious it’s making you.

It’s not compulsory to be in a relationship. People who are afraid of heights don’t go abseiling or wing-walking for fun.

I thought I wanted a relationship. And I do. I just don’t want this level of anxiety that every relationship seems to bring l. Because I can’t get out of

Respectfully, anxiety clearly goes hand in hand with relationships for you. Either get a handle on your anxiety, which will involve a lot of hard work, or accept that you stay single.

Youve posted about this before and got lots of advice

You've posted many threads about this and ignore everyone's advice. You are clearly hugely anxious and in need of more mental health support than MN can provide.

I feel for you OP…to an extent, as you sound like a thoughtful person.

But, this woman is 34! I don’t think she wants to enter into a relationship with someone who doesn’t know if they want to have children with her - that’s not fair at her age.

I think you just have to have a conversation about this with her as soon as possible. You’re perfectly justified to feel uncomfortable with the current situation as you’re not even 30 yet and have completely different values to her.

This wouldn’t be a problem if you were dating someone your age, but you’ve chosen a woman who will probably be thinking about children soon.