Does your husband belittle you for not working?

[pienum]

I was I nurse and worked upuntil i had children.
My husband worked his way up through the years and makes milions a year so there is no need for me to work.
He also does crazy hours which means i run the house, kids, finances and all the other bits. In that respect i do feel like a single mum with an unlimited bank account.

The thing is he belittles me that I dont work. He has lost respect for me and it is really hurtful. He doesnt see my worth or what i do.

i thought it was most mens dream to earn enough so their wife can stay at home and look after the house and kids. Hes not proud at all. This really hurts me as I gave no idea how I would go back to work and do pick ups/drop offs and the kids to clubs and deal with the admin of everything i do without feeling completely and utterly shattered, exhusted for no real benifit. Is this a wrong way to think?
I elivate all the little things for him in life so when he comes home he can eat and chill.

If i worked, i would be stressed and i dont see how this will benefit us at all.
We dont need the money so its not about that.
I cant go back an be a nurse as so much has changed in 10 years, I would gave to retrain a little, nor do i want to go back to that. So i dont know what else to do.

i do feel sad and I feel he just hates me and had fallen out of love with me. He must just see me as a nobody. I look after myself, look good and i am an amazing mother. I am a good wife, take care of my husband, always let him relax when he gets home. I never get him to lift a finger and always deal with 99% of life admin so he can just concentrate on work. He is very ASD so he cant really focus on anything else and thats fine. Hes a good provider.

Can you share what your thoughts are?

He is wrong to belittle you but you also sound spoilt.

Hi @pienumI don’t really know what to say to you. You have a very nice life funded by somebody who is resentful. Many women would love to stay home with their children but they can’t. You seem to think you are entitled to it. Can’t you sit down with your DH and ask him what exactly he wants and then you say what you want and you try to meet halfway? I know it’s not about the money but it sounds like your DH wants you to help him a bit or to be more of a team. It doesn’t need to be the difference from FT SAHM to FT working mum. It can be part time (not Tesco - something you’re interested in).

This one's an easy solve: divorce the nasty git and take him for half the money.

Don't waste your life with a contemptuous monster. He'll realise how much you contributed when he gets fifty fifty childcare, has to do the admin and wash his own dirty pants. But by then, you'll be on a beach in Ibiza with a Pina colada not giving a fuck.

Life is too short to stay with trash men. And children deserve better than to see their mother treated like crap and grow up thinking they should tolerate/behave that way too.

Get a bulldog lawyer and get your due.

I have a good check on finances as I deal with everything- invest, bank and track. He works and I take over everything else.
Yes this is true, if he did have a provider mindset he wouldnt do this so its possible he doesnt enjoy it and doesnt have this mind set.

He's unhappy with you not working. It sounds like he resents you staying home on his dime when your kids are in school and not contributing financially. Time to go back to work at least part time and hire a nanny and cleaner.

You say you want your own business, do you have a business plan and capital to fund a year and see profits? If not, that's a pipe dream, you go back into nursing.

Given his mindset and resentment, I would say getting a job should be a priority for you. Resentment is a marriage killer and for all you know, he could soon be lining up his ducks and you don't want to hit the job market right when you've been blindsided. Get some money coming in.

What job does he have

I agree, I am spoilt in the sense that i feel i dont need to work but i do feel i contribute alot. Its just not seen as a role.

I missed the part where that's your problem.

He should have considered that before treating you like a skivy who he likes to pick on.

You'll get the initial pay out either way.

I don't think you are spoilt op. Not personality wise anyway. I think this arsehole didn't want you to work so that he could, in his mind, trap you. Then, belittle you to make himself feel big.
A surprising amount of people are like that. They get joy out of caging and crushing beautiful little songbirds.

You do work. Without you he wouldn't ave been able to build his business because you did everything in the home.

A good man (who asked you to leave so you could raise the children/caretaker the home) would feel proud to have you as his wife and take care of you. It doesn't matter how much money he makes if he has zero class btw. And resents his own wife instead of loving her.

Honey you have opportunities most of could barely dream of. Get yourself free and go find your happiness again. Not saying it won't be tough at first but, surely anything is better than life with your bully.

. I still would like to earn money but i dont think a job would be the right thing.

You sound like you think you are above getting a job?!

I suspect he would still belittle you even if you went back to work. You'd still be on a much lower income than him and he'd see that as a reason to put you down.

I'm a sahm and DH has never belittled me in any way for it. It's always been my choice whether to work, so he hasn't pressured me not to and I don't think he feels proud to earn enough for me not to have to work, it's not how his mind works. He respects me for the time I spend with our dc but despite a high income, we live close to his office with a short commute and his work is flexible enough that he can pull his weight at home and enjoy spending time with the dcs. I don't think it helps to just run around serving all his needs and DH would be bewildered if I started doing that.
Like you, financially I have no need to work (although a large part of that is because of my own financial management and not due to DH) and see no appeal in making our lives overcomplicated as there is enough juggling without it. I suspect many of the wealthier parents in my dc's prep choose to work for status rather than financial reasons though (lots of family money behind them but they run their own business which is often very sociable and flexible, and of dubious profitability.)

Mine did, we’re no longer together.

Working part time didn’t stop him treating that way either

I don’t know of any men that see it as a dream to have a non working wife.

I’m sorry to say that you sound spoilt and unrealistic.

You do realise that the majority of mothers work and run a home/finances and look after the children?

If you really don’t need the money, what about volunteering for a worthwhile charity. It would be something to make yourself and him proud.

I have worked for 45 years. I can no longer work due to chronic illness. However my husband still works and is very supportive of me being at home. And understands my limitations. But then he knows how bloody hard I’ve worked all my life in every aspect. Respect needs to be earned

Wish my husbands dream was for me not to work ☹️ but nooooo

No, respect is a starting point. It can be lost yes but it doesn't need to be earned. Certainly not in a marriage.

She offered to work if he would step up and do his share in the home. He said no. How is op spoilt? If anything he is..because he refused her fair suggestion and now thinks he can beat her with it like a stick.

It's not spoilt not to want to work when you are doing everything in the home and, don't need the extra money. And If anything op is in a financially abusive relationship where she cannot work because he would still want her to do everything in the home.

Not at all. I give my time to many people as an act of service. I am a trained natropath, healer, rekhi master and few other things. I wouldnt dream of charging someone for my time and knowledge. I have grown as a person and a ‘typical job’ just wont provide any satisfaction to me. My passion lies in genuinely helping people on a 121.

Nothing would really provide me passion as much as this so buying a few business might ‘show’ that I am doing something.

This really hurts me as I gave no idea how I would go back to work and do pick ups/drop offs and the kids to clubs and deal with the admin of everything i do without feeling completely and utterly shattered, exhusted for no real benifit. Is this a wrong way to think?

surely the point is that if you went back to work you wouldn’t do all this.
you not working means he can go to work and not worry about any of the care of the house he lives in or parenting of his own children.
but if you go to work he’ll have to figure out doing 50% of that stuff. So at the very least he should appreciate that he doesn’t have to worry about any of those things and that allows him to go make his millions. If he has to do drop offs and pick ups and his own laundry and shopping etc then he can’t earn as much money. It’s incredibly stupid to not see the value in what you’re providing then.
though I am baffled why as a household apparently earning millions you think you can’t work because it would be too much for you to do, when you can afford Nanny’s for pick ups and drop offs and a cleaner etc. obviously I’m not saying you need to get a job to be valued but there are ways to take some of the pressure off yourself if you do actually want to.
I can’t see that he’ll value you then though because you presumably won’t earn as much as him

This wasn’t helpful as these mums probably need to work for money.

This is in no way akin to single parenting. None

It’s very simple

you work out how much it would cost you to retain and get qualifications up in Nursing( appreciate e you said you don’t want to go back but this is to make a point) and how many years it would take

you detail costs for childcare, including all the holidays and pick up, drop off at school, cleaning, gardening and anything else as you won’t be able to do that whilst re training and then working so he will need to cover whilst training and then proportionally when you work

You give him a list of jobs he will now be expected to do as you are working, so on,y fair jobs nit covered by outside help ate split 50/50

then see if he still wants you to go back to work

How do you not know your husband's mind set? Is he basically just a pay check to you?

Why not? She does everything in the home. Lots of single parents can't work as they can't afford childcare.

There's a thing called a 'married single mother'.

Ok he technically pays the bills but, I'm guessing he probaly makes op feel guilty for anything he deems 'unnecessary'. He seems the sort.

I think there's a bit of jealousy in some of these comments tbh. Not to point fingers.
Some women seem to have forgotten that being a stay at home parent is a perfectly valid choice. And doesn't mean you aren't contributing just as much to the running of the relationship.

Ok. Except you only get to follow your passions, go to the gym when you please, and opt out of not finding a job because your DH is working at what is likely a high-responsibility job. Everyone here understands why you don't like the idea of having a job that you have to do on a regular schedule while answering to an employer... no one loves that part, including your husband. If he decided that he was going to similarly go follow his passions and heal the world with yoga or something then what would you do?

If your DH is making the type of money you say then the two of you can afford to pay someone to do the housework, so he doesn't actually need to take on half. It sounds like you had always said you would be going back to work once the DC were at school so there's a good chance that he thought you not working outside the home was temporary. Now the DC are off at school and needing less hands-on time from you but he's still working his demanding job day in and day out, so your lives may feel increasingly out of step to him.

Or maybe he's laying the groundwork for leaving and this is an excuse. Would 1/2 the marital assets actually leave you set for life or would you regret not retraining earlier? Remember that no court will force him to parent (much less force 50/50), child maintenance won't come anywhere close to supporting your current lifestyle with you not working, and it will end when your children are adults. Don't let your comfort now lead you to leaving yourself vulnerable in the future.

I dont know my husbands mindset because its clearly not what I thought it was. I feel this was a disrespect comment to make; ‘is he basically a paycheck to me’. I am married to him and we have children together, so no, hes not a paycheck to me.

No my husband doesn't belittle me. But it doesn't sound like you getting a job will stop yours from belittling you. He'd probably then look down on you for bringing in less money than him.

How is your relationship like in other aspects? Are you still close?