Does your husband belittle you for not working?

[pienum]

I was I nurse and worked upuntil i had children.
My husband worked his way up through the years and makes milions a year so there is no need for me to work.
He also does crazy hours which means i run the house, kids, finances and all the other bits. In that respect i do feel like a single mum with an unlimited bank account.

The thing is he belittles me that I dont work. He has lost respect for me and it is really hurtful. He doesnt see my worth or what i do.

i thought it was most mens dream to earn enough so their wife can stay at home and look after the house and kids. Hes not proud at all. This really hurts me as I gave no idea how I would go back to work and do pick ups/drop offs and the kids to clubs and deal with the admin of everything i do without feeling completely and utterly shattered, exhusted for no real benifit. Is this a wrong way to think?
I elivate all the little things for him in life so when he comes home he can eat and chill.

If i worked, i would be stressed and i dont see how this will benefit us at all.
We dont need the money so its not about that.
I cant go back an be a nurse as so much has changed in 10 years, I would gave to retrain a little, nor do i want to go back to that. So i dont know what else to do.

i do feel sad and I feel he just hates me and had fallen out of love with me. He must just see me as a nobody. I look after myself, look good and i am an amazing mother. I am a good wife, take care of my husband, always let him relax when he gets home. I never get him to lift a finger and always deal with 99% of life admin so he can just concentrate on work. He is very ASD so he cant really focus on anything else and thats fine. Hes a good provider.

Can you share what your thoughts are?

Having children and bringing them up is a delight, and way easier than any job I've ever had. I actually appreciate the opportunity.

I’m normally a huge advocate for women and their unpaid contributions getting proper recognition but to me the OP needs a bit of a reality check.

OP, do you spend your days lunching, shopping, going to the hairdresser and beautician etc. or does “managing the rentals” involve doing the end of tenancy cleans, tackling maintenance jobs and having difficult conversations? You do seem to have a lot of spare time on your hands and - if it’s the former- I wouldn’t be surprised if your H has started to resent your seemingly carefree lifestyle.

You have lost a lot of sympathy with the “oh, I’m too precious to get a normal job like ordinary people” theme that seems to be coming through your posts. This view that us poor wage slaves can never understand what it’s like to be wealthy is not doing you any favours either.

No envy on my part, incidentally; I’m a single mother (admittedly to adult children) and a high earner, and very happy with my lot.

Unfortunately nothing comes for free, and wrongly or rightly, men in general do tend to see unpaid work as ‘not working.’ This is the reason I refused to give up my career and financial independence.
I think you need to think about whether you want things to continue as they are, or if you want his attitude towards you to change. It seems to me that will only happen if you go out to work.
This applies whether you need the money or not.

Edit to add before OP comes at me for being poor and not understanding rich people problems: I could choose not to work if I wanted to, but it’s my choice to work, because most men weaponise their big and important jobs. Working buys me a lot of freedom.

You've got money. You could work if you wanted. But you are making excuses as to why you shouldn't Be honest with yourself, you want to be a SAHM and his earning power enables you to do that. The downside is he seems to have lost respect for you. Time to realise that on your situation you can't have it all and decide what your priorities are.

I agree with that - give a H all the power and you limit options -

If he truly is earning millions, OP, you can maybe afford to outsource pretty much everything, which will allow you to go back to work and come home to a clean house, full fridge, washed and ironed clothes etc, and for someone else to have done one or both or the school runs.

Yes, you would see your children less, but you would get more quality time, I imagine, than most of us who have to juggle everything and can't outsource.

Your salary would not be eaten up by these costs, by the way. As they benefit the family and allow both parents to work outside the home, they should be covered pro rata.
Say all the help costs 80k. You might earn 40k. Your husband earns "millions". You would be contributing a small fraction of that.

Or you can divorce the fucker and take half of everything.

My DH doesn’t belittle me directly but he does think I am the little woman - when my daughter told him ai worked this morning and he just sat on his bum he said he gets paid for the weekend and eaena 10x what I do

Just for clarity: I absolutely think that looking after children and a household are work. But because they are not paid in the traditional sense, there will be a lot of people who don’t think it is work. Also unless you’re extremely lucky and have found a unicorn of a man, most of them tend to think that their contribution stops at contributing a pay check.
I don’t agree at all but that’s just how it is.

Also OP, I wonder if the way you talk about your skills such as reiki and yoga and what you ‘want’ to do versus what you actually can do, perhaps that comes across as a little pretentious and is grating on DH?

Maybe he is bored of you having nothing new to talk about?

I'm intrigued, are you independently wealthy OP? what would happen if you got divorced, loveless marriages without respect tend to lead to affairs and divorce.

OP even if you struggled financially having a serious conversation would be a normal way of dealing with it, not belittling you. If you are comfortable financially then he just uses it as a tactic to keep you under his influence, win argument or elevate himself. He knows it will shut you down. It's very easy to do because society doesn't value all the invisible work of stay at home mums, work which often extends to wider comunity (volunteering at school etc).
It gives men a pass to devalue their wife's work even tho it allowed them to climb their careers uninterrupted.
I suspect that even if you go back to work he will find another reason to devalue you. It will be that you're not earning as much as him or that you're working less, or even that you're not juggling everything well enough. That's because his behaviour is down to what kind of person HE is, not you.

I was in your position OP. I have since gone back to work- and I outsource everything I can ( Nanny cleaner etc) however… DH now has to step up and could see how much I did as in the evenings we don’t have help / weekends so we both have to muck in… I think he regrets it but I love being back at work!

I don’t blame him u sound like u want ur cake and eat it. U admit you don’t want to work, so don’t work and when he slags u off deal with it. There’s nothing wrong with working you are making excuses for not doing it, what will u do when he divorces you? When u don’t have kids to look after? I honestly can’t be bother with women like u who have it really good but act like a spoilt housewife. Get a reality check before it’s too late.

Now I know this is a wind up 😀

I agree, I have 3 kids under 5 and work 60% part time (as a trial) only since coming back from mat leave and prior to that I was full time. I enjoy my work and I enjoy my kids, I have figured out a fine balance with not too much childcare so I can spend time with the kids ( be there for pick ups/ drops offs, clubs etc) v enjoy my career.
Do you need something outside of kids and home to make things a bit more interesting? Perhaps this is what he means? Maybe he wants something more interesting to talk about that’s not about kids and house. It’s easy to get bogged down in home life but there’s a world out there. I work in healthcare too and there is so much flexible working now you could easily find something. Yes your clinical skills may be out of date but you have a background in nursing which is quite versatile. Maybe you need some coaching to figure this out,, if that’s what you want? Or are you happy with being a housewife? That’s hard work too. I am sure he sees that.

I’d say ok I’ll get a job, let me know what days you can drop off and pick up and we will work something out between us. Also here’s a cleaning rota, and cooking rota.

No, never! I work about 5 hours a quarter for him and his partner now, as he is semi retired. (We are all OAPs) He used to say, he benefited from my clear thinking, when he had a problem at work.

He appreciates all the caring I do for him, DC and DGC. He’s proud of the voluntary work I’ve done.

My first thought was
"of course not. Why would he?"

My second thought is, pay for childcare and go out to work. Dotn do all the extra stuff you do with him, you work full time now. Meet your own needs and the kids needs.

My third thought is divorce thr dick and be an actual single parent and war h his life implode.

So he earns millions but hasn't worked in 8 months.

You don't work.

The kids are in school.

The cleaner charged for 30 hours of cleaning.

Jeez they're onto a good one unless y o u and DH sa utter pigs!!

why bring back to life a zombie thread by a rude troll ?