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Original poster

Does your husband belittle you for not working?

195 replies

pienum · 27/09/2025 22:00

I was I nurse and worked upuntil i had children.
My husband worked his way up through the years and makes milions a year so there is no need for me to work.
He also does crazy hours which means i run the house, kids, finances and all the other bits. In that respect i do feel like a single mum with an unlimited bank account.

The thing is he belittles me that I dont work. He has lost respect for me and it is really hurtful. He doesnt see my worth or what i do.

i thought it was most mens dream to earn enough so their wife can stay at home and look after the house and kids. Hes not proud at all. This really hurts me as I gave no idea how I would go back to work and do pick ups/drop offs and the kids to clubs and deal with the admin of everything i do without feeling completely and utterly shattered, exhusted for no real benifit. Is this a wrong way to think?
I elivate all the little things for him in life so when he comes home he can eat and chill.

If i worked, i would be stressed and i dont see how this will benefit us at all.
We dont need the money so its not about that.
I cant go back an be a nurse as so much has changed in 10 years, I would gave to retrain a little, nor do i want to go back to that. So i dont know what else to do.

i do feel sad and I feel he just hates me and had fallen out of love with me. He must just see me as a nobody. I look after myself, look good and i am an amazing mother. I am a good wife, take care of my husband, always let him relax when he gets home. I never get him to lift a finger and always deal with 99% of life admin so he can just concentrate on work. He is very ASD so he cant really focus on anything else and thats fine. Hes a good provider.

Can you share what your thoughts are?

OP posts:
FluffMagnet · 27/09/2025 22:04

Make him pull his weight at home so he sees that you are doing something and you are partners in a common purpose of creating a family. Sounds as though he views you as a very expensive live-in housekeeper and Nanny these days, because he has checked out of the realities of having a family. Though if you want to work and he is making millions, buy in help, like the rest of us do on far less than that.

Mumlaplomb · 27/09/2025 22:06

OP it sounds like you are rich in money but not in happiness. Worth mentioning if you divorced you would likely get half the money and maybe a good shot at finding a man who respects you.

Overtheatlantic · 27/09/2025 22:08

I think it’s a good idea to use some of those millions to get help around the house and go back to work. You have a pension to consider and if’s he’s really gone off you then how would you support yourself if he left?

SallySooo · 27/09/2025 22:12

I don’t think it is ‘most men’s dream’, no. I think some men are more traditional and others less so.

SallySooo · 27/09/2025 22:14

i work full time and have to pay for childcare for several children and our income is a lot, LOT less than your household income so let’s not pretend you can only do a job from 10-2

ButWhether · 27/09/2025 22:14

Obviously, he shouldn’t belittling you, but I don’t know where you got the idea that ‘most men’ dream of having a non-working wife. That’s certainly not something I see anywhere. You talk about there’s no ‘need’ for you to work, and how you would ‘be stressed’ for no real reason, but surely if you worked you wouldn’t be in the stressful mess you currently find yourself in, economically dependent on a man who doesn’t respect you or appear to like you very much?

I’d retrain asap, and re-examine the situation when you’ve got your work life back on track, if not in nursing then in something else.

Original poster
pienum · 27/09/2025 22:33

I can work longer hours but that will just cause me to be over tired and over stressed for no financial benifit. I see it as less time with the kids and as a family. Would you work FULL time if you didnt need the money? I suppose this is the question I should ask, as this is what it comes down to.

I dont think I could work in a job but I could see myself own a few small businesses.

OP posts:
farfallarocks · 27/09/2025 22:53

What does he say to you that makes you feel that way? Can you have an honest discussion with him? Do you feel fulfilled and have interesting conversation apart from the children?

Amybelle88 · 27/09/2025 22:59

Divorce him and take half of his millions. He will soon realise how much you do when he’s organising pick ups and drops offs around work on his days with the kids.

Original poster
pienum · 27/09/2025 22:59

He does try to shame me and say ‘you dont work’ in an angry shaming tone when we argue. We dont have fulfilling conversations. I have already had an honest conversation with him, many times. He just doesnt i care how it makes me feel or he wants me to feel bad.
I have said I would work (this is when i really wanted to 5 years back) if he takes on 50% of admin and kids stuff but he said he wont do that. its a bit of a catch 22.

OP posts:
Original poster
pienum · 27/09/2025 23:03

The thing his his role wont allow him to do that. The drop offs and pick ups are insane as we have 2 kids, both at different schools and they go to 4 different clubs per week. So he still wouldn’t do it as he would need to work otherwise, divorse or not, he cant pay the bills.

OP posts:
Goatcoat · 27/09/2025 23:06

How does he belittle you?

Maybe he feels taken advantage of? Maybe he feels unappreciated? Maybe you working would create more balance?

Don’t get me wrong, I understand the drudge and monotony of all that goes into running a home, but having been the breadwinner, I’ve also realized that it creates a big imbalance. Summer holidays were particularly hard - I was getting up for work, whilst DH and the kids had a lie-in then did something fun for the day. Yes the washing was done, the fridge was stocked, dinners were cooked but often I’d fundamentally feel like this lovely life all hinged on me keeping it together at work, missing out because I was at work etc. I also felt DH had no ambition because he didn’t need to - why bother working when I would cover it all.

I imagine your DH has a high stress job if he’s that much of a high earner. There is a pressure that comes with that. Maybe he’s fed up with having the pressure? Maybe he feels you’ve lost pride in yourself because you don’t work.

This clearly isn’t about money. I’d hazard that he feels like you’re riding in his coattails having a lovely life whilst he does the grind. That’s how I felt, even though I knew that it’s not easy being a SAHP. In the end we outsourced the housework and DH went back to work. It’s much much more balanced in terms of balance, and I don’t mean financially.

GoldBalonz · 27/09/2025 23:06

He does try to shame me and say ‘you dont work’ in an angry shaming tone when we argue

In what context?

SallySooo · 27/09/2025 23:08

@pienumwhat do you think many many women do around the country who work and have more kids than you

Original poster
pienum · 27/09/2025 23:14

Goatcoat · 27/09/2025 23:06

How does he belittle you?

Maybe he feels taken advantage of? Maybe he feels unappreciated? Maybe you working would create more balance?

Don’t get me wrong, I understand the drudge and monotony of all that goes into running a home, but having been the breadwinner, I’ve also realized that it creates a big imbalance. Summer holidays were particularly hard - I was getting up for work, whilst DH and the kids had a lie-in then did something fun for the day. Yes the washing was done, the fridge was stocked, dinners were cooked but often I’d fundamentally feel like this lovely life all hinged on me keeping it together at work, missing out because I was at work etc. I also felt DH had no ambition because he didn’t need to - why bother working when I would cover it all.

I imagine your DH has a high stress job if he’s that much of a high earner. There is a pressure that comes with that. Maybe he’s fed up with having the pressure? Maybe he feels you’ve lost pride in yourself because you don’t work.

This clearly isn’t about money. I’d hazard that he feels like you’re riding in his coattails having a lovely life whilst he does the grind. That’s how I felt, even though I knew that it’s not easy being a SAHP. In the end we outsourced the housework and DH went back to work. It’s much much more balanced in terms of balance, and I don’t mean financially.

I think this could be it. I think he resents me for not working while he does.
How is there balance now? Balance in your mind?
How are things like admin, kids admin, school stuff shared now?

I understand how this could make one resentful.

OP posts:
Original poster
pienum · 27/09/2025 23:15

Be belittles me by saying just that in a rude way when we argue, we could be arguing about anything . Its just a way to hurt me

OP posts:
SallySooo · 27/09/2025 23:18

pienum · 27/09/2025 23:14

I think this could be it. I think he resents me for not working while he does.
How is there balance now? Balance in your mind?
How are things like admin, kids admin, school stuff shared now?

I understand how this could make one resentful.

Show quote history

You can still be the one handling the admin if eg you work less hours than he does - people make lists and plan the week ahead and inform the childcare providers of what the kids need at the beginning of each week

SallySooo · 27/09/2025 23:18

I typically give my DH a list of his jobs and my jobs for the week ahead re kids and house

IneedtheeohIneedtheeeveryhourIneedthee · 27/09/2025 23:28

He is not happy to bank roll you OP.
This can only work when both parties are happy, and this is not the case here.
You can go to work, put your kids in childcare (sounds like you can afford it), keep yourself a bit more financially independent and keep up your pension contributions and have a bit of self worth. Your whole identity can't just be being a mum (and you have valuable skills to offer).

Original poster
pienum · 27/09/2025 23:29

Why does he not do this if (i am assuming here) you work longer hours as you are the bread winner? Wouldnt it be his job to organise the stuff and delegate?
I am curious how it works with others and why it works.

OP posts:
ChaliceinWonderland · 27/09/2025 23:34

What an awful way to live. Getting volunteering asap. Get a pt job.
How dare he. Shame him in front of his relatives. Tell them what a prick he is. Put some boundaries up. Stop aaccepting this abuse, he needs to change or... f o !

SallySooo · 27/09/2025 23:34

pienum · 27/09/2025 23:29

Why does he not do this if (i am assuming here) you work longer hours as you are the bread winner? Wouldnt it be his job to organise the stuff and delegate?
I am curious how it works with others and why it works.

Thanks. We work similar hours - I am better at remembering all the things that need doing so I put it all down on paper and then we split it / have a section for our nanny for what we need her to help with. Everyone does what works best for their family. I think if your DH is really earning millions then he’s probably got less time (I am really not saying that this excuses him from any housework or parenting) so maybe you would end up doing more admin/kids stuff but you have the resources to use Nannies which helps? Best of luck. I do understand that it’s a jolt when you’ve been handling everything at home but it does get to me a little bit when grown women throw their hands up and say they could never work when their children finish school at 3pm when many, many people with far less resources than you make it work. Part time work would probably be a good option

Original poster
pienum · 27/09/2025 23:39

IneedtheeohIneedtheeeveryhourIneedthee · 27/09/2025 23:28

He is not happy to bank roll you OP.
This can only work when both parties are happy, and this is not the case here.
You can go to work, put your kids in childcare (sounds like you can afford it), keep yourself a bit more financially independent and keep up your pension contributions and have a bit of self worth. Your whole identity can't just be being a mum (and you have valuable skills to offer).

Edited

The thing is a really enjoy being able to be the one doing everything for my kids now and going to the gym when i want. I did want to work up until 5 years ago but thats changed as its been so long. I still would like to earn money but i dont think a job would be the right thing. A business would suit me better. I still earn money, I trade a few things and make money on rentals. So its not about that. I love being a mum.
One of the mums suggested it was resentment and i do think it is this. I think he resents me having for my life and not having to worry about money.

We could probably afford a housekeeper, a few nannies etc it doesnt mean I want that life. I want to take care of my children as i see it as a privilege and Id never get this time back. From the ages of 0-5 i would have said differently but i still took care of them with little help. Money clearly doesnt solve all problems here.

OP posts:
Original poster
pienum · 27/09/2025 23:56

SallySooo · 27/09/2025 23:34

Thanks. We work similar hours - I am better at remembering all the things that need doing so I put it all down on paper and then we split it / have a section for our nanny for what we need her to help with. Everyone does what works best for their family. I think if your DH is really earning millions then he’s probably got less time (I am really not saying that this excuses him from any housework or parenting) so maybe you would end up doing more admin/kids stuff but you have the resources to use Nannies which helps? Best of luck. I do understand that it’s a jolt when you’ve been handling everything at home but it does get to me a little bit when grown women throw their hands up and say they could never work when their children finish school at 3pm when many, many people with far less resources than you make it work. Part time work would probably be a good option

Show quote history

Thanks for sharing how it works with your family.
I definitely can work. I could get a simple ‘clock in and out’ job in Tescos but Im just not going to do a role like that. What I meant to share was I cant do a nursing job and all the other admin and school stuff without being highly stressed. Thats like you, as a breadwinner, to do your role and everything else (with no nanny and no partner). To me its not worth the stress. People only work to earn money so they can live, its not the otherway round. If they are lucky, its their passion. If its the latter than they usually have a great work like balance.

I can think like this because there isnt a need for me to work, so I can see how this can be fustrating to you being a breadwinner. Do you feel resentful towards your husband because he earns less than you and you also organise life?

OP posts:
BluntPlumHam · 27/09/2025 23:59

This isn’t normal. Check if you are actually financially sound. He may be in debt or his millions may not be there.

Even if you are a. Sahm you should have a good grasp of your finances.

If he was happy initially and isn’t anymore then you need to sit down and find out whether your outgoings are too much.

If he was truly provider mindset he wouldn’t shame you at all.