Does your husband belittle you for not working?

[pienum]

I was I nurse and worked upuntil i had children.
My husband worked his way up through the years and makes milions a year so there is no need for me to work.
He also does crazy hours which means i run the house, kids, finances and all the other bits. In that respect i do feel like a single mum with an unlimited bank account.

The thing is he belittles me that I dont work. He has lost respect for me and it is really hurtful. He doesnt see my worth or what i do.

i thought it was most mens dream to earn enough so their wife can stay at home and look after the house and kids. Hes not proud at all. This really hurts me as I gave no idea how I would go back to work and do pick ups/drop offs and the kids to clubs and deal with the admin of everything i do without feeling completely and utterly shattered, exhusted for no real benifit. Is this a wrong way to think?
I elivate all the little things for him in life so when he comes home he can eat and chill.

If i worked, i would be stressed and i dont see how this will benefit us at all.
We dont need the money so its not about that.
I cant go back an be a nurse as so much has changed in 10 years, I would gave to retrain a little, nor do i want to go back to that. So i dont know what else to do.

i do feel sad and I feel he just hates me and had fallen out of love with me. He must just see me as a nobody. I look after myself, look good and i am an amazing mother. I am a good wife, take care of my husband, always let him relax when he gets home. I never get him to lift a finger and always deal with 99% of life admin so he can just concentrate on work. He is very ASD so he cant really focus on anything else and thats fine. Hes a good provider.

Can you share what your thoughts are?

Why don't you divorce?
Looks like you guys have a lot of money so you probably wouldn't need to work still and could keep having a good lifestyle?

I do think when one of you doesn’t work there can be a loss of respect, especially when you are surrounded by people who are high achieving and driven. Tbh mostly though I don’t think he likes you if I’m being honest. I’m not sure many marriages can survive disdain. He can’t be bitter about you not bringing any money in, what you could bring in with a nursing job would be paltry in comparison to your household income as it is. He basically doesn’t respect what you do with your time or he doesn’t like you as a person anymore and this is his excuse. Tbh if you are managing your properties and investments etc then I think it’s more that he possibly just doesn’t feel the same way about you as he did.

I’m in a similar situation (albeit with a lot less money) but Dh has never been a bastard about the way we arrange our lives. Get divorced, this isn’t going to get better.

Ask him how you are meant to work when he isn’t in a position to or be prepared to take up any domestic stuff himself -

I would go back to work say 2 dsys a week when you get the childcare sorted to use your brain and shut him up .

I suspect this is a wind-up merchant but on the off-chance it’s real, you’re sounding worse with every post. This is a great example of why I vehemently believe the breadwinner/SAHP dynamic is good for no-one. It just breeds resentment. It allows one parent (usually the man) to unilaterally opt out of parenting and household chores, while simultaneously having sole responsibility for keeping the family housed and fed, and once the kids are in school, bankrolling another adult who is capable of working but has come to believe they can’t. Meanwhile the SAHP feels unsupported with parenting and chores and undervalued, and is also trapped in the relationship because they have no financial means to leave if it turns sour. They tell themselves the lie that their “job” is as important as the worker, but if the earner lost their job, no amount of cooking, cleaning and parenting is going to pay the bills, is it? So if the worst happens and the SAHP had to find a job they then face the added confidence knock of applying and being rejected for jobs because their skills are out of date.

So the earner feels increasingly pressured to keep working and increasing their salary as the COL goes up, the kids get older and more self sufficient and the non-working parent gets to have a nice stress-free life doing a bit of housework and going to the gym. But they also feel like the working parent is useless around the home and disrespectful, and the worker is setting a bad example to the kids that high earners (or men) don’t have to do any parenting or housework. Bad. Bad all round. I fundamentally don’t believe there is any such thing as “not needing to work”. Why would you not want to future-proof yourself and have both partners equally take on financial, household and parenting responsibilities?

Would you, OP, dream of earning 6-7 figures so you could have a husband at home who drops the kids to school then spends the day pissing about doing reiki? No? Why would you think this was his dream? Your attitude stinks to be honest, nothing that could earn you money inspires passion? Newsflash, most jobs aren’t dream jobs. Your husband’s probably isn’t. But his attitude also stinks when he refused to do 50/50 with the kids when you did discuss going back to work. It seems to me the solution here is you need a job - any job, to get back into the workplace - and he needs to scale back his work to take on some of the house load.

OP, I think you need to talk to him about his attitude. Stand up for yourself. You could start with saying you've noticed some consternation from him about your contribution to the marriage/your work. That keeps it from being personal. Present him with a spreadsheet of how much it would cost for him to outsource everything you do. Tell him everything you've said here about how it would be if you worked too. Ask him outright if he would prefer it if you went back to work. You need to communicate.

My late grandmother, born in 1913, said her husband kept dropping hints about her getting a job, when their three were small, and she said, "I am not getting a job while the children are still in school, and what we haven't got we'll go without."

My late mother, born in 1940, regularly reminded my father that he was lucky to have her. 😆

I wish I'd done the same. Might have stopped my husband from developing the level of contempt towards me that led to him walking out on me. (He was an emotionally abusive cunt.)

My point is, this issue of husbands developing contempt towards their wives is not new and not uncommon, sadly. Fucking twats.

Good luck xxx

FWIW, I think you're doing an amazing job and so, so important. What could be more crucial than raising good, functional members of society?

But you DO work! You raise the children and do absolutely everything at home!! Oh, you need to present him with that spreadsheet!

Go back to work - but be clear that he needs to take a step back from his role to accommodate that. You can’t do 100% at work full time and 100% at home. So if he wants you to work, no problem, but he needs to work less. Realistically though, he won’t. It sounds like the marriage is over and I would look at divorce. Men like him want it all - the housewife and the earner. It’s so unfair. Feminism tells us we have the freedom to do what we like which is valid and true, but we can’t have everything. Unfortunately, that message has been misconstrued, especially by some men.

1. Yes I absolutely would still work full time (or nearly full time) if I did not financially have to, once my kids were at school. I do it for me, my mental health, my personal and professional satistaction.
2. Please please please tell me he is pouring some of those millions into a pension for you.
3. Yes, it's lovely to take the kids to their clubs but you can still do some/most of this if you work full time
4. Honestly, I think you're overthinking the life/school admin bit. Yes it's a bore (and endless) but the rest of us do it alongside full time work. It's really not that hard!
5. You don't have to do everything in the house. You're going back to work, so he takes on some of the load. You have the money to pay people to take care of the cleaning, ironing, probably even cooking, so it's just the admin. You do the bits you're good at and give him the bits he's good at. Doesn't matter how hard /long hours he works - you're going back to work so he has to pick up some of the house stuff

OP, having read more of your posts, I see that this isn't really about money. It's about him feeling that the balance is unfair, and it's about him feeling the pressure of his work. If he didn't feel that pressure, he wouldn't be feeling resentful towards you.

I also agree with you that it's crazy to outsource childcare when you don't need to work. You'd be missing out on time with the kids for no reason.

So, here's an idea: What about volunteering during school hours? It could be sitting with the elderly, volunteering at a hospital, volunteering at school...there are so many places that need volunteers.

It sounds like perhaps your husband just wants you to do something outside the house.

Some men's dream is to have a stay at home wife, yes, but plenty of others don't want that.

I think you have to consider yourself and working would give you independence and more confidence. Knowing what I have learned through relationship breakdowns I would never put myself in a vulnerable position by relying on my husband. Keeping the house and children should be a shared responsibility. I think he's stopped seeing you as an equal and you need to get back out there.

Yeah he called me a fat lazy cunt while I was on my 6 month maternity leave. Before going back to being the breadwinner. I divorced him.

If he truly loved u and he was happy and earning loads he wouldn’t be belittling you !!
im wondering if he’s unhappy and fed up with bankrolling it all ?
Maybe he would like to work less ? And for you to go back to work ? So it’s more equal ?
It’s something that you both need to communicate to each other calmly and no shouting about who does what !
It’s not point scoring it’s sitting down and asking how u both feel about things x

@Sodthesystem "A surprising amount of people are like that. They get joy out of caging and crushing beautiful little songbirds."\

Yup. This exact thing happened to me.

They already have a cleaner 30 hours a week. Adding a nanny for childcare would be easy given the household income. He doesn’t need to start doing any domestic work.

I would definitely think that anyone I knew who had a cleaner in their house for 6 hours a day was very wealthy.

What do you plan to do with your life when your children go to uni and leave home? Your husband met and married someone who had a job, something to talk about beyond just the kids and the house. Now he’s married to someone who has no ambition. You talk a lot about not feeling “passionate” about any career. I don’t know many people who are passionate about their career. They work for money, status, professional identity. You have the first two by virtue of your husband. How would you feel if he left you for someone else - perhaps a bright young thing he met at work?

If this is true, and sounds like it might be, then SHAME on OP's DH. This is his wife. She's his family, the woman who had his kids and the woman he vowed to love until death. It's both and cruel and stupid to take against her. How would he feel if something happened to her?

I think he needs to rediscover his humanity. 😡

It sounds like your husband doesn't like you any more and your marriage is pretty much over.

I'd be going back to work as although he is wealthy and will probably pay good child maintenance for your kids, it's probably unlikely he will be expected to support you forever more.

Do a refresher course-go back to nursing and build yourself a pension.

Would you enjoy funding another adult’s lifestyle indefinitely, despite the children being in school and the household being cleaned by someone who is there 30 hours a week? It is hardly a question of humanity. I think it’s more about being interested in the person you’re with. It’s hard to be interested in someone who has no independent purpose in life.

I agree with this.

Resentment of the pressure of being the sole breadwinner is a common theme in relationships where there is a SAHP, and the general concensus is that it's important to share the responsibility for financing the household.

But he is an exceptionally high earner, to the extent that your earnings would be virtually irrelevant. And if it also necessitates bringing in outside help to fully mitigate the impact on the smooth running of your household, then overall it could easily end up costing more for you to work than not.

So as PP says, it doesn't sound like this is about money. It sounds like it is about respect.

If he doesn't like their current set-up, he needs to sit her down and communicate, not be nasty to her. They're supposed to be on the same side.

I happen to think that marriage is a team effort, and OP looks after absolutely everything except earning money, but she has rentals she makes money from. In her DH's shoes, I think I would find a lot of peace of mind in the fact that the children are being looked after by their mum instead of someone else, outside school hours. When you're married with kids, I don't think a me-and-you attitude is helpful or appropriate, it should be us-against-the-world. But I have not been in shoes like her DH's, and I find it hard to imagine as I've never been a big earner. Maybe I would resent it over time, I don't know. I am sure I would value having her on-hand to do our whole lives except earning, but I might have moments of resentment, sure. I'm not sure what I would do about that. Perhaps share my feelings as a start.

But being mean to the person you share your life with is not the answer.

I would do something with your time that would benefit you. Volunteer, learn a new skill or education course. Set up a business doing your reiki etc. I also wouldn't go through the stress of a low paid job if there was millions sitting in the family bank account.

In the meantime have a proper conversation with your husband with how he sees the marriage going and what you want to achieve together. Show him that hiring a nanny and housekeeper would eat up your earnings.

It does seem like resentment has set in for him but no one here knows his feelings. I know he's on a break right now but what's his plan for the future. Can he scale back his working hours and you guys can spend time reconnecting as a family?

I would also be wary about the marriage breaking down and you being financially insecure. But no one can predict the future.

@pienum Your husband is no longer happy with this set up. You would do well to take heed of his growing resentment and make some changes, if you want to save your marriage.

Your social circle where this seems normal to you will not help you one jot when your marriage falls apart.

Your husband is not happy. Look at that.

Well I couldnt get past feeling like a single mum bit. Really?! Try actually being a single mum, without household help, more children, a full time job, a career and oh yes life admin which to be real, everyone has. Not to mention not having millions flowing in.

I think you've lost your hold of reality somewhat; for most mothers who are able to do far more than school runs and paying the odd bill or filling in a form, and maybe he's sensing that, perhaps he's feeling taken advantage of.

If this is real, you are very naive.
Get copies of all balances, investments, accounts and email them to yourself, get print outs of everything if possible, put them somewhere safe.

Then, find yourself a good divorce solicitor with a proven record and make an appointment.

Your marriage is over. You sound like my friends lovely sister, married to a surgeon who mistook himself for God.

Put her down once too often and she went to see a solicitor. She got excellent advice and decided that she had enough.

They have 3 boys. She served him and he was stunned.
She got more than half of everything and her life is so much better.

He desperately did not want the divorce, tried to back track, but had told her she was lazy once too often.
She actual was a fantastic Oncology nurse who was hugely well regarded but gave up her career to support him 18 years ago, when he got a huge opportunity in the US 20 years ago.

Unfortunately for him she has spoken honestly about why she divorced him to a few people...." he called me lazy once too often". Most embarrassing for him. He is quite full of himself and I took enormous pleasure the first time we met after they split in just looking at him intently whilst my husband and he spoke.
Making it really clear that the word was out!

He absolutely regrets that she wouldn't change her mind. They are amicable now. Her sons adore their mum, she has been their stability over the years when he worked huge hours.

Our sons are friends so I have seen this up close.
During the summer we ran into them socially, post divorce, (son connected) and he was all about her.
She looks fabulous, like most divorced women I know!