Does your husband belittle you for not working?

[pienum]

I was I nurse and worked upuntil i had children.
My husband worked his way up through the years and makes milions a year so there is no need for me to work.
He also does crazy hours which means i run the house, kids, finances and all the other bits. In that respect i do feel like a single mum with an unlimited bank account.

The thing is he belittles me that I dont work. He has lost respect for me and it is really hurtful. He doesnt see my worth or what i do.

i thought it was most mens dream to earn enough so their wife can stay at home and look after the house and kids. Hes not proud at all. This really hurts me as I gave no idea how I would go back to work and do pick ups/drop offs and the kids to clubs and deal with the admin of everything i do without feeling completely and utterly shattered, exhusted for no real benifit. Is this a wrong way to think?
I elivate all the little things for him in life so when he comes home he can eat and chill.

If i worked, i would be stressed and i dont see how this will benefit us at all.
We dont need the money so its not about that.
I cant go back an be a nurse as so much has changed in 10 years, I would gave to retrain a little, nor do i want to go back to that. So i dont know what else to do.

i do feel sad and I feel he just hates me and had fallen out of love with me. He must just see me as a nobody. I look after myself, look good and i am an amazing mother. I am a good wife, take care of my husband, always let him relax when he gets home. I never get him to lift a finger and always deal with 99% of life admin so he can just concentrate on work. He is very ASD so he cant really focus on anything else and thats fine. Hes a good provider.

Can you share what your thoughts are?

Ignore posters like this. Some men genuinely have a provided mindset and just because women marry those sort does not mean they view them as a paycheque. You want a financially sound, reliable and supportive partner especially when you’re planning to own a home/ have children.

There are far too many threads on here of women complaining when they’ve landed cocklodgers or the 50/50 guy.

OP your husband may be burnt out and taking it out on you. He’s working his ass off providing you and the kids with a nice life style. You’re probably running around looking after the kids, running the house and exhausted too. Take some time out and find out why the jibes. Explain to him how they make you feel and ask him what’s causing him to be upset.

Being a single parent means there’s no partner in the background earning cash to pay the mortgage, you’re on your own with everything, hence the word “single” . It doesn’t mean simply looking after your own kids, I’ve heard quite a few people who are married use this term when what they mean is that their partner is busy at work or has gone on holiday for a few days. It really isn’t the same

In this instance it does mean the same thing. My life would not change one bit. I would probably have more free time on weekends when he would see the kids.

Maybe your marriage has run its course then. You say he belittles you and doesn't respect you. What do you get out of staying with him? What relationship are you modelling to your children?

but I could see myself own a few small businesses.

What kind of small businesses and would these just cost more money than they would make if you have no experience in those areas?

Would you not have to get a job if ye separated?

youre spoilt and entitled

get a job like everyone else

Guessing there is enough money that if she gets half she can live off the investment income.
I tend to think if the respect has gone in a relationship it's time to end it.

I think this is really wise advice.

He is currently not working and hasnt done for 8months, which is amazing as he has never taken time out. We had an argument today as I had been out managing a few of our properties (they are far away) and Id been on my feet all day. He then was upset that I lay down when i got in and not cleaned up when i got home. I have taken a back seat in cooking and cleaning for around 2 months as hes been at home for so long and I thought he could start doing it too. When I mean cleaning up, i mean clearing up after ones self. We have a cleaner for 30hrs a week. He refused to clear up after himself.
I usually am happy to do everything for him.

I think your questioning me to secure my future is sound advice. Shocking to my heart, but sound.
If we ever were to spilt, I dont think I would have it in me to spend the money on me, as Id want to keep it all for the kids.

Can I ask, how much would you feel is a good amount to live off and to make money off?

Why do you answer questions that were posed to the Op when you couldn’t possibly know the answer and only offered up an assumption which I could have done myself

My ex was the same and he once declared that we women only 'have children so we don't have to work'. He really expected me to work fulltime and care for the house and kids fulltime whilst he acted like he had no responsibilities. The odd thing was he was a mummy's boy and she never worked and he worshipped her. Needless to say we are divorced now!

‘I thought it was most men’s dream to earn enough so their wife can stay at home’

I really don’t think that this is true. A small minority of men think like this, but mostly older generations. In my experience, most men want a partner who will be their equal - so if they are successful and high flying, they want a partner who is the same, or at least one who has some sort of ambition.

He doesn’t need you to do all of the menial work, it sounds like he could easily afford a housekeeper etc. What will you do when the kids are older and no longer require so much time, or when they have left home? Do you have any ambition for the future?

I’m not trying to downplay your role as homemaker or say that it’s not valid, but I think a lot of women lose themselves when they don’t have anything outside of this. I also don’t think that it’s about money. He’s not respecting you because you are playing a service role to him, rather than having any independence of your own.

So suddenly we went from your DH working long hours (written in present tense) and you doing everything around the house and not getting a housekeeper or nanny because you wanted to take care of your family yourself to him having been not working for 8 months and the two of you having a nearly full time housekeeper.

Jumped the shark a bit there.

Why is this completely different information than you put in your OP.

You said he works crazy hours and you do everything around the house. But now he hasn’t worked in 8 months and you have a cleaner that works 30 hours per week despite the kids being at school?

You sound like you have a lovely life funded by someone else but I could see how he could lose respect for you. You are a different person than he married.

You don’t sound like you love or even like each other though so you could divorce, get half the assets and some financial advice re how to live sustainably moving forwards.

This

There's no safety net as a lone parent.

"If i worked, i would be stressed and i dont see how this will benefit us at all."

It might be that he resents you deciding you want to live "stress free " when this is at his expense.

You have a full time cleaner so lots of free time and do all " life admin" but people who work full time do that too. If you were a man people would say " what are you bringing to the marriage" because it sounds like you want to just enjoy the fruits of his labour/ success. What ambitions do you gave for yourself / family?

You seem surprised that your husband doesn't have the dream of just providing for you? Is this not something you discussed before marriage/ kids/ becoming sham?

Yes, my partner makes constant passive aggressive remarks about me not working and says I have the best life. I don’t. My life is awful. I hate it.

I worked right up to the day before I gave birth. I had worked so hard with my career. The plan was for me to go back to work and have a shortened maternity leave and for my partner to look after our baby but his mental health was very bad and I was afraid our baby wouldn’t be safe. This was a very legitimate concern. He would constantly talk about ending his life. There were tears every single day. He didn’t want to look after our baby because he said it was boring and he also expressed to me that he was jealous of our baby.

It took me years and the Police being called to the house to realise that his behaviour was abusive and attention seeking. He was jealous of the baby so he would threaten to end his life. It was utterly exhausting and it broke me.

I lost my job during Covid and when our baby was very young he was diagnosed as having severe autism. So I have spent my time trying to get him to talk and taking him to therapy. If I had to work he wouldn’t be able to go to therapy.

Not once has my partner ever woken in the night to take care of our baby/child. Even when I was really sick and vomiting he still would not help me.

I actually miss working. I miss having my own money. I am stuck in the house every freaking day. I never chose this life. I’ve put on so much weight because I’m miserable.

OP, I had the same attitude from my ex. As soon as I went on maternity leave, I was no longer department head, representing my county at a sports, generally respected. In his eyes I suddenly earned nothing and did nothing interesting. Then when I sold my house so we could all live together, suddenly I'd gone from being happening, intelligent, high earning lady with lovely house to being someone of no value who depended on him financially and was worthy of no respect (in his eyes). He couldn't boast about me any more, and the contempt & resentment started.

It was completely illogical, we had planned every step together but his attitude changed massively. Nothing I said made any difference.

I finished my maternity leave, returned to work, bought another house and ds and I left.

Funny thing was then I was the high earning, lovely house owning, women again, and he wanted me back. Not a chance.

There's something in their heads about social standing and financial worth, basically a totally lack of respect for parenthood, despite the fact you are raising HIS children and working your arse off.

This. Also your husband must have a very strong work ethic to be successful enough to make millions, whilst you don't. You list reasons why you don't need to work, won't work can't work. Work isn't always just about money. It can give purpose, stretch you, reward you, make you grow. Your husband is working crazy patterns and you have it easy so he possibly feels resentment. A very destructive emotion.

"despite the fact you are raising HIS children and working your arse off"

OP is most definitely not working her arse off and the kids are at school.

She has a full time cleaner and enjoys going to the gym whenever she feels like it. thinks working is not worthwhile and too "stressful."

He doesn't seem to realize he wouldn't be as successful as he is without you accommodating his life and making it easy for him

Honestly you sound smug and working is not just for money but also to give your children an example of strength and endurance and for your personal satisfaction. It won’t surprise you to know there are lots of gyms near work and you can go before or after. I know lots of families who make millions and the wives work and are power couples and they are both happy and satisfied. Your husband sees you as lesser than him and I would see you as lesser too. You can be a private nurse at Nuffield etc and there you can do part time hours.

How rude. My husband's dream was to have children and for them to have a SAHM. I haven't worked since we got married and my husband has never not respected me.

Yes I would. But then I also have a husband that respects me, a career AND a purpose beyond being a housekeeper and Mum.

You don’t sound happy with the arrangement OP, make changes to make YOURSELF happy. Going back to work after kids is worth so much more than money!

I have a friend who is a trained nurse, and they started their own business doing Botox and fillers, and love it! You can build a cabin in your garden to work from if you don’t have the room in home.